Why do some children idolize an abusive BPD mother even when they are adults?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have just read an email from my older brother with BPD all about what a wonderful mother we had and how she always put her children first. The truth is my mother abused my brother terribly throughout his life and she put herself first, always putting down any attempts of her children to be separate people from her. He was her caretaker until she died, and she continued to abuse him. (My other brother, the youngest sibling, was abused so badly by my mother when he was dying of cancer that the social services had to get involved. My younger brother still continued to idealize mom until the day he died despite how cruel she was to him.) I am thinking that my older brother had to paint me black to continue to avoid the truth about all the horrible child abuse he endured to the point that he became mom's pawn in old age. Mom was just as mean to him as an adult, saying horrible things to him and having no regard for his feelings, and certainly glad to have him take care of her for years on end without any compensation and completely giving up his own life. Can anybody explain this or have seen a similar scenario in their family? I am thinking that the answer is that the pain of facing the abuse is just too great and the ways we learned about how to think about a person continue as an adult unless we have the ability and courage to question them as an adult. I am confused as to how both my brothers could be so blind. My sister at least gets it that mom was anything but a good mother, and remembers going to camp every summer to get away from her.

[zachira]

I have just read an email from my older brother with BPD all about what a wonderful mother we had and how she always put her children first. The truth is my mother abused my brother terribly throughout his life and she put herself first, always putting down any attempts of her children to be separate people from her. He was her caretaker until she died, and she continued to abuse him. (My other brother, the youngest sibling, was abused so badly by my mother when he was dying of cancer that the social services had to get involved. My younger brother still continued to idealize mom until the day he died despite how cruel she was to him.) I am thinking that my older brother had to paint me black to continue to avoid the truth about all the horrible child abuse he endured to the point that he became mom's pawn in old age. Mom was just as mean to him as an adult, saying horrible things to him and having no regard for his feelings, and certainly glad to have him take care of her for years on end without any compensation and completely giving up his own life. Can anybody explain this or have seen a similar scenario in their family? I am thinking that the answer is that the pain of facing the abuse is just too great and the ways we learned about how to think about a person continue as an adult unless we have the ability and courage to question them as an adult. I am confused as to how both my brothers could be so blind. My sister at least gets it that mom was anything but a good mother, and remembers going to camp every summer to get away from her.

[Kwamina]

Hi zachira

I think that the thought of facing reality and getting out of denial can be quite overwhelming and scary for people. Even when the situation they are currently in is not very pleasant, in a way they still might find it pleasant and get comfort from it because it is predictable and quite probably has also become part of their identity. Stepping out of denial and letting go of the fantasy can then be almost like an existential threat, the thought of dealing with the uncertainty that would lie ahead and what that would also mean for one's own identity can be so overwhelming and scary that people might choose to remain in denial and essentially living in a fantasy instead.

What also could be a factor in your brother's case is that the position of 'golden' child might give him, even only in his own mind, a certain status which would place him above others. Letting go of this 'golden' role in the family and stopping with idealizing your late mother, would for your brother then also mean letting go of his 1-up status which in his mind might leave him feeling with having nothing left if his whole identity is based upon this premise of being 1-up.

Just some parrot reflections

The Board Parrot

[zachira]

Kwamina,
Some really good input here. Thank you. I think it has alot to due with just how empty inside my brother really is. He was disliked by both my father and mother, and suffered the worst abuse of all of us. I think you are right about his being empty inside. I just think he doesn't have the foundation to resort to, so he clings to the idea of being mom's golden child even when she is dead, even though mom never reallly put him on a pedestal like my deceased brother who was her golden child. I can't recall mom showing any real appreciation for my brother even though he gave up his own life to be her full time caretaker for many years. It is all so sad!

[Kwamina]

This is sad indeed. It is very sad how much a BPD parent can impact the family dynamics, the roles people assume in that family and the relationship development between siblings.

He was disliked by both my father and mother, and suffered the worst abuse of all of us. I think you are right about his being empty inside. I just think he doesn't have the foundation to resort to, so he clings to the idea of being mom's golden child...

Him clinging so much to this idea of being the golden child, could be seen as a coping or survival mechanism for him. No matter how badly abused he was by your parents, this role as 'golden' child provided him a measure of self-worth, something he might have been desperately looking for and perhaps desperately needed to be able to survive the abuse psychologically and emotionally. It is not a healthy or constructive coping mechanism at all, but it seems a coping mechanism nonetheless.

[zachira]

Kwamina,
I agree with you that it is not a healthy coping mechanism. I had hoped that my brother would have a better life with mom gone. I no longer believe that this is going to happen. He is unable to change. He decided to buy mom's house which I tried to talk him out of, as I don't think it is healthy for anybody to live in the home they were abused in as a child and adult. I basically need to keep my mouth shut about my brother's choices and realize he will never have a happy productive life. He has too many scars and is unable to face his painful past. He is relishing being the executor of the estate and getting to mistreat me. I am glad to have wonderful friends and distanct relatives who treat me with kindness and respect. Neither of my siblings with BPD and NPD have any friends because of their needs to be the center of attention and control everything. I feel compasssion for my silblings and know it is now time to have as little contact with them as possible.