Do i think right, and why am i scared?

[Yoke]

Hi again. Now it has gone 7 months since my ex broke up and disappeared.. i still go to in theraphy but have only 4 times left there. That makes me terrified because I do feel it helps me, he helps me see things in another way, helps me think another, and he comfort me. And am afraid that i will be lost when i quit there.. But i understand that i need to stand on my own soon, and maybe it about time?. I have also signed up on a datingsite few weeks ago and got contact with a woman. Started to talk, and she has a similar story like mine with a rs of abuse.. so both her and me are scared of going into a rs again. But we met on Saturtday, took a drink at a bar, sat for hours and talked. We have been talking online for a while, everyday.. she attracted me with her personality and her look. She is very different from my ex. And that is good i think! We talked and there was something clicking.. and we started to kiss eachother. Nothing more. Then when we were going home, she said" i really like you and i would like to take u home, but since i feel there is something that could be something with us, i am not inviting u home.  That i felt was nice. Because i really liked her. But yesterday she said, when we talked, that she wants to see me again next weekend. But she also told me she that she wants to take it easy , very easy..and that she wants to text other also. That made me feel a bit sad. Sad and a bit like PLEASE READ. Sad because i  really like her, and dont know what to do. Like PLEASE READ because i kissed her..that i exposed myself like that but i miss nearness and i did want to kiss her. I really do like that woman.! I miss love and a partner.! I miss to touch and be touched. But am so terrified to get hurt again, belive in someone and then they decide to leave me..And on saturday it is one year since i engaged my ex.. it makes me sad.  But that is something i really thought was for real.  But i cant care about it. That rs would have destroyed me totally. Am glad that am alive! But this new feeling, have a desire for someone who does not know yet what, that scares the hell out of me... what shall i do?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Yoke, 

I'm so glad you posted and reached out to your family here!

First I am so glad to hear that you have been in T (therapy).  That's awesome, and I'm really glad it's helpful. Is there any chance you would be approved for more visits over a longer period of time? Don't ever feel as if you suddenly have to be able to stand on your own and be done with the good help that T offers. Even if you are not able to go back to T, there are options such as finding healthy friends and healthy activities to guide you and anchor you from the loneliness and fear that wants to overcome at times. I know because I have been there too.

Who do you have in your life besides your T that is a support to you? It sounds as if you are still quite vulnerable and definitely afraid of a repeat of the last relationship you had. You are wise to be cautious. Have you talked with your T about the new relationship yet?

Wools

[Yoke]

Thanx @woolspinner200. I have been here ever since my ex broke up and left in May. And no  i have just 3 times left with my therapist. Then am done. Otherwise i have to pay about 300$ each week and that i dont have. I have not going into a new relationship yet, just dated once.. but yesterday it solved itself.. she , the date texted me and told me she does only want to see me as a friend.

Excerpt "
It sounds as if you are still quite vulnerable and definitely afraid of a repeat of the last relationship you had. You are wise to be cautious. " Yes! Am still terrified of meet someone again, date , or get emotions for someone new. I lived in a " hell i called love".. physical verbal abused for 8 months.. so yes. There is deep wounds in me. But at the same time i do wish more than ever that to fall in love again. And share my life with someone. I feel lonley, empty and my body miss nearness, to care, to love and be loved.. but its not easy to find someone. Trust me. And it terrifies me that maybe i end up alone.. it would kill me... maybe i was too emotional on the date, maybe i was not ready and scared my date so she changed her mind?

[Will2Power]

Hi,

Being scared of getting hurt again is a major part of post-BPD relationships. You are not alone.

I can’t tell you what to do, because that wouldn’t be right. I do, however, want to normalize your fears and feelings of being very afraid.

Kudos to you on dating again after your recent breakup/relationship - you are very very strong and it’s inspiring.

If you’d like, I’d encourage you to lean into the discomfort of this new relationship. While it may not work out, it also may work out. (If that makes sense!)

Fear of vulnerability, anxiety, second guessing- all of this comes after a breakup with a borderline. I know it did/does for me.

I can’t say what works for everyone but I do believe that sometimes it behooves us to ignore the fearful voice in our minds and go for it. You are also part of this community now, and we are here to support and help you, should you need it.

Taking things slow is good. Do things at the pace you feel comfortable, and never forget that you are 50% of the relationship too, and can make decisions here.

We are here for you! You are seriously an inspiration for getting back out there. I know how hard it can be. Believe me.

Sending love. Please feel free to reply and let me know how this lands with you.

[Yoke]

Thanx @will2power.
Excerpt
have also signed up on a datingsite few weeks ago and got contact with a woman. Started to talk, and she has a similar story like mine with a rs of abuse.. so both her and me are scared of going into a rs again. But we met on Saturtday, took a drink at a bar, sat for hours and talked. We have been talking online for a while, everyday.. she attracted me with her personality and her look. She is very different from my ex. And that is good i think! We talked and there was something clicking.. and we started to kiss eachother. Nothing more. Then when we were going home, she said" i really like you and i would like to take u home, but since i feel there is something that could be something with us, i am not inviting u home.  That i felt was nice. Because i really liked her. But yesterday she said, when we talked, that she wants to see me again next weekend. But she also told me she that she wants to take it easy , very easy..and that she wants to text other also. That made me feel a bit sad. Sad and a bit like PLEASE READ. Sad because i  really like her, and dont know what to do. " 

A few days ago the women i dated texted me telling me she had thought about it all and wanted us just to be friends... she wanted to date others and she thought that we did not have the same goals in the future.. how can you know decide that when u only have met once? I dont understand it. But i dont know. I really liked her, but now she is also gone so nothing to do..

Excerpt : Kudos to you on dating again after your recent breakup/relationship - you are very very strong and it’s inspiring. 

 Do you @will2power think its early to date again? Its been 7 months now..since the love of my life disappeared.. and my ex started to date someone new 3 weeks after she vanished. At least she said, and i do think she was telling the truth. I belive she already met someone before she broke up with me..how do u find and date someone 3 weeks after a long rs?

[Will2Power]

Do you @will2power think its early to date again? Its been 7 months now..since the love of my life disappeared.. and my ex started to date someone new 3 weeks after she vanished. At least she said, and i do think she was telling the truth. I belive she already met someone before she broke up with me..how do u find and date someone 3 weeks after a long rs?

I’m sorry your ex moved on so quickly like that. It had to have been very difficult to understand how they could move that fast. Remember: if they have BPD, this behavior is common. I don’t say that to minimize your feelings, but rather to normalize the fact. It doesn’t have anything to do with you as a person: this is pervasive, maladaptive behavior brought about by a fear of abandonment real, or IMAGINED (even though you tried not to perpetuate it.)

I can’t answer if it’s too soon to start dating again for you or not. Sometimes we need more time to heal, and other times some of the healthiest thing we can do is go out and meet people. I think it depends on where you feel you are at in your healing. It sounds like you are very afraid of something similar happening. Let me ask you this: if you saw a pwBPD now, would you be able to spot it, given all of your experience with you ex? I’m willing to be that your experience has made you more keen to who is healthy and not so healthy to date.

There is the inevitable rejection piece that comes with dating. Regardless of how hot you are, how kind you are, how smart you are, etc.. That part is possible, which is, in part, what is so scary and intimidating about “getting back out there” in my opinion. If you can accept that not every single person you meet will be your new partner, and rejection is a possibility, then I think you’re ready. I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m just shedding a light that this may be an indicator. Additionally, I am a believer in meeting new people despite feelings of fear. Do I have an exact metric for when that should be done? Definitely not. To me, 7 months seems appropriate but I am not you.

Let me ask you to reflect:

1. What are you most fearful of in meeting new people

2. How do you feel you have learned/grown from your relationship with your expwBPD?

3. What do you believe are pros and cons of dating and meeting new people?

Only you’ll know if you’re really ready, but I’m still rooting for you to lean into the discomfort if at all possible. It gets easier and easier the more you do it. If you are not ready for potentially getting rejected, and things not always working out, then maybe make some more time to heal. But there is nothing wrong or bad about moving forward with your like, and desiring company

Remember: 99% of our relationships don’t work out (if we are seeking monogamy). Because only 1 person is going to be right!

As for you ex who took three weeks, their reasoning for that is much likely drastically different from why you seek partnership. My ex did the same thing to me, but he cheated during the relationship also so...*sigh*

The point is, they have done a lot of damage to us. But in my opinion, it doesn’t mean we have to stay away from other people and wait until we “love ourselves again” if meeting someone new interests you highly. The right person will be understanding of your past, and appreciate you even if you’re different than you we’re before. I wouldn’t necessarily disclose that on the first date, but you also have to be yourself.

I waited to tell my current partner who does not have BPD, about my ex until we were dating for about a month. I was very reserved and scared at first, but now we’ve been together two years and moving in soon. He also keeps talking about engagement! Ahh! I’m telling you: there are people that are going to understand, and that are going to love you the way you’re meant to be loved. The way you deserve to be loved.

It sounds like you’re somewhat ambivalent about dating again. What do you think? I’m in full support of it, but I also understand the scary reality of getting back out there.

You deserve happiness and love.

[Yoke]

Thanx @Will2Power.
Excerpt" if you saw a pwBPD now, would you be able to spot it, given all of your experience with you ex? I’m willing to be that your experience has made you more keen to who is healthy and not so healthy to date. " Yes i would be able to spot it, because of my experiences with my ex.

"Let me ask you to reflect:

1. What are you most fearful of in meeting new people

2. How do you feel you have learned/grown from your relationship with your expwBPD?

3. What do you believe are pros and cons of dating and meeting new people?

Answers
1: To get hurt and abused by them
2: I am a different person now, i have grown another way of see people in my life, wich friends who are my true friends,  how i see life, what i do want, i do show my feelings now wich i did not before, i have learned from my ex that not everyone is good people and have good intentions, i have learned to listen, and SEE the other person
3. Pros: i need to do it because i really do want to be love and give love! I want a partner in my life. Cons: i might get hurt by finding the right one"

Excerpt: As for you ex who took three weeks, their reasoning for that is much likely drastically different from why you seek partnership. My ex did the same thing to me, but he cheated during the relationship also so...*sigh*"   I just dont understand HOW she could start dating someone new after 3 weeks? Was not oir rs worth something at all, was it not something to grief of, made her sad that it ended?.. I do now think that maybe she had already met someone new, and made a scene and broke up with me, accusing me for things that did not exist, just to cut the rs and start a new one.. or maybe she did hate me thinking in her mind i was evil... but the hardest thing is not know WHAT i did or that i never got a closure... it breaks my heart..litterally.

The point is, they have done a lot of damage to us. But in my opinion, it doesn’t mean we have to stay away from other people and wait until we “love ourselves again” if meeting someone new interests you highly. The right person will be understanding of your past, and appreciate you even if you’re different than you we’re before. I wouldn’t necessarily disclose that on the first date, but you also have to be yourself. " - Yes. The person i am now, i showed it to the date, i didnt hide anything while we were chat, because i want to start a rs with honesty, ( wich i did with my ex all the time). And start a conversation when i meet someone new by telling everything of who i am, my past, my fears, be vulnerabe, sensitive, be patient and really see the other one etc..- my ex and i made a misstake there because we were so in love, attracted  to each other in such huge way, that we had sex , intense sex, wanted to just be together that we forgot to "talk" about eachother, get to know eachother first.. that misstake i will never do again. Understand me?

What i still dont know if my ex has Bpd? Its just that the signs are there: push-pull, jelaousy, huge rage, drive reckless, intense sexdrive, isolate me from my friends, a traumatic childhood, breakups-makeups,.. do you @Will2Power think she might have it?  There is two parts of me , one is that I am so scared that i am wrong about it and with that the huge guilt and thought of that maybe it is all MY fault she just vanished.. that everything she accused me for was right of her to do..
The other part knows that I did not try to harm or hurt her in any way!  I am not perfect, but i am not an evil person. I do did things that i have could made different: like not using my phone so much, conentrated more on her than my phone, opend up myself to her in the beginning, let her know all of me , talked much more, but she started to accuse me soon in the rs , that made me a bit reserved, so i could not open myself first as i wanted. I did everything to LOVE her, but its not easy to do when you are frightend to make her angry, leave sudden?  She hurted me everytime she brokeup with me, always by textmessage? ( why i stll wonder?) The huge rage.. it was not easy at all for me, but i never stop loving her. There is no excuse for her behaviour because "normal" people dont do so to their partner, under no circumstances what so ever. .. so i know in my heart i did everything i could for her..

Its just so hard for me to forget her.. the no closure with a textmessage with huge accusations of pure rage of hate.. that  ripped my heart out. Today its her birthday and it is also the date :one year since i bought 40 red roses and put a ring on her finger.. got engaged. A year ago it was the best day in my life. I was soo happy! Today... i feel empty, and it all just hurt today.. and i just want this day to be over...

[Yoke]

Thanx @Will2Power. 
Excerpt" if you saw a pwBPD now, would you be able to spot it, given all of your experience with you ex? I’m willing to be that your experience has made you more keen to who is healthy and not so healthy to date. " Yes i would be able to spot it, because of my experiences with my ex.

"Let me ask you to reflect:

1. What are you most fearful of in meeting new people

2. How do you feel you have learned/grown from your relationship with your expwBPD?

3. What do you believe are pros and cons of dating and meeting new people?

Answers
1: To get hurt and abused by them
2: I am a different person now, i have grown another way of see people in my life, wich friends who are my true friends,  how i see life, what i do want, i do show my feelings now wich i did not before, i have learned from my ex that not everyone is good people and have good intentions, i have learned to listen, and SEE the other person
3. Pros: i need to do it because i really do want to be love and give love! I want a partner in my life. Cons: i might get hurt by finding the right one"

Excerpt: As for you ex who took three weeks, their reasoning for that is much likely drastically different from why you seek partnership. My ex did the same thing to me, but he cheated during the relationship also so...*sigh*"   I just dont understand HOW she could start dating someone new after 3 weeks? Was not oir rs worth something at all, was it not something to grief of, made her sad that it ended?.. I do now think that maybe she had already met someone new, and made a scene and broke up with me, accusing me for things that did not exist, just to cut the rs and start a new one.. or maybe she did hate me thinking in her mind i was evil... but the hardest thing is not know WHAT i did or that i never got a closure... it breaks my heart..litterally. 

The point is, they have done a lot of damage to us. But in my opinion, it doesn’t mean we have to stay away from other people and wait until we “love ourselves again” if meeting someone new interests you highly. The right person will be understanding of your past, and appreciate you even if you’re different than you we’re before. I wouldn’t necessarily disclose that on the first date, but you also have to be yourself. " - Yes. The person i am now, i showed it to the date, i didnt hide anything while we were chat, because i want to start a rs with honesty, ( wich i did with my ex all the time). And start a conversation when i meet someone new by telling everything of who i am, my past, my fears, be vulnerabe, sensitive, be patient and really see the other one etc..- my ex and i made a misstake there because we were so in love, attracted  to each other in such huge way, that we had sex , intense sex, wanted to just be together that we forgot to "talk" about eachother, get to know eachother first.. that misstake i will never do again. Understand me? 

What i still dont know if my ex has Bpd? Its just that the signs are there: push-pull, jelaousy, huge rage, drive reckless, intense sexdrive, isolate me from my friends, a traumatic childhood, breakups-makeups,.. do you @Will2Power think she might have it?  There is two parts of me , one is that I am so scared that i am wrong about it and with that the huge guilt and thought of that maybe it is all MY fault she just vanished.. that everything she accused me for was right of her to do..
The other part knows that I did not try to harm or hurt her in any way!  I am not perfect, but i am not an evil person. I do did things that i have could made different: like not using my phone so much, conentrated more on her than my phone, opend up myself to her in the beginning, let her know all of me , talked much more, but she started to accuse me soon in the rs , that made me a bit reserved, so i could not open myself first as i wanted. I did everything to LOVE her, but its not easy to do when you are frightend to make her angry, leave sudden?  She hurted me everytime she brokeup with me, always by textmessage? ( why i stll wonder?) The huge rage.. it was not easy at all for me, but i never stop loving her. There is no excuse for her behaviour because "normal" people dont do so to their partner, under no circumstances what so ever. .. so i know in my heart i did everything i could for her.. 

Its just so hard for me to forget her.. the no closure with a textmessage with huge accusations of pure rage of hate.. that  ripped my heart out. Today its her birthday and it is also the date :one year since i bought 40 red roses and put a ring on her finger.. got engaged. A year ago it was the best day in my life. I was soo happy! Today... i feel empty, and it all just hurt today..