Healing at the speed of a turtle, still miss her

[crushedagain]

I don't know why, after 2 years, I still hurt and miss her. I suppose much of it is my constitution - some people can move on from a relationship in mere weeks or months, but not me.

I still have daydreams that she will contact me, perhaps to see how I am or even apologize for leaving me under the guise of a vacation. But I know this is fantasy. After such a lengthy period, she's not going to do such a thing as that. In fact, if I had to guess I'd bet she was in a new relationship quickly. Heck, she may have been in 2 or 3 by this time. I'm a distant memory.

I wish I didn't even think about her anymore, but I do. I still wake up in my bed that she slept in for nearly 2 years, thinking of her. It's very difficult to lose a loved one, but this one hurts that much more. That's about all I have. Thanks for reading.

[Steps31]

I feel you, crushedagain

This is my first time posting under the Detaching board. To me, it definitely feels like mourning someone.
In playing out the scenarios though, I see that this was the inevitable outcome. I believe that she is incapable of having a healthy attachment relationship. I don't blame her, but thank her for the good memories, and hope she is doing well.

Even is she is with someone new, don't think that it's any better or healthier than what you had, no matter what they may portray.

The person who I imagined being with me for life, being cool and accepting of my love is just a fantasy (like you said).

[SinisterComplex]

crushedagain. Its ok. Ive been through hell myself. The only thing I can say is that the disorder is a monster. My ex wife destroyed me, but I bounced back just fine because ultimately I get sick of being weak and I just nut up and push through because the only person who lives your life is you. This last go round I had with someone whom I cared about very deeply crushed me. But here I am a month later and realizing everything will be just fine. I acknowledge that she will never be a part of my life again, but that I do not hate her, I hate her disorder, her behaviors, and upbringing. Ultimately she served as a catalyst and she did serve her purpose. She opened me up to the idea of love again. She served as a frame of reference of something I didn't know I really wanted...a family of my own. As time goes on I will not miss her and I will not hurt anymore. This will become the same for you. Focus on what you gain. Not what you lose or lost.

I guess the most important thing I can say is for you to have the mindset that you are enough all by yourself. That you are complete on your own, but hey if someone adds to your life and enhances it...awesome. But focus on building YOU. Enjoy being YOU. You do not need someone to complete you.

Cheers!

[once removed]

I suppose much of it is my constitution - some people can move on from a relationship in mere weeks or months, but not me.

if it helps, i struggle similarly. i always had a hard time with breakups, and took much longer to recover from breakups. i once spent about six months agonizing over a three week or so relationship. i often have difficulty adjusting to major life changes, in general.

I still have daydreams that she will contact me, perhaps to see how I am or even apologize for leaving me under the guise of a vacation.

what would it mean to you if this happened? how would you respond?

[LilMe]

Me too    I have been gone 3 1/2 years and have 2x weekly contact for our child exchange. It is finally getting a little easier, but I miss him every day. It hurts that he has a new girlfriend and I am alone.  It would be easier if I didn't have to see him and we didn't have children together.

[crushedagain]

Thank you for all the replies.

what would it mean to you if this happened? how would you respond?

It's strange because I don't even know how I would respond. I would probably be kind and cordial because that's the kind of person I am. But I have to be honest that there's some anger inside of me about what she did, and I feel I'd want to vent some of that. Not in a cruel way, but an honest way. I am sure she knows, though, which is probably part of why she will never contact me.

It has taken me a long time to try to resolve all of my feelings about what happened, to try to lose my love for her and process the relationship. It left my head spinning. It also had a very negative impact on my overall health.

I firmly believe now that she wanted me to beg her to come back because that's what would have made her feel loved. I think that when I didn't respond that way after she left she concluded that I did not love her or something. In essence, her plan backfired because it just drove me away. I was protecting myself and pulling away because in my mind I realized she was gone and I had to start mourning. I think if I would have pulled out all the stops and begged her back she would have come. But that's not the kind of person or relationship I'm interested in. Somebody who can pull up stakes and just leave over nothing or even a minor disagreement is not a match for me.

[SinisterComplex]

Crushedagain...now you are putting your mind toward the right direction. Be happy you didn't pull out all the stops or act out of desperation.

Do not worry about any what ifs. The ending that happened was always going to be the end. If you would have tried to draw her back in than your life would be in a much worse place.

Live drama free and chaos free and if someone takes you for granted and doesn't respect you then you tell them to go kick rocks. Cutting people off isn't a bad thing provided your intentions are pure and clear. This is your life to live. Do no let others bring you down. Only allow those in who want to support you and enhance your life. You will be surprised at how much life gets better when you punt the negative elements out of your life. So do not look back. Look forward and move forward!

Cheers and best wishes to you!

[crushedagain]

Thanks for the comments, SC. I know that the relationship was unsustainable just based upon the fact that, while I'm not perfect, there wasn't much more I really could have done. Sure, I had some slip ups here and there, but I realize that no matter how I acted it was always going to end. All of her relationships will end.

I am middle-aged now, and life is much different for me. I have had to cut out a few toxic people in my life, the main one being a childhood friend who is a full-blown narcissist and whose company I realized was no longer enjoyable. It was difficult. Not because I was torn, but because of the pressure he continued to put on me to try to go against my own wishes. I have not seen him in almost 7 years, but he still continues to try to reenlist me. I have no interest.

What I have learned about myself is that my childhood family dynamic is what is responsible for me making some poor choices when it came to friends and girlfriends (mainly this last one - I had good luck before). My oldest sister is a narcissist, and my own mother had some sort of Cluster B disorder going on, what I do not know.

[blueblue12]

Hey CA great message from SC there, so clearly explaining the fact that she actually did you a big favour and that thankfully you stood your ground and didn’t resort to trying at all costs to ‘fix things’ as they can’t be fixed. As SC states you would have arrived at a more damaging scenario. I have a similar experience in terms of realising that in these situations there is no turning back. There is nothing good there and if a restart is applied the relationship will just keep getting destroyed.

Take care and move forward, one step at a time. For some of us it takes a while, but as I have experienced, eventually you see the light and then you wonder why did I put up with such behaviours and for so long? A mistake, it was never meant to be and you just could not fix anything. It was always going to be destroyed. And I had red flags from the start when she told me one day “people with my background sabotage good things.” At the time I had no idea what she actually meant by that. There you go. Take care, look after yourself.

[crushedagain]

Thank you. The memories are still painful, though it's become much more tolerable. I actually wake up many days where she is not the first thing on my mind. I haven't gotten to the point where I have gone a whole day without thinking about her. I think that will be a big milestone for me. It takes so much time for all of this to fade away.

Even though I know she is not a good person for me, that there would never be a chance for a lasting relationship with her even if she wanted it, I still suffered from those silly worries that the longer time went on without contact with her, the less likely the odds of ever rekindling would be. But I realize I can't rekindle with her. Even if she pushed for it I can't do that to myself. I would have to be honest with her and tell her I'm sorry, there's just no way. I could never trust her again. Ever. She's a liar and, probably, a cheater. I was left with so many unanswered questions, most of which I probably don't even want the answers to.

[blueblue12]

Hey CA, it will get better with time. That’s how I have dealt with it. Time. I still think about her but nowadays in different terms. And I am not at all desperate to see her these days let alone trying to restart. I can’t see that ever happening. And you know what? It feels good now.

You will get there and you will see things so differently. Like you are beginning to understand already that even if it starts again there would be many issues that you would not resolve, ever. And the unanswered questions, I am afraid they will remain. My ex destroyed everything then came back pleading but I didn’t get any answers as to the why it all happened. The most I got was “things were out of control at the time” and what does that mean? I still don’t know!

If someone treats you badly once, what guarantees will you have that it won’t happen again? None. Someone wrote to me once the following, which is relevant advice: “If you have any doubt in any future relationship perhaps the best test would be, what would you tell your son, or a close friend, if he told you a woman was treating him like that?”

Take care.

[SirGray]

You can't speed up time but you can check your own progress by living each day toward something else.

It's been almost 9yrs since I practically lived on these msg boards (don't rem the name I used then).  I hung to every word in every reply I got.  It was the only place I could really talk abt "her".  Others didn't understand.

I'm glad to hear you've been no contact for so long.  That's awesome!  And it is like mourning the relationship, esp since you were prob not granted closure by the BPD.  I used to secretly want my ex to be one who contacts yrs later - but I've become very indifferent.  I still hold something for her from the good times but really understand those weren't real either - in the same sense we remember them.

I have zero belief I'd ever go back even if she begged in another 9yrs.  She just doesn't have that power anymore and I do. 

Keep your head up, man.  Not just a cliche but I'm a real dude who had it happen and can tell my story all these yrs later very detached from it all. 

Hey CA, it will get better with time. That’s how I have dealt with it. Time. I still think about her but nowadays in different terms. And I am not at all desperate to see her these days let alone trying to restart. I can’t see that ever happening. And you know what? It feels good now.

You will get there and you will see things so differently. Like you are beginning to understand already that even if it starts again there would be many issues that you would not resolve, ever. And the unanswered questions, I am afraid they will remain. My ex destroyed everything then came back pleading but I didn’t get any answers as to the why it all happened. The most I got was “things were out of control at the time” and what does that mean? I still don’t know!

If someone treats you badly once, what guarantees will you have that it won’t happen again? None. Someone wrote to me once the following, which is relevant advice: “If you have any doubt in any future relationship perhaps the best test would be, what would you tell your son, or a close friend, if he told you a woman was treating him like that?”

Take care.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey crushed again, Everyone heals at his/her own pace, so give yourself a break.  Don't beat yourself up! 

I wish I didn't even think about her anymore, but I do.

Maybe this is counter-intuitive, but I suggest you allow your thoughts and feelings rather than try to suppress them.  After acknowledging them, let them pass through you and let them go.

It might help to keep a journal to assist with processing your emotions.  Sometimes just writing down one's feelings helps to get them out of one's head and onto a piece of paper or your computer.  In other words, it's healthy to externalize all those internal thoughts and feelings, to get them out into the light of day, where they seem less overwhelming.  Many of us have been down this path before you, so hang in there!

LuckyJim