Being this way

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just came back from a session with my therapist during which, at one point, she told me that she regrets all the treatment she gave me all these years and that I am ungrateful to her for all the treatment she gave me. She said this after I admitted to her that all these years I felt as though she didn't really empathize with or understand me all that well. She asked why I stayed with her all this time and I admitted (though I knew this would piss her off) that I didn't feel like I had a choice because there was no one else who would keep me on for that long. So she said that I had shamelessly wasted government resources on getting treatment for no reason because how was she supposed to help me if I didn't feel like she was empathizing with me and that this is part of my problem.

Tbh I can't really finish this post right now so maybe I'll continue it later or something, or not idk.

I suppose it's possible that I really am a horrible person for being this way, on the other hand I suppose it's also possible that she really is just a bad therapist who on the one hand cares about me but on the other hand really does lack empathy. Tbh right now I kinda feel like I probably ought to KMS after hearing the things she said to me, but rn I still have my bf to live for... and also there's the fact that she indeed really might just be an un-empathetic jerk, despite the fact that she stuck by my side for many years.

She brought up the fact that a little over a month ago, I wanted to replace her with another therapist "just like that" after she said what she said at the time, and that it shows my lack of empathy towards her. She also said that in her opinion I probably treat everyone IRL this way and that it's kind of surprising that the people at my work haven't fired me all this time. I pointed out to her that the people at work are always very nice to me and she smiled and said "and why do you think they're always very nice to you?" and I tried to guess that maybe it's because I never talk to them much or possibly because they can tell I'm nuts so they want to go easy on me and she just kept smiling and told me that I need to figure it out for myself.

She said that I'm more schizoid than borderline and that throughout the years she had hoped that she could somehow "pull me over from the schizoid side to the borderline side" and it took her all these years to realize that it was pointless.

I really don't know what to think right now or what I'm supposed to think or what I'm supposed to feel. I never wanted to be an un-empathetic person or a disappointment to anyone or to fail at getting better or to be such a disappointment to the person who'd been there for me for all these years.

I'm a bit afraid of writing all this stuff down because I don't expect anyone to understand, care, or believe me but i really, really don't want to be this way, and I'm so, so sorry for being this way. And the irony is that because I'm this way, I seriously don't think I deserve either understanding or forgiveness for being this way.

Sorry for the emotional ramble.

[justnothing]

I just came back from a session with my therapist during which, at one point, she told me that she regrets all the treatment she gave me all these years and that I am ungrateful to her for all the treatment she gave me. She said this after I admitted to her that all these years I felt as though she didn't really empathize with or understand me all that well. She asked why I stayed with her all this time and I admitted (though I knew this would piss her off) that I didn't feel like I had a choice because there was no one else who would keep me on for that long. So she said that I had shamelessly wasted government resources on getting treatment for no reason because how was she supposed to help me if I didn't feel like she was empathizing with me and that this is part of my problem.

Tbh I can't really finish this post right now so maybe I'll continue it later or something, or not idk.

I suppose it's possible that I really am a horrible person for being this way, on the other hand I suppose it's also possible that she really is just a bad therapist who on the one hand cares about me but on the other hand really does lack empathy. Tbh right now I kinda feel like I probably ought to KMS after hearing the things she said to me, but rn I still have my bf to live for... and also there's the fact that she indeed really might just be an un-empathetic jerk, despite the fact that she stuck by my side for many years.

She brought up the fact that a little over a month ago, I wanted to replace her with another therapist "just like that" after she said what she said at the time, and that it shows my lack of empathy towards her. She also said that in her opinion I probably treat everyone IRL this way and that it's kind of surprising that the people at my work haven't fired me all this time. I pointed out to her that the people at work are always very nice to me and she smiled and said "and why do you think they're always very nice to you?" and I tried to guess that maybe it's because I never talk to them much or possibly because they can tell I'm nuts so they want to go easy on me and she just kept smiling and told me that I need to figure it out for myself.

She said that I'm more schizoid than borderline and that throughout the years she had hoped that she could somehow "pull me over from the schizoid side to the borderline side" and it took her all these years to realize that it was pointless.

I really don't know what to think right now or what I'm supposed to think or what I'm supposed to feel. I never wanted to be an un-empathetic person or a disappointment to anyone or to fail at getting better or to be such a disappointment to the person who'd been there for me for all these years.

I'm a bit afraid of writing all this stuff down because I don't expect anyone to understand, care, or believe me but i really, really don't want to be this way, and I'm so, so sorry for being this way. And the irony is that because I'm this way, I seriously don't think I deserve either understanding or forgiveness for being this way.

Sorry for the emotional ramble.

[Skip]

Sounds like things didn't go well in this session at all. 

How long have you been with this therapist?  What happened today? What was it that catalyzed your therapy session today that ended up with both of you expressing disappointment in each other?

[justnothing]

Well last Friday I felt like I was on the verge of an especially bad meltdown, so much so that I wasn't sure if I'd be able to stop myself from killing myself (due to a lot of extra stress I've been having at work in the past month plus it had finally hit home that I'm about to not have therapy anymore) so I texted her in the morning to let her know what was going on and also to ask if I'd at least be able to continue with my psychiatrist after she left and she replied with "I'm at work right now and can't talk, if you're feeling suicidal go to the ER". At the time that made me feel about twice as bad and I ended up resolving the issue by letting my manager know that I can't come in, taking strong anti-stress pills and going to sleep.

This session started off with me pointing out that she never ended up answering my question: of whether I'd still be able to see my psychiatrist after the sessions with her are over. And she was like "about that, we need to put a stop to you sending me text messages because it's unacceptable, I'm not your private therapist and when I'm at home or not in a session with you that's my free time for me". So, realized how pissed she was about it, I pulled out my phone and deleted her number and let her see that I was deleting it... and immediately after I started crying and couldn't stop. She asked me why I was crying (and not in an empathetic kind of tone) and I said it didn't matter and that we can just move on. I don't remember exactly what she said after that but I responded by saying that I didn't want to offend her but that it seemed to me that she isn't and hasn't always been very empathetic towards me. And she said that that's part of my problem - thinking that no one is empathetic towards me and not being able to appreciate all the care and devotion she put into my treatment for close to 15 years. I told her that I do appreciate it and that I do realize that she cares about me but that it seems that something in her empathy towards me is lacking and that (and this was a confession I'd avoided telling her all these years) that all this time I always had a sense that she didn't really understand the way my mind works all that well and she laughed at that and that's when she started going on about how deep and bad my problems are that I can't even recognize care and empathy when I see it and that I was unable to form a connection with her all these years and that that's why I don't form connections with anyone and how it's surprising that the people at my work didn't fire me in all the years that I've worked there. I told her that the people at my workplace are always nice to me and she smiled and said "and why do you think it is that they're always nice to you?" and I wasn't sure and tried to guess that maybe it's because I don't interact with them much and she was like "yes, you need to build up your fantasy about that by yourself".

During all that I started crying even more and told her that because she's my therapist, I simply can't look at her as a human being and take her feelings and wants into account because if I did and if I involved my emotions and her emotions, my emotions would get instantaneously crushed under the weight of what I thought her wants and emotions are and that that's why (as I had told her right from the start of our therapy sessions together all those years ago) I simply couldn't afford to view her as a human being and take her feelings into consideration, but it's not because I don't appreciate everything she did for me or think she cares about me... but somehow, despite all this, she still seemed pissed. So I asked her if she was mad at me and she said no and that she just felt sorry for me.

So that was pretty much it... I really wish that I had just left the session right after deleting her number and when I first started crying because my gut told me to do it then, but because we have so few sessions left (until the end of December) I didn't want to waste it... though frankly right now I almost want to just call the clinic tomorrow or whenever and tell them that I'd rather skip the next few sessions and never come back or at most come back one last time to say goodbye and that's it... though knowing me I'll probably change my mind by next week anyway.

[Harri]

Hi justnothing.   

I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much.  Are you safe now?  What got you through from Friday until today?   I am glad you posted and are reaching out for support.

JN, it has to be scary and difficult to know your therapy is ending soon and I am so sorry for that.  I had a T leave after 9 months where I bonded with him like never before and it really threw me.  Even though I knew and was prepared, it still hurt like hell and I felt lost.  I was losing a T but I was also losing a friend and a lifeline.

I really wish that I had just left the session right after deleting her number and when I first started crying because my gut told me to do it then, but because we have so few sessions left (until the end of December) I didn't want to waste it... though frankly right now I almost want to just call the clinic tomorrow or whenever and tell them that I'd rather skip the next few sessions and never come back or at most come back one last time to say goodbye and that's it... though knowing me I'll probably change my mind by next week anyway.

Yeah, I can relate to feeling this way too when the end was so near.  For me, following through to the end was so hard but ultimately worth it.  My T and I worked hard on making sure the end of therapy was a healthy ending.  It still hurt.  Do you think this is something you want to try to do for yourself?   

What can you do to make this be positive?  Can you even think about that right now?

[justnothing]

Thank you very much for replying. Tbh I'm in a very bad place atm but I reckon I'm safe. I took some pills to calm down and if eventually things start to get out of hand I'll try wine or something (and yes, I know you shouldn't mix pills and wine but I don't really care atm).

It's not just losing her... it's losing her on such horrible terms... first there's the fact that she told me it would happen right after I had a falling out with her (which she swears is just a coincidence but now I'll never know for sure and will always have that doubt) and now this unbelievable session in which she touched on every single trigger I have. If I didn't know any better I'd think she was doing it on purpose because she actually got to every one of them all at once and she did it in such a way... I actually tried getting in touch with an ex-colleague earlier tonight to ask if "it's true that nobody really likes me at my workplace and they're all just pretending" but she's too busy to talk atm. I mean... how why and who the hell tells something like that to a patient with no friends and who's had major problems with friendships and closeness her entire freaking life. I am just bemused by the way today went... and this is also the very, very, very last thing I need right now because recently I've been having issues at work and on Friday when I called the manager I tried so, so hard to keep my voice level etc' the way I always do and the way I have done for the past 9 years of working there but this time I couldn't help it and just started sobbing on the phone so hard that I had to text her what the problem was instead (the problem was that I had so much work to do the day before but didn't have enough time to do it all because of some stupid mistake I made because lately the workload and stress has been piling up so high that I've been making stupid mistakes that caused me to waste time and even the supervisor, who usually totally loves me, has been commenting on it) and the fact that I messed up and have been falling behind in the workload (this is the first time I've ever fallen back in the workload) combined with the sudden realization that pretty soon I'm not going to get any more support for it, has been driving me up the walls. Now normally I don't like to go around crying about my problems because I don't think anyone owes me the time of day especially since I'm the type of person who usually avoids people and doesn't stay in touch or get close to people so who am I to expect any empathy when I need it... and now my therapist comes along and she's like "you're not emotionally attached to me and you're so ungrateful to me after all these years and everything I've done for you, you're just defective and I was just wasting my time on you all these years"... I mean... she couldn't have triggered me harder if she'd sexually assaulted me or something...

Sorry for the rant and for being so emotional and a mess, I'm sure everything will be fine eventually... it's just that right now I'm a total mess... and I have to go to work tomorrow... and even though they all know I'm mentally ill and they seem fine with it... I just never wanted them to actually SEE it. They trust me with so much responsibility, which is something I worked so, so hard to achieve, and I don't want to blow it all on falling to pieces and being an emotional mess on the job. I was triggered so many times throughout the years of working there but I was always, ALWAYS able to hide it, there were times when I thought out elaborate suicide plans while keeping a smile on my face and calmly talking to customers and this is something I've worked so hard to achieve and I'd rather die than mess it up now that people have come to rely on me so much and I've managed to build the reputation that I've managed to build despite the fact that people there always knew I was mentally ill...

Again, sorry for the vent, I just needed to get it out there... I've been talking to people on support lines and chat rooms all evening and somehow it's like it's never enough, atm I'm a bottomless emotional hole. I'll probably be better after some sleep, or once the weekend comes around, idk... anyway, thanks again for replying.

[Harri]

Please do not apologize for posting or asking for help.  We are here to support each other.

It's not just losing her... it's losing her on such horrible terms...

Yes, I can imagine that would just increase the hurt.  Reading your summary of what was said, it made me wonder if perhaps she is more affected by the end of therapy than she is letting on.  Her words are hurtful and certainly not supportive. 

I mean... how why and who the hell tells something like that to a patient with no friends and who's had major problems with friendships and closeness her entire freaking life.

I don't know really.  All I can think of is that someone who is also hurting would do that but it is hard to say for sure.  I don't think her words are personal in terms of being about you but rather a reflection of her own state of mind (for whatever reason, most of which has probably nothing to do with you).  That this is a therapist saying these things makes me really wonder what is going on with her.  She may have trouble ending relationships of any kind.  She may be battling her own abandonment fears.  There are a bunch of possibilities that have little if anything to do with you or the words she used when lashing out.

I can see how ending the relationship on such bad terms is so painful for you.  What can you do, what tool can you use, to center yourself here?  Are you familiar with the 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz?  The second Agreement is Don't Take anything personally:  "Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."  He makes it sound so easy doesn't he?     I think there is a lot of truth there, not to avoid responsibility but to help center us so we can function when it seems our world is spinning out of control.  Do you think you can focus on that and get to safer ground emotionally?

The stress and distress you feel is bleeding over into work (yes, I know you know this.  )  What can you do to get things in a better perspective in this area?   Sure it is upsetting to have this happening at work but (!) how can you reframe the way you are looking at this?

Thoughts?

Again, sorry for the vent, I just needed to get it out there... I've been talking to people on support lines and chat rooms all evening and somehow it's like it's never enough, atm I'm a bottomless emotional hole. I'll probably be better after some sleep, or once the weekend comes around, idk... anyway, thanks again for replying.

Share away.  We can listen and support you and try to guide you to firmer ground as well. 

[justnothing]

Thank you again for being nice to me despite everything.

I think my therapist wanted me to grow to love her over time. A few years ago she once even appeared disappointed when I mentioned that I'd never idealized her. At the time I thought that was quite strange because why would anyone in their right mind want a patient with BPD to idealize them? Then today I guess I must have dropped some truth bombs that she wasn't ready for - the fact that I always felt that there was something lacking in her empathy towards me, the fact that I often doubted that she fully understood the way my mind worked, the fact that I often avoided confrontation with her and instead just silently dismissed her comments whenever I found them offensive (which was basically my way of dealing with her stupid remarks instead of yelling at her or storming out of her office, which I used to do in the early years). When she heard all this her reaction seemed to be of both extreme disappointment mixed with a sense of betrayal and she started essentially reprimanding me for being so schizoid... and she said it in a way that made it sound like she saw this as a massive, unforgivable defect.

She made the strange comment that throughout the years she'd been hoping to shift my mind away from the schizoid side and more to the borderline side... I told my bf about this (who is schizoid) and he was shocked that she would try to do something like that to me without actually consulting me about what I wanted. I mean I guess it's technically a therapists job to mess around with the patients mind in order to get the closer to normal, but what she wanted was just for me to be "less schizoid and more borderline" even though (if given the choice) I much, much prefer the schizoid state over the borderline one.

IDK if this would just be me seeing my mother everywhere, but I have to admit that I can't help seeing similarities between her and my mother in many ways here, especially with the attitude that says "I'll go the extra mile for you and treasure you and in exchange for that I want you to love me or else! And if you don't love me it's because you're selfish and ungrateful and your mind is defective".

[Harri]

Ugh. 

I mean I guess it's technically a therapists job to mess around with the patients mind in order to get the closer to normal,

I am not sure about this JN.  It is a therapists job to provide a safe and trusting environment in which a patient feels comfortable and can express their emotions and thoughts without fear of being ridiculed, lied to or manipulated and taken advantage of.  To have a safe relationship with someone who can keep their own issues out of a session and who can recognize and deal with counter transference.   To work with someone with a goal in mind, a goal aimed at healing not getting personal of the T met. 

None of that involves 'messing with' someones mind.

IDK if this would just be me seeing my mother everywhere, but I have to admit that I can't help seeing similarities between her and my mother in many ways here, especially with the attitude that says "I'll go the extra mile for you and treasure you and in exchange for that I want you to love me or else! And if you don't love me it's because you're selfish and ungrateful and your mind is defective".

I don't know for sure either. 

What can you do to get a better handle on this?  would working through any DBT skill help?  Please forgive me if i am off here and tell me, I seem to remember that you have been through DBT and or CBT before?  Is that correct?  Just trying to help you work your way through this rough time and hopefully get to a place where you can resolve this situation with your T so that *you* feel good and more confident and strong about it regardless of where she may stand. 

[GaGrl]

JN, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I found changing my therapist to be extraordinarily stressful.

Do you have other medical professionals working to help with your transition to a new T? How are you doing?

[pursuingJoy]

Justnothing, I've found a therapist I really connect to. Last week she talked offhandedly about moving back to Alaska and my heart skipped a beat. I can imagine what you're feeling, and it sounds like it's not just that your relationship is coming to a close, but how, like it wouldn't be so hurtful if it was ending on better terms. I hope I'm understanding you.

Know you're not alone. I'm following your thread because sometimes I need to hear that my overwhelming feelings are normal, that it will be ok, and get tips on how to manage.

Are you familiar with the 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz?  The second Agreement is Don't Take anything personally:  "Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." 

Working on trying to understand this concept myself. Hang in there justnothing. We're with you!

pj

[Turkish]

justnothing,

Discounting the T my mother forced me to go to when I was 12, I've only had experiences with two others as an adult.  Our couples' counselor, a PsyD, and D7's T, also a PsyD. The couples' one turned into my personal T and I spent over two years with him and a good down payment for a car.  We sometimes discussed his profession.

To me, it sounds like your T crossed a professional line. I loved D7's T, who was changing jobs from Kaiser. I told her if we saw her around town, not to be a stranger. She told me that she was forbidden by rules to approach us (even though she switchrd jobs) but if we approached her, it would be ok for her to engage with us.  Professional boundary. I respected this, and that she told me. 

This is my opinion and experience. There are certain things I want to tell my kids, such as tonight when my son had an ASD meltdown, screaming and crying and telling me he hated me.  As a parent, it would cross a line to engage him into validating my feelings, even though I was frustrated and briefly angry.  He wasn't a bad person for acting out and saying hurtful things, and neither were you for being honest though I sympathize with being a T a tough profession.

What do you think, is this helpful, or off the mark?

[justnothing]

Thanks again to everyone for all the replies and once again sorry for taking so long to reply, at one point I fell asleep and after that I needed a long, long time to get my head together.

What can you do to get a better handle on this?  would working through any DBT skill help?  Please forgive me if i am off here and tell me, I seem to remember that you have been through DBT and or CBT before?  Is that correct?  Just trying to help you work your way through this rough time and hopefully get to a place where you can resolve this situation with your T so that *you* feel good and more confident and strong about it regardless of where she may stand.

Well yeah, I did go through a couple of years of DBT… but that was pretty much back in the cave age and I don’t remember a single thing about it. Funnily enough, while writing this post I also went to several chat rooms for additional help and one of them was for people with BPD and a mod there tried teaching me a grounding technique… which I tried, and then a few seconds in I realized that the effect it had was of lessening the dissociation… which was the absolute last thing I needed at that moment, so I stopped. The thing that eventually helped me get through the night was you guys, other guys from various different chat rooms and a hotline, relaxation pills, a sleeping pill, dissociation and finally - sleep. After that I went to work (which was still stressful yet managable), went back to sleep, ruminated for several hours, fell back to sleep and ruminated for several more hours and at some point I came up with a plan of action for next week: I started off by writing a farewell letter to my therapist in which I started gushing about how much I appreciated everything she did for me and how she was a miracle in my life and how I’m a completely different and happier person now and it’s all thanks to her… all of which I completely meant while writing it… but later on I decided to discard that and write a more moderate letter of farewell and appreciation without all the gushing. Other than that, I plan on going to town after work sometime next week and shop around for the nicest, fanciest looking and most expensive farewell gift I can find and possibly even add a little plaque on it with a “with much love and appreciation” type of message on it… and present both gift and letter to my T next week… and let her know that I’d like that to be our last session (or if she’ll feel a need for more time to say her own goodbye than it can be our second-before-last session). Because the thing is that I really, really do appreciate everything she’s done for me throughout the years and I want that to be the thing she remembers and for that to be the way we say goodbye after all this time……. and at the same time I also want to get away from her as fast as I possibly can and I seriously think that having any more sessions after this point will probably do nothing but cause the train wreck to become an even bigger train wreck…

The only thing I’m not sure about is whether or not it would be a good idea to let her know, next/last time I see her that she reminded me of my mother last session and that she frankly scares me now… on the one hand it seems like that would be the “right” thing to do… but on the other hand she frankly scares me now and considering her behavior from last time I now realize that I have no way of knowing what she’s capable of if I piss her off enough (and if knowing that I didn’t totally idealize her all these years made her say the kind of things she said last week, I don’t even want to imagine how she’d react to being compared to my mother)… plus my intention is to end on a nice note and I’m afraid of souring that…

Do you have other medical professionals working to help with your transition to a new T? How are you doing?

Well unfortunately I won’t really have an option for a new T for at least a couple of years and even that isn’t certain. Technically I still have my psychiatrist but even she’ll be retiring in a few months (I’ll be assigned a new one though but… well… this one won’t know me… and in any case a psychiatrist isn’t really someone you can go to for much help outside of changes in medication). Mind you, after a lifetime in therapy in which I do believe I did a very big part of the heavy-lifting, I think it might actually be good for me to spend some time out of therapy for a while and see how I do on my own. I spent years assuming that it wouldn’t be possible for me to make any progress on my own but now that I’ve had some time to consider the reality of life without therapy, I don’t think that’s necessarily true and I think the only way I can find out for sure is by being out of therapy for a while, continuing with self-help methods (which I’ve made extensive use of all along) and see how that goes. As for whether I’ll crash and burn without therapy… well I frankly I can’t really think of a single instance in which a therapy session was what helped me get out of crisis, it was generally things like hotlines, forums, chat rooms, music, video games, talking myself through the situation, disassociation, and things like that which always helped me get by, so I most-likely don’t really need therapy for that either.

Know you're not alone. I'm following your thread because sometimes I need to hear that my overwhelming feelings are normal, that it will be ok, and get tips on how to manage.

Thank you and I’m glad it helps… mind you… I’m not exactly a prime candidate for what one can call “normal” as far as overwhelming feelings go, and also I myself tend to have a pretty bad attitude about my own emotions, especially when they run high. Basically I hate my emotions, especially when they run so high and get so out of control, and I’ve often fantasized about having them “lobotomized out of me”… however, I’ve done some reading about high emotions and emotional dis-regulation and it turns out that it’s exactly that kind of attitude that causes emotional dis-regulation.
I once joined a Udemy course that’s supposed to teach people how to increase their emotional intelligence (which is something that helps with regulating emotions) and in the very first video the instructor started saying stuff like “many of us have been taught as children that it’s supposedly wrong to feel a certain way and emotions are bad, but we’re here to teach you - “ and at that point I paused and closed the video because I was like “I know where this is going and screw that - emotions totally ARE BAD and I HATE them! And I’m not just gonna sit here and listen to some lecture by some guy trying to teach me that my emotions aren’t bad!” (and yes… I know… I know… I’ll get back to that course eventually… it’s totally on my list of things to do eventually…).

So yeah, it is important for one to know that ones emotions are normal… or regardless of if they are “normal” per se, that they’re at least OK (or valid, if you will) and learn to validate them and accept them and embrace them… because ironically that’s the only way to beat the damn things.

Incidentally, even though you wouldn’t know it from this one thread, these types of episodes are actually pretty rare for me these days. I used to fly off the rails every other day back when I was in my late teens and early 20’s but over time the more I came to understand where my feelings where coming from and accept them as valid (even if the words and actions accompanying them aren’t necessarily always valid), the less frequent these episodes became and these days I’m actually pretty chill most of the time and this kind of crisis has become quite rare and even when it does strike it’s become easier to manage.

This is my opinion and experience. There are certain things I want to tell my kids, such as tonight when my son had an ASD meltdown, screaming and crying and telling me he hated me.  As a parent, it would cross a line to engage him into validating my feelings, even though I was frustrated and briefly angry.  He wasn't a bad person for acting out and saying hurtful things, and neither were you for being honest though I sympathize with being a T a tough profession.

It sounds like your son is very lucky to have someone like you as a father. I think the world would be a better place if more parents had a natural understanding of what kind of lines shouldn’t be crossed with their children. I reckon the same also sometimes goes for some therapists and their patients.

BTW, once again being able to write all this down and get it off my chest has been immensely helpful and I thank everyone and this whole community for being here. I’m sorry that I’m not a more active member of the community, I just have a bunch of emotional issues that kind of get in the way of that, but I want you guys to know that I do very much appreciate all of you.

[pursuingJoy]

justnothing thanks for the update. The hard work you've done shows in your level of self-awareness.

I myself tend to have a pretty bad attitude about my own emotions, especially when they run high.

I've felt this way too, though I'm sure having BPD amps up the intensity for you. I admire your strength and courage in working through all of this!

I'm interested in hearing how your last session with your T goes and how you decide to approach it. I kind of like your ideas of ending on a good note and finding a more even middle-ground approach, but you might decide something different is better. Keep us posted!

pj

[Harri]

I realized that the effect it had was of lessening the dissociation…

I am glad that you recognized that the exercise would not be in your best interest. 

Emotions... ugh.  I can relate to a lot of what you talked about and even what you wrote about dissociation above.  As I worked through trauma therapy, I dissociated less and was faced with learning to handle more intense emotions.  Though I still dissociate (mild - mostly numbing), I miss it.  It is remarkably affective isn't it?   I think you are wise to get to a more stable and secure place.   

I want that to be the thing she remembers and for that to be the way we say goodbye after all this time……. and at the same time I also want to get away from her as fast as I possibly can and I seriously think that having any more sessions after this point will probably do nothing but cause the train wreck to become an even bigger train wreck…

I understand and of course you want to end this on a positive note.  I tend to agree with you that further sessions may not be the best thing for you.  I am less concerned with your T and how she may react to your saying goodbye with the exception of how it may impact you if she takes it negatively.  I think the ending needs to be on your terms to the extent that it can.  A less gushing letter is also good as well.  Keep it genuine and in keeping with your needs while considering her too.  But I think you are primary here.

The only thing I’m not sure about is whether or not it would be a good idea to let her know, next/last time I see her that she reminded me of my mother last session and that she frankly scares me now…

You said that telling her this seems like the right thing to do.   Can you explain your reasoning on this?  Sorry, I am a bit dense tonight.

I think it might actually be good for me to spend some time out of therapy for a while and see how I do on my own. I spent years assuming that it wouldn’t be possible for me to make any progress on my own but now that I’ve had some time to consider the reality of life without therapy, I don’t think that’s necessarily true and I think the only way I can find out for sure is by being out of therapy for a while, continuing with self-help methods (which I’ve made extensive use of all along) and see how that goes.

I like everything about what you wrote here!  I look at it this way:  yes, you have been in therapy for a long time, but (!) the work you did was the work *you* did and you have the drive that kept you going back time after time.   Reading you describe how far you have come makes me more convinced that you will come through this okay and possibly even thrive.

Keep posting.  We've got you.