Gearing up to be first holidays apart in 12 years

[calmboom]

Hurting right now.  This NC has lasted longer than I imagined based on past encounters.  After uBPD BF dysregulated in early October and said "we're broken up" while in a rage, we connected briefly by phone/text and one live visit (all positive encounters). But things have gone silent again. Him 26 days NC, Me 15 NC.  I did send one warm "thinking of you" type text 15 days ago but he did not respond.

I really thought he would reach out prior to Thanksgiving, but nothing. We've spent 12 Thanksgivings together.  It hurts. His things are still at my home.  The anxiety comes and goes.  I think I want to know what he is doing, whether he is missing me, and whether he will be back in some form.  I think I would be ok if it was a clean break but the limbo state toys with my mind.  I don't want to close the door, I still want a chance.  Being discarded and ghosted is so painful.  As if the 12 years together never existed. 

I have kept busy with work, family, & home projects but now the temptation to contact is rising.  The deadline I set for myself to take action has past.  I am not in my stronger self right now.   Would someone talk me through this?  I know he doesn't hate me, perhaps he doesn't want/can't continue the relationship.  Why won't he just wrap it up then?

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[pursuingJoy]

calmboom, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Doesn't help that it's the holidays. 

In reading your other posts, it sounds like he's ghosted you before around the same time of year, but eventually warmed up after you made efforts to reach out. This time he's taken a lot longer to respond at all.

Great job staying busy with work, family and home projects. Sounds like you've taken practical steps to take care of yourself, but I get how those feelings can creep back in and take over. Until he speaks up, it's hard to say what he's feeling or thinking. In the meantime, what are your plans for Thanksgiving if he doesn't contact you? Do you have a plan?

We are here. Keep talking, calmboom. 

pj

[calmboom]

 Its Thanksgiving eve and indeed it WAS the first holiday apart from uBPD BF in 12 years.  And it was ok.  Not a spec of drama today!   I admit being a bit expectant to hear something in text form from him saying "have a good holiday" or something like that.  But nothing, total silence.  I made it through and hosted my children and father for dinner and everything came out well.  Still I miss him.  I wonder.  But I keep moving on alone.  Maybe this is the end with him.  I will keep moving forward while awaiting something from his end. 

[pursuingJoy]

Calmboom, thanks for the update! How are you feeling a day later?

[Butane]

Not a spec of drama today! 

Still I miss him. 

I can relate to this. When my H is absent, the rest of us have a nice, peaceful time together. Any skirmishes are over quickly and there is no "drama" from misinterpreted comments, hurt feelings, escalating emotions. I dont need to put my energy towards soothing him and trying to help him manage is feelings. I don't need to be on guard "just in case" he behaves poorly.

And yet  I get this feeling of "I miss him, I wish he could be here" . It is silly, because if he were with us, it would be LESS enjoyable!

Value yourself. Create days (and a Christmas) that will bring YOU and the rest of your family happiness.

[calmboom]

Thanks PJ and Butane

I'm doing my best to stay in the moment but I'll admit that the want to contact is high.  I've run the scenarios through my mind and think I just want more information to soothe my soul.  Is he over over? Or is he taking a long detached break (like in the past)?   Do people really walk away from 12 years of pretty good relating?  I hate that the answer could be/is yes.

Either way the signs aren't good for a healthy relationship.
In the past, I was always the one to check in to see where he was at and we would recycle and come back together.  This time I am trying to wait until he emerges with some information.  (Assuming he emerges?)  

My thinking, and what I built my world around, was that he and I were a solid couple no matter what storms were around us, that we would prevail and work it through.  Our problems were minor to me, nothing that couldn't be handled with discussion and reprioritizing.  I neglected to comprehend that BPD factors would not allow this to be successful. I struggle with this daily.   Still I hope.  I wait.  I see his things around my house.  I wonder.   At what point do I release myself from this hope? Idk.  I am thankful for any wisdom here.