Holiday Guilt

[Depression = 72% of members]

My bpd mom treats everyone so badly all year, and then is shocked and angry when nobody invites her to visit over the holidays. She asked me if I would spend the holidays with her alone and not bring my husband and children. I told her that I already have travel plans that I made months ago, so I couldn't travel to her house. She then threatened to kill herself. She didn't. I live across the country from her, so we don't see each other very often. She does live around other family members who also rarely see her because of her verbal abuse. I guess I have a hard time with boundaries because I feel so guilty when I say no to her. I feel like a scared little girl when I have to stand up to her at all. I do talk/text with my mom quite often, but I have horrible anxiety about being around her, but I feel guilty that she doesn't have anyone to spend the holidays with. She keeps bringing up how everyone treats her badly by leaving her out. I'm not sure how to respond to that? She rages if I mention anything she doesn't agree with. How do other people deal with this type of issue and the guilt that comes along with it?    

[kma79]

My bpd mom treats everyone so badly all year, and then is shocked and angry when nobody invites her to visit over the holidays. She asked me if I would spend the holidays with her alone and not bring my husband and children. I told her that I already have travel plans that I made months ago, so I couldn't travel to her house. She then threatened to kill herself. She didn't. I live across the country from her, so we don't see each other very often. She does live around other family members who also rarely see her because of her verbal abuse. I guess I have a hard time with boundaries because I feel so guilty when I say no to her. I feel like a scared little girl when I have to stand up to her at all. I do talk/text with my mom quite often, but I have horrible anxiety about being around her, but I feel guilty that she doesn't have anyone to spend the holidays with. She keeps bringing up how everyone treats her badly by leaving her out. I'm not sure how to respond to that? She rages if I mention anything she doesn't agree with. How do other people deal with this type of issue and the guilt that comes along with it?    

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you reading the challenges you are having with your mom with BPD. You have set many healthy boundaries with your mom including making a life for yourself and spending holidays without her due to her disruptive behaviors. You are wondering about how to deal with the guilt you feel about your mom spending the holidays by herself. You describe yourself as feeling like a scared small little girl when trying to deal with your mom. You are likely remembering how it felt when you were a child and felt powerless to stand up to her. It can be hard to move past these feelings of powerless when the abuse is ongoing and your mom is still alive. My mother with BPD passed away this summer and it was a relief. I finally feel safe and do not have to constantly deal with fearing the next round of abuse and guilt feelings. I am wondering if you might consider going to therapy to talk about the feelings and see if you can get what seems to be like traumatic memories processed to the point that they just don't have that much effect on you. I did EMDR therapy which helps to process traumatic memories. We can decide to access and shut down normal memories when we choose to do so. Traumatic memories are the ones that overwhelm us in the most unexpected moments and are often very difficult to shut down. Some of my past memories of child abuse no longer bother me. The challenge I had is that new traumatic memories were getting created when I had ongoing interactions with my mom with BPD. This is just my story and may or may not be helpful. There are many members on this site who have a mother with BPD and have their own tips for how to deal with a mother with BPD and the challenges with the holidays. Do try to read some of the other posts about the holidays while you wait for other members to respond. We are here to listen and support you, and want to know how we can be the most helpful.

[kma79]

Thank you for your response zachira. I have started to set more boundaries with her, but it has been so hard. I totally agree with you that I feel like a scared little girl because of remembering how powerless I felt when I was young. That feeling is so hard to get rid of. Lately, I have read a lot about BPD and childhood trauma, and I am getting up the courage to start going to therapy. That will probably be the best next step for me. I'm sorry you also had to grow up with a BPD mother, but thank you so much for your reply. It helps a lot to hear from other people! 

[Harri]

Hi kma!

Therapy can help a great deal and is totally worth it.  I am glad you are considering reaching out for help.

You mentioned feeling like a child when with your mom.  I can relate to that as I felt that way for a long time.  That can change though as you work on healing and learn more about your own behaviors and responses that you learned growing up in a dysfunction family.  Therapy helped me a lot and so did the self work I did on my own.  Don't underestimate the benefit of posting here especially when paired with therapy.

Anyway, it is good to hear from you.   

[Methuen]

Hi kma!

I joined this board about 4 months ago when it finally hit me what my mom's BPD meant for me and our relationship...

My bpd mom treats everyone so badly all year, and then is shocked and angry when nobody invites her to visit over the holidays

Maybe because of a combination of zero self-awareness and zero ability to "reflect" ?    With BPD that won't change, unless she wants a diagnosis, and wants therapy.  It doesn't sound like that's the case.  Radical acceptance of the mother I was given was where I had to start.  Kind of sounds like you've done that already because you've moved on with your life.  Good for you!  When our BPD doesn't look for self-improvement, we need to move on, or we let them take us down with them.  I think it's great you booked a holiday and are going away.

I feel like a scared little girl when I have to stand up to her at all.

Keep setting boundaries, and keep looking after yourself.

but I have horrible anxiety about being around her,

You have lots of company on this board.  I'm going to help my mom (83 yrs and very frail physically) decorate her Christmas tree after this, and I'm ALWAYS anxious before any interaction with her, because I never know when the next attack is coming.  I'm learning how to deal with that better though.  It's improving through a combination of many things for me.  Therapy is helping HUGELY.  I have a supportive husband.  I'm constantly learning and informing myself about BPD, I'm working hard to detach emotionally from my mother and stop feeling responsible for her feelings, and this board has been really important for me because the people on here "get it".  None of my friends or my mom's friends know about my mom, so it is hard to feel so isolated knowing nobody knows the truth.  But I'm feeling better than I did 4 months ago, so I guess what I'm saying is that letting go of the guilt is a process.  One of the biggest eureka's for me was when someone on this board told me I should stop feeling my mother's feelings for her.  If we can do that, I think we can feel less guilt.

I feel guilty that she doesn't have anyone to spend the holidays with. She keeps bringing up how everyone treats her badly by leaving her out.

uhuh.  That's the kind of language used to train us to feel guilty, so that they get THEIR needs met.  This may sound cold, but it's not meant to be cold:  "we have to stop feeling their feelings for them" (I wish I remembered who told me that so I could give them credit).  Your mom makes her choices. BPD's don't want to hear from us why people leave them out.  They also can't change their behavior, because of the BP.  In fact, if we tried to help them understand, it would probably blow up in our face.

They have to figure it out on their own.  If they can't, it's still their problem to fix.  We can't keep rescuing them.

So I think's it ok for us to work on letting go of the guilt.

You can still text her over the holidays, so she knows she's not forgotten.

Go enjoy your holiday.
 

[mgirl]

kma, your mother sounds just like my mom. I guess this is how BPD mothers behave like. I am in NC with  my mother at the moment for the last 3, 4 months and I am in therapy and reading everything about BPD. This has helped me a lot getting over the guilt of not being in contact with her and. She caused me a ton of trauma in my life. I no longer feel guilty now that I am not spending time with her or talking to her. It really is very hard, but I cannot tolerate any abuse from her anymore. I'd rather deal with the guilt of not talking to her than putting up with her abuse.

[kma79]

Thank you so much for the responses!

It is so eye-opening to see how many people are going through the same types of things with their family members! I had no idea! I wish nobody had to deal with abuse of any kind, but I feel so much less alone hearing from other people like this.

mgirl, I've had to go NC with my mom over the years several times too. Sometimes it lasted years. Those were the times that I was able to focus on myself and family and was able to feel free. Somehow, I have allowed myself to get lured back in several times with long periods of somewhat normal conversations, but it always goes back to how it was. I agree with your comment about it being better to deal with the guilt than put up with abuse.

Methuen, thank you for your response! "We have to stop feeling their feelings for them" is so true! I have to stop feeling responsible for her feelings. That's a good sentence to keep repeating to myself, because I feel so much pain and anxiety when my mom texts or tells me how terrible she feels or how terrible other people make her feel. I think I have definitely taken on feeling responsible for worrying about her emotional needs above my own, and I totally agree with you about feeling isolated. Even though my husband is really supportive, I find myself hiding some of the things my mom says from him so he doesn't have to deal with it all too, but I know it affects him anyways. I hope everything went well with your mom yesterday, and I hope you have a great holiday too!

Harri, thanks for your response too! I am definitely going to start therapy, and I will for sure keep coming to this site and posting:)

[Methuen]

"We have to stop feeling their feelings for them"

This was someone elses words, and if anyone remembers telling me that after one of my posts/rants about my mom, I would love to hear from you (private email is OK if you don't want to take public credit here).  It was such a "difference making comment" for me.  I would really like to know who you are, and just give you a nod and a  

[Imatter33]

Hi there!
I just want to say i got a lot out of reading this thread. Same boat over here. Went nc with my mom for the first time ever 9 mo ago.
If you want to treat yourself  you can see my posts and things, but lets just say I am working through the guilt! So many of us get this. AND I am also going to take away from here the "stop feeling their feelings for them."
I love simple sentences with staying power!

 

I have to say I live in the same city as my mom, and so it seems to me that moving away would be easier, but after reading many a story like this I know its not, and work has to be done to undo damage, no matter the vicinity to the family member!