Leave me alone - but please stay here - I need you.

[PurpleElephant]

Second post.

I really hope for advice or supporting words. I'm having a hard time this weekend. Thanks everyone one more time for all the kind words.

I struggle specifically with one thing. After 10 years and 4 children BPDgf has told me she can't continue with me anymore. That it's over. It went from 10 briljant years (despite her BPD behaviour) to her being absolutely outrageous almost every day. But I've written another post about that, let me stay on track about the specific issue.

This all resulted in us renting an extra house in town. It's where I spent some nights, and she as well (but it's mostly me).

Sometimes she wants the weekend alone. With the children. And that hurts me so much. Because all I want is being home with my family. One of the children has specific needs. It's almost Christmas. Etc.

But here is the confusing, hard part. Whenever she asks me to stay away, and I do that, she keeps on contacting me. Non stop. Sometime it's about the children. Sometimes she asks if I can come by to help. Or just have a coffee. Or get something from the shop. It doesn't matter, the bottoms line is that she relies heavily on me. All the time. It is as if she can't be without me.

Sometime she tells me two exact opposite things in almost the same sentence. "You have to stay away this evening, it's what I asked you. You have to respect that. Are you going to repair (item X) tonight? It really needs to be done, it's almost Christmas."

And then I come back (or stay in the first place) because there's nothing more I want; being home with her and the 4 children.

The short summary is that she can't figure out if she wants me around, or not. Whenever I'm gone, she tries everything in the book to make sure that I'm around anyway. I'm still her rock, like I've been for 10 years.

Lately she has also opened up more again, after many weeks of pretty much blocking me out emotionally.

It's an unbearable limbo. I dream of telling her, "Let's drop the rental house. I'm coming home, and we will have it good all together."

But I know that would mess her mind up right now. But on the other hand, all her actions and communication points in the direction that she wants to be close to me. All the time. There doesn't pass an hour without communication. I would describe it as her being addicted to me. Relying on me. And remember, this is after she has said it's over.

She's very alone. And so am I, when I'm not around. What are we doing to each other? Can this pattern be broken or reversed?

Does anyone have experienced this? What did you do?

When alone, the silence kills me. No sounds of children. Nothing. But it's just to wait an hour. Or two. Then my phone rings: "You want to come over for coffee?"

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NoliTimere]

Hi PurpleElephant,

This sounds like a really difficult situation for both of you. I can understand why you feel confused and that you want to be with your family.

I don't have exact experience in what you describe, but broadly speaking, I think it's quite common that BPDs express contradictory emotions (a lot of push/pull).

It sounds like there's a lot of mixed messages from her. Since it's obviously very painful to be told to stay away from your family, I think  it might help for your partner to realise that there are consequences to her actions and that if she pushes you away you can't effectively be there for her.  I would try to make clear that staying away means staying away; being present, means being able to fix things and help out. So, in short, I would advise against extended text message conversations/phone calls or going there for coffee/helping out when she's asked you to stay away. You can answer in a nice way (someone else on here might have better skills in exactly how to phrase it) and say that you can't do these things since she's asked you to stay away. You can set a time frame for when you two can discuss it again - 2-3 days, a week, whatever feels like a good time frame. At that point you can help around the house and do the tasks that your family/children need.

The difficult thing with this strategy is for you to make peace with staying away a little. It's extremely hard to be away from one's family, so you'll need to rely on a lot of coping mechanisms (line up some social engagements, try out a hobby, be active, talk to people you trust).

But keep in mind that she can't have it both ways, since this is painful for you and it doesn't lead to a happy stable home life.  This pattern isn't just about her confusion, it's also about yours. You want to end the cycle, but you can't do that without changing your role in it. To change the cycle will involve some (hopefully temporary!) pain and challenges for both of you, but ultimately it can be very worthwhile.

I hope that helps a little. And hang in there. You're not alone, even if you have to be apart a little. See other family members, friends, talk to people on this messaging board.

[PurpleElephant]

Thanks for your insights. It means a lot to me.

I've read several books as well and your suggestions (her actions need to have consequences in order to break the cycle) I've seen before. And I understand the logic in it.

I just can't help feeling that it would do more harm than good. She's longing for my presence and help. And on my side that's exactly what I want as well. So why not give in?

I'm so scared that setting those boundaries and living up to them would start a negative spiral. Where she would think things like "see, now he's done with me. I don't deserve him. He's leaving me." or even harsher "you don't want to be there anymore? Fine, I'll move on then".

Which would all result in bigger distance between us, which finally would result in a real break up.

She's a very proud woman. The fact that she keeps on reaching out is actually a very positive sign in my eyes. And I don't think I have it in me at this moment to do as you suggest.

Does anyone have experience with this? I feel so torn. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is anymore. I get the logic of your suggestion, but my gut feeling tells me I should give in.