Was this all bpd traits or just a bad choice of partner?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi there everyone! First post here...I didn't know where to go for some support on a toxic situation with my now, ex of 4 months, but I saw this site so hoping you guys can help I know 4 months doesn't sound long but it began quite intense (which is usually unlike me) This guy is 2 years younger than me;30, has a young child aged one and he had been single for 3 months when we had met. When we met I found him endearing, fun, went from 0-100; I sensed he may have some bpd traits soon in. Lo & behold, within about a month he got drunk and listed his mental health issues: borderline being one. He had been seeking therapy then stopped. I really tried to support and care for him.

His ex and him were deciphering co-parenting when we met but he insisted I met his child straight away. By 2 months in, he said I wasn't embracing enough time with him and his child, that I expected to be a higher priority(!) I don't have children so he'd say I don't understand anything which is nonsense. I had some niggles whereby plans changed abruptly and then he had her all weekend and 1 eve in the week, which is fine, but I couldn't stay at his overnight because he had his daughter sleeping in his bed. A few arguments did arise and perhaps I should have pushed myself more but I suffer from my own anxieties too, so I'm at fault also. I take responsibility for them. I just wanted more time and to have mature conversations after a disagreement

He lost his job in September and took it hard; which I understood but we started seeing each other less. He'd have plans that he'd never told me about for ex. Then I saw him on dating sites, when challenged, he lied..then the profile disappeared. I saw him beginning of October. We were still chatting until mid but it became cold on his part. When I asked about seeing him he said 'I didn't think you wanted to' I reassured I did but explained how weird things have become and that I don't think his feelings are reciprocated. He didn't reply..a few days later, he said he'd been visiting his friend in hospital. I spent the next few days sending a few messages of concern. Ignoring continued. I'd also lent him money so I was getting quite bewildered by this point. I rang one night when he said he was driving up to the hospital. I asked to see him the next night to talk (but he hadn't got his daughter home until 7 so I thought best to leave it-said in a caring way) Another week & then I see he's added a random girl on social media & 'liking' her photos. I messaged again but nothing back. At the weekend he said 'my friend has died, I'm arranging his funeral- need space from you & I'll ring when I can face the world' when asked if he's just dating someone else, he lied and said he's not made a decision about when to see me

Since then, I found out through a source that he'd been dating above girl for 6 weeks 'exclusively and almost everyday!' He's blocked me, got her to block me (for some unbeknown reason) and has been pretty harsh, saying how incompatible we are and he is seeing someone, but after we ended things- those words never happened...Lengthy, sorry about that, but is this typical behaviour or am I barking up the wrong tree and it was just doomed ? 

[Lulu1]

Hi there everyone! First post here...I didn't know where to go for some support on a toxic situation with my now, ex of 4 months, but I saw this site so hoping you guys can help I know 4 months doesn't sound long but it began quite intense (which is usually unlike me) This guy is 2 years younger than me;30, has a young child aged one and he had been single for 3 months when we had met. When we met I found him endearing, fun, went from 0-100; I sensed he may have some bpd traits soon in. Lo & behold, within about a month he got drunk and listed his mental health issues: borderline being one. He had been seeking therapy then stopped. I really tried to support and care for him.

His ex and him were deciphering co-parenting when we met but he insisted I met his child straight away. By 2 months in, he said I wasn't embracing enough time with him and his child, that I expected to be a higher priority(!) I don't have children so he'd say I don't understand anything which is nonsense. I had some niggles whereby plans changed abruptly and then he had her all weekend and 1 eve in the week, which is fine, but I couldn't stay at his overnight because he had his daughter sleeping in his bed. A few arguments did arise and perhaps I should have pushed myself more but I suffer from my own anxieties too, so I'm at fault also. I take responsibility for them. I just wanted more time and to have mature conversations after a disagreement

He lost his job in September and took it hard; which I understood but we started seeing each other less. He'd have plans that he'd never told me about for ex. Then I saw him on dating sites, when challenged, he lied..then the profile disappeared. I saw him beginning of October. We were still chatting until mid but it became cold on his part. When I asked about seeing him he said 'I didn't think you wanted to' I reassured I did but explained how weird things have become and that I don't think his feelings are reciprocated. He didn't reply..a few days later, he said he'd been visiting his friend in hospital. I spent the next few days sending a few messages of concern. Ignoring continued. I'd also lent him money so I was getting quite bewildered by this point. I rang one night when he said he was driving up to the hospital. I asked to see him the next night to talk (but he hadn't got his daughter home until 7 so I thought best to leave it-said in a caring way) Another week & then I see he's added a random girl on social media & 'liking' her photos. I messaged again but nothing back. At the weekend he said 'my friend has died, I'm arranging his funeral- need space from you & I'll ring when I can face the world' when asked if he's just dating someone else, he lied and said he's not made a decision about when to see me

Since then, I found out through a source that he'd been dating above girl for 6 weeks 'exclusively and almost everyday!' He's blocked me, got her to block me (for some unbeknown reason) and has been pretty harsh, saying how incompatible we are and he is seeing someone, but after we ended things- those words never happened...Lengthy, sorry about that, but is this typical behaviour or am I barking up the wrong tree and it was just doomed ? 

[Longterm]

Welcome Lulu1

The behaviour you describe is typical of those with BPD. I see your frustration and sheer bewilderment at what has unfolded.
4mths can seem like a very long time in these relationships and can leave us feeling very emotional as we try to figure out the why's of it all. All of us here have been or still are in these relationships.

PwBPD tend to struggle regulating their emotions, and feel emotions to the extreme. What you described at the very beginning of the relationship was idealization, it feels great right? Sadly the emotions dysregulate and your left with devaluation and shock, something that is very hard to deal with. You should try not to take is personally as this has very little to do with you.

Try to take care of you right now and think about what you need.

LT.

[Lulu1]

Thank you, LT for the thoughtful reply. That helps to know I was on the right track then! I think what really hurts is that he can’t understand what he’s done and that it was blatant lying.

If he wasn’t happy, why could he not communicate this instead of disregarding me and replacing me, whilst still saying a week ago he’s not formed a decision about ‘us’ and has no feelings for anyone else. Pretty much blaming me for things..

I find it really baffling behaviour. Do they ever return? (Not that I’d want him to)

[Longterm]

  I think what really hurts is that he can’t understand what he’s done and that it was blatant lying. 

A pwBPD feels core shame and can literally hate themselves, to deal with this they often use maladaptive behaviour as a coping strategy. It appears to those on the outside that the person is in dire need of help yet they deny anything is wrong because to do so would trigger the intense feelings of shame.

 
If he wasn’t happy, why could he not communicate this instead of disregarding me and replacing me

Because in reality you have probably done very little wrong. Their extreme feelings of shame and their inability to sustain happiness has to have a cause, to explore this would force the individual to look within, the shame is too great and painful though so they project their emotions on those closest to them, hence the blame.

I find it really baffling behaviour. Do they ever return?  

It is baffling yes but all of us here understand how you feel.

They often return yes, my ex did many times due to lack of a new host. Even after she found a new host she still returned 18mths later and caused even more damage.

How are you feeling today?

LT.

[Lulu1]

I feel a lot better I must say thanks.  Found it all difficult to get my head round this week but I’m just going to get on with my life. His new woman is welcome to him! It’s really helped absorbing what you’ve said and reading through other stories here.

What I can’t figure out is, when I found the truth out and called him out on it, he said ‘sorry you’re hurt. That wasn’t my intention, I just didn’t think it was your business to know I’m with someone new!’ Then proceeding to block me off WhatsApp etc. I find it all confusing. I’ve still got to text him because he owes me money so I’m waiting until the last minute- Since he clearly wants me gone!

[Longterm]

I feel a lot better I must say thanks. 

This is good to read.

Found it all difficult to get my head round this week but I’m just going to get on with my life. 

It is difficult to get your head around yes, I think once you have found out about BPD and experienced these relationships, it is something that you wont forget, there is much to be learned here in regards to future relationships. I think that you thinking about what you need is a step in the right direction, after all what can you do but get on with your life.

   I find it all confusing

The push pull dynamic is confusing, you cannot make sense of it because his mind works in a different way to yours. It makes perfect sense to him but your left scratching your head, bogged down in FOG.

I’ve still got to text him because he owes me money so I’m waiting until the last minute- Since he clearly wants me gone! 

How is this making you feel right now?

LT.

[Rev]

I’ve still got to text him because he owes me money so I’m waiting until the last minute- Since he clearly wants me gone!

If you find a way to recoup that money, let us know!  BPD's are notorious for being bad with promises and money. Mine was awful. I needed to get my head around that and rationalize that as an investment in my future.

Be thankful that you're not there any more.  Welcome to the club!

Rev

[Lulu1]

How is this making you feel right now?

LT.

Not too bad actually! Although I’m waiting on the promise of it, so hopefully he lives up to it. I know he’s had a lot going on (with the loss of his friend) but as he turned to someone else and lied to me, I’m just thinking only of my return of money. Does that sound bad? I don’t expect him to reply- just to transfer it over & I’m ok with that. He was extremely cold and nonchalant when we last spoke so I’ve pretty much processed it all. Fingers crossed!

[Lulu1]

If you find a way to recoup that money, let us know!  BPD's are notorious for being bad with promises and money. Mine was awful. I needed to get my head around that and rationalize that as an investment in my future.

Be thankful that you're not there any more.  Welcome to the club!

Rev

Considering I gave him the money in August, yes it is taking a while! I’m not holding out hope I’ll get it all but I think I’m past caring. I’ll be sure to let you all know if I do and thank you for the welcome! Haha

[Longterm]

  I’m just thinking only of my return of money. Does that sound bad?

Its difficult at times to show empathy and compassion to someone who has hurt us. It sounds like you are very focused on tying all this unfortunate business up and moving on, it doesn't sound bad at all. He has left you quite emotionally drained. If you have issues getting the money it may be best to just let it go, it may be more beneficial to you that way.

LT.

[insideoutside]

Considering I gave him the money in August, yes it is taking a while! I’m not holding out hope I’ll get it all but I think I’m past caring. I’ll be sure to let you all know if I do and thank you for the welcome! Haha

I hope you do manage to get the money back and it isn't a significant sum.  Are you also sure that his friend was ill and has died?  My friend who I strongly suspect has BPD/NPD traits would use his friend as an excuse why he didn't call me.  His close friend had apparently had a heart attack and was in hospital dying.  He didn't sound overly distraught and I never heard anything more about it.. so my ears prick up when I hear something similar being said.  Brace yourself, once this OW has seen his true colours and kicked him to the kerb, and seeing that you showed him empathy before, he will be back.  I'd bet the money he owes you on it!

[Rev]

he will be back.  I'd bet the money he owes you on it!

I would too.

My ex came back with personal effects and this was several months after the break-up. And she showed up with the new supply - who happens to be her newly found biological brother. (Yes... that's happening)

He'll be back. If you are here, it's because you figured him out (as you say) before it ended.  And BPDs cannot stand being seen in that way. Sad existence but true.

Keep on keeping on.

Rev

[Lulu1]

I hope you do manage to get the money back and it isn't a significant sum.  Are you also sure that his friend was ill and has died?  My friend who I strongly suspect has BPD/NPD traits would use his friend as an excuse why he didn't call me.  His close friend had apparently had a heart attack and was in hospital dying.  He didn't sound overly distraught and I never heard anything more about it.. so my ears prick up when I hear something similar being said.  Brace yourself, once this OW has seen his true colours and kicked him to the kerb, and seeing that you showed him empathy before, he will be back.  I'd bet the money he owes you on it!

Blimey! That does sound similar I must say. I just cannot fathom that someone would make up such an elaborate, vile lie? I don’t bank on him coming back but let’s see ha. He seemed quite adamant about never wanting to hear from me or see me again, even though he’s been in the wrong. I took accountability for my mistakes  do you ever ask your friend about his friend and what happened?

[Lulu1]

I would too.

My ex came back with personal effects and this was several months after the break-up. And she showed up with the new supply - who happens to be her newly found biological brother. (Yes... that's happening)

He'll be back. If you are here, it's because you figured him out (as you say) before it ended.  And BPDs cannot stand being seen in that way. Sad existence but true.

Keep on keeping on.

Rev

Thanks Rev. Wow! Her new supply was her brother? That’s a bit...shocking! To say the least. How did you feel when she turned up again, if you don’t mind me asking?
I doubt mine will show up; he made it clear we’d only been dating a short-ish time and he’s moved on (whilst I was in the picture of course..) He doesn’t spend any time with the mother of his child, although enjoyed vilifying her which I also challenged him on.

[Rev]

Thanks Rev. Wow! Her new supply was her brother? That’s a bit...shocking! To say the least. How did you feel when she turned up again, if you don’t mind me asking?
I doubt mine will show up; he made it clear we’d only been dating a short-ish time and he’s moved on (whilst I was in the picture of course..) He doesn’t spend any time with the mother of his child, although enjoyed vilifying her which I also challenged him on.

Well on the day they showed up, it was several weeks - like 15 since the break-up and by then I had a good handle on what was going on. And I could see her arrive at a distance in with her brother in his jeep. She turned up with scrapbooks that my late mother had put together from my childhood that she had been holding on to and that I had assumed I would not recoup.  That part I found rather creepy. That's the need for control in BPD's isn't it?  

So to be honest - I was revulsed and I was vindicated at the same time. She and I work for the same organization and gossip about she and her is pretty rampant - so I really don't need to worry about a smear campaign. She showed her desperation to me. She looked rather sad, very nervous, a little desperate.

I slapped a nasty cease and desist on her. The weight of our organization will come down on her if she misbehaves again.

In the meantime, I am completing a thesis at University about such things. Success is the best way to move on. And good for you for challenging him on his behavior. Once one is out, I find that it's the best way to lay boundaries - because they can't control you any more. The thing they want the least is to be "seen".  Showing them that you "see" them is like bug repellent.  

Hope all is well with you.

Rev

[Longterm]

 I doubt mine will show up; he made it clear we’d only been dating a short-ish time and he’s moved on (whilst I was in the picture of course..) He doesn’t spend any time with the mother of his child, although enjoyed vilifying her which I also challenged him on.

Never think he will not come back. My ex made me feel like I was sub human. She alienated me from my children, left me in thousands of pounds of debt, completely assassinated my character to anybody who would listen, even my own family. I could write a book here about her treatment of the kids, let alone me. After 18mths she came back and said she was "sorry", was going to get help, be a better mom etc. I honestly believed that she had "seen the light". Anywho, after a few months she ran back off to her bf, he is god again and I am trash. I have been interviewed by police during this time and have had some truly vile accusations made against me. There is no part of me that thinks this woman will not attempt to come back, it's more a case of when, and building up my defences.

Bare in mind though that I believe my ex to be more on the NPD/ASPD spectrum.

LT.

[Rev]

Never think he will not come back. There is no part of me that thinks this woman will not attempt to come back, it's more a case of when, and building up my defences.

Bare in mind though that I believe my ex to be more on the NPD/ASPD spectrum.

LT.

Wise way to look at things.  I never thought she would come back either. The opposite happened. She showed up at my place of work and for her to do that, she would have needed to put some effort in to that, since I report to multiple points.

Rev

[insideoutside]

Thanks Rev. Wow! Her new supply was her brother? That’s a bit...shocking! To say the least. How did you feel when she turned up again, if you don’t mind me asking?
I doubt mine will show up; he made it clear we’d only been dating a short-ish time and he’s moved on (whilst I was in the picture of course..) He doesn’t spend any time with the mother of his child, although enjoyed vilifying her which I also challenged him on.

Oh man, the times me and my friend have fallen out and said the most horrible and horrific things to each other only to reconnect again months down the line.  I always say I'll never hear from him again after he has 'wished me well' for the umpteenth time but one of us always reaches back out after a period of time.  Longest ever no contact was 11 months.  Been no contact now since July 11th so nearly at the 5 month mark this time round and I have no plans to reach out and wish him a merry Christmas or happy new year.  I have got to the point of being indifferent now.

No I haven't asked him about his friend as to be honest, until I saw your post I had completely forgotten about his 'near deaths door' friend.  Would be interesting if we did get back in touch again to know if he died or made a miraculous recovery though  

[Lulu1]

Well I feel horrible. I know I wasn’t with this guy for that long but his persona really did hook me in and he text me tonight to say “Can’t find your belongings. Send me your details for money transfer” - He’s just moved but my things were on the nightstand! Oh and I got half the money owed. I tried asking for extra £20 due to some alcohol I bought him- he said he’d give me that back too.

Well, that ‘source’ who told me about the girl he’d been seeing is a friend I know through my brother (his friend more so) anyway, he is friends with the girl(!) So I was so so angry when this all unfolded. I’d messaged said source and he asked about the situation/guy. I explained it was complicated due to his issues/my own issues/his kid and his complex character. Stupidly I mentioned he had bpd (I know, wrong move) I didn’t expect him to then go ahead and blab behind my back at what I’d said! I thought it was said in confidence.

Anyway...ex says tonight “by the way, the decent thing is also not to discuss other people's mental health with other people particulaly people neither of them have ever met, but guess you didn't get that memo. ✌️

I feel terrible. I didn’t discuss anything at length or want to cause distress!

[SinisterComplex]

LuLu as I have told others on this board. Do not punish yourself. We all make mistakes. Just take your situation as a learning lesson and move on. There is no reason to beat yourself up and thinking you could have done anything different. The past is already written. The ink is dry. Sh*t happens. Things really do happen for a reason and I would say from what you have said this is all a blessing in disguise. Want better, expect better, do better! Don't question yourself any further because all you are going to do is stay tied to the past and this scenario and there is no one person on this planet that is worth that kind of anguish.

Accept that he was a bad partner for you and that he has his own set of issues to deal with and they are no longer any concern of yours. He did you a favor by behaving the way he did.

I wish you all the best moving forward.

Cheers!

[Lulu1]

Well, that ‘source’ who told me about the girl he’d been seeing is a friend I know through my brother (his friend more so) anyway, he is friends with the girl(!) So I was so so angry when this all unfolded. I’d messaged said source and he asked about the situation/guy. I explained it was complicated due to his issues/my own issues/his kid and his complex character. Stupidly I mentioned he had bpd (I know, wrong move) I didn’t expect him to then go ahead and blab behind my back at what I’d said! I thought it was said in confidence.

Thank you! Your advice helped. I can actually confirm that I only mentioned what's in italic. I would not say that's a full on discussion...unless, his information has been misinformed. (people never seize to amaze me so that's no shock) or he's been on this site for some reason! Which I'd actually think is advisable as it's enlightening. I just feel like I've been painted black and the guilty party, when I'm definitely not. I truly wanted to look after him through the turmoil...If feelings are no longer reciprocated by someone, I don't expect to be deceived and then feel like I'm in the wrong. There's such a thing as civil honesty right?