Trying to make it work; I don’t know how to interrupt the cycle

[Atlanta91]

Hello! This is my first time posting. My male partner is a wonderful person –someone that I very much want to be with. But some of his behavior, paranoia, black/white thinking and abandonment/avoidance patterns have led me, him and my therapist/psychiatrist to suspect that he has BPD. He’s also dealing with a weed dependency and, more recently, is unemployed and has had to rely more on his parents. I love him a lot and have invested a lot of time, energy and emotional bandwidth to make this work. I believe it’s worth it. Lately, however, we find ourselves in a holding pattern. We have great period where we get along. Then something happens, usually he expects me to agree with him that something is unjust and he doesn’t feel supported by me and wants a partner that does support him. It’s the splitting behavior as I understand it. Then he threatens to break up and I get emotional.  After a while he “sobers up” and usually realizes he was being unfair and extreme. But it’s this exhausting cycle. And while I’m in it for the long haul, I don’t know how sustainable it is for me. I’m trying to figure out how to set boundaries and to demand more respect, but it feels like it’s backfiring. He also reacts much kinder to close friends, who don’t agree with him. Which feels unfair. I’m trying to learn how to diffuse the situation instead of adding fuel to the flame when we he gets triggered, but I haven’t been able to really do it successfully. What’s more, today he said this is the only relationship in which he’s ever treated his partner like this, this badly and he’s ashamed of it. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much, but I feel like I’m always bracing for impact emotionally  and that there’s always this anxiety that the partner I love is going to suddenly shift into the cold, unkind, version of himself that sees things in black and white. Thanks in advance. Much love for all of you who have made this community what it is.  

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AbuNassif]

Think of it this way, you have a car that drives really well at 65mph, but at 85mph it vibrates too much to control well, and at 100mph it's real risk of crashing. In this car is you and the partner you love. Until you figure out whether is the axle, the suspension, the tires, the ball joints, and whether you can afford the repair, 65mph is as fast as you should go.

He's kind to friends, but not to you when disagreements flair up. Maybe friends is all you can be. Call it a special friendship, with benefits, admire each other, but set your boundaries and your expectations based on an understanding that as soon as you move past being friends things get hard.

[loyalwife]

Hi Atlanta91,
   I agree with AbuNassif. You just need to know the right speed. I'm sorry that you are going through this, and how difficult it is to be with someone that's feelings fluctuate. Have you read any of the great resources on the site?
   My husband said a similar statement to me about not having treated anyone as badly. At the time, I thought he was saying that it was my fault, but in reflecting it is obviously because I allow it, and didn't set boundaries. It's easier to be nice to those that have boundaries, like friends. I'd say that it's good that he can recognize his behavior with you. That's a step.
   "Bracing for impact" is never fun. How often does he seem to go into the black and white thinking? Have you found a pattern?
    My husband can be set off by the smallest trigger. I can't let him know what I'm feeling as he immediately takes it for his own and is off and running. For instance, if I'm sad over a spat my daughter and I are having, he will send her scathing texts and tell her he hates her.  No boundaries. Sometimes it's easier to bear it on ones own. You mentioned that you were trying to learn how to diffuse the situation rather than adding to it. When my pwBPD starts up, I set my boundaries. Like tonight. I changed my reaction to him, rather than being emotional after he told my daughter he hated her, I have been detached from him. I look at him like a specimen. When he comes back to base, then I will be normal acting with him. It's unfortunate because we have to let go of our preconceived ideas of what attachment is. With someone with BPD isn't stable, although there are times that it's almost there.
   Take care.