I don't know how to help my daughter

[El1121]

Hello,
I am a new member. I needed somewhere to go for support. My 21 year old daughter has been struggling with mental illness since she was around 12. She has had just about every diagnosis and has been on every medication. I believe she has a borderline personality disorder but not sure if she was officially diagnosed with this. Things have gotten very bad lately. She got a dui a few months ago and last weekend I was awoken by police banging on my door at 2 am to tell me my daughter's Uber driver called 911 when she fell out of the car drunk and she was passed out on my front lawn. I told her she was indefinitely grounded. She is dependent on me for everything. She had to leave college her freshman year because she was failing everything, drinking all the time and ended up in the hospital for an overdose attempt. She has been hospitalized 5 times for suicide attempts. She cuts herself. She is extremely depressed and anxious. She does see a therapist once a week and her psychiatrist once a month which she has done for years but she isn't getting better. She doesn't talk to me; she sees
Me as the enemy. Her hygiene is horrible. I have to tell her to shower, brush her teeth, clean up after herself. I go in her room every day to make sure she doesn't have anything dangerous. Every time she has been hospitalized i have cleaned her car and room out and both are filled with trash, rotting food, alcohol. She has used marijuana and cocaine in the past and i periodically give her drug tests. I don't know how to help her. She is ruining her life. She is so smart but because of her mental illness she is paralyzed. I would appreciate any help or advice!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello El1121
Welcome to Bpdfamily and the parent support group. You have come to the right place to get help and support from parents who are in situations very similar to yours. Your story is painfully familiar to me and I am sure to all of us. There is hope. Things can get better. But first you need to take very good care of yourself because you need to be strong for what lies ahead. Coming here was a great first step in your own self care. Are you also able to see a therapist? Many of us, myself included, have found it helps. There are other things you can do as well. What sort of activities make you feel happy and fulfilled? I know it may seem strange that you are asking about help for your daughter and I am talking about help for you but really self care is the first step. You have to take care of you before you can help her. We are all here for you. Post as much as you like. We will listen without judgment. You are not alone.
Hugs
Faith

[Resiliant]

Hi E,

Along with Faith, I too would like to welcome you here.  I’m glad you found us.   There is hope and help here.

My son used to have terrible hygiene at a similar age.   He had dreadlocks in his hair that looked like a rats nest at the back.   Hitchhiked everywhere with no desire to get a license or job.   Since then he has improved tremendously.   He still looks dishevelled but owns a brand new car that he bought all on his own, and has a full-time job.   

I agree with everything that Faith said, that was some wise advice and it is truly so important.  I used to get frustrated when therapists wanted to focus on me instead of helping my son but now I realize why.   

Also, I am wondering do you feel as though your daughter has lost all sense of self worth?   Do you think that she feels hopeless?    If so, this is something we can work on.   Baby steps towards a future for your daughter. 
 

[El1121]

Thank you both for responding. I have been under tremendous stress for the past few years. I am a single parent of 2. My children's father is out of the picture. I am a nurse so I know the importance of self care but unfortunately I'm not very good at It. I will try to do things that bring me peace like yoga or knitting but I usually give It up for long periods of time. I probably have an eating disorder. I bounce back and forth between extreme dieting and binge eating. I have seen therapists when I was in my 20's and was actually diagnosed with BPD. Since my mid 30's and with the help of anti depressants I am stable. My daughter does not like to hear that we could possibly have the same disorder. She sees me as an enemy. I think because I have been both mother and father to her so there was never another adult to bounce things off of, I always got the brunt of all of her anger. She is definitely hopeless right now. I try to help and encourage her as much as I can but It doesn't seem to matter. I also want her to do family therapy but she refuses. She is very secretive with me which is a huge problem. She always says if she tells me I will freak out. Which isn't the case. I "freak out" when i find things out after the fact and that she lied. She won't let me be apart of her treatment and her therapist would also like me to be but my daughter refuses. I don't know if she's being honest with her therapist about what's really going on. I just see her getting worse and worse and it's heart breaking. Can you recommend any books on the topic?

[Resiliant]

Hi again,

I have read a few books, and my favorite and most helpful book so far has been the one by Valerie Porr called "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, A Family Guide for Healing and Change"

If you feel that you also have BPD it may help you to understand yourself as well, and in turn help you to understand your daughter.  It is a book about compassion and understanding.  The author also encourages you to remind your BDP child that she can "do hard things", which is important as you work your way to her becoming independent like you are.

I hope this is helpful

[El1121]

Thank you ❤️

[Minttea]

El1121,
  I understand so much what you are going through. My DD19 sounds very similar to your daughter. She started struggling (in hindsight) with anxiety in grade 10. Left school towards the end of grade 11 and still has not graduated from HS.
  She has seen 4 or 5 different therapists and been on 7 antidepressants over the past 2 1/2 years. Hospitalized 3 times after overdosing and also has been self injuring. She has stopped her meds since July and is currently not seeing a therapist.
  She is also very private and rarely opens up about what she is struggling with, I have never been allowed in with her appts with her therapist or family doctor. I usually call them or make an appointment to let them in on things as we see them.
  I too try my best with self care, but I still can’t let go that she needs help but doesn’t seem to understand or is not ready ...
   This journey is so frustrating, it is all consuming. I haven’t come to grips with it myself and am constantly looking for answers for her, but in the end I try to remind myself that ‘ this is her choice and her path’ right now.
   Our daughter is totally dependent on us as well. No job, no education. She didn’t want to get her driver’s license, too anxious, so she is still very much a child. Hygiene is terrible as well, showers about every 2 weeks. Room is a mess. It is a relief to be able to say these things to others and not be judged for it...

[El1121]

Out daughters sound similar. It's so frustrating because I cannot understand why she is the way she is; what caused this. But It does help to read other people's stories. My biggest concern with her right now is the self medicating with drugs and alcohol. Since the last incident with the police I won't let her go out. She has been surprisingly compliant but not happy. I just worry how she will be independent. It seems hopeless. Every time I think
She is beginning to do better something happens. I have PTSD from being woken up during the night by phone calls telling me she is in the hospital or the police at my door. I have had no life for the past 10 years.  I just want so much for her and my whole family to get well. I just am beginning to lose hope. This site helps and I am thankful for the support!

[FaithHopeLove]

Hope is so important. For me, hope comes when I manage to be healthy myself whether through therapy or AlAnon or the many things I like to do that make me me. That is why I keep nudging you. Gently I hope.

[El1121]

Thank you!  I know you are right. And I need to do a better job of self care. ❤️

[FaithHopeLove]

Thank you!  I know you are right. And I need to do a better job of self care

  hug

I have found therapy with someone who knows BPD to be a big help. I also find AlAnon to be a good way of detaching from the drama and centering myself. Since drinking and drugs are part of your daughter's problem it would be totally appropriate for you to go to Alanon meetings. They are very effective and free of charge.
 

Since you want book recommendations my favorite is "Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning. I read it when my son was first diagnoses and so many pieces of the puzzle fell into place for me. She  does a good job of Introducing the communication skills which I think will help you improve your relationship with your daughter. There are also a lot of great articles and videos on this website. Bpdfamily does a good job screening them to make sure they are clinically responsible. (Not everything out there is.)

Better days are coming. One day at a time.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders