Confusing traits

[Friend333]

Hello,

So to start, I'd like to say I'm pretty cognizant of borderline traits. The person in question isnt my "significant other" but close enough for this topic (not romantically involved, just extremely close). I know about idealization and devaluation, splitting terms, etc. I do not wish for any questions on the activities that happened, they have their own reasons for them, and that is not what is to be discussed, please.  That said, I can NOT make sense of these at all, Im not asking for "this is definitely it", but maybe some other thoughts on the matter might help clarify.  I am currently split (my fault, and I know why) but theres some strange things going on with it.

Her -> she is a "quiet" bpd, internalized conflicts and everything that goes with that.

Situation 1) I've seen her split people black. I mean thats it. Done. However, before she fully splits, she will actually talk to them. She shows me the texts and stuff, and sometimes its "justified" honestly, other times it was like ... wow that seems over the top to me. After this talk stage, she does not entertain them at all ever again. They can text or call, or whatever all they want, they are gone. 

Me on the other hand, she didn't give me this "talk" period.  Not until a few weeks later I said I cant do this any more and then she texted me. It seemed nice at first and then I dont even remember it just devolved back again into square 1. Why would she not respond to anything else (I wasn't flooding her, I'd text her 2-3 times a week saying I miss you and hope youre well kinda stuff), but then after I say I cant do this any more she texts me and then almost immediately goes back to gone? Like why bother at all there? I dont recollect any specific offenses, but I guess thats not up to me.

Situation 2) Fast forward a bit. Wanting some closure, not able to contact her via any means, I wanted her to take my pictures down off her instagram.  I  never used instagram before so I wasnt sure how it worked, so I clicked on my picture and asked her to take it down. Instead of taking it down (and the others), she sent me some really snide comments publicly.  I was super irritated; and after figuring out how messaging works, I sent her a message (firm but still very polite) to take my pictures down.  I told her lets be done with this and move on. She says "fine ill take them down"; and I say ok. I check back the next morning and all but one are taken down. This one was very prominent and was me and my dog. I sent her another message saying cmon you said you would.  Instead of taking it down, she adds some taunt images on her profile. (one was a hand cut off "Ill cut my hand off before I reach for you again", the other was a picture of her boyfriend with his dog in a remarkably similar fashion... These were absolutely taunts. She wouldnt respond to anything. I waited 5 days. Still wouldnt take mine down!  (WHY? WHY TAUNT ME?) So I sent her another message saying fine, Im going to report the post then.  I report it and it gets taken down fairly quickly. I was seriously amicable the whole time and wasn't rude at all. Why did she refuse to remove the last one?  Either dont respond at all, or delete everything. This leaving that picture up is hurting my brain .

Situation 3) Heres where Im confused... still on instagram messenger... I learn ALL about the restricted feature . Thats fine. At this point I was pretty upset at her for acting like a child about it, and basically I started just airing out my dirty laundry. Why would she never block me here? Its so obvious. If she blocked me, dont have to deal with me. Then she'd respond something to what I was saying then disappear for another day.  That parts fine, but why not just block me? Why even respond?

Situation 4) this is where we gotta skip ahead again. She wont really talk but she actively reads me.  I basically made her a deal to take me off restricted all the time or ban me if you want me gone and no further issue.  She complied and took me off restricted. If she wanted to taunt or annoy me, shed leave me on restricted, no? Why would she entertain one trust move, but just halt there?

Situation 5) I have noo idea if its related, but after my reported pictures got deleted, she wound up deleting a ton of her other ones like right after.  She has pictures from years ago, these were mostly recent pictures. Just seemed super strange?

Situation 6) Was looking for pictures and shed have posts on days we had fights. They were like, "cute" pictures, but we had a bad fight on a couple of different days. Is this like some affirmation seeking behavior?  Like I know she was crying all day and night about it, but stopped to post a cute selfie and caption?


A lot of her behaviors seem very specific to me. Im not super sure why I get the "special treatment" here, but I do know the taunting behaviors is really perplexing. She KNOWS im stubborn, and while I wasnt inflammatory i did make it very clear I wasn't going to stop checking until it was gone. Again the whole blocking thing would have solved this just fine.

Any help or input is much appreciated.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Hi Friend333! I'm relatively new to BPD and I feel like some more technical responses to your questions might help, but I did want to jump in and make some observations. I will also respect your request not to ask clarifying questions about the situations. Tell me what you think!

Situation 1) I've seen her split people black. I mean thats it. Done. However, before she fully splits, she will actually talk to them. 

Me on the other hand, she didn't give me this "talk" period. 

I know BPD's are super sensitive to rejection, even perceived rejection. Without knowing details from the other situations, I'm guessing this is the reason she treated you differently...she perceived your statement of "I can't do this anymore' as rejection and perhaps that's why you didn't get a talk like the others. Just a thought.

Situation 2) Fast forward a bit. Wanting some closure, not able to contact her via any means, I wanted her to take my pictures down off her instagram.  I  never used instagram before so I wasnt sure how it worked, so I clicked on my picture and asked her to take it down. Instead of taking it down (and the others), she sent me some really snide comments publicly. 

I report it and it gets taken down fairly quickly. I was seriously amicable the whole time and wasn't rude at all. Why did she refuse to remove the last one?  Either dont respond at all, or delete everything. This leaving that picture up is hurting my brain .

I think you handled this situation as well as you possibly could have! Great job!

Situation 3) Heres where Im confused... still on instagram messenger... I learn ALL about the restricted feature . Thats fine. At this point I was pretty upset at her for acting like a child about it, and basically I started just airing out my dirty laundry. Why would she never block me here? Its so obvious. If she blocked me, dont have to deal with me. Then she'd respond something to what I was saying then disappear for another day.  That parts fine, but why not just block me? Why even respond?

Situation 4) this is where we gotta skip ahead again. She wont really talk but she actively reads me.  I basically made her a deal to take me off restricted all the time or ban me if you want me gone and no further issue.  She complied and took me off restricted. If she wanted to taunt or annoy me, shed leave me on restricted, no? Why would she entertain one trust move, but just halt there?

From what I've read and experienced, sending mixed messages is something is very common to BPD. It's the push/pull thing, I hate you, but love me. Perhaps it is easier for her to cleanly split people she's not close to and cut them off. People that are closer to her might experience more of this ambivalent behavior, the pushing/pulling.

Situation 5) I have noo idea if its related, but after my reported pictures got deleted, she wound up deleting a ton of her other ones like right after. Just seemed super strange?

Super hard to say what this is about unless you talk to her about it. My daughter does this with her social media accounts occasionally for a thousand reasons.

Situation 6) Was looking for pictures and shed have posts on days we had fights. Like I know she was crying all day and night about it, but stopped to post a cute selfie and caption?

I'm guessing this is a form of self-soothing, a way to cheer herself up on a bad day. Again, hard to say without asking her.

Ok to ask how you're feeling about all of this?

pj

[Friend333]

Thanks for the response.

I have my own mental health issues, nothing like BPD though. I am unfortunately an empath/high sensitive person as well as obsessive/impulsive (I have a diagnosis, its just not relevant). A lot of my "hurt" was the confusion and lack of understanding of MY actions, not hers. I don't let anyone control me, no one can ever manipulate me; I can, however, manipulate myself. I was wracking my brain for weeks beating myself up, not understanding anything.  Timeline of the split was also mega ridiculous (literally 3 days from all to none). I was under no delusion I'd "Fix her" or anything, and my emotional pain is admittedly more selfish. I can wrap my head around that shes sick and this really isnt her fault. Shes responsible for her actions, but I dont hold any malice to her for the ridiculous stuff.
 
I randomly came across some threads here, as well as reading up on some things that allow to self sabotage like that. I've known Im an empath from years ago, as I demonstrate schizoid traits because of it.  I randomly came across a post here about an empath and it all kinda "clicked". Its just an unrelenting feedback loop. Even the "bad stuff" was still only adding fuel to the fire. Over time it was just us ping ponging back and forth these reciprocating good feelings about each other. Build that up over months and it was basically a ticking time bomb. I paid for my hubris about what I thoughtI  knew about BPD; and I've frankly never met one before. It seems to me that empaths would be better "suitors" than NPD's in my head. NPD's wouldnt necessarily care about the BPD, where empaths feed off it.   

Ultimately, how do I feel? At first, I was a mess. I couldn't let it go at all. I had to figure out how to placate her and find out what I need to do to get her to stop splitting me. This was compounded by my personal mental health issues. Over a couple months I spent more and more time reflecting and analyzing MY actions and behaviors and what I could have done better, what I could have done for myself (boundaries being enormous here). Culminated with an "a-ha!" moment. Ultimately? Glad it ended when I did. I wasn't ever going to set boundaries, and god knows where it would have ended up if it kept on. Yeah I miss my friend, duh. Yeah I miss that "feeling" I've never gotten from anyone else. The good times were great, the bad times were ... empowering? Im not sure how to phrase it. Im taking some time to focus on myself and what I need to do to better myself, and think about what I'd do if she'd want back in my life.  If/when it comes to that, I'll be far better equipped to handle it for both myself and her sake.

[Friend333]

Don't see an edit button anywhere.

I accidently skipped over something.  One thing that really bothers me... like REALLY bothers me... apparently when I'd text her (at any time) it would "give her anxiety attacks" and cause her "great concern for her safety". Im not going to tell her how she feels, I certainly know I wasn't trying to be oppressive and I was *certainly* not being harassing in any way that can be construed as "unsafe" by any rational person (hell, I even asked people to double check just in case I was the one being crazy). And I'd to reiterate she gave me zero feedback, no responses, and  no indication of anything other than an ambigious "i just need some more time"   on rare occasions.

Of all the things to do or say... "concerned for her safety"? Ive seen her use that one on someone else too. I at first tried to understand it as "mental health safety", as in im stressing her out in a dangerous way. Im TOTALLY on board with that, but her roomate kindly corrected me it to mean like shes afraid im going to hurt her? Like what? I understand push pull and making excuses and stuff, I just figured theyd be at least somewhat grounded in a realistic way. Im not overly concerned with her saying it, it doesn't affect me at all; I just literally cant sort the leap from "I miss you" to "this makes me feel unsafe", even in a less than rational brain.

[Harri]

Hi 

cause her "great concern for her safety"

For pwBPD, their emotions become facts and they will often act on them or say things as if they are fact.  BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation so it is not a matter of them being less rational but more a matter of their being emotionally dysregulated.  What they feel in the moment is fact to them.

Does that help? 

[Friend333]

I can grasp that part ok mostly. I omitted other things she's said to/about me; because thats where I put them. I.e. shes called me emotionally abusive, selfish, and was "trying to manipulate her". I can see how an appeal to her good graces could be construed as manipulation. "hes just trying to say nice things in order to hurt me again" or some other generalization. I can even understand how even hearing from me would cause a cascade into anxiety attack. 

Im just failing to see any connection of behaviors or actions that could be remotely taken as hostile, aggressive or threatening. Now it is not my place to say what she is or isnt feeling. If shes feeling unsafe then shes feeling unsafe. There reason I care so much about "sorting" this is if in the future we do wind up recovering, I would like to be best equipped to manage, mitigate , or explain my actions to avoid that as a future scenario. She had mentioned it to me once almost in passing. The first time I basically said I apologize you feel that way, basically explained it wasnt my intention for her to feel that way at all. In my head I was thinking (rightfully so I might add)  she was discussing "safety" as in a "self harm" or suicide standpoint. If my presence is causing bad vibes to swim up to a point it may cause her to have an episode, then yes I get it.

The 2nd time it was explained that she is actually afraid Im going to physically attack or abuse her. This one does cause me concern for 2 reasons. 1) if some white knighter that shes confiding in hears about big bad me "threatening her" or "Abusing her"... well they might do something stupid.   2) legal/other ramifications. The "telephone effect" here could be her telling a person she feels in danger, to that person telling someone else shes afraid for her safety, to that getting lost somewhere into "hes physically abusing her" as a statement of fact. Let that swirl around for a while and who the heck knows what could come of that one. I hope that concern makes some sense.

I know Im probably chasing my tail here, but it does bother me quite a bit. Theres no way a normal person would read my messages and come that conclusion. But likewise, any activity I AM doing that is making her feel unsafe is not something I want to continue doing, intention or otherwise.

[pursuingJoy]

Friend333, it sounds like you're working hard to let her feel her own emotions and you're trying to understand her perspective.

I can understand how you'd feel a little nervous about how her statements about safety might be taken by others. On a practical note, how much contact do you have with her right now? Do you have the same circle of friends?

[Friend333]

Well admittedly Im cool now, but when I was at my peak emotionally, I wasnt quite as controlled. Having that codependency thing really altered my persona dramatically. Im more in control of my faculties now.

Right now contact is 0.  I have a couple people that interact with her infrequently, but they are well and truly versed on the situation completely. Not concerned with them. The problem I have is a lot of her friends are ... lets call them unscrupulous. The other problem is shes quite an influencer in the "alternative" scene. Many many thousands of people follow her, she has an honest to god fan club,  and yeah... its kind of on my brain if shes sayin stuff like that.


FWIW shes a "quiet"/"covert" bpd that comorbids with histrionic.

[pursuingJoy]

An influencer with some histrionic traits? I can understand why you'd be concerned about her starting trouble online. I might suggest steering clear of giving her additional material to work with. Hopefully she'll move forward and find new topics to focus on.   

I think it's pretty normal for all of us to act a little different when we're emotionally distraught. You sound pretty self-aware.