How to break up and minimize collateral damage to her

[mountaintosea]

I have been in a romantic relationship with an angry, severely borderline woman (therapist's words) for about a year and a half.  Wonderful at first but I kept making excuses and ignoring the red flags...  I've really tried to be who she needs and support her in the good times and the horrible.  I realize now that even when things are comparatively good, I'm not at all happy.  Out of contact with many friends, constantly under suspicion, walking on eggshells every day and living with anger and demeaning rants and rage...

I have tried to have serious conversations with her about the relationship, how I feel and what I need.  We have never been able to have a discussion without her deflecting, and weaponizing even the most innocent or even complementary, positive sentences.

She refuses to accept the diagnosis of borderline and feels that she has already dealt with her issues through Therapy long ago. She feels that It's all someone else's fault - usually mine or her mother's... 

We had shared a house for several disastrous months.   I have had wonderful, calm, fulfilling long term relationships and a very successful happy marriage.  I have never had violence in my life, nor have I ever had much of a temper.  When she left, there were 7 holes punched in the walls - one from me and seven from her...

She had attempted suicide.  Sliced her arm, chest and face with knives and razor blades, and gone after me with a chef's knife when I asked her to leave. 

Other times, she fell to the floor flopping about and saying she was having a seizure and call 911 - So I was hooked back in -

She finally left a few months ago as she got a job elsewhere.

So, I was a total idiot a few weeks ago,  she was back in the area briefly and asked in front of a group of mutual friends if she could stay at my house for a couple of nights before going to another consulting job.  I felt like I would be a real jerk if I said no.  She seemed fine and calm.   

So, a few weeks later and she is still here.  I have asked her to leave several times and each time it is met with suicide threats and her telling me that I am abandoning her and throwing her out.  Her story changes - she may have cancer, but details keep changing...  I've been being nice and non-confrontational and letting her say anything she wants just to avoid conflict and violence.

She left on short notice and is now doing some consulting work in another area of the country for a couple of weeks.  She is leaving loving texts talking about the future as if nothing is wrong.   She left her car and much of her stuff here.  I'm thinking to load it all in her car and drive it to where she is working, tell her via text where it is, where the keys are - then block her calls, messages and email... 

However, I know that she is in a rough way these days and will see it as horribly unfair, hurtful and the ultimate in devaluation and abandonment - or at least portray that to her immediate world.  I am concerned though that it will hurt her deeply and perhaps push her further into crisis or suicide attempts... But I'm tired of being held hostage to her temper and anger...  I don't want a future with her.

Looking for insight, perspective and any words of wisdom you might have... Sorry for the very long post and thank you for reading it...

[confusedbybdp]

 

Oh my gosh, mountaintosea, that is a horrific series of events you shared, and I am so glad you reached out to this community.  I am sure many others will respond with empathy and good advice.  I wanted to write to you right away because of the extreme nature of your post.  

First and foremost, because violence has been a part of the relationship on her part, YOUR safety is of utmost importance.  I would urge you to put this concern front and center, and make ALL of your decisions through this lens.  

She is using many of the "typical" strategies to get you back into the relationship - charm, being seemingly "calm" and "well," then massively sick and unwell, to reel you back in.  It is very understandable that you wanted to be decent and nice by helping her, but given her past volatility, I do fear for your safely and well being.

I am not sure that the approach of putting her things in a car and driving them to her location is a safe way of terminating this relationship.  I'm sure others here will weigh in on this.  I will also give it more thought.  I am concerned, given her propensity for physical violence, that this will enrage her, and it may blow back on you in a dangerous way.  

BUT, there is no doubt in my mind that a complete SEVERANCE of this r/s is absolutely necessary, yet the situation must be handled with care.  There can be no going back or being the nice, helpful guy in the future.  

[mountaintosea]

Thank you confusedbybdp for your kind words and insight.   Your concerns for my safety are much appreciated and I too share the concern.  I am not planning to have any contact with her when leaving the car.  I have a safe place to leave it which will be very convenient for her to pick up with no chance of face to face contact. 

I plan to send her an email and text, telling her where her car and belongings are securely parked and where she can pick up her keys.

My concern at this point is what to say and how to leave her feeling less rejected - However, I also suspect (Know?) that she will take from my words what she wants and what her past lets her hear...  She has never fully understood most of what I have said, but rather what filters through the trauma and fear... 

So, do I say that I love her and hope the best for her and acknowledge our past - or does that give her false hope that the door is still open?  I'm struggling with what is kinder. 

I feel that moving her things out when she is not around is a cowardly and unfair way to do it, but see no other safe option at this point...

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear mountaintosea-

I’m so very sorry that you’re experiencing this pain, and the fear around ending this relationship.  And I’m glad that you’re taking your safety into consideration... that needs to come first.

Have you ever spoken to domestic violence (DV) hotline experts before?  It may be a good idea to obtain their insight in the logistical side of things.  On our site, there’s a link to SAFETY FIRST, and I believe that will lead you to a national DV number (if you’re in the U.S.).

As far as your note or email, I would advise approaching your reasons for doing this ENTIRELY from an  *I* perspective.  Whether true or not, if you take full responsibility for what you’re doing, any backlash will be lessened.  Hopefully.  Perhaps you can say something to the effect of ... “after much thought I find that I’ve got a lot of work to do on myself.  I’m going into intense therapy and am in no position to be in a relationship for the foreseeable future... I’m sorry, I care for you and I sincerely wish you the best”.  Love, mountaintosea.  Full stop.

And then.  REMOVE yourself from ALL social media for the next several months (if you’re active there).  You do NOT want her to see you out and about posting happy happy pictures of yourself right after your breakup.

My friend, You’re in a relationship with a highly sensitive person who has very extreme emotional swings.  She has shown you a willingness to harm herself; and you’re really trying to safely extricate yourself from this thing.  This is NOT a normal breakup.  If there are any close VERY TRUSTWORTHY mutual friends, perhaps a heads-up right after the car drop-off would be in order (but I don’t know?)

And a few queries ... as she’s been away and sending loving texts, how have you been responding?  And in the two weeks she’s been staying with you, as you’ve been asking her to leave, have you also been intimate with her?  Giving her mixed signals?

Finally, yes to blocking your cell phone and social media (if you use that).  Because of her extreme behavior, I’m not so sure it’s the best idea to disallow her contact through email from the start, but maybe others have thoughts here?  It doesn’t mean you HAVE to read or engage.  I guess this depends on how your last interactions with her transpired... were you intimate?  Did you say “I’ll see you in a month..”, etc.  How confusing or “sudden” WILL this really feel for her? 

BUT... please don’t beat yourself up over being “cowardly or unfair”.  I feel you’re being neither.  You’ve seen the danger and you’re trying to take proper steps to ensure your and her safety.

Again, mountaintosea- I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through And are going through.

Your thoughts? 

Please keep posting.  And above ALL else, safety.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[mountaintosea]

Thank you, Gems,
Some most helpful thoughts and guidance... 

She is certainly aware that we are not on "solid ground".  I have been trying not to provoke her but not lead her on.  I have replied to her loving good morning messages with a simple good morning.  Perhaps I shouldn't have been doing even that.  We haven't been intimate for a long time - both her choice and mine...  I've not been giving her anything to fuel an angry response - simply listening and barely replying.  I think it will be somewhat of a surprise to her - but I think the writing has been on the wall for a long time.  I don't think however that she expects me to do this.  I'm sure she was expecting to come back and find her things where she left them...To be fair, she was still partially packed as she has been "going to leave" for weeks...


I know it will be confusing for her...  I've been trying not to be a total jerk and she interprets that as loving.   To her, anyone who doesn't abuse her seems to be a loving person.  She had a very rough childhood and adult life.  I'm not certain however how much is real or how much is her story.  But what's real to her is what is important...  She has however been able to put so much of it aside and has been extremely successful professionally.  Her public persona is very charismatic, likable and competent. 

I have spoken with domestic violence help lines, suicide hotlines, She's been to a crisis center twice for suicide threats or "attempts".   The guidance I have received from all of them is to protect myself and call 911 if she attempts either violence or self-harm. 

I will be reaching out to a very trusted mutual friend and will explain my motivations and tell her where her car keys and all of her valuables are.   I plan to Fed-ex her most important papers and thumb drives to her former house mate where she still has many of her possessions.

This still doesn't feel good but I know that it is something I must do.  I so wish we were able to actually communicate effectively...

I really appreciate all of your comments, insights and support!
 

[Isanni]

Please let us know how it turned out.
It's hard but necessary to take care of your mental health - can't be at the expense of others, especially since you are not married, this is not your child.
I have a daughter with borderline traits who behalves like this woman. They do feel a lot of pain and don't always see the situation as it is AND we need to hold them accountable for their behaviors. I would hate for my daughter to be with someone who puts up with her abuse - it reinforces her negative thoughts and behaviors. And can severely damage the guy she's with. I've seen it! 

[GaGrl]

If you do move forward with taking her car and belongings and leaving them for her, what is the chance she will re-appear at your house? You might need to change your locks.