Missing My Ex Still - Need Help Moving On

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So here is an update on my situation. My wife is moving out in February. I have had no contact with my ex affair partner for two months and haven't seen her in four months. I have been going to SLAA meetings and am about to go into therapy. I am working on step four of the SLAA programme and have a sponsee.

The Good

I am taking time to discover who I am without a relationship.
I am on very good terms with my wife and she is happy in her new relationship. We have vowed to be friends and meet for coffee when she moves out.
I have refrained from jumping straight into another relationship despite interest from two women. I have managed to make the first woman a friend. She is healthy and well adjusted and seems fine with that.
The second woman is persisting in her pursuit of me but I have set a very firm boundary and explained in an empathetic way where I'm at now and why I'm not in a position to be able to have a relationship. She kind of isn't listening and it seems to me that she has some attachment issues herself. It's positive that I can now recognise damage when I see it and not only avoid it but be empathetic to the person involved. I would not want her to experience what I am going through.
I am going out with male friends as much as possible and trying to develop those friendships.
I am extremely busy with work have been super productive through all the pain.
I am doing my top line things as much as possible such as playing the piano and trying to look after myself.
I am doing step 4 in SLAA which is looking at the patterns of my past behaviour.

The Bad

Despite being in two 12 step programmes, getting ready for therapy and working hard, I am still waking up in the mornings feeling very bleak indeed without my ex. I still have suicidal thoughts and can't bear the idea of her being with someone else.
They tell me in SLAA that once I've done my step 4 and been in therapy a while, I will come to the realise that my yearning and aching is actually nothing to do with my ex but most likely childhood trauma. At the moment it seems absolutely connected to my relationship with my ex and the toxicity of that relationship. I seem to have trauma bonded with her and while she has moved on, I am stuck in the situation in my head of still being desperately in love with her and craving her physically and emotionally. I miss her company. I constantly tell myself that she was no good for me and go over all the times she was abusive and mean to me. Some days the intensity lessens but then it comes back with a vengeance. The worst days are Tuesdays and Thursdays when she works from home and Saturdays when I used to go to the same AA meeting as her.
I am putting on weight and eating the wrong foods as well as exercising much less.

Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated.

RF

[RomanticFool]

So here is an update on my situation. My wife is moving out in February. I have had no contact with my ex affair partner for two months and haven't seen her in four months. I have been going to SLAA meetings and am about to go into therapy. I am working on step four of the SLAA programme and have a sponsee.

The Good

I am taking time to discover who I am without a relationship.
I am on very good terms with my wife and she is happy in her new relationship. We have vowed to be friends and meet for coffee when she moves out.
I have refrained from jumping straight into another relationship despite interest from two women. I have managed to make the first woman a friend. She is healthy and well adjusted and seems fine with that.
The second woman is persisting in her pursuit of me but I have set a very firm boundary and explained in an empathetic way where I'm at now and why I'm not in a position to be able to have a relationship. She kind of isn't listening and it seems to me that she has some attachment issues herself. It's positive that I can now recognise damage when I see it and not only avoid it but be empathetic to the person involved. I would not want her to experience what I am going through.
I am going out with male friends as much as possible and trying to develop those friendships.
I am extremely busy with work have been super productive through all the pain.
I am doing my top line things as much as possible such as playing the piano and trying to look after myself.
I am doing step 4 in SLAA which is looking at the patterns of my past behaviour.

The Bad

Despite being in two 12 step programmes, getting ready for therapy and working hard, I am still waking up in the mornings feeling very bleak indeed without my ex. I still have suicidal thoughts and can't bear the idea of her being with someone else.
They tell me in SLAA that once I've done my step 4 and been in therapy a while, I will come to the realise that my yearning and aching is actually nothing to do with my ex but most likely childhood trauma. At the moment it seems absolutely connected to my relationship with my ex and the toxicity of that relationship. I seem to have trauma bonded with her and while she has moved on, I am stuck in the situation in my head of still being desperately in love with her and craving her physically and emotionally. I miss her company. I constantly tell myself that she was no good for me and go over all the times she was abusive and mean to me. Some days the intensity lessens but then it comes back with a vengeance. The worst days are Tuesdays and Thursdays when she works from home and Saturdays when I used to go to the same AA meeting as her.
I am putting on weight and eating the wrong foods as well as exercising much less.

Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated.

RF

[gizmocasci]

RF,

Have you dabbled in the spiritual side of things? For example Reiki or Crystal Bowl Sound Bath meditations, Yoga? These all were big helps for me, and I'm still participating in them, however I would do a little research on it so you know what you're getting into. The spiritual world is a rabbit hole, one I'm grateful to have gone down. Keep your body moving, start journaling, find anchors (things that keep you grounded.) Drink lots of water, and do your absolute best to keep feeding your body nourishing foods. If you slip up, don't be too hard on yourself.

I was told after a reiki session last evening that a message had come through from the universe. 1.) Be gentle on youself, and 2.) Protect your heart, because it's the river of life.

I hope this was of some assistance.

R