New here

[Chatty Cathy]

What seems to be the most difficult for me is my s/o criticism.  My knee jerk response is to respond with sarcasm, my own criticism, etc.  I feel as if I need to take up for myself.  I know this is defeating behavior and will get me nowhere with him, and yet, even after 45 years together it still happens frequently. 

I also feel as if I am not living wholly.  So much of who I am stays hidden behind clenched teeth!  I fear verbal retaliation and/or the silent treatment if my feelings, wants, needs do not align with his.  So many times I choose silence rather than disagreement.  I feel as if I have lost myself.

I wonder if there are others who feel this way, too.  I am in therapy, trying to work on myself, but the fear of making waves is real.

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[haypigyahu]

I’m also new here. Trying something new. Expressing to others.

I can completely relate. One of the harder pills to swallow with my J is how he thinks that his words are law because he can see the logic in them and that his criticism of me is constructive. If I would only change my way of thinking, we could be happy. No disagreement is complete without him verbalizing how I just don’t get it and I continue to make him endure the same stupid behaviors. He genuinely believes that when he calls me ‘retarded’ he’s being easy on me because ‘it’s not a retard’s fault that they can’t understand.’

When I’m feeling feisty and refuse to relent, (usually on my stronger days) I give him a run for his money. I challenge him to get his satisfaction. I make him work for it. That sounds so ugly out loud. No one wins of course, it usually ends with the B word and how he never wants to see me again. Sometimes worse. But it helps me remember that I am not as weak as he says and more aware than knows.

Because I seemingly don’t operate as a fully functioning intelligent person in his eyes, it is also difficult to be expressive. I feel like I have to hide away the best parts of myself and behave as a drone to prevent the character attacks. An example is the music I listen to. It is either old and overplayed, too mainstream, or if it’s something he’s never heard, sounds like _____.

I have yet to go to therapy. I made an appointment once, but I got lost trying to find the office and arrived 7 minutes late. I was told to reschedule. It shouldn’t have deterred me, but it did. Proud of you for what you are doing for yourself!