Newbie and scared

[Aquasim291]

This is my first post on this site. I found out about these support groups while reading a self-help book. My husband has not officially been diagnosed with bpd and I had never heard of it until about a month ago when I finally had enough and looked for support in the form of counseling (myself). I am worried about how my husband's mood swings are affecting my children and my own health and well being. Originally, I thought my husband may be depressed with ptsd, but a therapist suggested that it could be possible that he has bpd. I had never heard of this so, naturally, I googled it. I was shocked to find that he fit 6-7 of the common symptoms. I began reading Stop Walking on Eggshells which felt weird since I had confided in my husband that I felt like we all have to walk on eggshells around him. When I started reading this book last night, I broke down. I felt relief that I wasn't alone, but also a deep sense of sadness and fear. How do I move forward? I know I can't say anything about this to my husband which already feels like I'm betraying him by withholding this newly found information and my suspicion that he may have bpd. The beginning of the book sort of made me feel like treatment was hopeless, especially for someone who denies that they have a problem and need help. Any advice for beginners would be greatly appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello, Aquasim! Welcome to the family!

I could have written this post a little over a year ago (minus the children). I, too, felt the relief as well as the fear from reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and the stories on this site. It can be overwhelming, can't it?

You're right, you can't say anything to your husband -- or you shouldn't. We always advise people not to. It's better if a diagnosis (if one comes at all) comes from a professional. And I struggle with the secrecy. My H takes honesty very seriously and HATES the idea of people talking about him behind his back. Yet he has no idea I suspect BPD or that I participate in this community. I feel guilt, yet I also believe this is best for him and for me -- and for us.

Anyway, as I said, it can all be overwhelming. But we're here to help you walk through this. There are a lot of tools you can use that can start to make your situation better. It takes patience and effort, but it can happen.

One way to go is to break it off into bite-sized pieces. So, to start, what would you say is the most problematic behavior you struggle with with your H? Can you give a detailed description of a recent incident? That can help us know how to help you best.

Again, welcome! And hang in there. We're here to help!

[Rev]

I know I can't say anything about this to my husband which already feels like I'm betraying him by withholding this newly found information and my suspicion that he may have bpd.

Hi scared,

I'm not going to say much here because you've already got a good start from one the site's ambassadors.  I went through the same fears. It's normal. And I understand the feelings of betrayal.  They're kinda normal too.  But I don't hear you betraying ... I hear clarity in your voice. I hear you delving into yourself to find a footing upon which to stand.  I hear no malice in your voice - betrayal is an act of malice and cowardice. Your are neither of these things.

Blessings on your journey.

You have come to a good place.

Rev

[Rev]

Hi Aquaism,

I'm not going to say much here because you've already got a good start from one the site's ambassadors.  I went through the same fears. It's normal. And I understand the feelings of betrayal.  They're kinda normal too.  But I don't hear you betraying ... I hear clarity in your voice. I hear you delving into yourself to find a footing upon which to stand.  I hear no malice in your voice - betrayal is an act of malice and cowardice. Your are neither of these things.

Blessings on your journey.

You have come to a good place.

Rev

[Aquasim291]

Thank you, Rev and Ozzie. I appreciate your support. Ozzie, it's hard narrow down a specific problem at the moment. It seems like so much. I'll pick one to start with. If I do anything without him, like visit friends, take the kids somewhere or drive to visit my parents (2 hours away), he will find a way to sabotage my time away. I've lost friendships because I've turned down so many invitations, not gone to good friends' weddings, missed out on reunions and isolated myself from my family rather than having to deal with his rants. He will call/text me nonstop if I'm with friends and he's with the kids at home, asking me random questions like where the remote to the TV is. If I don't know he blows up on the phone telling me that we need to talk when I get home, effectively jacking my anxiety up full blast and making me not enjoy my 2-3 hours with my friends. More recently, he tried to ruin my brother's wedding because I was apparently "ignoring him" because I didn't want to watch videos on his phone with him. To be fair, he had just returned from being away at work for 12 days, but I didn't feel it was the best time to watch the videos when my brother was having his first dance. I tried to get my H to dance with me or chat but he was offended that I wasn't making this about him.

[Rev]

To be fair,

Dear Aqua...

Please hear this as the most loving and sincere words - as if I were holding your hand or sitting having coffee or in a prayer or meditation group - those words "to be fair" are the very first ones the pwBPD (especially one with NPD tendencies which it is what he is sounding like - make it about him) will turn around and around on you until you have lost all your bearings. 

You said the book walking on eggshells made you cry - did you know that it is available on audio for free - here's the link:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QY4JZJonCs

I'm not saying you should leave him or if you should stay at all costs. I am suggesting that you owe it to yourself to take a step back an get your footing. 

Is some of this resonating with you?

Continue to reach out.

Your kindness shows.

Rev 

[PurpleElephant]

When it come down to you visiting friends or family alone, keep on doing that!

But it requires strength up front. Tell him with f.e. a small Dearman chat or message what is going to happen, and stick to that firmly.

"(D) On Saturday my parents are serving dinner. (E) Visiting them is important for me because it makes me happy to see them and spent some time with them. (A) I will drive to them in the morning at 10am and I'll be back at 10pm. I am planning to bring the kids. (R) The kids also love to see them.

Don't ask for permission. Just inform him. And do as you say. Stick with it. Be strong, gentle and calm.

When he responds with anger, stay calm. Listen to him. Really listen, don't just pretend. Make eye contact. Make sure he sees that you're listening, that you are interested in his emotions. And validate them.

But stand your ground. This is what you want to do, it's important for you.

You say he will try to ruin the trip for you while you're gone. That he calls you. Angry. Consider saying up front that you don't accept that. That he can always reach out, but if he's angry you will hang up, not answer until you're home again because you want to enjoy the time with the children and your parents.

You have the right to take care of yourself. And enjoy that time. He has the right to express his opinion and feelings but not at the cost of ruining your trip. Then you have to put a stop to it. In a respectful, calm, strong and gentle way.

Be confident. You don't have to leave him, or take a step back. It's all up to you. Only you can make such decisions. But if he's part of your life he has to accept that you take care of yourself. That you enjoy life.

Be strong

[Aquasim291]

Thank you everyone. This is going to take some practice and confidence building on my end, but I am proud of myself for starting to take steps to improve my life and my children's. I appreciate your kind words and advice.

[Ozzie101]

You're getting some good advice here, Aquasim. While my H's behavior isn't as extreme as yours sounds like, I, too, know about the struggle over family and friends. Family has been a big cloud since we got married.

But it is SO important to keep those ties. Even in the face of anger and threats. That's a form of control and manipulation that can leave you isolated and vulnerable (physically and emotionally) and it's vital that you stand your ground. Be empathetic. Be loving. But be firm.

It will take work and practice and it's likely to elicit negative reactions from your H, but it is possible to stay the course. Set in your mind that this is the right thing. That's what I've done. It's still a struggle, but it is getting easier in some ways. I'm fortunate in that my H is pretty self-aware and accepting -- when he's not dysregulating.