H Returned Today

[GoldenBubble]

Good morning...after 4 days of ghosting me, drinking, no contact, etc, H showed up this morning asking me what I plan to do, what were we fighting about...blah, blah, blah.

I said I was taking this one day at a time, I informed him that he cannot violate my emotional safety by bum rushing me whenever I need space to calm my nerves and that I no longer felt comfortable having joint bank accounts.  He listened and apologized.  He claimed he hadn't been online at all I knew nothing about the bank situation (bull--I get notified when he opens an email plus he was on FB non-stop).  I didn't JADE!  Victory for me.  I let my hurt feelings out instead of "being strong" and feel good about myself.  He tried to get me to take care of his feelings and even said "I need your help with the financial stuff" for his business.  Trying to put me in the parent role but I was prepared for this (thank you AJ Mahari).  I said "You have run a sucessful business for 2 decades without my help and I have total confidence in your ability to continue to do so.  Then he said he didn't think separate bank accounts was a good idea...I said nothing.  I can understand his upset--he no longer has access to my income which is double his.  He's gonna have to live within his means and he probably doesn't like that very much.  But it's necessary for his recovery.  I also told him I can't force him to get help but that he won't be happy (with or without me in his life) until he gets some hard-core trauma recovery work done.  However, I did say if he disappears again I will have the locks on the house and security codes changed and it will take much more effort on his part to get back in.  

He didn't argue.  He went to the bank and made deposits to cover his overdrafts (I checked) and said he will go close the account next week.  Then he tried to get me to agree to open a new credit card and transfers balances from HIS Chase account.  I explained that in the last 2 weeks I've paid $1219 on that account to cover charges I've made and will be returning the card he got for me.  He didn't like that AT ALL.

So he definitely likes shared accounts even though he's been an asshole to me about MY SPENDING.  I'm soo glad for that to be over.  YAY!

PS--When I handed him his mail he tried to get me to READ IT TO HIM.  When I said "that's ok, you can just read it to me" and then said "Well since I don't have any checks right now I can't pay this."  The bank always provides starter checks so I know that to be false.  I said nothing but smiled.  He walked away.  So I'm very happy to be able to navigate this stressful time with much calm.  Thanks everyone for your support.  I keep you posted.

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[Wulphesse]

I can hear the confidence you demonstrated to him in the tone of your post!
 
It sounds like you set some very clear limits and stayed non reactive to his attempts to find a way around the boundaries.

Well done!

[GoldenBubble]

I can hear the confidence you demonstrated to him in the tone of your post!
 
It sounds like you set some very clear limits and stayed non reactive to his attempts to find a way around the boundaries.

Well done!

Thanks.  He's still trying.  I asked him if he wanted me to include anything for him in the grocery order and he asked for some very expensive pecans.  Then I said "Do you want me to continue to plan for you to share meals with us?"  Most of the time he "runs to town" and grabs fast food BTW.  He said yes he'd like to.  So then I said that I'll need him to kick in his share on the grocery bill and he made a loud, contemptuous huffing noise and walked off.  I expect him to say that it feels like I'm pulling away or don't want to be married.  I believe with all my heart he doesn't want to be financially accountable for himself.  That's why he convinced me in the first place to take over all of the billpaying, get joint accounts, etc.  And I've put my foot down and he does not like it one bit.  Very telling 

[Ozzie101]

Yes, that's textbook acting out.

Often, our pwBPD will try to shift responsibility to us. My H does that -- not financially, but with decisions large and small. He doesn't want the responsibility and is afraid of failing, I think. Gently but firmly giving their problems back to them is a healthy thing for both parties -- though, no, they're probably not going to like it.

[Wulphesse]

I said that I'll need him to kick in his share on the grocery bill and he made a loud, contemptuous huffing noise and walked off.  I expect him to say that it feels like I'm pulling away or don't want to be married.  I believe with all my heart he doesn't want to be financially accountable for himself.

This is VERY familiar to me. The huff, then the (pending) accusation that in asking him to contribute to the household [in other words, by setting a limit] I am actually somehow being un-wifely. My H often implies that he is the primary financial contributor, and that I am "trying to take all his money" or I'm "just there for the money." In our situation this is patently false because, like you, I earn 2x his income. I pay the lion's share of the bills, but he does pay specific bills -- like the cell phones because it allows him to monitor who I call and prevent me from having access to the billing info.

I'm noticing a few factors at work in my H's financial irresponsibility. First, and a piece I had not really thought of before I had learned more about BPD, the executive functioning piece. Financial responsibility, heck even just regular bill paying, means sitting down and facing facts that are sometimes very uncomfortable. Cue: emotional trigger, shame, frustration, etc. I see that in myself as I have struggled to improve in this area. Second, my H's parents have always enabled him financially, and still do (it's one of the main reasons I'm afraid to divorce, as they will gladly fund a vindictive legal process I can't afford). Third, I think my H is generally overwhelmed by his own dysregulation. It's hard for him to commit to not jumping out of his skin any given moment, let alone being in the same county for dinner. He HATES to be pinned down to ANY commitment. He sees any plan -- even something he wants to do -- as an imposition.

[GoldenBubble]

I'm noticing a few factors at work in my H's financial irresponsibility. First, and a piece I had not really thought of before I had learned more about BPD, the executive functioning piece. Financial responsibility, heck even just regular bill paying, means sitting down and facing facts that are sometimes very uncomfortable. Cue: emotional trigger, shame, frustration, etc.

Yes.  When he used to do his bill paying for his business he would get very agitated and use that as an excuse to be irritable towards everyone.  I took it over to bring peace to the household.  I'm certain he doesn't relish having to do that again because he's let his income slide down in the past year.  It's gonna be tight and he won't have the cushion or play money to spend like he has recently.

Third, I think my H is generally overwhelmed by his own dysregulation. It's hard for him to commit to not jumping out of his skin any given moment, let alone being in the same county for dinner. He HATES to be pinned down to ANY commitment. He sees any plan -- even something he wants to do -- as an imposition.

Oh my...this too.  Many times we would have plans to do something together (lunch, date, play music together, have sex) and he would just act like it never was planned...ghosting me.  Then when I would ask about it he would behave very put upon like I was clingy and demanding.