This feels impossible

[Depression = 72% of members]

First time posting here. My husband is a living nightmare. Raging, lashing out, unable to control his emotions, furious one minute, crying the next, then suddenly acting like nothing happened. And he tells me everything is all my fault. I’m bitter, cold, horrible to be around, a terrible mother, the worst part of his day every day, and the list goes on, including the very nasty names he calls me daily. In my house there is no such thing as a “normal day.” My husband is undiagnosed, but our marriage counselor recently recommended Stop Walking on Eggshells and I also have the accompanying workbook. Reading them is like reading about my life! The way my husband acts is downright crazy, unexplainable, insane, and suddenly I feel like a lightbulb switched on and I can really see what’s happening. I can’t believe other people live this way, too! I feel incredibly validated. It’s like someone told me, “I know you are not making this up!” For a couple months, I’ve been more hopeful, because now I have tools to manage him, to prevent episodes. And that works sometimes. But other times there’s nothing I can do to stop him when he’s raging through the house, screaming and throwing things while my two little girls watch. I keep thinking I can help him and he won’t be like this any more. I’ve also figured out his cycle, so I know it’s coming like a day before and I can prepare for it. But...is this life sustainable? Lately I’ve been feeling more hopeless, because now I know I can’t reason with him like a normal person. It’s really an awful way to live. The sad thing is that he’s a lovely person, generous, enthusiastic, charming. That is, when he isn’t screaming at me for the smallest, most ridiculous things that don’t even matter and generally ruining every weekend, holiday, birthday, etc. I guess I’m here to ask how you manage to stay with them? Do you have techniques that really help? Are we all doomed? Is there something wrong with me for staying with this person? Am I a bad mother for keeping my children in this environment? Or a good mother for trying so diligently to help their messed up father? How do you suggest to someone that they might have an undiagnosed issue that is wreaking unspeakable havoc? Is it possible to love someone into treatment? I am desperate, heartbroken, hopeful and hopeless.

Edited to add: I just saw the note about productive posts — I promise to be more productive in the future! Just introducing myself I guess and I’m grateful to know this community exists.

[melody87]

First time posting here. My husband is a living nightmare. Raging, lashing out, unable to control his emotions, furious one minute, crying the next, then suddenly acting like nothing happened. And he tells me everything is all my fault. I’m bitter, cold, horrible to be around, a terrible mother, the worst part of his day every day, and the list goes on, including the very nasty names he calls me daily. In my house there is no such thing as a “normal day.” My husband is undiagnosed, but our marriage counselor recently recommended Stop Walking on Eggshells and I also have the accompanying workbook. Reading them is like reading about my life! The way my husband acts is downright crazy, unexplainable, insane, and suddenly I feel like a lightbulb switched on and I can really see what’s happening. I can’t believe other people live this way, too! I feel incredibly validated. It’s like someone told me, “I know you are not making this up!” For a couple months, I’ve been more hopeful, because now I have tools to manage him, to prevent episodes. And that works sometimes. But other times there’s nothing I can do to stop him when he’s raging through the house, screaming and throwing things while my two little girls watch. I keep thinking I can help him and he won’t be like this any more. I’ve also figured out his cycle, so I know it’s coming like a day before and I can prepare for it. But...is this life sustainable? Lately I’ve been feeling more hopeless, because now I know I can’t reason with him like a normal person. It’s really an awful way to live. The sad thing is that he’s a lovely person, generous, enthusiastic, charming. That is, when he isn’t screaming at me for the smallest, most ridiculous things that don’t even matter and generally ruining every weekend, holiday, birthday, etc. I guess I’m here to ask how you manage to stay with them? Do you have techniques that really help? Are we all doomed? Is there something wrong with me for staying with this person? Am I a bad mother for keeping my children in this environment? Or a good mother for trying so diligently to help their messed up father? How do you suggest to someone that they might have an undiagnosed issue that is wreaking unspeakable havoc? Is it possible to love someone into treatment? I am desperate, heartbroken, hopeful and hopeless.

Edited to add: I just saw the note about productive posts — I promise to be more productive in the future! Just introducing myself I guess and I’m grateful to know this community exists.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Dnmtnbkr]

Hey Melody, welcome and so glad you posted. I'm a newbie here too and have found SO much support from the other family members and strength just by reading other posts.

Living with someone that has BPD traits is hard but not impossible. Depending on the situation you can do it. First and most important you need to take care of yourself. Find things and hobbies you love to do, that fill you up and strengthen you. This will give you strength when you need it in your marriage.

When I read 'Walking on Eggshells' I had a similar experience. I was reading about my relationship. It felt great to me that others are going through this (and managing).

And most important. DO NOT believe all the character attacks and negativity he is throwing out. Those are not the truth and your husbands calmer self probably knows it too.

Best to you and keep posting and checking in with everyone.