Oh Huck, I feel for you! Welcome to the family. This is a place where we can say what we need to say. Nobody is judging here and we all have common experiences.
When you say, "Can't see the forest for the trees", I resonate with that!
Also you said:
I've also been so overwhelmed with guilt because my bad choices made her experience trauma.
I get the feeling! I used to think that if my family situation was different, and my son had a different stepfather or I didn't divorce his father in the first place that all of this could have been avoided. I prayed to God and sobbed and sorry and please stop punishing my son for my mistakes. Since being here, and learning from other parents as well as books I have read, I have slowly come to realize that other people's sons and daughters with the same descriptions as my son are still struggling even though they have beautiful nuclear loving families. I have learned about bio-social theory and now I understand that our family situation is only a small part of why my son struggles.
This comes back to "not seeing the forest for the trees"
Maybe if you look at the information on this site about bio-social theory it may help you too.
As far as other family members are concerned, that is a hard thing too. For me, I have found that it is so difficult because they either think I am too harsh or they think that I am making excuses. In the end I realize that the only way that I can stand up for what I believe is to have confidence in it by being the one person who has studied and learned and can back up what I say.
I'm sorry for your grandchildren, but I agree that you are doing the right thing by not trying to contact her or keep tabs on her. She needs to come around on her own. Sometimes the harder we try, the harder we fail.
Hang in there... all the best!
