I don't want to take steps backward...

[Depression = 72% of members]

The silver lining of the nc with mom has been the new and supportive relationship with my Dad.

He paid child support, saw us when he was permitted, and was certainly loving in his way,  but he has maintained an aloofness in his role as a Father for many years after we all reached adulthood. (No doubt some of this happened as result of a super strict custody agreement that I  believe resulted in "friendly feelings" toward him, but not a strong stereotypical Father/Daughter bond.

That being said, he has really surprised me and has stepped into the role of proud grandpa and been there for me (my stepmom as well) in this season of change. I would classify his role in my life as a supporter, but I find it is still tricky.

 I am concerned there is some well meaning triangulation?

I put the boundary in place that I won't talk to my siblings about my mom. Dad knows this and he doesn't go there with them, but occasionally when Dad is communicating to them about holidays or how they are doing...  I am getting things told back to me that I didn't ask. 

For example, I recently told my oldest brother that I wouldn't discuss my nc decision any further with him. We haven't communicated since.

 My Dad invited my bro to family christmas and my brother said well I haven't decided if I can go because "Imatter" (me) will be there." My Dad apparently took it upon himself to stand up for me and defend my nc.  ? I then find out that my brother thought that I explained myself well (in our last message) but he still doesn't know if wants to come to xmas.
 

I like having my dad hear me out sometimes. I feel he is far enough removed from my Mom where he can actually help me process?

My relationship with my sister has been sort of strained as well, but we stick to certain topics and facebook banter for the most part. But her and my Dad work together! 

I know my Dad kind of feels that he is trying to help all of his kids, and support me but I am nervous. The feedback I get from Dad about my siblings (has been kind of nice) bc now topics about family and emotions are limited.

Is there a difference evident between triangulation and the relaying of conversation?

[Imatter33]

The silver lining of the nc with mom has been the new and supportive relationship with my Dad.

He paid child support, saw us when he was permitted, and was certainly loving in his way,  but he has maintained an aloofness in his role as a Father for many years after we all reached adulthood. (No doubt some of this happened as result of a super strict custody agreement that I  believe resulted in "friendly feelings" toward him, but not a strong stereotypical Father/Daughter bond.

That being said, he has really surprised me and has stepped into the role of proud grandpa and been there for me (my stepmom as well) in this season of change. I would classify his role in my life as a supporter, but I find it is still tricky.

 I am concerned there is some well meaning triangulation?

I put the boundary in place that I won't talk to my siblings about my mom. Dad knows this and he doesn't go there with them, but occasionally when Dad is communicating to them about holidays or how they are doing...  I am getting things told back to me that I didn't ask. 

For example, I recently told my oldest brother that I wouldn't discuss my nc decision any further with him. We haven't communicated since.

 My Dad invited my bro to family christmas and my brother said well I haven't decided if I can go because "Imatter" (me) will be there." My Dad apparently took it upon himself to stand up for me and defend my nc.  ? I then find out that my brother thought that I explained myself well (in our last message) but he still doesn't know if wants to come to xmas.
 

I like having my dad hear me out sometimes. I feel he is far enough removed from my Mom where he can actually help me process?

My relationship with my sister has been sort of strained as well, but we stick to certain topics and facebook banter for the most part. But her and my Dad work together! 

I know my Dad kind of feels that he is trying to help all of his kids, and support me but I am nervous. The feedback I get from Dad about my siblings (has been kind of nice) bc now topics about family and emotions are limited.

Is there a difference evident between triangulation and the relaying of conversation?

[pursuingJoy]

Imatter I think you're smart to be aware of this dynamic. You go, girl! 

From the article on the Karpman Drama Triangle:
"Triangulation is widely recognized as a stabilizing factor in a family, at work, among social groups, etc. We all engage in triangulation because triangles help us cope when we are struggling with another person."

And this:
"Drama triangles form when participants who are predispositioned to adopt the roles of a drama triangle come together over an issue. There are motivations, often subconscious, for each participant in the triangle. The reason the triangle endures is that each participant gets some psychological needs met and they feel justified in their role - often not realizing the broader dysfunction and harm that is occurring. In short, each participant is acting upon self-satisfying but unhealthy roles, rather than acting in a genuinely responsible or altruistic manner."

I think identifying the difference has a lot to do with motivation and trying to meet our needs. I will say in my role as ex-wife and trying to coparent, it is impossibly tempting to play a role in the triangle. I have to really watch myself and I've been divorced for 13 years. I feel protective of my kids and I don't really like my ex. It's very possible that your dad is facing some of these temptations and will be drawn into unhealthy triangulation to get psychological needs met (I am a good dad, I will defend my daughter, I will love her the way her mom wasn't able to love her, etc).

Not sure there is much you can do other than stay out of the triangle yourself and be mindful about this dynamic. You're wise to see it.   

On another note, it is so wonderful that you're building a new relationship with your dad. That is so heartwarming. What a good something to hear today. 

[Imatter33]

Imatter I think you're smart to be aware of this dynamic. You go, girl! 

From the article on the Karpman Drama Triangle:
"Triangulation is widely recognized as a stabilizing factor in a family, at work, among social groups, etc. We all engage in triangulation because triangles help us cope when we are struggling with another person."

PJ THANK YOU! Ah hah. Good and Bad triangulation...now I am getting somewhere.

"Drama triangles form when participants who are predispositioned to adopt the roles of a drama triangle come together over an issue. There are motivations, often subconscious, for each participant in the triangle. The reason the triangle endures is that each participant gets some psychological needs met and they feel justified in their role - often not realizing the broader dysfunction and harm that is occurring. In short, each participant is acting upon self-satisfying but unhealthy roles, rather than acting in a genuinely responsible or altruistic manner."

I think identifying the difference has a lot to do with motivation and trying to meet our needs. IIt's very possible that your dad is facing some of these temptations and will be drawn into unhealthy triangulation to get psychological needs met (I am a good dad, I will defend my daughter, I will love her the way her mom wasn't able to love her, etc).

Very very possible. I got to figure out healthy boundaries for him too. At least i know he's not going to fight me on why I make them!

On another note, it is so wonderful that you're building a new relationship with your dad. That is so heartwarming. What a good something to hear today.