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Author Topic: What was I thinking, what was I thinking!!  (Read 388 times)
Blueskyday
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« on: December 01, 2019, 04:43:21 PM »

Hi all,
I have royally skrewed up.
I had my Grandchild overnight last weekend. She broke down. I mean broke when it was time to leave she said because she didn't want to go home.
She has called me every night almost last week.

Today should have been fun trimming the tree.

She was under the weather but came anyway today. The stress was there from the start today.. She's just not herself

She broke down multiple times saying she is stressed with her life except when she's in school and focusing on her work. She is asking ro go to bed early because when she sleeps her stress isnt there. She said she felt so bad she couldn't relax and have fun at mine. She said she feels really bad when her Mother does things and says don't tell Grandma.

She tried to talk to her Mother but she shut her down. She tells her off for being upset no matter what the reason

Alarm bells were ringing in my head as I was thinking am I doing things to stress her without realising. Then logic hits.
She now has 12 hr days, never sees her Mother and is being farmed out regularly .If it is me in any way it's max 10%. I will make mistakes but I know I am not putting the child in the middle.

She said she is struggling with her responsibilities. She even worried that telling me her troubles was hard on me, passing them on to me..Bless her heart. Of course I explained its not like that with children. She is so emotionally intelligent at 8.

She is shouted at regularly. There is no clean dishes ever and she's supposed to get her own breakfast and take the dog out in the morning.
 Shes lucky if she has a clean coffee mug for cereal..The house smells bad and almost every bulb has blown upstairs..Its unbelievable!!

We talked it out and she bravely said she wanted to try again to tell her Mother how bad she feels but was concerned that she would get into trouble if she told her mum less than  half of what she told me. She wept and wept. I said its up to her. She needs to prepare if the conversation doesn't go the way she hopes. She wanted me to talk to her Mother with her. She said she can't mention the shouting at her and stuff.

So I ask can I come in ? she would like to talk and me be there. I said she is telling me she's stressed in all of her life. She is feeling overwhelmed. I think its important she tell her Mum if she feels so bad.

My dtr shut her down immediately. She said you are ill and that's all there is to it.
She said she told me she wasn't ok all week but didn't know why. Eveeyrhing the child tried to say was met with you are ill.

The subject was firmly closed.

I am very very concerned that there will be fall out from this. She will twist my intentions.

The child was left exposed having asked me to help her speak to Mum. There is no resolution, no understanding and zero empathy for the child .

What was I thinking. I am kicking myself. I should have known..I have such a knott in my stomach.



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Resiliant
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« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2019, 05:16:28 PM »

Hi Bluesky,
First of all -  With affection (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
I can imagine how heartbreaking this is.
Do you feel that your granddaughter is safe?
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #2 on: December 01, 2019, 05:48:46 PM »

Resiliant, her safety is not assured. She was at an adult party a month ago when her Mother met a guy and invited him and a random Uber driver home. The Mother was drunk as a skunk.

She is not secure. She is neglected emotionally and physically. She does more and more for herself. She is shouted at for not getting knotts out of her hair, forgetting to bring her stuff home from school etc.

She brushes her teeth in the dark almost. Her bedroom light is bust. All it needs is a lightbulb. I bought her 2 lamps and a charger. Her mum removed them. She blows bulbs and then moves lamps around.

I am heartbroken and berating myself. How could I not know how this would go. She has 0 empathy. even for her own chid. She accuses me of this..pure projection. My eyes were open even wider today.

That poor kid
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Resiliant
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« Reply #3 on: December 01, 2019, 06:54:17 PM »

Bluesky, I am concerned for your granddaughter.

Is it possible for you to have a child psychologist or child therapist or some child professional visit while she is visiting you?   Someone that she can talk to in private
 - without you in the room - and possibly let out some things that she is afraid to say to you?  Am I right that in the past you mentioned that she may be holding back?  I'm not wanting to upset the apple cart or make you more worried, I just feel that it's important to do all we can protect this child and/or put your mind at ease.

It seems like we are getting close to time for more drastic interventions.  Generally when children live in situations like that they are pretty resilient.  (HA!  I just learned that I spelled my own name wrong  LOL)  but, no laughing matter when your granddaughter is this upset when having to leave you it's charming to think that it's just because she is so close to you which she obviously is but I am seeing some red flags here.

Am I out of line?

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Blueskyday
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« Reply #4 on: December 02, 2019, 12:39:07 AM »

Not out of line!! I am grateful for the input.

She does not withhold from me resilient. She tells me everything. She tells me more than her Mother would like.

She feels bad when her Mother says don't tell Grandma because she feels safer knowing I am there to listen. She is made to feel she is doing something bad. Difference is she totally knows her Mother's behaviour is wrong. She told me without me saying a word.

One hint of a psychologist and I would never see the child again so that's a no go. I know what's going on. I know why she's not coping. She has no love at home. Her Mother is barely going through the motions. She doesn't want her.

5 weeks have passed since she discarded me. In that time all the things she wanted to do but didn't have resurfaced. She doesn't have me to vent at and pick on and prop her up. She is off her meds and self medicating with alcohol sex with random Tinder men, parties..The kid is in the way.

She doesn't want the child Christmas day to shirk her responsibilities but also so she can say I left her alone and her own child would rather be with me. The child would pay if she agreed to have Christmas without her Mum. I need to be more than careful

I am worried, very worried. We have agreed if she needs me desperately she will snapchat for me to come as a surprise. That is her code to signal she feels unsafe.
She is terrified of her Mothers wrath should she read her messages to me if they ask me for help when she's super drunk.

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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #5 on: December 02, 2019, 03:19:12 AM »

I hate it that your granddaughter is being put in this position. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing your best in a very difficult situation. I know we have talked about child protective services before and you have said that you don't want to go that route because you may never see your daughter again. I understand your fear. (Although I frankly wonder if your daughter would really want to lose your free baby sitting services.)I also wonder how far things can go before there is no choice but to involve outside authorities. There is child neglect and abuse going on in that home. It is good that your granddaughter has a way of alerting you on Snapchat if things go really bad. Are there any other actions you can think of that might ensure her safety?
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #6 on: December 02, 2019, 06:16:02 AM »

Ohh Faith, trust me if I thought for a minute making the call would help I would. Equally I realise things may escalate.

You have to beat and starve your children in public for the authorities to care in the UK. My daughter can also do a quick 180 when the pressure is on.
She is such a skilled manipulator to those who don't know her. She is quite capable of convincing social workers I am mentally ill.

She is holding down a full time job. I keep wondering how?

I realise now she can do that because she wants to.

She does't care about the child or the house or being a Mum. She wants to work to be with her drinking buddy. It's social for her.

I wish she would hand over the kid. She clearly is cramping her style.
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #7 on: December 02, 2019, 07:03:16 AM »

Is there a chance your daughter would hand over her kid? To you maybe? Would that work? Just thinking out loud.
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #8 on: December 02, 2019, 08:17:43 AM »

It may come to that Faith.
She will be a teen in just over 4 yrs
I think she will ask to come live with me if things don't escalate and force the issue.

I would take her in a heartbeat

I so do not want any part of my daughter. Being this way with me and even the dog is one thing...Not the kid.

She controls her behaviour for the most part with the favourite person of the moment so there clearly is some control
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GaGrl
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« Reply #9 on: December 02, 2019, 09:14:23 AM »

Have we discussed yet contacting the school counselor for your grandaughter? They can provide a great deal of support, and should the situation become critical enough, any report to CPS would be made by the school, not you.
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« Reply #10 on: December 02, 2019, 01:13:14 PM »

I know a couple of people at home in Canada who are going through court for custody of their grandchildren.  This is not easy for anyone.

I'm glad the two of you have created a "safety plan" with the snapchat.   Any kind of safety plans that you can put in place with her are important and I commend you for doing that!

It's so great that you are willing to take her when needed.   You are not going to be able to change your daughters behavior or her choices but thank God you are there to try and protect your granddaughter as best you can.   

Thinking of you  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #11 on: December 02, 2019, 10:06:41 PM »

Bluesky, this post has me very concerned for your granddaughter, too. It's good that she knows to snapchat you if she doesn't feel safe. But the whole post just sounds like she's crying out for help. If there is any, any way at all that your daughter might hand her over, I would to do that. It really isn't safe when the adult in charge is drunk. She could leave the stove on, leave doors open, etc. Not at all safe for a child. I would keep the number of child protective services handy, even if you don't want to use it. I called child protective services here on the U.S. on my sister-in-law once years ago after I saw her kick my 5 year old niece in the stomach. My sister-in-law found out it was me who called (she knew someone in the office) and didn't let me see my niece for about 6 months. But after that I started seeing them again, and, to my knowledge, my SIL never physically abused my niece again. My niece is now a happily married mother of two, and we are close. I am close with my now ex SIL also, who is wonderful to her grandchildren. Long story short, it was worth it to make the call.

Also please don't be hard on yourself at all. You've done nothing wrong. You are an angel for that child right now. Literally all she has.

2CC
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2019, 03:55:08 AM »

She is literally crying out for help. I will have to make sure she can charge her phone..Will buy her another charger.

If I knew Mum was drunk and the child contacted me then I could call a local policeman as a witness. I plan to do that if it happens again..when

I need to be so careful
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2019, 06:33:05 AM »

She snapped last night to say her stress felt better..God love her. 8yr olds shudnt be stressed
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #14 on: December 03, 2019, 12:13:32 PM »

I heard from the homeless charity after 2 weeks. They asked for my availability and what I may wish to do to help. Very positive. Now I will wait for an invite to go see them I guess.

My boss took me off monitoring for being sick so much the past few months..

I am getting some students to host in Jan..only 3 weeks but they pay well.

Lots of positive mixed with negatives..Have to focus on the positives I guess .

I have to be an example for the child. Happy, healthy role model. I have to be within reach but not enmeshed. Its all I can do at this point.
« Last Edit: December 03, 2019, 12:25:07 PM by Blueskyday » Logged
Resiliant
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« Reply #15 on: December 03, 2019, 12:43:25 PM »

Love your attitude Bluesky!  Way to go! (click to insert in post)
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #16 on: December 03, 2019, 01:50:25 PM »

I agree with Resiliant that Bluesky is a total rockstar  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #17 on: December 04, 2019, 11:42:34 AM »

Ohh you guys shucks Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

Looks like they need me Christmas day evening and New years day evening. I will meet the lady next week to go through what there is for me to do.

Well my dtr sent me a message. She is taking the child to the theatre Saturday day. She offered to drop her..How kind..
Translation is another Mother is doing the driving and she's taking full advantage.


So she's basically asking me to take the child for the whole weekend.

The dilemma is do I give her the freedom to get absolutely wrecked and take the child back to a zombie Mother? She will continue to drink Saturday until the wee small hrs then go for "lunch" and top herself up. All assuming no major crisis happens as a result. Hard as it is to believe this is the more positive scenario!!

Do I have the child Sunday and have her spend Saturday with a Mother who barely interacts with her.

This is the danger zone in codependence ...I want the child to be safe and stress free. If I have her overnight I can't go to the meeting .

Any advice would be most appreciated.
My spidey sense is saying I should stick to picking her up Sunday and not give my dtr free reign to get wrecked. She becomes less emotionally regulated after these binges.

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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #18 on: December 04, 2019, 03:48:38 PM »

Just my two cents, but I lean toward trusting your spidey sense on this. You are entitled to go to your meeting and are certainly not obligated to facilitate her drinking binge.
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #19 on: December 04, 2019, 05:03:11 PM »

Exactly, I will have quality time with the little one Sunday. I have to go to my meeting.

Hopefully she won't be farmed out to someone else.

The problem with the binges is I think the child will suffer more midweek as my dtr gets a come down. She may also be taking coke again. She dyed her hair blonde within the last 6 weeks just like it was before she had the child. Her behaviour has regressed to how she was before she had the child.

She hates me the way she did before she had the child and went on meds
Its as if the last 8 yrs didn't happen.

Thanks Faith..I do feel troubled with these impossible choices and hesitate to trust myself
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #20 on: December 05, 2019, 10:57:30 AM »

She is just not learning..My dtr remains haughty and entitled. I texted that I will collect the child Sunday. She asks if 12 is OK and I say I have to be somewhere until 12.30.

Well I have to leave my house by 1.30 as I have plans.

She has no power over me anymore which she still doesn't get.

So I was right..of course I was right..I have seen the pattern...

She will be totally drunk by 9pm when the poor kid goes home Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
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Resiliant
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« Reply #21 on: December 05, 2019, 03:27:12 PM »

Hi Bluesky,

I'm going to go out on a limb here, and use something from Faith when I say "just thinking out loud".

What if...

We start with some radical acceptance.  Your daughter is relatively young, and single and wants to be social and party.  Way beyond what you feel is acceptable but she is going to do it anyways.   And, you have concerns for your granddaughter's safety in all of this.

Then we move to SET method.   Again, just thinking out loud and you know the situation best but what if you then say to her that you understand that she is young and wants to go out and party, and that you might want to do the same thing in her position.  So what if you offer (and I only say this because you said you would take the child in a heartbeat) what if you offer to take the child regularly say every other weekend or every Saturday night overnight until Sunday at 2pm (once her tinder friends are gone and she's sobered up) or whatever you think might work.

This way maybe she can get some socializing out of her system, you know your granddaughter is safe, and you are still in charge because you set the dates.   

Again, just "thinking out loud".   Do you think your daughter would go for it? 

I get that the hard part would be where you want to say that you will do this as long as she focuses on the child on the nights that you don't have her and with BPD we all know that ultimatums don't work.

Anyways, my two cents worth.  Just thinking of you!

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Blueskyday
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« Reply #22 on: December 05, 2019, 04:19:41 PM »

If only that were possible resilient.
I totally get it, really I do!! She was so young when she had her. No one would blame her for wanting to go out.

The issue arises when she gets a drink she keeps going. She is acting out like a teen. She does not want to talk to the child midweek or even interact with her. She shouts and screams at her.
She goes out on a Saturday night sleeps in and goes " for lunch". She is totally drunk by dinner time Sunday if the child is there or not.

We are formally estranged there is no way I could hold her to account the way I used to.

She just told me she is going to stay with her friend and her Mother for Christmas. I have no option but to collect the child from them. How uncomfortable!! At least the child will not be alone with her. Hopefully the child will find this exciting.
The girl is nice and I like the Mum.
Of course they have both been told I am a monster.
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #23 on: December 05, 2019, 04:50:52 PM »

I've decided not to go to the friends house. I can't be subjected to that shame knowing she has said awful terrible things to them. I will feel embarrassed and ashamed. At the end of the day she has played the victim so much they invited her to have Christmas with them.

This is the girl who's boyfriend she slept with and fell pregnant to. The poor girl knows nothing of this.

She spent her time there when she was pregnant and not talking to me telling them what an evil person I am.

She can take the child and the dog to the corner shop. I want no part of it
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« Reply #24 on: December 05, 2019, 05:25:25 PM »

Sorry Bluesky,
All that I can say at this point is Stay Strong!
You are a good person and a super Grandparent.
Life is hard.
I am going to add to my thing if I can:  Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you deal with it.
I wish we weren't so far apart.  I'd love to give you a real hug.
Stay strong, you have many friends here.
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #25 on: December 05, 2019, 05:44:18 PM »

Awwe resilient thank you! I can almost feel that hug  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) I know I have friends here. I do so appreciate you all

It sucks, she has slandered me relentlessly for years. Its not new.
I like these people. They are good people. She has slandered the girl non stop for months as well. She says she is immature and  entitled amongs other things.Poor girl does not have a clue. She said the house is filthy...Pretty rich coming from her. God bless them for taking her in.
At least she will put on a show in front of them and not scream at the child and the dog.

She has booked herself to go to work at 8 so she wouldn't even be there to hand the kid over. She works with the new favourite person so its good times all round and every one else tending to her responsibilities.

Nope!! She can gather them together, leave those good people in peace and walk 3 minutes to my car.
I need to avoid her and those around her
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #26 on: December 05, 2019, 09:26:10 PM »

I like how you are setting appropriate boundaries for yourself.
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« Reply #27 on: December 06, 2019, 12:46:08 AM »

I am aren't I? Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

She is not happy with my boundary. The " wells" have started.

" Well if they cancel my shift I am not disturbing anyone at 7am".. Bringing the kid and the dog to me is disturbing everyone.

So shes happy to disturb everyone if the shift goes ahead?

Makes no sense!! If I knock the door the dog goes nuts. The whole house is awake.

I shall not respond
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« Reply #28 on: December 06, 2019, 12:58:33 AM »

Good idea.
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« Reply #29 on: December 06, 2019, 11:48:08 AM »

I got another message. A coherent measage. I have to say I was surprised.
She can't work alone so they may cancel her shift if no one else works. ( She is desperate to avoid the child I gather)
If she doesn't work then she won't wake the child so early.

That all makes sense to me. I don't mind that .

She said I can keep the child for as long as I want. It makes me happy and it makes me sad at the same time.

Last week the little one bravely made an attempt to clear the air , talk about her feelings in order to be closer to her Mother. Her Mother can not see her.

Interestingly, her Father ( my dtr's) who abandoned her long before he physically left the country was the same with her. He was always distracted, uninterested and out of reach. He wasn't mean to her tho. He was ambivalent. He was totally obsessed and attentive to me. This created a competitive issue with me. She saw me as an obstacle.

I think this is the root of her BPD and abandonment. My Sister was/is perhaps a psychopath. She also has BPD. I saw her shake a baby when I was 7 as it wouldn't stop crying . I think there is a bit of genetics at play although my dtr is not violent.

I also made mistakes. My Mother died and 8 months later my partner died in my arms. I was a mess. It lasted a good while
I apologised for my faults, my mistakes and tried and tried to give her a better life. She is stuck replaying old hurts. There is a void nothing can fill.

How sad for us all!!

 Nevertheless I have explained to the child Mum is going through some stuff. She child already knows but I feel its important to validate her perception. She is so switched on. I am determined to break the cycle.

I placed an ad to make friends and have been contacted by a lady who has 2 kids .We are meeting this weekend with the kids weather permitting.

We do what we can ...baby steps
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