Trying to do the right thing

[madmac27]

I've started a new thread as things have not changed much since my dBPDw has left. It's been 2 months now and things are not moving forward (for me) at all. It's all very fresh still. Just to keep it short, my wife left with no warning and left me with a lease, bills, 2 cats (hers) and some mental and emotional wounds that seem insurmountable to overcome sometimes. I am attending therapy regularly. Looking after myself physically and riding this out. It is hands down the hardest thing I have ever done. All that aside, I could use some advice. Her ex husband has contacted me and whats me to swear in court about her behaviors while we were together. He is looking for controlled supervised visits for the children. While I don't want to get involved I do believe that this is best after witnessing some of the things that happened when she did have visitation. By leaving me she blew her chances at her parenting time because everyone involved agreed that if I was present she could have unsupervised overnight visits. After the discard she lost all access except these professionally supervised visits. She has accused me of lots of things, including losing her visitation. For months she has been threatening to charge me with sexual assault. There is nothing to substantiate this claim but she uses it (I think) as a form of control to keep me quiet. My fear is that if I do this she will probably try and charge me. (I'm living through a smear campaign as well right now). Question: Should I do this? Or just walk away.
I'm reaching I know. ANY input would be appreciated right now. HELP!

[confusedbybdp]

 

Dear madmac27,

This website may be helpful to you: www.highconflictinstitute.com.  Divorce and child custody cases involving one or both parties with mental health conditions, including BPD, are sometimes called "high conflict cases," and there is a wealth of information about them on this website and others.  The High Conflict Institute was founded by Bill Eddy, an attorney, mediator, and licensed clinical social worker, who is considered one of the leading experts in managing these cases.

As Eddy has stated in a number of articles I've read, spouses with BPD can be very successful in charming attorneys, judges, and others, and in persuading the court that THEY are the sane party, and their NON-BPD spouse is the "crazy," abusive, and/or unfit one.  Given what we as former partners know, this is a very believable assessment of the situation.  He recommends finding a lawyer that is up to speed on BPD.  There are, apparently, a number of lawyers and law firms that specialize in these cases, and are better prepared to protect the interests of the non-BPD spouse and their children.

I hope that helps!

[Lucky Jim]

For months she has been threatening to charge me with sexual assault. There is nothing to substantiate this claim but she uses it (I think) as a form of control to keep me quiet.

Hey madmac27, I suggest you do what you think is right, on a gut feeling level.  Needless to say, she is trying to manipulate you through F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt).  In this case, it's fear.  That's how those w/BPD control those around them.  My suggestion is: don't fall for it.  Call her bluff as necessary.  Document her threats and be ready for any retaliation.  Forewarned is forearmed.  Try to find the path that best corresponds with your core values and beliefs, then follow it.

LuckyJim

[madmac27]

Thanks for the replies. I decided to deny his request and blocked her ex husband and everyone that has something to do with this craziness. My thinking is by keeping my foot in this chaotic circle it will be harder to move forward. (It's hard enough right now). I need to get selfish at this point and look after myself. I spent two years helping her get good parenting time. In her mind I am responsible for her not having parenting time. I don't need anymore chaos from her life. This is just residue of whats left. None of it is good, and none of it is my problem anymore. I have to think this way in order to move on. Thanks for the input, it helped solidify what I was thinking. I love this site!

[SinisterComplex]

Madmac, I agree with your decision. It is best to pull the plug and be done with it. You have to truly make a clean breakaway. Honestly, the only person who matters in your story and what you are going through is YOU. You are not being selfish...no that is called self-preservation and being smart. The most important thing to realize is that you are not the problem. Nothing is your fault.

You will be ok. Life will get better. I think the most important thing for you to realize is that focus on what your ideal of love looks like...does your ideal involve getting treated like you were? I highly doubt it. So focus on you and let the good opportunities find you and move on to living a happy life. Yes I understand that it is easier said than done, but just realize it is a daily thing. So take it step by step. Day by day. Rebuild the YOU that you want to be brick by brick. I wish you the best moving forward and you will be successful and happy!

Cheers!

[madmac27]

Thanks for the reinforcement Sinister. I was beginning to second guess my decision. I suppose that's quite normal as I flipped on everything when I was with her. Or rather she would change my mind for me. Come to think of it this is the FIRST time I feel good about any decision since the discard... Maybe I am starting to see light.

Along with therapy this site has been a life boat for me!

Thanks again.