MIL & Husband BPD, very triggering to be around his family

[mnmomof2]

I’m not sure my title explains my issues very well. My husband has been diagnosed with BPD. He’s not very assertive about managing it at all.  Basically, the best coping mechanism has been my putting up very strong boundaries against his behaviors for my own mental health.

Something is very very wrong with my MIL. I don’t know that she has been diagnosed with BPD. She has been serious hoarder in the past (rats under her bed), she continually lies about unimportant issues, she talks manically non stop for hours, she is always seriously late, she was a horribly neglectful mother (kids sent home for smelling, etc.) There’s a lot more, but you get the gist.

The issue is I can’t stand being around her and the some of his family. Her behavior is ignored, humored or normalized. She consistently behaves in ways that really cause issues - lateness, selfishness, etc. When my husband is with her, and them, he pretty much devolves back into supporting her behavior and the dysfunctional family patterns. I can ignore a lot of this, but not when I get up being effected personally by this behavior. On their own, I could care less what anyone does. But when I am late for a flight bcs he got sucked back in, I see red.

I can’t be the only person who is married to a spouse with BPD who gets triggered when they see unhealthy behavior caused by in laws with similar emotional issues.

How do I get less triggered when forced to be in their company? Which is rare, but it happens and I am absolutely miserable. Seeing her display the same upsetting traits that my husband does, and seeing him line up with her, is really hard to handle.

[pursuingJoy]

mnmomof2, I'm in a very similar boat. You're not at all alone. I have a H with BPD traits who is enmeshed with my BPD MIL.

From day one, she's exhibited a complete lack of boundaries. She desperately wanted to move in with us when we got married. I dodged a bullet when she decided the homes we found weren't good enough for her. She called me by H's ex-wife's name for a year and a half, got drunk the first time she met my mom and told her very intimate, inappropriate information about my H, would walk in on me peeing to talk to me, gave back gifts I'd given her saying she'd never use them, and on and on.

I agree with you...the hardest part of all of this is not her behavior, it's when my 'husband lines up with her.' I felt many times that he was choosing her over me, that I was an outsider when I was with them. They are so close, kiss on the mouth, talk every day, have joint accounts. They have little regard for their impact on me.

He is unable to understand why I feel he is 'choosing' his mom because what they have is his normal. We've been in marriage counseling for five months. Have you tried that, or even individual therapy? I have learned to take time for outlets like writing here, talking to friends, therapy, whatever helps.

We are working on some baby steps, frustratingly slow for me, very difficult for him. Baby steps include limiting the information he shares with his mom, not asking her for money (financial dependence), and setting time limits on our visits to her house. The last one is a huge challenge for him, he worries about her.

There are a few others on this site that are in our situation and I'm hoping they'll chime in. I've also learned a LOT from others on this site who are in my husband's position. What's the hardest part for you? What do you need right now?

pj

[mnmomof2]

The hardest part for me is how difficult it is for me to not be triggered when I see him “slide” back into unhealthy patterns when he is around them. I rarely have to be with his family, but it’s brutal for me when I have to be with him and I see him become so dysfunctional. And it usually involves throwing me under the bus in some fashion. I think it’s a by product and not necessarily intentional, but it’s so painful to experience it.

Again, I give him space and I am non responsive to anything that happens when he is with them and I’m not there. It’s none of my business. I’m fine with whatever goes down.

They say BPD can be genetic. I feel so alone in this. There must be other people out there who deal with a BPD spouse and BPD in-laws?

[pursuingJoy]

Can you share what it looks like when he's sliding back into unhealthy patterns or how he throws you under the bus? I'd love to hear more.