Staying the Course

[zachira]

My mother with BPD died last summer. I am now in the process of getting the small estate settled that my mother left to me and my siblings with BPD. I am not really that sad about my mother dying; I am just sad about the pain I feel about all the loses involved in growing up in a family with so many members with BPD and  NPD that target certain family members for ongoing scapegoating. I would so like to be done with the pain and sorrow, yet I know that being a member of an abusive family is a life time loss, and I have to be in contact with the family right now, and can never fully cut ties due to all the ways we are enmeshed, and due to the fact that there are some relatives I want to be in contact with.
Last night, I was out walking with a friend that I thoroughly enjoy. She and I have endless discussions in which there is affection, intellectual stimuation, and we learn from each other often respectfully disagreeing with each other. I also talked with a distant relative by phone this week who has become a close  friend, and had a similar experience with her that I had with my friend in the park yesterday. At the same time, I continually run into a man that pretended at one time to want to go out with me and I am now pretty sure he is gay, and it still hurts to know how vulnerable I can be at times.
Anyway, I know I have to keep going, grieving the pain before it gets to be too overwhelming, taking the steps to go lower and lower contact with my abusive family members, continuing to rebuild my life with friends I enjoy and they enjoy me while at the same time not getting involved with people who are only going to hurt me in ways similar to how my abusive family members have treated me.
I post here and respond to others posts on this Board, as I feel we get it when it comes to being surrounded by abusive family members as we take the high road building healthy lives for ourselves while grieving the lifetime loss of growing up in an abusive family.

[pursuingJoy]

zachira these are all deep and real thoughts, I connect with so many. You are so right that grieving the loss of your family is a lifetime endeavor.

I was 35, single mom of 3 and I hit a deer, totalling my minivan and stranding myself in a strange city. I cried, not over the van or my situation, but because I wished I could call my dad or one of my 3 brothers to help me out. I was sad because calling them was never an option. It was friends that stepped in and helped me find a mechanic, rent a car, and they let me stay overnight.

You are not only building a life for yourself that is healthy and supports your goals, you do so much for us here. Thank you for sharing this, and for all you do here! You are appreciated!

pj

[zachira]

PursuingJoy,
Thank you for validating my feelings and understanding how hard it is to not have a loving family and have to depend on friends. My heart hurts and I can relate when you describe how your friends helped you when you had your accident and how much you wished you could call your family. Building a supportive caring family out of harms way from our abusive family is healing yet it still hurts to be mistreated by family. Thank you for also understanding that grieving the loss of our families is a life time endeavor. I appreciate how you support and help members on this site!

[TelHill]

zachira,

You give so much support here & I’m grateful for it.

It takes time to grieve the loss of someone close regardless. I have to admire you settling the estate. My husband died a few years ago. His personal items are still sitting in my basement. I don’t have it quite together to sort through it all.

You are wise to take small steps at a time and assess new opportunities realistically. We are here for you when you need it!  

[zachira]

TelHill,
Thank you for your understanding and support. Settling the estate is really getting to me .The lawyer in charge has retired and she wants me and my siblings to divide up the things in my mom's house with only a list to go on. I think the lawyer's hurry to do things is more about her needs to be fully retired then the pace my siblings and I need to go. I will have to work on issues regarding the estate throughout the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, which includes being in contact with my siblings. The lawyer has already let me know that her job is to protect my brother from breaking the law, and I am sure she has heard plenty from my mother, brother, and sister about what a terrible person I am. I am always the scapegoat and take the blame for everything. I never know when someone is just going to get mad and just accuse me of all kinds of things. Since my mother died, I have been accused of elder abuse and child abuse by my brother, even though he abused my mother terribly on many occasions, and I got accused of being the abuser when I tried to stand up for her. My mother abused my brother terribly as a child and an adult, and I assume the child abuse accusation was projected onto me, because my brother can't face he was abused by both parents. I just want all my financial connections to my siblings to be cut as soon as they can be, and it is going to take time. My siblings and I own this piece of worthless land that is unsellable. I have been thinking of giving it to them, just so I don't have to pay taxes with them anymore.