Saw ex in court today and had a severe C-PTSD episode

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have not seen or spoken to my ex in over a year.

We had court today to set child support for my son. I really was dreading having to see him. My sister went with me to deter him from trying to talk to me. However, before court, my MIL called and told me that ex said he was probably not going to court because he didn't have a ride. Of course, he only had two months' notice to figure out how he was going to get to court today.

So, I thought that he wasn't coming and I began to relax a little bit. But, about twenty minutes into court, something made me look around the room. Hypervigilance, spidey senses, whatever you want to call it, but there he was and it hit me like someone punched me in the gut. He had his new girlfriend with him, of course. Like Harley Quinn and the Joker on crack (or meth, to be more accurate).

My heart started pounding and I felt dizzy. I thought I was going to have an actual panic attack and die right there in the courtroom. And just when I thought I might have a chance of surviving if I maybe just didn't move, here he came across the courtroom, leaned into the aisle where I was sitting and asked if he and his girlfriend could sit with me.

I managed a short, curt "NO." He went back to his place.

When they called us up, we had to sit together at a table. By this time I thought my heart must surely be visible to everyone because it was slamming into my ribcage at a breakneck pace.

I managed to get through the logistics of who, what, when, where. Ex said he is drawing unemployment because he was laid off (lie- he was fired, and this is not the first time he has drawn unemployment that he was not really entitled to) and he is staying in a different motel.

MIL says that he and that girl hop from motel to motel, get kicked out, sleep on the street, and scrape up enough money for a new room somewhere.

He looks terrible. He was dirty, and he had bruises on his face. MIL said his new gf has supposedly beat him up a few times. He claims to not have laid a hand on her.

He asked for visitation, and I told the court I would only agree if it was supervised. I was given a card for the woman who arranges the visitation, and when I call I am going to discuss things like safety precautions for drop off and pick up and whether or not they can randomly drug test him before he can see our son.

Now I am worried about the impact this will have on my son if he sees his father and then ex cancels visits and drops off altogether. He did just that last year with our older children. S3 is almost 4, and he has a very good memory. He still remembers the motel his daddy was staying in last year. When we drive by, he calls it "Daddy's house", but he never asks to see his daddy. I am worried that his little heart is going to be broken by this man, just like the rest of our kids.

The severe trauma reaction I had just reminded me that I am still greatly affected by this relationship. I am slowly getting myself centered, but it was a very scary experience. I really thought I might pass out from the anxiety. I did some quick mindfulness exercises in the courtroom that I believe helped me to get through it.

Ironically, I am giving a speech on mindfulness tonight for public communications class. Not really excited to do that, either, but it won't be nearly as bad as what I went through earlier today.

Thanks to all for reading.

[I Am Redeemed]

I have not seen or spoken to my ex in over a year.

We had court today to set child support for my son. I really was dreading having to see him. My sister went with me to deter him from trying to talk to me. However, before court, my MIL called and told me that ex said he was probably not going to court because he didn't have a ride. Of course, he only had two months' notice to figure out how he was going to get to court today.

So, I thought that he wasn't coming and I began to relax a little bit. But, about twenty minutes into court, something made me look around the room. Hypervigilance, spidey senses, whatever you want to call it, but there he was and it hit me like someone punched me in the gut. He had his new girlfriend with him, of course. Like Harley Quinn and the Joker on crack (or meth, to be more accurate).

My heart started pounding and I felt dizzy. I thought I was going to have an actual panic attack and die right there in the courtroom. And just when I thought I might have a chance of surviving if I maybe just didn't move, here he came across the courtroom, leaned into the aisle where I was sitting and asked if he and his girlfriend could sit with me.

I managed a short, curt "NO." He went back to his place.

When they called us up, we had to sit together at a table. By this time I thought my heart must surely be visible to everyone because it was slamming into my ribcage at a breakneck pace.

I managed to get through the logistics of who, what, when, where. Ex said he is drawing unemployment because he was laid off (lie- he was fired, and this is not the first time he has drawn unemployment that he was not really entitled to) and he is staying in a different motel.

MIL says that he and that girl hop from motel to motel, get kicked out, sleep on the street, and scrape up enough money for a new room somewhere.

He looks terrible. He was dirty, and he had bruises on his face. MIL said his new gf has supposedly beat him up a few times. He claims to not have laid a hand on her.

He asked for visitation, and I told the court I would only agree if it was supervised. I was given a card for the woman who arranges the visitation, and when I call I am going to discuss things like safety precautions for drop off and pick up and whether or not they can randomly drug test him before he can see our son.

Now I am worried about the impact this will have on my son if he sees his father and then ex cancels visits and drops off altogether. He did just that last year with our older children. S3 is almost 4, and he has a very good memory. He still remembers the motel his daddy was staying in last year. When we drive by, he calls it "Daddy's house", but he never asks to see his daddy. I am worried that his little heart is going to be broken by this man, just like the rest of our kids.

The severe trauma reaction I had just reminded me that I am still greatly affected by this relationship. I am slowly getting myself centered, but it was a very scary experience. I really thought I might pass out from the anxiety. I did some quick mindfulness exercises in the courtroom that I believe helped me to get through it.

Ironically, I am giving a speech on mindfulness tonight for public communications class. Not really excited to do that, either, but it won't be nearly as bad as what I went through earlier today.

Thanks to all for reading.

[formflier]

Glad you made it through the day, that sounds really hard.

Were any final decisions made about support or visitation? 

Can you do something special for yourself tonight? 

It's hard to believe it's been a year, time flies.  Seems like it wasn't that long ago we were talking about your van and why it would or wouldn't start (potential sabotage).

Best,

FF

[Harri]

Hi Redeemed. 

As difficult as that was, I think you handled yourself very well.     It was the *first time* you saw him?  On top of it being in a court to discuss a very delicate situation?  Yep, you did very well.  And yes, your speech tonight should be a piece of cake in comparison.

File this one away in your success pile and build on it when it comes to handling cPTSD responses.

 

[I Am Redeemed]

FF, yes, I have a card for the woman to call who will set up the supervised visits. They will be once a week for an hour at the juvenile court center. He was ordered to pay me $150 a month in child support.

Harri,

I have technically seen my ex a couple of times. He came up to my work once and I ran in the back. I saw him sitting across the street at the bus stop. I saw him walking once, I think. But this was the first time we have been directly face to face since the NC. The first time we had actual words exchanged in person. The first time I was in close proximity to him.

Unfortunately, I have to go to class from 6 to 10 pm and give a speech, so not much fun for me. But I plan to use the mindfulness on the way there and before and after I give my speech. Tonight when I get home, I might just read a book for a while before going to bed just because I can.

[Longterm]

Hi IAR.

  File this one away in your success pile

I agree.

That must of been incredibly difficult for you, but you did it  I understand the dread of seeing my ex, I have wrote many times about my fear of her. After the way this "man" has treated you it's understandable where the fear comes from. The things you have said have occured are truly terrifying experiences.

You went in there and got what you wanted with the supervised access, you know he will let your son down and you will be there for him when this happens.

Your did very well 

LT.

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks, LT,

I guess I was just a little taken aback by the severity of the episode. It hit me so swiftly. I compare it to that feeling you get if someone pulls out in front of you and you slam on the brakes almost hitting them. It's that feeling times ten.

I have mostly recovered from it and I gave my speech tonight. I think I did pretty well, considering.

I told my classmates and teacher about it tonight, because they know a little of my story. My teacher said that this shows that I have some more healing to be done, and he's absolutely right. I am now worried that I am going to have a panic attack like this every time I have to drop off my son or pick him up from visitation. Just the sight of my ex can send me into a ffit of anxiety.

I can't really afford it, and I still don't have health insurance, but I think now it is imperative that I get back into therapy. I will just have to trust God for the financial resources to do it. I took three days off this week, one reason being so I could get homework done because I am absolutely overloaded with it, and then the other reason being the court date today, so I am already behind money-wise from where I need to be, but I cannot ignore this. I need extra support right now, so I plan to call my therapist tomorrow and set up an appointment.

[GaGrl]

Good call on the therapist...this is such a clear instance to describe and really work with your T on a plan for now and future.

You did well and moved through a tough time, gracefully.

[I Am Redeemed]

Gagrl, yes, I swear, if I wasn't totally convinced I have C-PTSD before, I am now.

I don't really feel like it was all that graceful. It felt more like stumbling in the dark down the stairs and grappling for the handrail, but I found it and made it out without actually passing out or something (I really thought that might happen for a few minutes).

I am so glad I did research on mindfulness for my speech this week. In court, I used the 3x3 method I just learned where you pick three physical objects and name them in your head, then take a deep breath after each one. So when I had to sit at the table next to him, in my head I was saying "that's an eagle, that's a flag, that's a podium..." and so on. It helped to keep me from thinking my catastrophe thoughts like "oh my God, he's right next to me, oh my God, he wants visitation, oh my God, I have to get out of here without him talking to me".

They said my address out loud in court, too, so now he knows where I live. Not that he will show up here, but...I just don't like him knowing. I feel more vulnerable now.

[Longterm]

I guess I was just a little taken aback by the severity of the episode. 

Yes, it must have been quite a shock and caught you completely off guard. Our emotional responses at times can scare us. Contact normally makes me very anxious for a few days afterwards so try to take extra care of yourself over the weekend. Maybe do something relaxing such as art or taking a long bath.

It may also be an idea to seek out the positives from this experience. The fact you didn't buckle shows how far you have come and how strong you have become.

I have mostly recovered from it and I gave my speech tonight. I think I did pretty well, considering.  

I am glad it went well and that you reached out to your classmates and teacher, they know you and can offer good support.

  My teacher said that this shows that I have some more healing to be done, and he's absolutely right. 

It's a long road unfortunately but it's really good how you can see that.

  I am now worried that I am going to have a panic attack like this every time I have to drop off my son or pick him up from visitation. Just the sight of my ex can send me into a ffit of anxiety. 

Have a good think about this and see if you can come up with a solution that will help ease your anxiety. I'm unsure how it works in the US so sorry if I'm waffling on. We have CAFCAS centres in the uk where supervised visitation takes place and I'm sure it can be arranged so that neither parent sees the other, just a thought.

  it is imperative that I get back into therapy.

Could you maybe cut back on some things to save money? It's amazing how little changes can improve your bank balance. Saying that, if your ex has been ordered to pay $150 p/m, that's $150 less that you will be spending on your boy and you could put towards therapy. Your lucky here, if my case against my ex is successful I'll get £30.01 p/m. Take the positives IAR 

Keep us updated 

LT.

[I Am Redeemed]

LT,

I doubt very seriously I will see the entire $150. That's added to the $400 he has to pay to my sister for the other kids, so $550 a month total in child support, and he doesn't even have a job. He is currently drawing unemployment benefits fraudulently; he was not laid off as he claims but was fired which he freely admitted both to his mother and to me in a voicemail (to which I didn't respond) a few months ago when it happened.

The child support payments are coming out of his unemployment. The way that works is that they can only take half of the check, no more, even if it isn't enough to cover the entire payment that is due each month. He's paying $92 a week which will now be spread out over all the kids, so none of them will get the full amount that they are supposed to receive.

Also, he has basically conned the government into paying his child support for him by obtaining unemployment benefits under false pretenses. This is probably the third or fourth time I have seen him do that since I have known him. He even tried to get me to file for unemployment for him while he was in jail last year. I refused. Same story, different chapter, he hasn't changed in nine years.

[Cat Familiar]

I think you dealt with seeing him in court really well.    It will take a while for your triggers upon seeing him to get “un-triggered”, but it will eventually happen.

Perhaps if you think of them as “life preservers” you won’t want to fight them, and really, that’s what they are—your body is telling you, STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN! in no uncertain terms.

What if when it happens next time, you tell your body, “I totally agree with you. You are absolutely right. Thank you for the warning.”

I understand. I went through that when I’d run into my ex husband in town. One time he even said, “I’m not such a bad guy.” I was thinking, yeah, only in terms of comparison—there are worse guys in prison. It certainly didn’t make the case that he was a good guy.

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks, Cat, that's exactly what it felt like. Of course, he wants to pretend that he is no threat and is completely puzzled why I would have this reaction to him. I come off looking like the crazy one but you know what, I really don't give a  .

I suppose I could look at it as a positive that it no longer takes an extreme action by him for me to feel the danger. There were times when I would make excuses or rationalize and justify the most horribly cruel things that he had done. I minimized the danger for so long that now I seem to be feeling the red alert signs that I suppressed all those years.

I think just seeing him in all his manipulative action and recognizing that he basically lives his life in a state of one big lie to the world made me so sick to my stomach that I sacrificed so much for this man when he doesn't really care at all about me and never did.

It also rubs me a little raw that he's already in another relationship when I'm out here struggling with my mental and emotional health, finances, parenting, school, and work all by myself. Just another reminder that he suffered no damage from this relationship while it nearly destroyed me.

But it didn't, and it won't, and my life will only continue to get better from here while his is obviously staying on the same trajectory as it has the last twenty-odd years.

[Longterm]

he wants to pretend that he is no threat and is completely puzzled why I would have this reaction to him.  

I had this today too and I've had it many times in the past. You know the truth and so does he somewhere deep down.

 
I suppose I could look at it as a positive that it no longer takes an extreme action by him for me to feel the danger.

Yes, always take the positives, there are reasons why you feel this way, cat hit the nail on the head, your body is telling you to stay away.

 
I think just seeing him in all his manipulative action and recognizing that he basically lives his life in a state of one big lie to the world made me so sick to my stomach that I sacrificed so much for this man when he doesn't really care at all about me and never did. 

It stings doesn't it, we all understand and we are all here for you.

  It also rubs me a little raw that he's already in another relationship when I'm out here struggling with my mental and emotional health, finances, parenting, school, and work all by myself. Just another reminder that he suffered no damage from this relationship while it nearly destroyed me. 
 

You know full well that this is a negative thought pattern, it's important that you stay centred and concentrated on your goals because your doing very well right now. I was thinking the other day that nobody had mentioned the new relationship. I understand that this can also hurt and I'm sorry that this was all shoved in your face. She is irrelevant though and is most likely mrs "right now", the "relationship" will head in the same direction and you are lucky to no longer be a part of the dysfunction. His like is not all unicorns and rainbows and probably never will be. Him showing up dirty and bruised says a lot.

You will feel better soon, I know from personal experience that contact can be horrible but gets better during periods of NC, much better. The direction your going is working for the kids and you, dont lose track of that.

Your mental and emotional health is being addressed, you are reaching out here and plan a return to therapy.

You got this 

LT.

[Cat Familiar]

I had just started dating my current husband, J, when we had an unexpected crossing of paths with my ex husband, G. J had been part of our old circle of friends when we lived near the beach, several hundred miles away.

J and I had just spent a lovely day at the river and we were in town, plannning to get dinner. The restaurants weren’t open yet, so we decided to get a drink at the historic old hotel.

As we ascended the stairs, I looked up, and descending the stairs was my ex, with a very skinny blonde woman who looked like a tweaker. We greeted each other (what else could we do halfway up the stairs) and he introduced us to his soon-to-be wife.

The whole time we spoke, which certainly wasn’t over a couple of minutes, I was staring at a huge knot on his head. It was either cancer or she had clocked him a good one.

J didn’t see it, because he was standing on the wrong side, but I couldn’t take my eyes off it. I supposed it was a “make up drink” that they’d just had perhaps after a fight.

A couple of weeks later, G’s name showed up in the newspaper. He had been arrested for domestic violence. I surreptitiously followed his case. Both he and his new wife fled the state prior to sentencing.

[I Am Redeemed]

It is a negative thought pattern, LT. I suppose I have made some progress, because it used to be that I would get stuck in stinking thinking like that and let it drag me down to the point of a major depressive episode. I am able to let it pass through me now and continue on with my day.

I realize that it is rejection that I am feeling, even though I am the one who ended the rs. His abuse of me felt like a rejection of me and I am still processing that. I am choosing to remember that my value is not determined by another person's treatment of me. For me, my value is determined by God and I am praying about this.

Cat, that must have been very hard running into your ex without warning and then to hear that his pattern was continuing with another woman. Did you ever feel that seeing evidence of his continued dysfunction just made you feel more ashamed of the relationship? I still have trouble with feeling as though I have to defend myself for staying as long as I did.

[Cat Familiar]

I stayed longer than you did, Redeemed, and we didn’t have children as a reason to continue the relationship.

The day I saw the newspaper story about him getting arrested, I felt sick. I remember thinking that I had many experiences with him when I should have called the police, but I never did.

Rather than feeling ashamed of the relationship, I’ve felt tremendous relief that I never again have to see him. It’s taken me a long time to let go of all the anger I felt toward him.

I do feel like I wasted a lot of years trying to be forgiving and supportive of him. But I look upon that time as similar to being in a cult. I’m just glad I’m free of him now.

And from the rumors I’ve heard about his new wife, it appears she gives as good as she gets. Karma

[Skip]

here he came across the courtroom, leaned into the aisle where I was sitting and asked if he and his girlfriend could sit with me.

I managed a short, curt "NO."

Ugh!

[Cat Familiar]

I realize that it is rejection that I am feeling, even though I am the one who ended the rs. His abuse of me felt like a rejection of me and I am still processing that. I am choosing to remember that my value is not determined by another person's treatment of me. For me, my value is determined by God and I am praying about this.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my ex’s behavior and what was motivating it. On the one hand, he could talk knowledgeably about spirituality and philosophy and people admired his intellect. Then when he got frustrated, I was an easy target, either for verbal abuse or physical violence.

Probably part of the reason that I was a target was that I knew his backstory, his insecurities, his self doubts.

He was a very bright man. I say that in past tense, though I believe he is still alive, I would imagine his drug use over the intervening years might have greatly diminished his innate intelligence. I suspect that after I broke up with him, he started using meth.

Though he was extremely intelligent, he never had much common sense. It was almost like he peaked in high school and never found a way to be successful as an adult, yet thought of himself so highly, yet on the other hand, realized he was a failure.

Any comment from me that he deemed as critical could result in violence. He needed to keep me in a secondary position so that he’d have someone to feel better than.

In sum, I don’t think he was “rejecting me” but rather he was behaving in an abusive manner to me to keep from experiencing his own inner demons.

But then they’d come out and haunt him for being so unkind and he’d apologize and beg for forgiveness, and then they cycle would start again, for the umpteenth time.

So no, I don’t think it was about me. I was just a handy and reliable placeholder for those uncomfortable feelings within him.

[WindofChange]

Hi, Redeemed. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that trauma seeing him again. I'm glad you were able to weather it without passing out, and that you got through your speech in class as well. I am praying for God to support and encourage you through this, especially in processing those feelings of rejection and your anxiety over the upcoming visitation issue.  

[I Am Redeemed]

I remember thinking that I had many experiences with him when I should have called the police, but I never did.

Rather than feeling ashamed of the relationship, I’ve felt tremendous relief that I never again have to see him. It’s taken me a long time to let go of all the anger I felt toward him.

I do feel like I wasted a lot of years trying to be forgiving and supportive of him. But I look upon that time as similar to being in a cult. I’m just glad I’m free of him now.

I think of all the times I should have called the police, too. There were a couple of instances when I did, but I should have done it many times when I didn't.

I do feel anger towards him, and I am trying to find the balance between processing the anger without denying it or letting it make me bitter. The truth is that I don't feel like all those years were a waste because, as LT, said, I am taking the positives from them. I learned a lot out of my experience and it has put me in a valuable position to be able to relate to and help others. I found a purpose in it, and I am thankful for that.
 

Any comment from me that he deemed as critical could result in violence. He needed to keep me in a secondary position so that he’d have someone to feel better than.

In sum, I don’t think he was “rejecting me” but rather he was behaving in an abusive manner to me to keep from experiencing his own inner demons.

But then they’d come out and haunt him for being so unkind and he’d apologize and beg for forgiveness, and then the cycle would start again, for the umpteenth time.

I think this describes my ex very well, too. I guess the feeling of rejection comes from my own distorted thinking that my value rested within my ability to fix him. That's not reality. It's an old pattern of thinking that never served me well.

Ugh!

Ugh, indeed! I realize that we have kids together, and if he showed the most minute effort to address any of the plethora of issues he has in the interest of being a father to our kids, I could get past my triggers (eventually, with some work) and not feel quite so disgusted, but for God's sake, he's doing nothing but mooching off the government, spending the money on a drug which has already taken what little sanity he had left, and shacking up with a woman who is apparently as sick as he is. This is the woman without whom he refused to go to treatment. She said she didn't need any help getting off drugs. His mom said that he says that he can help her. I don't even know what to say to that. What in the...? Okayyy...

Hi, Redeemed. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that trauma seeing him again. I'm glad you were able to weather it without passing out, and that you got through your speech in class as well. I am praying for God to support and encourage you through this, especially in processing those feelings of rejection and your anxiety over the upcoming visitation issue. 

Thank you, WOC! Your support means a lot to me. Good news today, though, S3 and I finally got approved for Medicaid so the cost of therapy will actually be paid now, and I won't be out of pocket for it. That is a huge relief. I cannot wait to start back. I can tell I have been in a slump and struggling for a while now without it, so I am eager to start again. Look out, trauma, I'm about to tackle you head on

I'm too stubborn to let anything keep me down for long. Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words