I need to hear positive and hopeful commentary

[Yinks]

My daughter has always been emotionally sensitive, but it was never a serious problem when she was little.  She didn't have big fits or anything.  She was diagnosed with ADHD combined type, however we did not do medicine.  She was very loving and always wanted to make friends.  She and I have always been close.  During her teenage years we remained close until she started dating.  She did not make good choices and was very defiant.  At 19, upon graduation, she left home to live with a boy, that she had only known a few months to live in a big city.  She did not like the rules of my house.  She lived there and many tramatic things happened to her, but she did not want to come home. Finally after a year away she did came home but she was damaged, she was using weed and hanging with others that used weed and living a wild life.  She got pregnant within months of being back home.  She and I were still at odds many times because of her refusal to follow rules, but I didn't want her out and alone in the big city so we tried to make it work.  During the pregnancy she was much better.  More calm and reasonable.  We had a great relationship during this time and for about 8 months after my grandson was born.   This is when she began to have feelings of not being good enough for him, not knowing what to do...etc.  She and the father didn't work out which sent her into depression and she was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts.  They kept her for a week and released her with medicine.  She hated how she felt on the meds so opted to only take one of them (when she feels anxious...she began having anxiety attacks).  Anyway after she got out of the hospital she began hanging out again, breaking the rules, and leaving the baby with me for care.  I was not allowing it so we bumped heads a lot.  She had a volitile relationship with her new boyfreind and was showing signs of extreme emotions at home as well.  I took her to one psychiatrist and he diagnosed her with extreeme depression and chronic PTSD.  He wanted to put her on the highest doses of medicine.  I didn't like the sound of that and she seemed normal to everyone who didn't know her so closely as I did.  So I did more research and found another psychiatrist for a second opinion and she gave us the diagnosis of BPD.  Upon reading about this, it fit her to a T.  So she is supposed to now start DBT therapy, individual and group. She started individual, but it did not seem to be working.  We are looking to move her therapy to a DBT center that offers both.  Although I am glad that we have a diagnosis, I am very concerned that she won't be able to have a normal life and so is she.  She knows that she is different and doesn't like it.  She cries and tells me that she wishes she was happy how she used to be.  She gets extremely angry over things that are not that big a deal...she holds on to little things and it ruins her whole day and she becomes unproductive and obsessed with retaliazion (social media) and she hates it.  She has a mouth like a sailor.  I do not curse and never had her around people cursed around children.  She was raised with high standards and her friends (youth group) also had those standards.  I look at her now and wonder who she is.  It feels that she was swapped with someone else.  We are so opposite now, that I wonder who raised her.  She has rejected all of the things that she was raised to know.  She feels that nice people finish last so she has become angry and hateful so that she can't be hurt, but she still gets hurt.  She doesn't sleep at night even though she knows that she needs to.  This ruins the next day but she keeps the bad sleep cycle.  I need to hear something positive...a success story?  I need to know that I will get my daughter back.  I need to hear that DBT can help her to become herself again and to be a good mom to my grandson, and to lose this angry hard heart.  She was such a kind hearted kid.  I just need some hope.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Resiliant]

Hi Yinks,

Welcome to the BDP family.   Your daughter sounds much like my son, who is now 31 years old.     It hurts to see our adult children suffer this way, knowing that the kind hearted and loving person we have known for many years is still in there.

My son doesn't sleep well either, sleep deprivation is a common problem for people with BPD.    He has learned to regiment himself in order to be able to get up for work.  It's still hard for him.  Let's face it, we all know that when we don't sleep well we get irritable, and we have trouble dealing with things.  Sleep is so important.

There is hope for sure.  The good news is that through all the troubled times it seems you've managed to be able to maintain a pretty good relationship, you are likely her rock. It's awesome that you have been able to get her a diagnosis and to get her into therapy.  That is something that many of us are still hoping for. 

There are several book recommendations on this site, and I have read a few of them but there is another one out there that helped me the most.  It is called "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, A Family Guide for Healing and Change" by Valerie Porr.   

You mentioned that DBT didn't seem to be working. Try to keep her in DBT as long as you can. That is great that you are going to try and find a better place but remember that  nothing is going to change overnight, it takes time!  Change is possible and it does happen.   There is certainly hope for your daughter.

Does the DBT program that she is in offer a family program attached? 

All the best to you and your family   

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Yinks
I join Resilient in welcoming you here. We are glad you found
 Us. You say

I need to know that I will get my daughter back.  I need to hear that DBT can help her to become herself again and to be a good mom to my grandson, and to lose this angry hard heart.  She was such a kind hearted kid.  I just need some hope.

 

I asked the same thing when I first came here one year ago. My first post was about hope. I am happy to say yes there is hope. It is great that your daughter is in DBT. It takes time but it has been proven to be very effective. You can also play an active part in her recovery by learning the communication skills. Have you had a chance to look around yet and see what we have to offer? What would you most like to learn about first? We are all with you.
Hugs
Faith

[Yinks]

Thank you Resiliant and Faith.  Your words brought comfort.  I will definitely look around the site to get more information about what to expect and how to respond.  Thank you so much!

[Trusting-waiting]

Hi Yinks! Welcome! This has been a great resource for me since I found it a couple weeks ago. I understand the difficulties of having a daughter who has a baby and is STRUGGLING. What I hoped would be a life changing seemed to cause her pain and regret. All the why did I stay with him, have a baby with him, etc.  she’s living with us and though a month into DBT, is not showing much improvement on the home front. Over the phone the therapist said (even though she’s not supposed to discuss dd with me), that things are going in “The right direction.”  That gave me the liberty to say, not at home

Ultimately it’s our adult children who will decide what they make of their lives. We hope and pray for all of them to be proactive regarding their mental health and relationships. God knows everyone here has the best intentions for their kids. A big part of that is really attending to our own needs. <3

[Resiliant]

Ultimately it’s our adult children who will decide what they make of their lives. We hope and pray for all of them to be proactive regarding their mental health and relationships. God knows everyone here has the best intentions for their kids. A big part of that is really attending to our own needs. <3

Trusting-Waiting, those are some WISE words! 

As parents, sometimes we aren't ready to let go until we feel that we have finished our job.  And, so when our adult children haven't turned out as we planned we keep working and working trying to help them be the persons that we hoped and dreamed that they could become.  We cherish the loving and beautiful sides we have seen in them and anguish over the struggles that we see them go through.  Still, they are now adults and free to make their own choices.

We can't help others if we don't help ourselves first.  Learn to accept what is.  God bless all the parents here still trying their best.