Psychological Evaluation in Divorce

[Wilkinson]

My lawyer, her lawyer, and the GAL agreed that we need to get psychological evaluations.  I have my evaluation coming up.  I asked my lawyer what it was for, and she said they would, for sure, be looking for personality disorders, maybe evaluating for parental alienation.  It is just for myself and my wife, not kids at this point. 

Is there anything I should do to prepare?  Anything I need to consider?

My plan was to be honest.  Answer only the question being asked, without going off on tangents or digressing.  Stick to facts and don't let answers get buried in emotion or suspicions.

[GaGrl]

A psychological evaluation should include interviews and , at the least, an objective assessment tool such as the MMPI-2. He aware that these assessments have, designed within them, says to check whether someone is trying to "beat" the test, i.e., Look as if they are perfect.  Just be honest in your answers.

Keep the well-being of your children at the center of your interview. Refer to "our children" rather than "my children." Ensure there is a sense of children as separate, individuals rather than extensions of yourself.

[livednlearned]

Do you know anything about the psychologist and what type of evaluation is being done?

If the MMPI-2 is being administered, which is an approximately 500-word question instrument, it is designed to detect whether someone is "presenting falsely." Many of the same questions are asked in slightly different ways, and a pattern of answering them in ways that are not consistent can be detected based on statistical analysis.

My ex did not do the MMPI-2. Instead, he did 4 interviews with a forensic psychologist. She produced a 12 page report that was damning, but did not end with a diagnosis. Her concluding paragraph was, "a personality disorder cannot be ruled out and further evaluation is recommended" or something to that effect.

[ForeverDad]

First, be aware that the psych results may not be applied to the fullest extent toward how parenting is impacted.  That may require deeper assessments such as are done in Custody Evaluations.  For example, alcoholism is not an uncommon claim.  However, how much it impacts parenting is the extent of the behaviors, does the person drink alone away from the kids, is the person an abusive person when drinking, does the person drive with the kids while intoxicated?  All those aspects may indicate the level to which the behaviors are actionable.

When I first separated I recall the court ordered us both to get Psych Evals and share the results with both parties.  Well, I complied.  I had anxiety.   To this day I don't know whether she even got evaluated, much less shared her results with anyone.  So my advice is to show your cards judiciously.  Your lawyer can tell her lawyer, "We have the results of Wilkinson's evaluation.  Once you have his spouse's results, then we will share them both."  I wish my lawyer had done that.

[Wilkinson]

Do you know anything about the psychologist and what type of evaluation is being done?

I don't know exactly.  I know I will spend the better part of a day in the evaluation.  I asked my L and she said they will be looking for Personality Disorders.  We have a GAL and they filed something so that the results will be shared with the GAL. 

I plan to treat this more like you'd treat a job interview than you would a counseling session. So honestly, but cautiously.

I feel pretty confident about myself in this.  Of course, I'm nervous, but over the past year, I've been working hard to maintain sanity.  I've had a mentoring relationship, counseling, reaching out to friends, making sure I'm a part of a community, staying active and finding rewarding activities. 

I'm actually feeling optimistic to this because I believe that all the work I've done over the past year to take care of myself and seek supportive people and groups in order to be mentally and physically healthy has put me in a good spot for this.  I just don't want to screw it up.

[livednlearned]

I would ask for specifics from your L.

Who is doing the evaluation, are they a forensic psychologist, what instrument/survey is being administered (if any), what kind of report will be produced, when will it be due, will results be shared with opposing counsel or just the judge, how will the results influence custody, if there is a PD, then what.

Once you know who it is and what will happen, you can do a little more research to prepare.

You deserve to know what is going to happen and how your L plans to use it in your case.

[Sluggo]

We both had a full day of psych testing including mmpi, rorshak, and others durning our marriage as part of marriage counseling 6 years before I filed.  That was the first clinical assessment where it was concluded wife had paranoid personality disorder with borderline and histrionic features. 

Then in custody Eval 7 years later we had another psych testing which concluded a personality disorder. 

Even with both of those results from different doctors 7 years apart, exwife still got majority custody.   

The testing however  was very helpful to me to verify I was not going crazy and someone else could see what my wife's behaviors were and were disordered. 

Then 8 months after divorced finalized,  ex wife gave up all custody of all 7 kids voluntarily.  She only wanted to see them 30 days in summer.  No weekends, days, holidays, etc.    It was out of the blue.  We had court sign her 'request' and finalized within weeks of her email requesting to give up kids. 

Agree... answer honestly even if it reveals something negative about you.   

[soundofmusicgirl]

please be aware that BPDs are very good in "hiding" their personality disorder. We also had psych evals done of BPDxw and my husband. When the psychologist only meets the individual once it is easy for a "high functioning" BPD to hide their traits.

Sometimes BPD is only diagnosed after many many sessions with a psychologist because they are so manipulative.
In one of my support groups there was a mother who had a daughter with BPD. She told us that it took the psychologist a year to finally diagnose her daughter. Much of that year the psychologist told her (mom) that she did not understand why she was sending her daughter to a psychiatrist.

Someone mentioned on here that a psych eval does not automatically mean that it makes a custody determination easier. My experience is that judges don't really care about diagnosis but about the behavior that is exhibited (towards the children).

[Wilkinson]

Someone mentioned on here that a psych eval does not automatically mean that it makes a custody determination easier. My experience is that judges don't really care about diagnosis but about the behavior that is exhibited (towards the children).

I'm hoping it will help by the fact that she has been attacking me.  She won't let me see the kids.  She is saying I'm unstable.  I'm hoping that the evaluation can get to the truth, if nothing else on me, to show that I'm stable and there is no reason why I shouldn't have 50% parenting time with my children.  She is arguing that I should get none or that supervised visitation.

[livednlearned]

She is saying I'm unstable.

What is she saying you're doing that's unstable?

[Wilkinson]

What is she saying you're doing that's unstable?

I don't know that I'm doing anything in particular, she just likes using that phrase.  She did file false allegations I'm fighting with child protective services where she claimed I beat my son, among some other things.  She is telling the kids that everything I do is not because I love them, but because I want to show an image of being a good dad, but I don't actually care  about them.  So if I go to one of their events, it's because I want to be seen there not because I actually care about them.  If I try to call them, it's because I'm only doing it to look like a good Dad, not because I actually want to talk to them.  It's a maniacally clever tactic to turn all my positive efforts at being a dad into things that are insulting to them.

[livednlearned]

It's a maniacally clever tactic to turn all my positive efforts at being a dad into things that are insulting to them.

It's cruel. Dr. Craig Childress considers it a form of child abuse.

Do your kids tell you what she says?

I found the most powerful response was, "Wow. How did you feel when dad said that? If someone said that to me I would feel sad/scared/angry/hurt.

Another one was, "Do you have any questions for me?"

If the kids repeat the phrase "dad is unstable" I would ask them what they think that means. It will probably sound something like what mom is like   but you don't want to be the one who says it. You want them to learn from their own feelings and thoughts and beliefs what is going on.

My son is 18 and he can talk about the alienation tactics now. More than anything, he wants to trust his own ability to figure out what's going on. Alienation is so corrosive and damaging, not just to your relationship with the kids, but it also impacts their ability to trust themselves. What's real and not real.

I saw a video of Childress talking about the power of laughter. "Mom says you don't really care about us" is not different than "Mom says you were born with horns."

Which is absurd.

"Wow! (laughter) I'm trying to figure out how cheering you on could be a bad thing! In what universe is that true? Let's go throw a ball so I can be seen throwing a ball to you haha."

[kells76]

If I try to call them, it's because I'm only doing it to look like a good Dad, not because I actually want to talk to them.

Have any of your kids said something like that to you (yet)?

It is going to be crucially important to respond thoughtfully. And, despite how it seems like she may be getting the upper hand with that manipulation, it actually opens a door for you to -- through your responses -- strongly deflate what she's trying to do.

LnL has her own stories of her son's dad doing this kind of stuff, so I hope she'll chime in.

I remember our now-SD13, back when she was 8 or so, telling DH (after he said something like "No, we can't go out for a treat") that "You always get what YOU want".

It seemed clear that those ideas -- DH is selfish, self-centered, doesn't think about anyone else, etc -- were Mom's perspective.

DH didn't handle it the best at the time, because it was before we'd really learned the skills. He essentially responded with JADE, because he's wired so analytically.

One of the most powerful moves you can make when your kids come at you with "You're only doing this to look good -- you don't really care about me" is to ignore the "outside" of the comment and get right to the core. This isn't about YOU, Wilkinson, and what you do -- this is about how your kids are feeling. It will be way stronger, and undermining of the false narrative, to let your meta responses tell about who you are, versus "arguing" or "explaining" how you DO care about them.

Typically, when our step/kids have a disordered other parent, their parroted phrases will have at the core something about "you don't really care about me". And as parroted and canned as they are, there is still a scared kid wondering deep down if it's true. It is a truly devious tactic for one parent to set the kid up to have their core feelings invalidated because the parroted phrase triggers and demeans the other parent.

The way it works is that when we respond to "You don't really care about me" with "That's not true, I love you so much", what is going on is that we have INVALIDATED their question-feeling of "Are my feelings worth caring about", because we moved the spotlight off of their feelings onto us and how great we are.

Instead, when our kids come at us with "You're only doing this to look good", target the core feeling: "That would feel awful to feel like I didn't really care about you".

I can't recommend enough this article (www.drcachildress.org/asp/admin/getFile.asp?RID=63&TID=6&FN=pdf) by Dr. Craig Childress -- it allows you to use the "energy" and "force" of what your kids' mom is trying to do and turn it into these meta, unspoken opportunities to undermine her whole narrative, through HOW you field those statements.

...

I'm sharing all this from a place further down the road, but I want you to know, we started with SD13 (back when she was 7 or 8, again) telling DH "You're not my family".

Your xW won't change what she does, but as you work on yourself and build skills, it can get WAY better with your kids.

(I see I cross posted with LnL about the exact same stuff... hope it's helpful)

[worriedStepmom]

My friend has an NPDex who shows up to be seen and not to be a part of the kids' lives.  Intent shines through.  Keep doing what you are doing and trying to be involved and interested in their lives.

In my friend's case, ex was required to get a psychological evaluation, but the court order was very loose about what that meant.  The psychiatrist interviewed ex and took statements from his girlfriend and a few family members.  Did not follow up on any of the statements, and took everything ex said at face value.  I don't think they used any of the standard instruments. The judge ended up not considering the evaluation at all (it pretty much fawned all over the ex and brushed off the "discrepancies" noted in his statements).  The other evidence in the case was pretty damning, and the ex got supervised visitation.

Don't go into this thinking it is the be-all and end-all of everything. It's one more tool, which may or may not be useful in the end.

[Sluggo]

Reading dr. Childress book really helped me understand better alianation and not take thinks so personally. 

I read his book foundations which I had underlined something in the that about every 2 pages.  I was like a sponge learning. 

My ex told my oldest 2 girls that no man (me their Dad)
should want a girl (daughter) in his apartment by himself, told one that cant sit with me at school functions,  had one call me and told me to stop going to her games or mom would pull her from the entire season.  Alienation is abuse. 

'Ryan Thomas speaks' on YouTube is also good to get perspective from an alienated childs eyes. 

[Jareth89]

Wilkinson how did the evaluation go? My experience (I have seen many) of psychs is very mixed. I found that they can have a tendency to make assumptions instead of asking a straight question.

[Wilkinson]

I thought it went OK.  I haven't received any results on either one of us.  We both took the MCMI-II, Jesness Inventory - Revised, CAP Inventory form VI, and a PAI questionnaire.  They also gave me an IQ test and I sat with the psychologist for 2 hours. It felt like we only had time to go over the facts of what has transpired over the past year.  I did my best to answer factually, not with anger or accusations, focus on the kids.  I guess we'll see how it pans out. 

I'm not even sure what to hope for.  If she ends up diagnosed with a PD, I don't know what that really does to benefit me.  I guess if it concludes that I don't have one, it helps against her accusations.  I'm just trying to make sure I have at least 50% of my kid's time and try to combat the parental alienation. 

[Wilkinson]

I am really wondering about the usefulness of these psych evaluations.  I believe it was our GAL that ordered them.  The total cost was $3,300 for the two of us.   

[zachira]

The psychological evaluation could be useful if it strongly suggests that you are the better parent and could diffuse any irrational accusations of your being unfit to parent. It could help you in the short term and long term to get more custody when and if needed, particularly if it shows that your ex is not somebody who really should be raising children.