11 years of struggle

[Depression = 72% of members]

I want to start by stating that my wife was diagnosed with depression almost 11 years ago, but has not been diagnosed with BPD.  I don't know if BPD is what's going on with her, but the exceedingly high level of conflict over the years and massive emotion swings along with immature emotional responses (eye rolling, pushing past me, slamming/shutting doors in my face) have always left me feeling isolated and wondering what's really going on.  Since she's not been diagnosed with anything other than depression, I don't want to offend those that are dealing with loved ones who have been diagnosed.  If I have overstepped by joining, I do apologize.  I just am hoping to have our story heard.  I phrase it "our" story because my wife is truly a fabulous human being and quite loving and caring.  Her issues are almost solely with those closest to her.

The story begins over 11 years ago.  About 1 year into a beautiful and loving relationship based on faith, family, and friends she started to pull away from me emotionally.  The first super-charged angry moment I remember is her coming into the bedroom of our apartment before work and screaming at the top of her lungs about me leaving a glass on the table and our cat could have knocked it over.  She furiously slammed the door.  It's a moment I simply will never forget.

She actually went to a therapist on her own volition, nothing to do with the above incident, and wound up being diagnosed depressed.  She was talking to me condescendingly all the time and had started the emotionally abusive behaviors.  Because I was not in a firm place career-wise and hadn't been in a truly long-term relationship before, I wasn't sure what to make of it all.  I am a very grounded and self-confident person, but there were and have been times that has been shaken.

We stayed together through the depression and wound up getting married.  Things had gotten better for the most part.  I know that because I have journals.  Believe me, writing journals was such a great decision.  I have re-read them and it helps me to understand where I've been and who I am.

We had our first child 8 years ago and early on with him things were good.  She was understanding that she wasn't always handling emotions well.  But the issues rose rapidly when we moved from an apartment into our current house and the stresses really piled up.  Both of our jobs were about 45+ minutes to get to and I often worked lengthy hours or worked at home after getting him to bed.

One night she was screaming at me while I was trying to rock my 2 year old son to sleep and she was inches from my face and pointing her finger at me.  I don't even remember what she was yelling about, but I remember trying to back away and she'd get even closer.  I finally grabbed her wrist and pushed it away from me.  I felt awful even though I had felt defenseless.  She actually said "And now he can see you're violent."  Looking back I would hardly say I was violent, but I was not happy at all with my decision, even though I'd tried to talk to her and tried to walk away.

But the odd thing was that a few days later she said we should have another baby.  Now, I know for 100% fact I was wondering to myself why she would want us to have another baby if a few days ago she thought I was violent.  Obviously I'm not, but she almost acted as if the scene hadn't happened.

I have always wanted 2 or even 3 kids, so I definitely wanted a 2nd and I thought maybe completing the family was the answer.  In a way it certainly was, but it complicated things and the early times were very dark for both of us.

My daughter was much more challenging as an infant and this made things very difficult.  All I have ever wanted is a team effort and honesty about what we each could handle.  Rather than being honest that she couldn't handle as much as she wanted, my wife would blame me or make it sound like I 'should' be doing the lion's share.

I was working upwards of 10 hours, not including drive time, then taking care of both kids once home and getting them in bed.  After that I would work a few more hours.  Still, I would have to be the one to wake up with my daughter at 2 or 3 AM because I'm much more patient and I didn't have a problem with it.  But it was tough when she'd come in and scream "Shut that baby up!"

This was about the time that the verbal/emotional abuse really ramped up.  Useless, stupid, dumb, idiot, a-hole were just a few of the names I heard and I already mentioned the immature emotional responses like eye rolling and heavy sighing.  I largely handled and still do handle them the right way, saying not to talk to me like that or saying I don't feel that response is warranted.  However, the degree and consistency of these things really wore me down and I have regrettably abused back with name calling or other frustrated responses.  I feel horrible immediately and apologize immediately most of the time.

I admit that I have been nasty to her in response to the emotional abuse.  And I frankly feel outside of myself when I do so.  The difference as I see it, is that I can "come back" very quickly.  She won't, usually.  She'll sometimes stew for the whole day or longer.

Money was an issue for a long time and she would be utterly nasty to me about almost any money I spent, but would never agree to a budget and spent a lot more money than I ever did.  I remember one exchange where she got angry with me for going to lunch at a fast food place and then went to a nice restaurant with a friend that night.  It was frustrating that somehow me spending $5 for lunch is worse than the $40 you were going to spend.

But I got promoted at work and wound up eventually working from home and things got better.  It was a roller coaster a lot of the time, but the highs were a little better and the lows weren't as low.  But the problem I have is that it's obvious this was happening because the stress was lessening and the kids were getting a little older and easier.  While I understand it's natural for things to improve when stress lessens, it still was really bad between us much too often and the fear of what she'd be like when stress hits has been tough.

I wound up actually eventually getting a new job with a new company that was better paying by a considerable amount.  Even when things had gotten better with us at my prior job, money was always a problem.  I'm realizing now that a lot of that was projecting from her.  She knew she was the problem, but she'd blame me rather than own her issues with spending what we couldn't afford.

With my new job things very much looked up.  There was still too much anger from her and it's always been odd.  I've told her that it's never been about being mad, it's always been the level of anger.  For a long time there was no "gauge"; everything was nuclear.  It was strange because I have made some wonderful gaffes over the years, likely attributable to some form of attention issues.  I have left windows down on the car, the garage door open, even left the car door open one time.  That one was more that I didn't check to make sure my daughter had closed it.  Still 100% my fault, though.  And yes, she went nuclear on these.  But she would also do so when I would spill a drop of mayo on the floor or get the wrong cereal or something else ridiculously insignificant.  I can't tell you how many times I heard "What the hell's the matter with you?" over, in my opinion, extremely minor things.

But all of these things I held in so much, until January of this year.  I found out one night that she'd been having an affair with her ex.  I remember being crushed and humiliated, but WAY more confused.  I mean way more.  I knew it wasn't a lack of love for me, but I wasn't sure how to feel.  I told her immediately that "You are not a 'pick your name'" because she isn't.  At all.  And even though it made almost no sense, it didn't truly feel like I'm not enough or not adequate enough for her.  I have largely battled with those emotions over the last 11 months because logic would dictate I'm clearly not if she stepped outside our marriage. 

But ultimately I didn't and don't get that sense or feeling.  She actually was shocked to hear that I felt humiliated and inadequate.  It was just so obvious that it was about so much more than me.

When the storm of emotions settled over the next few weeks, I was able to get a few answers.  Not enough, but I did get some.  She admitted that she sometimes drinks to get away from her feelings.  I wasn't surprised to hear that, but I was grateful she felt comfortable telling me that.

I then started addressing the money issue.  She agreed she spends too much, but we talked about how it's the search for fulfillment.  She buys fleeting things like makeup and clothes that build up her self-esteem.

I think the affair was a search for self-esteem boost too.  She talked early on in our dating relationship about how she had felt manipulated by him.  She actually said "He ruined me".  I remember hearing that and feeling like that was a strange comment.  How can anyone ruin you?  You are who you are.  Anyway, I recently asked her if the affair felt like him giving back to her something he'd taken away and she said that might be some of it.  A few months back I sent her an article on trauma bonding and asked if that's what she felt happened back when they were dating and she said "could be".  I told her I was sure that was tough to admit it was even a possibility, but it opened up a lot of things.

There's a lot more, but this is a start anyway.  I apologize for the length of this, but I've largely bottled up this over the years and it feels almost cleansing to put out there.

I re-read this and I feel comfortable that this doesn't put my wife in a negative light.  I know she loves me.  She's actually told me that I'm the best person she knows.  When she "wears" her love for me, I still float on clouds.  She just holds those emotions in a lot.  She is a beautiful woman with a tremendous heart, though.  I'm trying to deal with everything and how I can best be there for her.

I'm grateful to anyone who took the time to read this.  And please know that I am there for any of you who have a story to share.  Thanks! 

[Smokin]

I want to start by stating that my wife was diagnosed with depression almost 11 years ago, but has not been diagnosed with BPD.  I don't know if BPD is what's going on with her, but the exceedingly high level of conflict over the years and massive emotion swings along with immature emotional responses (eye rolling, pushing past me, slamming/shutting doors in my face) have always left me feeling isolated and wondering what's really going on.  Since she's not been diagnosed with anything other than depression, I don't want to offend those that are dealing with loved ones who have been diagnosed.  If I have overstepped by joining, I do apologize.  I just am hoping to have our story heard.  I phrase it "our" story because my wife is truly a fabulous human being and quite loving and caring.  Her issues are almost solely with those closest to her.

The story begins over 11 years ago.  About 1 year into a beautiful and loving relationship based on faith, family, and friends she started to pull away from me emotionally.  The first super-charged angry moment I remember is her coming into the bedroom of our apartment before work and screaming at the top of her lungs about me leaving a glass on the table and our cat could have knocked it over.  She furiously slammed the door.  It's a moment I simply will never forget.

She actually went to a therapist on her own volition, nothing to do with the above incident, and wound up being diagnosed depressed.  She was talking to me condescendingly all the time and had started the emotionally abusive behaviors.  Because I was not in a firm place career-wise and hadn't been in a truly long-term relationship before, I wasn't sure what to make of it all.  I am a very grounded and self-confident person, but there were and have been times that has been shaken.

We stayed together through the depression and wound up getting married.  Things had gotten better for the most part.  I know that because I have journals.  Believe me, writing journals was such a great decision.  I have re-read them and it helps me to understand where I've been and who I am.

We had our first child 8 years ago and early on with him things were good.  She was understanding that she wasn't always handling emotions well.  But the issues rose rapidly when we moved from an apartment into our current house and the stresses really piled up.  Both of our jobs were about 45+ minutes to get to and I often worked lengthy hours or worked at home after getting him to bed.

One night she was screaming at me while I was trying to rock my 2 year old son to sleep and she was inches from my face and pointing her finger at me.  I don't even remember what she was yelling about, but I remember trying to back away and she'd get even closer.  I finally grabbed her wrist and pushed it away from me.  I felt awful even though I had felt defenseless.  She actually said "And now he can see you're violent."  Looking back I would hardly say I was violent, but I was not happy at all with my decision, even though I'd tried to talk to her and tried to walk away.

But the odd thing was that a few days later she said we should have another baby.  Now, I know for 100% fact I was wondering to myself why she would want us to have another baby if a few days ago she thought I was violent.  Obviously I'm not, but she almost acted as if the scene hadn't happened.

I have always wanted 2 or even 3 kids, so I definitely wanted a 2nd and I thought maybe completing the family was the answer.  In a way it certainly was, but it complicated things and the early times were very dark for both of us.

My daughter was much more challenging as an infant and this made things very difficult.  All I have ever wanted is a team effort and honesty about what we each could handle.  Rather than being honest that she couldn't handle as much as she wanted, my wife would blame me or make it sound like I 'should' be doing the lion's share.

I was working upwards of 10 hours, not including drive time, then taking care of both kids once home and getting them in bed.  After that I would work a few more hours.  Still, I would have to be the one to wake up with my daughter at 2 or 3 AM because I'm much more patient and I didn't have a problem with it.  But it was tough when she'd come in and scream "Shut that baby up!"

This was about the time that the verbal/emotional abuse really ramped up.  Useless, stupid, dumb, idiot, a-hole were just a few of the names I heard and I already mentioned the immature emotional responses like eye rolling and heavy sighing.  I largely handled and still do handle them the right way, saying not to talk to me like that or saying I don't feel that response is warranted.  However, the degree and consistency of these things really wore me down and I have regrettably abused back with name calling or other frustrated responses.  I feel horrible immediately and apologize immediately most of the time.

I admit that I have been nasty to her in response to the emotional abuse.  And I frankly feel outside of myself when I do so.  The difference as I see it, is that I can "come back" very quickly.  She won't, usually.  She'll sometimes stew for the whole day or longer.

Money was an issue for a long time and she would be utterly nasty to me about almost any money I spent, but would never agree to a budget and spent a lot more money than I ever did.  I remember one exchange where she got angry with me for going to lunch at a fast food place and then went to a nice restaurant with a friend that night.  It was frustrating that somehow me spending $5 for lunch is worse than the $40 you were going to spend.

But I got promoted at work and wound up eventually working from home and things got better.  It was a roller coaster a lot of the time, but the highs were a little better and the lows weren't as low.  But the problem I have is that it's obvious this was happening because the stress was lessening and the kids were getting a little older and easier.  While I understand it's natural for things to improve when stress lessens, it still was really bad between us much too often and the fear of what she'd be like when stress hits has been tough.

I wound up actually eventually getting a new job with a new company that was better paying by a considerable amount.  Even when things had gotten better with us at my prior job, money was always a problem.  I'm realizing now that a lot of that was projecting from her.  She knew she was the problem, but she'd blame me rather than own her issues with spending what we couldn't afford.

With my new job things very much looked up.  There was still too much anger from her and it's always been odd.  I've told her that it's never been about being mad, it's always been the level of anger.  For a long time there was no "gauge"; everything was nuclear.  It was strange because I have made some wonderful gaffes over the years, likely attributable to some form of attention issues.  I have left windows down on the car, the garage door open, even left the car door open one time.  That one was more that I didn't check to make sure my daughter had closed it.  Still 100% my fault, though.  And yes, she went nuclear on these.  But she would also do so when I would spill a drop of mayo on the floor or get the wrong cereal or something else ridiculously insignificant.  I can't tell you how many times I heard "What the hell's the matter with you?" over, in my opinion, extremely minor things.

But all of these things I held in so much, until January of this year.  I found out one night that she'd been having an affair with her ex.  I remember being crushed and humiliated, but WAY more confused.  I mean way more.  I knew it wasn't a lack of love for me, but I wasn't sure how to feel.  I told her immediately that "You are not a 'pick your name'" because she isn't.  At all.  And even though it made almost no sense, it didn't truly feel like I'm not enough or not adequate enough for her.  I have largely battled with those emotions over the last 11 months because logic would dictate I'm clearly not if she stepped outside our marriage. 

But ultimately I didn't and don't get that sense or feeling.  She actually was shocked to hear that I felt humiliated and inadequate.  It was just so obvious that it was about so much more than me.

When the storm of emotions settled over the next few weeks, I was able to get a few answers.  Not enough, but I did get some.  She admitted that she sometimes drinks to get away from her feelings.  I wasn't surprised to hear that, but I was grateful she felt comfortable telling me that.

I then started addressing the money issue.  She agreed she spends too much, but we talked about how it's the search for fulfillment.  She buys fleeting things like makeup and clothes that build up her self-esteem.

I think the affair was a search for self-esteem boost too.  She talked early on in our dating relationship about how she had felt manipulated by him.  She actually said "He ruined me".  I remember hearing that and feeling like that was a strange comment.  How can anyone ruin you?  You are who you are.  Anyway, I recently asked her if the affair felt like him giving back to her something he'd taken away and she said that might be some of it.  A few months back I sent her an article on trauma bonding and asked if that's what she felt happened back when they were dating and she said "could be".  I told her I was sure that was tough to admit it was even a possibility, but it opened up a lot of things.

There's a lot more, but this is a start anyway.  I apologize for the length of this, but I've largely bottled up this over the years and it feels almost cleansing to put out there.

I re-read this and I feel comfortable that this doesn't put my wife in a negative light.  I know she loves me.  She's actually told me that I'm the best person she knows.  When she "wears" her love for me, I still float on clouds.  She just holds those emotions in a lot.  She is a beautiful woman with a tremendous heart, though.  I'm trying to deal with everything and how I can best be there for her.

I'm grateful to anyone who took the time to read this.  And please know that I am there for any of you who have a story to share.  Thanks! 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Smokin-

Welcome to our community.  I’m sorry for the pain and confusion that brings you here, but glad you’ve found us.  You’ll find a family of people here who truly understand the behaviors and feelings you’re experiencing.  I found this site in spring 2017, when I searched the phrase “unprovoked rage in men”, 3.5 years into my relationship with my uBPDbf (undiagnosed BPD boyfriend).  I too recall the first rage, it was over a pair of pliers.  That is now over 6 years ago and I’ll never forget the violence of his words and the names he called me.  I did cut him off, but forgave him after a week or so of his apologies and begging... ah well...

Although none of us here are in a position to diagnose, some of your W’s behaviors do sound like BPD traits.  Have you heard of the book Stop Walking on Eggshells?  That’s a good place for you to obtain some insights and I understand it’s available on audio.

I’m really sorry about the affair, my friend.  As personal as that feels, I’d encourage you to try and NOT personalize her actions.  It seems There is a pit of emptiness that inhabits those with BPD;  and if they cannot or do not address that emptiness in a healthy way, their actions can sabotage everything they truly hold dear. 

Does she continue to address her search for “fulfillment” with you?   How did you learn about her infidelity?  Does she commit that it has ended?  What type of emotion or remorse does she express around hurting you?  In conversations about this, Does she express how she would feel if you were to have an affair?

I apologize for all of these questions.

I am of the mindset that with the proper tools and willingness, things CAN improve if your partner does not swing too far over on the NARC traits.  To me, one indicator of this would be if there are signs of the ability to feel (or learn to feel) empathy.  My exH (19 years) was NPD... NO hope, and I knew nothing then except I twisted myself inside out trying to keep that man happy - until he threw me across the room one night.  Marriage over.  Different story with my BPDbf (I think..)

Smokin - this site is chock full of amazing tools to get you started on your journey toward understanding your W, reducing conflict and improving communication.  I don’t know how to do links, so please look through the TOOLS, WORKSHOPS... and scroll first through “Learning NOT to JADE” (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  That is invaluable. 

The next item is learning to VALIDATE.

Third, I’d look through the section on “Reducing Conflict” - Stop Making it Worse.

As you work your way through things, you’ll get to establishing boundaries, which represent YOUR values.

But this is a LOT to begin with...  slow and steady wins the race.

And finally, stop triggering - Mindfulness.  Very good stuff.

Smokin-  there is so much to learn.  So much... but here’s the thing.  Something that seems forgotten at times is that there’s often a reason that WE are in these relationships.  A reason why years pass BEFORE we speak up.  You’ve got to look at yourself, my friend.  And that’s hard, but please do it.  You’ll likely uncover some things.  And you deserve your attention.  Your children deserve your attention.

One last thought.  Self-care is important.  Friends, hobbies, exercise.  I like the saying “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep another person warm.”

Your W had these traits when you met.  You didn’t cause her illness and you cannot cure her or “love” her to wellness.  She’s got to play an active role in managing her emotions and your marriage.  I hope and pray that she does.

Sorry for the lengthy response.  Again, welcome and please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Smokin]

Gemsforeyes,

Thank you so very much for the response and the kindness.  There is and has been so much going through my head and you hit the nail on the head many times.  The most obvious for me is two-fold; don't make it worse and don't make it about you.  I succeed so much better with her when I follow those and fall flat on my face when I don't.

I'm glad you mentioned validation.  Again, I am much more successful when I validate rather than invalidate.  I actually texted her a link about validation versus invalidation the other day because I feel like she's been invalidated throughout her life much more than validated.  I love my father-in-law and he's a great man, but he's very much invalidating and negative to her and it seems it's always been that way.  And I gather that her ex that she had the affair with was the same way.  I've read that girls tend to gravitate toward guys that give them the type of attention their father did.  It's one of the reasons I handle my daughter the way I do.  I screw up a lot, just as any parent would, but I do my best to validate her as much as I can.

She's 5 years old and her emotions are through the roof.  I remember one time she had her nails painted and one chipped off right before bed.  She had such a massive tantrum, demanding they get repainted.  I got down on my knee, smiling sadly at her, and told her I understood she was sad.  I said I'd be upset in the same circumstance, but it was bedtime and we couldn't repaint them tonight.  It took time and patience to get there, but she eventually calmed down.  I wish I could say I do that well with her every time, but I don't.  Still, I feel like I can help her learn the coping and managing emotion skills she'll need. 

Anyway, my point in bringing up my daughter is that my wife often "picks" on her and even as lovingly as she does it I tell her to be careful because my daughter might not take it the right way.  She also looks/acts shocked when my daughter has an overly-emotional response.  I've told her that it would be great if she could channel her own big emotions and help her rather than yell because she was probably very much like that at that age.  She once said "I was not that bad" as far as the emotions and I told her I felt like she more likely wasn't allowed to be.

I appreciate the questions and they are terrific ones, for sure.  Interesting you ask about her searching for "fulfillment" with me because I think that's one of the root issues and can be a partial explanation of the affair. 

She's never had to win or gain my approval/validation, it's always there.  It always has been there.  There's not really a need then, if you know what I mean.  I actually had a good "call out" on that one.  We were at dinner before a concert a few months back and I talked about how she's never need to seek my approval, but it seems like she has with her dad and her ex.  At first she was calm, but she slowly started picking faults and things.  I was kind at first, but I finally stated that I felt she was doing this because of how uncomfortable the truth I put out there was and I walked ahead of her.  It took a minute, but she caught up to me and held my hand and put her head on my shoulder.  The problem is she seems to not be able to allow me to be enough.  Same with my kids.  She's awesome with them a lot, but awful with them way too much. 

And again, doesn't seem to let them be enough.  She's said she wants another baby.  In fact, she brought it up on our first "date night out" after the affair as we were trying to piece this marriage back together.  She actually said it was all she could think about.  Since the other guy hadn't been wearing protection, I had to point out the flaw in thinking.  I remember her looking at me with an almost "I hadn't thought of that" look.  Blew my mind, but makes sense given her need for fulfillment.  I've explained to her, though, that we should only have a third child if we're able to fulfill them, not the other way around.  I know she truly understands that, but when she's drunk she still talks about getting rid of her birth control.

To answer you about finding out, I found out from a less than innocuous text.  I knew that they had been talking, but since he was married with 3 kids and things had really gotten back on track in a lot of ways with us I let it go.  But when I saw "Wish I was there, LOL" I had to question her.  She lied at first, but I could tell and I pushed and she confessed. 

The worst night of my life, I felt at that time.  But I have to say that, in some ways it may wind up at least being the thing that saves us.  I have a hard time believing that, but knowing it's not me helps.  More than that, though, I go back to what I said in my original post that when she "wears" her love for me it's honest and beautiful.  I just feel like she's scared to truly love me, or more that she's scared of those feelings.

She did commit to it being over with him, but I can't get her to delete his number.  I was nice about it, but I let her know it's a bad idea to leave open the chance for contact because she's seen they can't be friends and he's obviously manipulative.

Her emotions/remorse and empathy around hurting me float greatly.  I remember one time, very shortly after I discovered about the affair I tried to talk to her.  I was soft and tearful and her face looked as angry as it could possibly have, like I was wasting her time.  However, another time I sent her an e-mail about what I was feeling and she texted me right away stating she was sorry for how I was feeling and that she does love me and would work on showing it more.  It was immensely sincere.  We had a great back and forth at that time.  I've gotten a lot of "I don't know" answers and I've acknowledged that I believe that and understand that.  I just feel like we should look to try to understand better. 

I posited the question about how she would feel if the situation were reversed and she acknowledged she'd be hurt.  The way she talked/talks about it, I don't get any sense of entitlement on this front.  Very much so on others, but not with regards to the affair.  In fact, a few months ago I told her I just always wished that sex with me was the best she had.  She literally said "Of course it is!" and not in a way to placate me.  It sounded absolutely sincere.  It was just another piece of this not being about me. 

I like your bringing up the narc traits part because that's what a lot of my journals were about back in the day.  All of the crazy never felt like she was trying to tear away my self-esteem or anything.  None of the comments felt real.  She had a few "moments" that fell on that side, though.  One time she got in my face and started telling me things that I was and truly challenging my self worth.  She didn't realize her mom was around and when she heard her behind her she got the "oops" look on her face.  Her mom didn't hear what she said, but it left me feeling like she was unloading something rather than feeling that way about me. 

It's one of the many reasons I wouldn't be surprised if this other guy is a narc.  I've tried to get her to tell me more about their past and she's come around a little, but I'm hopeful to get more.  I feel like he did the love bombing because she said things were great at first before he "turned" on her.  I have asked her if some of the things she does to me are things he did and I can tell by the look on her face that's true.  Also, I do know that he cheated on her when they were dating and she only found out a couple years ago.  He apparently up and left her and everyone else and moved away.  She tracked him down and confronted him for closure.  Evidently he moved back here not long after and they got back together before she finally broke it off for good.

Perhaps the biggest thing you hit the nail on the head with, though, is self-realization.  Why am I in this relationship?  I'm a person of faith and I believe that God gave me the love I have for her.  I also know that I have not always handled things well or right.  I have screwed up in ways that make me cringe.  I am a highly emotional person myself, but I've typically been good at managing those emotions.  Until I got in this relationship and have tossed around the boat.  But I'm working on understanding where i fit with it all and how I can handle myself best.

Thanks very much for caring!  I'm sorry that you were in a bad marriage and that it took true violence to end it, but I'm happy you are safe and it seems like you're in a good spot.  At least good enough to care for others and that's what I'm looking forward to doing with this board.  Thanks again!