I’m out of ideas and losing my patience

[Mommabear1]

I have a 19 year old with BPD (pretty sure she has NPD as well.) She has absolutely no consideration for others, lies pathologically and refuses to take her meds and be honest with her doctors (when she actually goes.) She recently left her SO of 2 years for a guy she was having an affair with who she says she “loves.” She was living with her SO, so she now is homeless as her new bf’s roommates do not want her living with them. Her new bf assures her that she doesn’t need her meds, she should just use street drugs to self medicate and that everyone else is lying to her to try to control her. She has younger siblings and her new bf is not allowed around us or our family... a clear boundary that we have communicated to her many times (if he was invited, her dad, siblings and myself would leave.)
Yesterday, we were gathered with my family. We agreed that she could ride with us, but that he was not welcome to attend the gathering. We drove 2 hours to our gathering, and she moped around the whole time, had on a questionable clothing choice (large f-bomb on her shirt when her young cousins would be there), hickey on her neck, ect.  We asked her to cover up the shirt and hickey and let the moping go.  She then went out and got high during the visit.   The final straw came when she invited the bf to the gathering. I lost my cool and started crying, just too many buttons pushed... we informed her that we were leaving and explained to my parents that we were leaving because of the situation. We asked 3 times if she wanted to leave with us, just to be sure she couldn’t misconstrue it that we “left her there.”  Well, that’s exactly what she did. She spent the next 2 hours bad mouthing us about how we are controlling, unreasonable, and how we left her stranded.  So, now my dad is telling me he’s disappointed in me and that I’m in the wrong, my mom and sister are telling me that I need to be more understanding, that “all kids mess up,” and how I “wasn’t a saint at 19 either.” It seems everyone has the “perfect parenting advice,” that works great with their young, non-BPD children and how I’m just not being a good mom.  I’m exhausted and at my breaking point.
I am just hoping someone can relate to the struggle because we are feeling pretty alone right now. Any advice is appreciated. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

There are many parents on this site who can relate to your struggles with your daughter with BPD and how badly it feels to be judged by other family members, when they don't really understand how hard you have tried to help your daughter. I come from a family with many members with BPD and many generations of many people with all kinds of challenges with mental illness. Parents do not choose the genetic makeup of their children, and with a challenging child, it can feel like nothing is going to work no matter what you do. There are many parents on this site who can understand your struggles with your daughter who are here to listen and support you. Many parents on this site have felt like giving up on their child with BPD at times, yet sometimes the child we thought would never get better does.

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello MommaBear
I join Zachira in welcoming you and assuring you that you are not alone. Far from it. Many of us, myself included, have experienced horrible behavior on the part of our children and completely unfair judgments on the part of those who have no idea about what BPD is. My best advice is to try not to take any of this personally and to pick your battles. I know that is easier said than done but it does get better over time. How is your husband ? Is he a good source of support ? We are all here for you.
hugs
Faith

[Mommabear1]

Thank you both. My husband is a rock star and has been trying his hardest to be everyone’s “rock in the storm.” As of about a month ago, he is the main contact point for our daughter. She will text him and talk to him, but mainly ignores me unless she is in need of a ride or money.  We (my husband, our two other children and myself) are used to her wrecking family outings, holidays, trips, ect...but up until now, she has mainly kept the behaviors out of the larger family sphere.  Yesterday, it was just one thing, after another, after another, all after a solid month of complete and utter hell where nothing is her fault, the twisting of words and outright lies and I just broke. I wish I would’ve been more calm with the situation, but honestly, I’m glad I held the line and kept my boundary. I’m just entirely tired of the parenting advise from people who don’t have a single clue.

[FaithHopeLove]

I think it is great that you are married to a rock star (me too!) and that you were true to your personal boundaries. This is really a situation where only people who have walked in your shoes have a clue. That would be us. Are you thinking about face to face therapy too? It helps me and my spouse a lot.

[Mommabear1]

Our other 2 children and myself have appointments scheduled for therapy. I was just put on anti-anxiety medication because of the stress but this month has just been a breaking point for our other daughter and myself. As for my son, he is young and we try to shelter him as much as possible, but it is beginning to affect his perception of his bpd sister. He is used to being disappointed by her and I don’t want him to “write her off” before he even can understand what is going on.

[FaithHopeLove]

I am glad that you and two of your children are scheduled for therapy. BPD takes its toll on the whole family. What has happened since the family gathering?

[Mommabear1]

Since the family gathering, my dd’s bf has lost his job, leaving my dd as the only one working (although she is on thin ice at her job as well due to behavioral issues). She still refuses to take her medication.  She has talked to her dad, acting as if nothing happened and everything is normal. As for me, neither she, nor any of my family, have spoken to me since my parents expressed their disappointment in me on Thursday night. So, essentially, it’s just my husband, myself and our two non-bpd children against the world.

[FaithHopeLove]

So, essentially, it’s just my husband, myself and our two non-bpd children against the world.

You also have us. We will walk with. One step at a time. You also have therapy scheduled. It is sad that your parents don't understand BPD and think what your daughter is doing is just normal teenage rebellion. They may come around in time. How do you think they would respond if you gave them some material about BPD to read?

[Mommabear1]

I’ve tried. Their attitude hasn’t changed.

[FaithHopeLove]

I’ve tried. Their attitude hasn’t changed.

Maybe give it a little more time? What do you think is stopping them from understanding BPD and accepting that your daughter has it?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mommabear1]

I honestly believe that my siblings think that because I’m the youngest sibling (baby of the family) that everyone knows better than me, even though my kids are the oldest grandkids. Also, my parents think that I’m just being over dramatic and unreasonable. My mother has always peddled a story to my bpd-daughter that my husband and I “treated her differently” than her siblings and that we were always unfair to her. That’s been since she was two when our second child was bornMy dd was diagnosed 2 years ago after many, many years of absolute hell. We don’t normally put our business out there for everyone to know and only my mother and one sister knew of my dd’s stint in rehab back in February. I’m just exhausted and the stress beginning to become a major problem for my health because I have MS and stress is one of the main triggers for relapses. I’m just at a point that I don’t want to give up on my dad because I love her more than air, but everything I do she twists and makes it bad and uses the fictitious account to make us out to be bad parents. This isn’t the first time she’s done it, just the first time with the whole family

[FaithHopeLove]

It  has to be incredibly painful. You are doing the very best you can and instead of your parents and siblings supporting you they are judging you. Anyone would be deeply hurt by that. I think it is still possible that one day they will come around and see a larger picture but it will take a while. Besides the therapy you have so wisely scheduled for yourself and your other two children and of course coming here what else can you think of that might help you to nurture and center yourself?

[Mommabear1]

I honestly don’t know. I’m just incredibly hurt and angry because instead of actually helping her (which they may think they are doing) they are enabling her behavior and reinforcing her delusion that she is the victim of abusive, controlling parents and that she did absolutely nothing wrong. Last night our non-bpd dd told her sister that she was upset with her for driving a wedge between me and my family and my bpd dd responded that she did nothing wrong and was angry at her sister for being upset at her. Meanwhile, today is my mother’s birthday and she won’t even answer my calls.

[Resiliant]

Hi Momabear,
I get it.   You need a “time out”.    Take it!   

[FaithHopeLove]

Your  mother shutting you out really stinks. So does your family's enabling behavior, no matter how well intended. But you have support. How can we help you stay balanced in the midst of this storm?

[Mommabear1]

Hi Momabear,
I get it.   You need a “time out”.    Take it!   

I think you’re right. I told my husband that I hope that therapy will help me to get to a place that I can forgive my daughter for all the hurt she has caused us, not because she feels remorseful, but for me to be able to move forward. I just feel like I’m at a place where I cannot be the mom she needs because I’ve allowed myself to become so broken.

Your  mother shutting you out really stinks. So does your family's enabling behavior, no matter how well intended. But you have support. How can we help you stay balanced in the midst of this storm?

You have already helped so much. I honestly just wanted to know that I’m not alone in this struggle. Nobody that hasn’t walked this path understands that normal parenting doesn’t work and my bpd-dd appears as a normal 19 year old to those who don’t know her well or see her often, so it’s easy for her to manipulate people into seeing her as the victim. For those of you that have weathered this storm, how to you keep hope that they can get better? How do you handle the hurt and lies without it harboring resentment?

[FaithHopeLove]

For those of you that have weathered this storm, how to you keep hope that they can get better? How do you handle the hurt and lies without it harboring resentment?

I don't know that I have weathered the storm. In many ways I am still in the midst of it. But I see glimpses of hope in small things, like my son going to therapy and actually saying he sees better days ahead or him giving me a positive text message in between rants. I pray a lot. I still have resentments but one day at a time I manage to let them go. You will too.

[zachira]

Most of the members here no matter what board they are on are in the process of weathering the storm with the people with BPD in their lives. It is particularly painful to have a child with BPD, and how others judge your parenting. You want the best for your child. I hope you don't interpret what I am about to say as any kind of criticism. I have several family members with BPD and NPD. In my experience, I have found that getting personal therapy for myself so I don't get so upset and overwhelmed by the latest cruel behaviors of my family members is the best insurance towards not being so overwhelmed and when I am overwhelmed it is for a shorter periods of time. You are in the middle of the eye of the storm. It will take time to feel better. There is always hope for your child though the motivation to change and get better has to come from her. Being the best person you can be in the worst of times, which is an ongoing challenge for most members on this site and for all human beings, is what can help you to set the boundaries you need to have with your family members to give them the best chance of responding more appropriately and getting better over time, not that they necessarily will.
Having hope in painful possibly unchangeable situations can be one of the most challenging experienes in life. As you continue to try to help your daughter, you will find strengths and courage you never knew you had.

[twocrazycats]

I told my husband that I hope that therapy will help me to get to a place that I can forgive my daughter for all the hurt she has caused us, not because she feels remorseful, but for me to be able to move forward. I just feel like I’m at a place where I cannot be the mom she needs because I’ve allowed myself to become so broken.

For those of you that have weathered this storm, how to you keep hope that they can get better? How do you handle the hurt and lies without it harboring resentment?

I am certainly still weathering the storm with my 18, soon to be 19 year old BPDdd, and your statement about being "broken" aptly describes how I was feeling this past summer. Therapy and attending Al-Anon meetings have helped me to shift the focus back to myself, which I had truly lost. I felt, and even now still feel at times, the chaos that blows in with her like the wind just destroys my balance of energy. Over the summer, it destroyed a part of me.

Therapy and Al-Anon are helping to put "me" back together. That is important, first and foremost, because I deserve to be whole. And me being whole is important in order for me to be the mom that my dd needs. I need to be the healthy one here. I need my emotional health to radiate to my dd, not the other way around.

Acceptance. Radical acceptance, they say. That is what helps me to handle the hurt and the lies without harboring resentment. I accept that my daughter has a disorder which causes her to act this way. Sometimes her behavior can be ugly. Very ugly. I would not accept that behavior from a person who did not have a personality disorder. But she does. So I expect it. I look for the positive, and there is a lot of positive.

It does stink that your family doesn't understand. My friends and family don't either. But I understand why they don't. First, my daughter's worst behavior is with me. She acts like any other teenager with people she's not that close with. And heck, I myself still get fooled on the good days sometimes, forgetting that tomorrow the behavior could be totally different.  So I can't fault people who don't even live with her.

I do have hope that my daughter can get better. She does acknowledge that she has BPD. She studied it in her high school psychology class, and she said that every single word about BPD rang true with her. She's the one who suggested it to her therapist. But... then she dumped the therapist and decided it's all a scam. She has good days and bad days. One step forward, two steps back. But sometimes only one step back. And sometimes two steps forward. So I do have hope. I tell her that she has the whole rest of her life ahead of her, and that it will be what she makes of it. The choice is hers.

You are so fortunate to have a "rock star" husband. I am a single parent, so it's just me. And my dd's issues are worst with me. She is better with just about anyone else.

I have to say that the biggest help for me is the fact that she's living at college now. It's so much easier to work on myself without her here on a daily basis. So much easier to respond with just validation over the phone. But she'll be home for a very long break over the holidays, so I'm definitely still weathering the storm. We are here with you.

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[Mommabear1]

Most of the members here no matter what board they are on are in the process of weathering the storm with the people with BPD in their lives. It is particularly painful to have a child with BPD, and how others judge your parenting. You want the best for your child. I hope you don't interpret what I am about to say as any kind of criticism. I have several family members with BPD and NPD. In my experience, I have found that getting personal therapy for myself so I don't get so upset and overwhelmed by the latest cruel behaviors of my family members is the best insurance towards not being so overwhelmed and when I am overwhelmed it is for a shorter periods of time. You are in the middle of the eye of the storm. It will take time to feel better. There is always hope for your child though the motivation to change and get better has to come from her. Being the best person you can be in the worst of times, which is an ongoing challenge for most members on this site and for all human beings, is what can help you to set the boundaries you need to have with your family members to give them the best chance of responding more appropriately and getting better over time, not that they necessarily will.
Having hope in painful possibly unchangeable situations can be one of the most challenging experienes in life. As you continue to try to help your daughter, you will find strengths and courage you never knew you had.

I absolutely understand what you are saying. I begin therapy on Friday. Up until this point I have been too overwhelmed trying to keep the peace that I didn’t feel like I had the time to devote to myself. I realize that I allowed myself to become broken and that I should have made the decision to seek therapy much earlier. Honestly I was fully unprepared for what was to come having a dd with the mind of a 12 year old (that’s how “mature” the psychiatrist tells us she is) in an adult body.

I felt, and even now still feel at times, the chaos that blows in with her like the wind just destroys my balance of energy. Over the summer, it destroyed a part of me.

This is how I feel and trying to explain that chaos to our other children is so difficult.

.
Acceptance. Radical acceptance, they say. That is what helps me to handle the hurt and the lies without harboring resentment. I accept that my daughter has a disorder which causes her to act this way. Sometimes her behavior can be ugly. Very ugly. I would not accept that behavior from a person who did not have a personality disorder. But she does. So I expect it. I look for the positive, and there is a lot of positive.

I need to work on this. While I accept the things she does, I have a hard time trying not to understand her choices through my own lens. I know that I need to learn to be more validating in my communication with her because I have allowed hurt and resentment to erode the dialogue. Frankly, I’m tired of always being blamed for her bad decisions, but I need to let go of that and find a way forward. As it sits, I’m having a hard time seeing any positives.

I can’t imagine going through this alone. I have so much respect for you and thank you for the words of encouragement.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mommabear1]

There is a large part of me that wants to reach out to my daughter and apologize for making her feel like she is not heard; however, I also have to find a way to make sure that she understands that while I am sorry for making her feel that way, I am not saying that her actions are acceptable. I’m just so stuck.

[twocrazycats]

There is a large part of me that wants to reach out to my daughter and apologize for making her feel like she is not heard; however, I also have to find a way to make sure that she understands that while I am sorry for making her feel that way, I am not saying that her actions are acceptable. I’m just so stuck.

With my daughter, it's usually not a good idea to bring up anything from the past. Instead of apologizing for making her feel like she is not heard, with my daughter, I would wait until the next time she's telling me something, and then repeat it back to her or say something that shows you heard her, and maybe say add, "I just want to make sure I'm hearing what you're saying." And then do it the next time, and so on, but not so much that it sounds fake or contrived. Frankly, if I were to bring up the past with my dd, that would just give her an excuse to start in on all my mistakes. It would be like throwing gasoline on a fire. But that's my daughter. You know your daughter better than anyone else.

Same thing with the behaviors. With my daughter, I would separate that from the other discussion and focus on what I expect going forward, not mention anything from the past. At this point, I just state what I tolerate in my house when she's here (and thankfully much of her time is spent at college). I try to stay calm when I say it. I tell her the boundaries are for me, they are not to control her. And when she has her own house, she can set her own rules.   

But I am working on being firm with the boundaries. When my dd turned 18, she basically said now she's an adult, she can do what she wants. And I said that the flip side of that is that now that she's legally an adult, I no longer have to let her live in my house rent-free. That it's a privilege, at my discretion. And that I expect all the adults in my house to respect my boundaries (so includes my adult son when he's home --and he was over the summer, but now is overseas studying, only home at Christmas, really. And he has never disrespected my boundaries, but so she knows it's not just her).

This is so hard, I know.
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