Why does she still hate me?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello, I'm new here.

So for me not to make a very, very long post I'll be more straightforward and leave out some details such as how was my relationship with this girl diagnosed with bpd and how was its end. She didn't cheat on me while she was with me, there was no bankrupt or smear campaign after we broke up (from what I know), the only similar behaviors she had/has with other pwBPD is the classic BPD (the symptoms) we already know coming from a high functioning person with the disorder so let's not make comparisons here.

Now, it's been two years since we broke up, I don't love her anymore and I guess I never did, but there's something about her apparent hate towards me that bothers me. We had no contact since then and we're not even friendly with each other when we're hanging out at the same place. She has no interest in being my friend and recently I did try to reach out to see if things had cooled down and we could start trying not to be complete strangers to each other anymore since there's no more romantic feelings involved (she dated someone after me, broke up with her and now is with another girl, makes sense right?), but I got nothing but coldness from her, bitterness, hate, I don't know. It's not indifference that's very clear, she simply doesn't like me and acts like she still holding some grudges.

The funny part is that from what I know she's not like that with most of her exes (or all of them I dare to say), she remains friends with them and doesn't unfollow them on social media but with me things are different, she cut all ties since from the beginning and never showed any interest in remain friends. It does have the potential to get on my nerves. It shouldn't, I know. But I keep wondering why, anyway. Why she STILL acts like this with me (and only with me it seems) after all this time. What's the reason, really? I'll never know, I guess.

*sighs*

I wish I could forget her completely too and not hold any grudges, it's been two years and I'm still here. Writing this post. And I don't even like her romantically anymore or in any other way for that matter. It's ridiculous.

[pamela1]

Hello, I'm new here.

So for me not to make a very, very long post I'll be more straightforward and leave out some details such as how was my relationship with this girl diagnosed with bpd and how was its end. She didn't cheat on me while she was with me, there was no bankrupt or smear campaign after we broke up (from what I know), the only similar behaviors she had/has with other pwBPD is the classic BPD (the symptoms) we already know coming from a high functioning person with the disorder so let's not make comparisons here.

Now, it's been two years since we broke up, I don't love her anymore and I guess I never did, but there's something about her apparent hate towards me that bothers me. We had no contact since then and we're not even friendly with each other when we're hanging out at the same place. She has no interest in being my friend and recently I did try to reach out to see if things had cooled down and we could start trying not to be complete strangers to each other anymore since there's no more romantic feelings involved (she dated someone after me, broke up with her and now is with another girl, makes sense right?), but I got nothing but coldness from her, bitterness, hate, I don't know. It's not indifference that's very clear, she simply doesn't like me and acts like she still holding some grudges.

The funny part is that from what I know she's not like that with most of her exes (or all of them I dare to say), she remains friends with them and doesn't unfollow them on social media but with me things are different, she cut all ties since from the beginning and never showed any interest in remain friends. It does have the potential to get on my nerves. It shouldn't, I know. But I keep wondering why, anyway. Why she STILL acts like this with me (and only with me it seems) after all this time. What's the reason, really? I'll never know, I guess.

*sighs*

I wish I could forget her completely too and not hold any grudges, it's been two years and I'm still here. Writing this post. And I don't even like her romantically anymore or in any other way for that matter. It's ridiculous.

[SinisterComplex]

So it does take time and its not ridiculous. Quit beating yourself up about it. Honestly cutting off toxic people is a good thing. Not a bad thing. You cut your losses and move on. You are letting her control you still in a sense. You only control YOU. You don't like being disliked. Honestly no one does. However, you cannot please everyone. Not to be mean, but yes you did love her otherwise this wouldn't bother you like this. Its ok. The most important thing for you to do to move on...forgive her and most importantly forgive yourself. You are holding on for no good reason. You are holding yourself back from truly healing and growing. Just be real with yourself and live your life. Life is too short to worry about these things. Perhaps you still have a lesson to learn that you are not allowing yourself to learn here. Do not let someone who shows you hate have any power over you. Control what is in your control and let what is out of your control be what it is going to be. Keep your head up, heart open and enjoy living life. Seriously don't take the words for granted.

Cheers! 

[pamela1]

You are letting her control you still in a sense. You only control YOU. You don't like being disliked.

I wouldn't be surprised if that was the only thing keeping me from truly heal and move on for good. Being disliked by her is almost like a challenge, makes me clench my jaw hard all the time it occurs to me especially when it seems like something personal. But as you said I cannot please everyone. It just happens.

Yes, I did like her but I don't think it was love not really. It doesn't sound like love to me, more like emotional dependency for sure. But I will try harder to focus only on myself now and move on. As you said I am the only one letting her control me and worst because of stupid things.

Thank you for your words!

[Rev]

But I will try harder to focus only on myself now and move on. As you said I am the only one letting her control me and worst because of stupid things.

Can I just tweak this a little?  When you say "stupid" I assume you mean "things that otherwise wouldn't matter to you if they weren't connected to her"?  Is that right?

And when you say "try harder" I assume you mean put more raw effort into changing your thoughts as in finding more "will power"?  Is that right?

Have you considered that maybe you might consider imaging for yourself (not imagining - but imaging - imaging is more concrete, more immediate) who you might be tomorrow to be less like the guy who worries about those "stupid things?

My guess is that when people seize on "stupid things" after two years - it's because they've been focussing their efforts in the wrong place.  What in your life would you dearly love to spend time doing - but have not because you've been ruminating?  Is there anything?  Are you giving yourself permission to move into those things?  All this is part of the a grief process.  I think that grief is not about "moving on" but rather "growing into" new habits, new surroundings as a result of the pain of loss. It's not so much to run away from something hurtful, but rather living into a new sense of self-awareness.

For example, one person I know does not have a television at home now. Why? Because he was determined to have more time for himself when the chaos of his BPD relationship ended. It was a silver-lining to a painful ending. Now... there are all kinds of new things that are popping up because he doesn't vegetate in front of the TV to zone out.

Just a thought.

Rev

[once removed]

I wouldn't be surprised if that was the only thing keeping me from truly heal and move on for good. Being disliked by her is almost like a challenge, makes me clench my jaw hard all the time it occurs to me especially when it seems like something personal. But as you said I cannot please everyone. It just happens.

it is unpleasant to be disliked by anyone. certainly more so for a former romantic partner, with whom you have intimate memories. its unsettling. how much better it would feel just to be on good terms; "im okay, youre okay".

my ex and i had what started as an amicable breakup, but derailed into pretty bad blood, for reasons im not exactly certain of, but i think there were some misunderstandings when it came to how we were reading each other after the breakup.

we were friends for three years, and together for just shy of three. after the phone call where we broke up, we never directly spoke again. that was difficult...she was an important person in my life for a very long time.

she indirectly reached out twice. she sent a facebook friend request, and would retract it a couple of hours later. i think that she wanted to be on good terms, but was afraid that i hated her, was afraid that i would lash out at her. maybe she still believes that.

if she reached out today, i wouldnt have any problem speaking to her. but its water under the bridge. its now in the past, and i dont see any reason to change that...she probably doesnt either, anymore.

but learning to accept all of that, and live with it, was one of the more difficult things ive ever done, and if youd told me at the time that id feel the way i do today, i wouldnt have believed you.

maybe your ex feels that things are better left in the past. maybe she does hold a grudge and needs more. its hard to say.

its uncomfortable to sit with, either way.

I'll be more straightforward and leave out some details such as how was my relationship with this girl

do you want to say more about this, or how the breakup went down? it might give us better insight into where she might be at with all of this.

[pamela1]

but learning to accept all of that, and live with it, was one of the more difficult things ive ever done, and if youd told me at the time that id feel the way i do today, i wouldnt have believed you.

maybe your ex feels that things are better left in the past. maybe she does hold a grudge and needs more. its hard to say.

its uncomfortable to sit with, either way.

Totally uncomfortable, indeed.

do you want to say more about this, or how the breakup went down? it might give us better insight into where she might be at with all of this.

Not much. You know what they say what happens when you confront a pwbpd about their behavior. I did it, for the first and the last time I told her what her behavior was causing in me, in us and our relationship. It triggered something in her because then she was devastated and came to the conclusion everything she thought was true was in fact a lie, maybe she was right but I still think she misunderstood everything because that's what it felt for her according to what she was feeling at the time but to me on the other hand I just wanted to communicate and "fix things". A few days went by, she switched her feelings off and in the end she decided it was best for us to break up. I just agreed, I already knew it was coming and there was nothing for me to do if it was her decision. I know she wanted me to fight for her (or not) but that's not how things work.