Just sharing my story to heal (long story) PT. 1

[SinisterComplex]

Well first and foremost I write this post as a means to share my story because I was subjected to some of the most bizarre behaviors I have personally experienced.

Some quick background, I have been married to and divorced from what you would call the standard BPD woman. That was quite an abusive relationship. However, I've already healed and moved on from that. Took quite some time, but time does truly heal all wounds and I will say to any of you that are suffering...all you truly can do is work on you and you are responsible for your own happiness. Never let anyone else dictate your happiness!

Furthermore, I have studied human behavior for quite some time and I do have a Master's in Psychology (wanted to get my Ph.D but decided against it considering it would have added far too much more debt).

Given my education and prior experience this led me to understand what I was just subjected to the past few months.

There was this woman I was very close with whom I used to work with and we became very close friends. While working together that is all there ever was. Granted, the first time we met in person when we were scheduled to work together there was an instant mutual attraction, but I knew she had a boyfriend (from phone conversations before we actually met in person) so any attraction I may have had would be quashed because my morals and values are quite strong and there are boundaries I personally would never cross such as cheating or taking someone else away from a relationship.

Anyway, So M and I developed an awesome friendship. We would talk to each other every day 5-6 hours a day in between customers while we were both working our respective stores and taking care of store tasks.

Now to explain this woman...she comes from nothing short of a tragic background. Her mother definitely has some serious issues of her own and likely has comorbid disorders. Her father committed suicide (officially). Her mother had sex with her previous boyfriends and the father's death most likely wasn't a suicide. The grandma (father's mother) talked to me about it and M herself even mentioned the circumstances surrounding her father's death and there is a high likelihood her father was murdered by one of the cops investigating the death because her mother was sleeping with the cop. I could explain all the details, but ultimately it is just extra back story that isn't necessary.

Next up, her boyfriend whom she has 2 kids with she was with on and off for 13 years. He has his own set of problems. This guy has been in and out of jail multiple times. M during the times he was locked up would have boyfriends on the side and as she said use sex to the numb the pain (one of many clues she was disturbed).

So I'm hearing about how bad her ex was and she mentioned he had a drinking problem and that he abused her, etc. But yet when he was sober he was actually a decent guy and a good father. Well here comes another point of reference she was not right. During one of their breakups she was with another guy and then she got back together with the ex and she was pregnant he questioned if it was his kid. Her daughter is his. However, the fact that was even a question was a red flag (but hey we cant always judge people based on their past despite even though past history is usually the best future predictor of behavior).

Ok, so now we will move along. This is the first time we went on hiatus. Her and I still just friends, but she was needing support because she was thinking of leaving her ex. I was just there for support. I wasn't trying to push anything more than that. They move away and she works for the same company but now in a different district. We still keep in touch, but then comes the she is going to leave and then doesn't and I go no contact on her because it was a sob story and ends up staying with him.

So we fast forward some time and she gets in contact with me on a new years eve saying Im sorry. I tell her to call me not text me. She does. We patch things up as friends for a brief time. Basically she called me because her ex got liquored up and went out and got into an accident and totaled their van. She stays with him, but as we are talking again she gets to the point where she is ready to leave again. I'm like ok I'll help you being a good friend. Well then the same old bs happens. She goes back to him, but because her grandfather fell ill and then we flame out yet again for the second time.

Move forward almost 2 years. We reconnect yet again. This time I was the one who reached out because truly I just wanted to say hey I hope things are well. And then we start up all over again.

She tells me about how her now ex works all the time and was staying out all hours of the night.

This led to the first bizarre thing. We are talking and starts asking me to go to this concert with her and I'm like where is the mention of your bf in all this? Then her story changes and she says she wants to see how I react in situations and wanted to set me up with her Aunt saying she looks like me, but the funny part about that...her Aunt is married and is lesbian and loves her partner. Then the story changes that she wanted to see how I would be with her best female friend and she was trying to play matchmaker for her. But said friend had a boyfriend. Now the whole time, I know what is at play here...this girl has been in love with me for quite some time, but obviously was always scared to admit to it which I can understand.

Ok, so move forward a little bit and she contacts me at work and tells me her now ex broke up with her. Obviously she was devastated. She immediately suspected he had been cheating which was true. Then she begins call me on the regular everyday. However, then it gets absurd to where she is calling me first thing in the morning, on her lunch break and then before bed. The worst of it all was when called me something like 20 times or more when I was at work because she was all stressed out and panicky mostly due to her mother being around helping her pack. I tell her I'm like hey I do have to work here, but I am here for you, but you are going to be ok.

So we continue talking and then we start setting up plans on what she should do. At this point, we have not crossed the threshold to sharing our feelings yet. She is asking me what to do whether she should stay or come back home and live with her grandma. I tell her it is in her best interest to move back home and be around her support network. She did not make enough to support staying where she was. So then she is like do I finish off the month where I am at or stay an extra month? I tell her move sooner. I help coordinate her planning and hell even give her tips on setting up a job for when she moves down to her grandmas so she can hit the ground running.

Now this is where the real story begins...

One night we are talking she is opening up to me telling me everything about her past and then essentially she cleverly coaxes me into opening up to her about my feelings toward her. Stupid on my part because I was still so unsure of everything. To be fair, I truly do love and care for her, but also knew she would be trouble. Anyway, she tells me her feelings and says I have been just a friend to her yada yada yada. Well lets move forward here...she then starts planning for me to come see her for birthday as I was already going to be up where she was for the weekend helping a mutual friend of ours move. As fate would have it he was a former co-worker we both worked with. She had known him for years before that too as a co-worker somewhere else. Him and I became close friends and I said I would help him move. The funny part to that story is that him and his gf moved to the area before M and her ex bf did. They were all friends too.

Anyway, I planned on doing something for her birthday already, but she was trying to see if I remembered it. Now here is something that started to nag at me...like what am I doing? Even as friends she never once reached out to wish me a happy b-day once. However, I had taken her out for dinner before on her b-day after a work meeting. Then again here I was spoiling her for her b-day. Now keep in mind we had not seen each other for almost 2 years at this point.

That's when the first huge warning siren in my head went off about how this whole situation was going to unfold. She had asked me if I had a beard? I have a goatee and always have. I just thought that was odd. Anyway, she then says hey you can stay over here on the couch since you will be getting in late. I'm like ok. I knew my buddy would be out late so I couldnt stay at his place so I chose to stay at her place not thinking anything of it.

Now she did mention she picked up the bad habit of smoking again. She knew she would have to quit for me as I am allergic. Ok, let me set the stage here even further. She tells me she has been smoking again and that she has her period that started at the beginning of the week. So in my mind I have no thoughts of anything. Besides that she just broke up with her bf with she 2 kids with who she was with all told 13 years. So all I am thinking about is having a nice night, hanging out. I'll treat her for her birthday. Well her b-day night happens and then weirdest thing I've ever had happen to me as a man happened...We were cuddling watching a movie and we lock eyes she goes all in on the kiss and tries to grab my head pull me in, etc. I pull back and say hey you are not ready for this. I don't know how to describe what I felt. Its like there was a brick wall in front of me and I felt a sense of dread. Never struggled with women...never had that happen. But I digress...

Not only that I tell her I'm like if you are going to kiss me you need to tell me if you have been smoking (obvious sign of sh*t communication). Spraying on perfume, brushing your teeth, mouthwash doesn't work. Its serious. I'll puke. Well I tried to kiss her and suffered for it. I was coughing and hacking up a lung all night. We talk the next morning she was like I thought of trying to come check on you, but she didn't and I was like why not? But anyway, moving on.

The next day follows and I go over to my buddy's to help him move. Of course she calls me and we setup plans for later. She was going to some festival with co-workers while I was helping my friend move and we would meet up later. So we go out that night I take her to dinner (mexican food...this will be important for later, and I let her pick). She is in a depressed mood and of course I am doing my best to cheer her up. This was always the case because I am a positive guy who loves life. She would always mention that her ex would try to bring her down while I would try to bring her up. We have a nice dinner and its like she isn't there. That kinda sucked.

Fast forward. She orders a big trampoline and has it sent to her apt. The plan was to put it up in her grandma's back yard. Well the plan was for me to come up to her place put the trampoline boxes in my truck and follow her down to her grandmas as she had the kids. Now keep in mind her kids have already met me previously and her now 12 year old son remembered me. Her daughter I was already spending more time with (that little girl clung to me and she was my little princess). This was my biggest issue here is that she stupidly let her ex have custody of her 12 year old son and she kept her daughter. I'm like that makes no kind of sense. Splitting up your kids is never a good idea. But whatever, my opinion is of no consequence on the matter.

Anyway, we get to grandmas. First she has me pull the ride on lawnmower out of the shed and she is going to mow the lawn. Next, we put the trampoline together. Now a point I make here...I was pissed she had me get up early this day because the night before I put myself through a hellish workout because I needed stress relief and working out is my sanctuary. So Im on like 3-4 hours sleep and sore from my workout...I wasn't happy, but I sucked it up. Well I pulled the kids together and we put the trampoline together as a family. She then makes the comment you are turning my tribe against me and gave me the oddest cold stare Ive seen. Its like am I supposed to apologize that your grandma likes me and that your kids love me?

We move onto what was essentially the weekend everything essentially fell apart. The move. To say it was a nightmare that could only be made in hell would be an understatement. So the plan was to have the U-Haul for 10 in the morning or no later than 12 pm. Yeah that didnt happen. She didnt plan that out right at all. We didnt get the U-haul until 6 at night. Additionally, the week leading up to the move I am told everything would be packed and ready to go. Um, yeah not even close. It was an absolute dumspter fire. The first big issue I had is that she had her 7 year old daughter with her. Her daughter should have already been down at Grandmas or had her ex take her. But, its ok I soldiered through and kept an eye on her little girl. I loved that girl and all she wanted to do was be by my side and help me move stuff. It was cute. Even if she was in the way. Our mutual friend came over to help move so I had help and came into the apt and he was like yeah I am going to go hide down in the back of the u-haul and pack it because I am going to lose my sh*t after seeing nothing was prepared. Anyway, while moving I had her daughter come give me a hug and I talked to her and said hey do me a favor...go sit on the hammock and keep the door open so I can see you. She does. She keeps talking to me while I am moving stuff. M starts freaking out thinking her daughter ran off and I'm like no she is right there on the hammock. I have it covered. No worries. We continue to move stuff. And then I just brewing anger because there was always more stuff to move. I mean it was so bad. So as we are getting to moving half way through M starts panicking and this is the first time I truly realized what I may be dealing with and it touched my heart actually. Hell my heart broke in that instant but I couldn't show it. She was frantic and kept grabbing my arm and asking me is this the worst move you've ever seen. Is this the worst? And her eyes darting all over and the look she was giving me was that of a lost little girl. Even typing this I almost want to cry. I understood how much pain was there. Honestly it hit me like a ton of bricks.

End of part 1...Part 2 to follow.

[SinisterComplex]

Part 2.

The move as I have described was horrible. It was also then where I got to see what I couldn't quite put my finger on and gave me the sense I wasn't dealing with a normal woman. I don't mean that in an offensive manner at all.

In retrospect I wish I could have grabbed her and pulled her close and told her everything was going to be ok. I was so frustrated though and it was so damn hot and humid I wasn't able to think clearly.

Anyway, we get the u-haul loaded up. We get her vehicle loaded onto the trailer. My friend drives the U-haul. M and her daughter ride with me in my truck. We start the trek to her grandma's late into the night and grandma's house is an hour and 30 minutes away.

This is where this starts getting brutal. In my truck on the way home she tells me she is emotionally unavailable. Obviously it kinda struck me, but I was like hey I understand...I'm not forcing or pressuring anything here. As we continue to talk she mentions she talked to her best friend she was going to have to prepare to have sex with someone else and I'm like hey calm down. I am not forcing anything here because I want us to work and sex too soon would mess everything up and I've already been through divorce and plenty of failed relationships where sex too soon screwed it up. An important point I am 5 years older than she is. I'm 36, she is 31.

We get down to her grandmas. We drop off her vehicle. She takes her daughter into Grandma's house. We drive off to the Storage unit. We get to the storage unit and lo and behold the storage unit closes by 10pm. Obviously my friend flips sh*t and I am just stuck laughing like you have to be kidding me. Its like everything that could go wrong was going wrong. Its almost comical. So we take the U-haul back to Grandmas. I tell her game of thrones style at least for the night my watch has ended because I have to get our friend back up to his place (an hour and 30 minutes away). I tell her I will come back down the next day to help unload the U-haul and that we will drive back up to her apt to get everything else we can and stuff my truck full.

The next day comes...I drive down and she enlists essentially her whole family to come and help unload the U-Haul.

It starts pouring down rain and it is incredibly hot and humid now. Obviously I'm just like grrr...how in the hell am I holding myself together. Anyway, we get through moving everything. I tell her I need to stop and take a shower before we head back up to her old apt. She gets all nervous because I am going to stop at my mom's. Its like come on its not a big deal...you essentially forced me to meet your whole family (and not only that she had introduced me to her grandfather before he passed away). I was like hey for one its only fair, for 2 I am not driving being all sweaty and nasty straight back to her old apt. I wanted to feel clean and comfortable. So she came in. Was only about a 30 minute stop. We head back up to her old apt.

We get back there and then seeing in the daylight how much more was there I was like are you effing kidding me? How is this possible? I mean she didn't pack or have any of the food ready from her refrigerator. She didn't have the kitchen ready to go. I mean oh good god how I didn't blow my top I'll never know. For her sake I kept my cool though. I will share that yes I am not exactly just an easy-going pushover type. I have an explosive and intense temper, but through all of that I never once lost it. She needed me to be calm and cool. She needed my strength so I got over my anger, frustration and sucked it up because at the end of the day its what I do and she was already going through so much. My word is my bond. My honor, integrity, values mean everything to me.

Well anyway, I told her to be my time keeper and said we need to leave by 8pm so we could get down to the storage unit in time to open the door. We get everything packed up and I tell her to call her ex and say hey if he wants the food out of the fridge or anything else he can come get it. We have to go and you are done up here. We make our way down. Unload my truck I take her back home.

So now she is officially at Grandma's.

We see each other a couple of times as I come down from my place which is 35 minutes away. Simple small dates that included her daughter which I was ok with. Then we make plans for the 4th of July and essentially this is where the story just gets bad from here on out and the oddest behaviors took place and where she essentially plunged the damocles sword directly through my heart.

4th of July I get done with work early. We already had plans in place of where we were going. I get home she flip flops and says lets go somewhere else. I'm like fine. She is in a mood because her ex was arguing with her on the phone all day. I start getting ready and lo and behold my pants rip and I'm like crap. Now I have to throw some scrubs. Not ideal. Anyway, I pick her up and her daughter. Her daughter sits in between us in my truck. We are on our way to watch fireworks. She is in a mood and she is arguing with her ex on the phone and I'm like M no we are not doing in this in front of your daughter. So I'm paying attention to her and trying to calm her down. I get pulled over for speeding (which I got a warning for, no ticket). This is when I saw the craziest thing...its like she disappeared right before my very eyes.

The lights were on, but no one was home. It was honestly haunting. She was there physically in front of me, but she wasn't there with me. Anyway, after that we continued on and went and seen the fireworks. Horribly hot humid day nonetheless so I was never comfortable. Anyway, we are walking and her daughter was bouncing back and forth between holding my hand and her mom's hand and then both of ours. And the cutest thing saying she didn't want anything to happen to me because of the cop pulling me over. Her little girl truly adored me.

So we get done with fireworks and we head back to her home. We stop off to get something to eat. Then she tells me she doesn't know what she wants. She also mentioned she was going to a concert with "a friend" the next day. Of course, what happens...she goes to the concert with said friend and then I do not here from her for 2 days. She tells me said friend tried to kiss her. Yep. It was truly over at the point.

Now begins the constant hot and cold. We did have a conversation where she pours her heart out saying she doesnt want to lose me and I tell her look I am not rebound guy. If we are doing this you need to figure your sh*t out. Then she is crying because pandora's box is already opened. I'm like are you kidding me? We are not teenagers. Its like hey you are not ready for me. I was fine with that, but I told her you want me in your life we are not doing this bs where you are talking with me about other men and I will focus on my own sh*t.

So we continue to stay in contact and oh my lord how odd the behaviors were. So one night she calls me at 2am and I'm like WTF? She tells some bizarre story and that she had to go pick up her drunk friend from a bar at 2am with her 7 year old daughter in the car. The story was about some car being in front of her grandmas house and the cops got called and she was out in the street talking to the neighbor about it and blah blah and the whole time I'm like wow this is a fantastical story if I ever heard one. But point being she takes her 7 year old daughter out with her to pick up some drunk guy at 2am. Great parenting. But where this story was haunting to me was the oddest thing I've ever heard. She said that she was sorry in the oddest voice I've ever heard. I'll never forget it. It was like half whispering/half-talking.

Next, there is a conversation where she calls me from dude's house. And I ask her where she is at...at a friends. Then we move forward. I get this call where she is crying and acting rather unstable. She tells me she has been drinking far too much. Then she is having a fight with her mother as usual as they are arguing which school to put her daughter in. She starts breaking down on the phone telling me she wants to put a gun in her mouth and blow her brains out and I immediately calm her down and tell her I don't ever want to hear that nonsense out of her mouth ever again. Now considering the back story of her father's death this was definitely something I took a lot more seriously.

She tells me she is this responsible woman and she isn't this person. Now of course, my first thought actually that is true, but because she is with this clown she is mirroring his behaviors.

We move along to another conversation and she tells me she has been going out night fishing alone...seriously not buying that one bit. Dude goes fishing. I mean seriously the lies are really piling on now.

Move forward some time again. She is sad again and telling me she really believed her was the one that it was forever. And the famous when I love I love hard. I also should point out there were various points she said she was turning over a new leaf.

Additionally, I don't think I've ever seen a woman change her behaviors or hair color as many times as she has...massive identity problems (a common theme with her was always I don't know what I want or would answer I don't know).

So some time goes by and she asks when my birthday is and I'm like you don't remember? She tells me there is a reason why I am asking so I tell her. Moving forward now she tells me she is moving into her own 1 bedroom apartment. She can't stand living at Grandma's. So she has been staying at her friend's. I'm just like ok when are you going to be honest with me.

My buddy calls me one night and he is like when is the last time you heard from M. I'm like why? He tells me talked to his ex who spoke with M and she said that her family hated the new she was dating. I ask oh yeah and thats when he fills me in on what I suspected the entire time...she was dating this dude who kissed her at the concert.

Funny thing, she calls me the next night and mentions my buddy and I play dumb on purpose. At this point I am just trying to be her friend and I am not doing this drama scene.

We move forward again...she has been taking this dude with her to see her son's football games. Of course still can't be honest with me about it.

She is now moved in. Still calling me and always has to hear my voice before she goes to bed. Fell asleep half time while talking to me. She asks me to do lunch sometime. Telling me she wants to cook for me and this and that and I tell her to not set expectations she cannot keep. Do not put pressure on yourself. Anyway, Kinda odd timing since she never reached out to ever pay me for my gas for the move or take me out to treat me to show me any appreciation. I agree because I'm like whatever its something and its a gesture. She tells me I'm the planner and yada yada yada and then it comes to the day and she takes me to a Mexican restaurant. I was a bit disappointed. She picked up on it and she is like you like Mexican right? Its not that I don't its just nothing something I go out of my way for. The food was good and the thought is what counts, but how she made it seem was she paying attention and I was expecting something I'm really into. Mexican food is her thing.

We talk at the restaurant and she makes a comment about going to a concert and I shoot daggers through her and she is like what is that and I bring up the concert scenario. She is like but I told you about that. I'm like it doesn't change the fact that it hurt. At this point, her eyes are bouncing all frantically. She orders a drink. I'm thinking to myself the girl I know is long gone. Anyway, we get back to her place she tells me she has to pick her kid up from school and that her best female friend was bringing over the trampoline stuff to her place. Sadly, she didn't understand how big of a lie that was...her female friend doesn't have a driver's license and doesn't have a vehicle. So obviously it was dude. I wanted to say good bye at that point, but I couldn't. Stupid me.

Fast forward...my birthday comes and least I get a sweet funny text. She calls me later on that night, but like late after leaving the bar. Obviously I know she was with dude. I mean seriously...wow. Why even call me. However, all her pumping up expectations...yep I got nothing. Well here comes the brutal dagger..

We move forward 12 days from that point which would be the last time we ever speak to each other and hear each other's voices on the phone. She calls around her usual time after getting done with work. In the conversation we are talking about dating and other things. She mentions yeah my grandma asked about you and Im like oh yeah? The conversation continues and then her daughter asks mommy who is that...she tells her daughter who it is and she asks her daughter do you remember him? He is the one who helped put up your trampoline. Yeah mommy I remember him. I like him. When am I going to see him again. The conversation ends just shortly after as she tells me she will call me back after putting her daughter to bed.

That call never happened. I text her the next day to quit the bread crumb bs and say hey if you are going to call me back then do it or just say i will ttyl. I told her to work on that and said hey I will meet you half way and work on opening up and letting her in more. 8 days go by as I don't hear from her. I text her while at work telling everything going on. Things haven't been good. My best friend's mom is on her death bed about to die from cancer, my uncle has been given a terminal diagnosis, my store is closing and I am getting relocated to another location. I tell her my best friend and I say F*ck 2019! She texts back she agrees. I think yeah probably because of her breakup and that stuff. She calls me while she is on break. Asks me how I am and she just sounds off. She knew what was about to happen. A guest comes in my store and I tell her I'll call her back. I get busy and I text her I'll call her when I get done. I call and she doesn't pick up. The next day about midway through my day my buddy who knows both of us text me she went facebook official with that guy who kissed her at the concert.

I text her We are done completely this time. I told her hey you wanted to push me away. Mission accomplished. Her final response was saying she made the choice she wanted not the choice she felt obligated to make...are you effing kidding me? Saying she knew I wouldn't be her friend and that I would be done. Blaming me for saying I was always cool with waiting on us...which yes that was true. Being setup and lied to, and essentially used and abused blew that up though. I told her I understood her ex more when he said to his son see this how your mom is (when they had to separate their accounts the ex was fishing for answers about me. Asking about a piece of his clothing and said I bet your bf stole it. The son replied no dad he is too big, he said my name and that he liked me). Her response to that was playing victim saying that justified him putting his hands on her, etc. My point was that she is emotionally abusive and that is why her ex would make that statement and that is one of the reasons I did not move forward with her.

[SinisterComplex]

Now to recap.

Now from my previous divorce experience and my education I do believe I was dealing with an undiagnosed Quiet BPD woman.

Was I hurt from everything that happened. Perhaps the worst pain I've ever felt. Including how my ex wife treated me. The lying and betrayal were so deep and the lack of appreciation, reciprocity, and respect on her part were and are mind boggling. I mean when someone tells you they can't picture life without you or imagine a world where you don't exist, or I couldn't have done this without you and then that last phone call before everything got blown up...yeah that will sting for a while. I didn't just lose a potential mate, but I lost what I thought was a great friend. I'm still puzzled how it unfolded because she always had my back in the past and was there for me.

I do not have hate for her though. Honestly I am mad at the monster inside her. I am mad that she never got a fair chance to have a normal childhood. I am mad that her purity and innocence were essentially ruined.

I do not believe she is a bad person. No, sadly she is broken. She is a lost little girl in a woman's body. In truth, I hope she someday gets help.

Would I give her another chance? Probably not and I say probably because I would offer its that in order to have me in her life she would have to prove everything with action and get therapy and that will not happen so I am comfortable being done for good while at least wishing her the best and forgiving her for she knows not what she does. I will love her from a distance and care about her from a distance. I honestly hope that some day she actually levels out because she really can be an awesome person.

So here are the check offs...

-Highly impulsive (spending, sex, alcohol, etc)
-Identity disturbance
-Dissociation
-Fears of abandonment (talking about how the men her life leave like her father, grandfather, her ex, etc...count me to the list)
-Emotional abnesia
-Self-sabotaging behavior
-Lots of self blame (she would always say she was the worst)
-Complete lack of object constancy (forgetting how well I knew her and how much she told me and actually how she felt about me until seeing me look at her again).

The crazy parts to this story is that there were numerous warning signs and red flags and while I still ended up getting hurt it could have ended up much worse. I did keep myself at a distance because of knowing her past. Using sex to numb the pain. On again, off again relationship with the ex. Questions about who the father of the second child was.

As funny as it sounds it definitely is something that wasn't meant to be. So many road blocks were in the way. Her daughter even saying a strange thing when we were at the gas station about dad complaining about her spending. Also her daughter loved to sing let it go from frozen in my ear to drive me nuts. I will miss that little girl. Many people like to play the what if game. I can honestly say after this scenario that will never be the case for me. I have no regrets because I felt like our business is concluded. I had my suspicions about her, but I couldn't know until I was in the fire with her so to speak

Additionally, I do remember back in our days of truly just being friends at work she asked me if she was crazy. I told her no you are not crazy. Yes you have a horrifying background, but that doesn't mean you are crazy.

Glad I got all of this off my chest.

To all of you if you check in on my story...thanks for letting me share with you. Thanks for being there. Hopefully my story can also provide solace to some of you as well. Don't hate the person. No, hate the beast of a disorder. 

[Hidden Dragon]

...
Was I hurt from everything that happened. Perhaps the worst pain I've ever felt.
...
I do not have hate for her though. Honestly I am mad at the monster inside her. I am mad that she never got a fair chance to have a normal childhood. I am mad that her purity and innocence were essentially ruined.

I do not believe she is a bad person. No, sadly she is broken. She is a lost little girl in a woman's body. In truth, I hope she someday gets help.

Would I give her another chance? Probably not and I say probably because I would offer its that in order to have me in her life she would have to prove everything with action and get therapy and that will not happen so I am comfortable being done for good while at least wishing her the best and forgiving her for she knows not what she does. I will love her from a distance and care about her from a distance. I honestly hope that some day she actually levels out because she really can be an awesome person.

So here are the check offs...

-Highly impulsive (spending, sex, alcohol, etc)
-Identity disturbance
-Dissociation
-Fears of abandonment (talking about how the men her life leave like her father, grandfather, her ex, etc...count me to the list)
-Emotional abnesia
-Self-sabotaging behavior
-Lots of self blame (she would always say she was the worst)
-Complete lack of object constancy (forgetting how well I knew her and how much she told me and actually how she felt about me until seeing me look at her again).

...
To all of you if you check in on my story...thanks for letting me share with you. Thanks for being there. Hopefully my story can also provide solace to some of you as well. Don't hate the person. No, hate the beast of a disorder.  

You are not alone brother. My ex fiancee was cutiest, funniest, animal loving girl I ever met. With beautiful art skills, her home was covered with self made details. Amazing cooking on top of that.
For me sex wasnt the no1 quality in her, she was much, much more than that.

She had ALL check offs you mentioned. Her emotional intelligence was very low, she had massive problems with understanding others emotions and emotional consequences of her deeds. She was accusing, raging, dissociated and did drugs. (Not the quiet type)

New haircuts included...

I love her from distance now. What I learned, is that, now I must love myself so much as I loved her.

This self love practice is for me equally hard (yes I am the nice guy with FOO issues, trained to deliver) as that, that I know she has severe issues which makes me very, very, very sad. Its like the fiancee suddenly got cancer diagnosis...

I am in no contact because even thinking that she (or her new she) is (or could be) with someone else, hurts me.

Ofc Im in NC also for myself. No other option anyway, Im painted black bc I was the one who threatened with leaving, and it escalated quickly...

[SinisterComplex]

HD, the most important thing to understand is that your story was essentially already written out how it was going to end. Do not worry about her being with someone else. Honestly, focus on what you will gain not what you lost. She was not the end all be all and no one is. Take the time to discover what your passion is man. This whole process for me awakened me to something that has been missing for quite some time. I love to write (that should be abundantly clear at this point...LOL). I also enjoy gaining and sharing knowledge. I may be highly educated, but what good is having knowledge if you don't use it and share it to make the world a better place. Even if I only reach one person and manage to impact just one person's life for the better than it is all worth it. 

In my case, it is the same thing. With M and I it was the rule of Karma. We were on our 3rd go round and she had the opportunity to take the different path in the fork in the road, but she took the same road she always has. I myself on the other hand actually made the right decision this time around and took the other path. I attribute that to life experience and learning from my past mistakes and learning to overcome my impulses. I did not have sex with her. I pulled back and yes I still got hurt, but ultimately its not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I come out the victor in this scenario and I am proud of myself for not letting my impulses or letting my other head do the thinking for me.

My pain has had more to do with everything else going on around me. It has been a rough year. She was essentially just the straw that broke the camel's back. She served as a catalyst for me. In truth, my life has gotten better and I am getting back on track ever since she has been removed from my life. We served our purposes to each other. 

I am an INFJ MBTI type albeit I would still argue I am a hybrid cross with an INTJ as well because in the social hiearchy I would classify as a Sigma Male, but the reason I mention that is that my personality type is notorious for the infamous door slam. Essentially when I slam the door shut on someone it is final and I do not have any regrets and that trait has served me well. If someone is willing to betray you once they will do it again. Have forgiveness for them and yourself, but cut your losses and move on.

Sometimes we take for granted how good life was/is without the bpd person. I prefer my life to be peaceful and tranquil. I get tired of drama and chaos real fast so honestly I am happy with moving on and looking toward the future.

Cheers!