Newlywed and my BPD Spouse is asking for divorce

[angeleyes]

We got married in April of this year after a brief courtship...I've since found out that my spouse exhibits many traits of BPD (he hasn't been clinically diagnosed). We went to counseling once but now he refuses to go (I have read that's normal for BPD) but this hot and cold romance is becoming unbearable.  One day he loves me and the next day he wants a divorce. I don't know what to do...I love him and I don't want to lose him but I really want him to get help.  He has no idea that he has BPD. 

I don't have anyone to talk to about this so I am posting here for any advice or support you can give.

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[PurpleElephant]

Hi angeleyes,

Thanks for sharing your story. That's very brave. Reaching out is the best thing to do in order to do some steps forward for your own wellbeing. At least that's my experience.

You say you really want him to get help. That's very understandable! I have exactly the same with my uBPD.

But with regards to him getting help or not, there's nothing you can do. I would even suggest the opposite; don't even mention the "I think you need help" topic.
It's up to him. It has to come from within. Even if he was to seek help after you insisting or encouraging, his motives would be flawed.

Instead, focus on being the best version of You that you can possibly be. First of all for yourself, and secondly for him. He would probably love that you are strong, gentle and kind right now. That's what you can do. Nothing more and nothing less. But don't be fooled. It's a very hard task.

He is obviously struggling with something. He's in a dark place if he questions the marriage in that way.

I suggest reading the books "Stop walking on eggshells" and "I hate you; don't leave me".

They provide all the details about what you can do for yourself. And for him. But it's a hard road to walk.

And last but not least. I would not mention to him that you think he has BPD. You're not a professional. It harms more than it does good. Just know this, or that he exhibits many traits, for yourself.

I wish you all the best. Be strong! You deserve it.

[pursuingJoy]

Hi angeleyes   I want to join PurpleElephant and welcome to our safe space!  

Ugh...just married, hot and cold, loving one day, not the next. This is a painful season for you. Have you been able to identify anything that triggers him?

I agree with PE that self-care is so important. An individual therapist would be a safe place for you to vent. Are you open to that?

We're here. Keep talking.

pj

[LeftBehindGuy]

 Hi Angeleyes,

 Your story hits very close to home for me.  I was married in September 2018 and my now ex wife split town August of 2019. I strongly suspect she has BPD. Things went south for us literally the day of the wedding, and at the two month mark she started mentioning divorce regularly.  I too didn't want to quit and make things work.  She put me through a year of hell (literally the worst year of my life). There was verbal, emotional and physical abuse as well as alcoholism and infidelity.  She even filed a false report.  Fortunately for me, she ultimately took off, and I was able to get the divorce done in 15 days.  I count myself fortunate that she didn't destroy me and that I didn't get her pregnant. I am only 3 months out, but I am definitely still hurting. 

   That being said. I likely would still be with her if she didn't leave, so I certainly understand.  It's my understanding that for there to be any hope here (and there is rarely hope when it comes to BPD) he would need to get into therapy immediately (usually something DBT based) and he would have to stick to it.  If he won't I am not sure what you can do.

    Another book I would recommend is Why does he Do that?   It was helpful for me to understand the abuse.  Please take care of yourself and keep us updated.   
   
   

[angeleyes]

Thank you all for the positive feedback.  I have already begun reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it has opened my eyes to so much. I am learning not to take his explosive rages personally and I can definitely sense a repetitive pattern.  I would never accuse him of having a disorder.  Interestingly enough he recognizes that he exhibits unhealthy behaviors.  He has started a bible study with one of the pastor's at our church and I have been seeing a therapist on my own.  The threats of divorce have diminished somewhat but whenever he gets upset about something he mentions it again, as if he is "reminding me" that it won't take much for him to leave.  Thanks again.  Just reading these posts made me feel so much better.

[pursuingJoy]

angeleyes,    thanks for checking in and letting us know how you're doing. So glad to hear that there's been movement in the right direction.

Keep reading and reach out if you need us! 
pj

[angeleyes]

New update: He finally left 3 weeks ago after a minor disagreement and very abruptly.  His actions following that exit were textbook narcissistic: from immediately blocking me, to telling his family untruths about me to make me out to be the bad guy.  He wrote me an email last week apologizing for being an a**hole (I am cautious to not let him back in). The rejection hurts, especially knowing I stayed through the worst and continued to encourage him to get help.  He finally got on an antidepressant because his mood swings were worsening.  It seemed to help for a few weeks but I have read that there is no medication to treat BPD.  At any rate, I am relieved he is gone and now I am focusing on my own healing.  I am curious to hear any updates from the previous posters on this thread.