BPD and Intimacy

[strugglingBF]

Want to bounce this off the board.  Would appreciate as many responses as possible, as this is one of my biggest struggles with my suspected BPgf.  Because there is much chaos in our relationship due to BPD tendencies, it is hard to gain any momentum in the intimacy department.  We never kiss unless it is a quick kiss goodbye or goodnight.  She refuses to kiss while we are intimate.  When we are intimate, for her it is a "let's get this over with" mentality.  She enjoys herself and and gets hers every time, but I feel like I am constantly having "one night stand" or meaningless sex.  She tells me she just isn't an intimate person, and that intimacy is uncomfortable for her.  Yet, she can turn it on at times when the stars align.  The big hurdle that is difficult with her is that intimacy for women is mostly tied to emotion and closeness, but it is extremely hard to create that type of atmosphere with the constant disruptions caused by BPD tendencies.  I find myself sometimes having an awesome day with her and thinking we are on track for some physical intimacy today.  Then, out of the blue, a BDP epidsode will turn my day upside down and wipe away all this intimate momentum we had going.  She will never approach me for sex.  Everything in that department is on my shoulders.  And frankly, many times I am scared to even bring it up.  Love her to death, but I do not want a relationship without intimacy.  I am not even thinking about looking around to get it elsewhere.  I want to make that clear.  All I want is an intimate relationship with this woman.  This mindset is new for me, as in my younger more immature years I would have started testing waters elsewhere.  It also seems like the times we do have sex most frequently involve alcohol.  So it is hard not to take that as, "she only wants to have sex when she is drunk".  I also feel like there are times when she gets angry at me, many times over very smalls things that healthy couples handle in stride (a differing opinion about a news story,  a small miscommunication about plans, etc.), that I get punished by being cut off from sex.  That could be her getting thrown off by small events and just simply not wanting it for weeks.  She doesn't rebound from small arguments well.  She needs days, sometimes weeks, to move on and put it behind us.

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[Stillhopeful4]

So it is hard not to take that as, "she only wants to have sex when she is drunk".  I also feel like there are times when she gets angry at me, many times over very smalls things that healthy couples handle in stride (a differing opinion about a news story,  a small miscommunication about plans, etc.), that I get punished by being cut off from sex. 

I can relate.  I have been married for almost 10 years.  My BPD W and I had great and lots of sex in the beginning (always involved alcohol).  I would say in the past 9 years we only had sex 4 or 5 times and I use to say the same thing.  She only wanted to have sex when she was drunk.  It's been very hard...not going without...but just not having that intimate connection with her.  She moved out 3 months ago.

Best of luck to you.

SH4

[pursuingJoy]

strugglingBF, not sure what to say, but I do want to respond as this is one of your biggest issues. I think for most people, emotional intimacy is really important to feeling fulfilled in a relationship. I can relate somewhat, I guess because I'm a woman, because I lose interest in sex when the emotional connection isn't there. I have to remind myself that withholding is manipulative and passive aggressive. Constantly refusing impacts the relationship negatively and sometimes it's important to prioritize it, even when we don't feel like it. One partner always having to initiate, and only showing interest when you're drunk can start to feel like a version of rejection.

Mostly I want to validate your experience. I think the way you feel is normal and I applaud you for opening up about it and posting this here.

I'd love to know more about why you're scared to bring it up, if you're open to sharing that. I'm also curious if you've told her you'd like it if she initiated sex sometimes.  I also wonder if there are any resources out there for couples...there have to be. Would she be willing to work through a book with you?

Keep talking. We're here.
pj