BPD and denial and reversal

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know many of us are at difference stages of our BP partner's awareness.  My BPgf specifically at one point found the Walking on Eggshells book that our therapist gave me to read.  So the seed has at one time been planted in my GF.  She severely discredited our previous therapist and told me she would break up with me if I ever sought therapy from her again.  My GF has been scared of going back to couples therapy ever since and has 1000 excuses anytime I bring it up.  I have not brought up BPD to my GF since the turmoil that finding that book caused in my life about 7 months ago.  I have since reiterated numerous times that I do not think she has BPD, and quite frankly that it doesn't matter and that I just want to focus on making this relationship the best it can be.  Of course, that turns to "everything is your (my) fault" and you need to change, you need to change, you need to change.  Zero self reflection on her part.  And she constantly accuses me of pointing the finger (many times before I have even had a chance to speak a word).  I am getting off track.  So when she found the Eggshells book, she did some research of her own in order to let me know that she thought I had BPD.  I often wonder at times how far she has taken that.  She will protect her image to her friends and family.  Do you think she has told friends and family that I have BPD in order to "beat me to the punch" so that now if I approach her friends and family about it, it looks like I am just retaliating?  Also, many of her friends and family are enablers.  Would they believe her?  I'm sure some of the people close to her (particularly family) have witnessed her traits, but would they even know enough about it to form their own opinions.  I often wonder what I am working against and what she has made me out to be in protection of herself and her actions.  For example, when her daughter assaulted my son and I pressed charges (her daughter is suspected BPD and narcissist to a T, and believe it or not much worse than her mom), I was shunned by her family for a good 3-4 months like it was something I caused (I politely asking her not to bring drugs into my house).  Both my GF and her daughter downplayed the entire incident to everyone they knew, so I now look like I pressed charges for an accidental mishap with her daughter.  Her daughter literally threw a bottle of dawn dishsoap at my son's head from 2 feet away as hard as she could.  That is not the story that is circulating, so I look like someone who overreacted or is unstable because to them my GF's daughter threw something out of anger and my son happened to be where she threw it.  Not the case.  So I wonder what people think of me on account of my GF protecting herself and her daughter's images. 

[strugglingBF]

I know many of us are at difference stages of our BP partner's awareness.  My BPgf specifically at one point found the Walking on Eggshells book that our therapist gave me to read.  So the seed has at one time been planted in my GF.  She severely discredited our previous therapist and told me she would break up with me if I ever sought therapy from her again.  My GF has been scared of going back to couples therapy ever since and has 1000 excuses anytime I bring it up.  I have not brought up BPD to my GF since the turmoil that finding that book caused in my life about 7 months ago.  I have since reiterated numerous times that I do not think she has BPD, and quite frankly that it doesn't matter and that I just want to focus on making this relationship the best it can be.  Of course, that turns to "everything is your (my) fault" and you need to change, you need to change, you need to change.  Zero self reflection on her part.  And she constantly accuses me of pointing the finger (many times before I have even had a chance to speak a word).  I am getting off track.  So when she found the Eggshells book, she did some research of her own in order to let me know that she thought I had BPD.  I often wonder at times how far she has taken that.  She will protect her image to her friends and family.  Do you think she has told friends and family that I have BPD in order to "beat me to the punch" so that now if I approach her friends and family about it, it looks like I am just retaliating?  Also, many of her friends and family are enablers.  Would they believe her?  I'm sure some of the people close to her (particularly family) have witnessed her traits, but would they even know enough about it to form their own opinions.  I often wonder what I am working against and what she has made me out to be in protection of herself and her actions.  For example, when her daughter assaulted my son and I pressed charges (her daughter is suspected BPD and narcissist to a T, and believe it or not much worse than her mom), I was shunned by her family for a good 3-4 months like it was something I caused (I politely asking her not to bring drugs into my house).  Both my GF and her daughter downplayed the entire incident to everyone they knew, so I now look like I pressed charges for an accidental mishap with her daughter.  Her daughter literally threw a bottle of dawn dishsoap at my son's head from 2 feet away as hard as she could.  That is not the story that is circulating, so I look like someone who overreacted or is unstable because to them my GF's daughter threw something out of anger and my son happened to be where she threw it.  Not the case.  So I wonder what people think of me on account of my GF protecting herself and her daughter's images. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Ozzie101]

It's very common for pwBPD to turn it around on their non-BPD loved ones or to slander them to family and friends. So, unfortunately, you're not alone there.

It's a difficult thing -- frustrating and painful -- to be unfairly accused or to know that people have an unfair and unflattering picture of you.

However, there's not a whole lot you can do about their view of you. You can't control what she tells them or what they choose to believe. What you can do is be the best person you can be. Don't rise to bait. Don't engage in smear campaigns. Prove through your actions that she's not giving an accurate account. I know you've said she has some unpleasant recordings of you when you'd hit your limit. That can't be undone, but you can stop it from happening again.

Also, ask yourself: Does it really matter what her friends and family think? If they know you well enough, they wouldn't believe the negative things. If they do know you and believe it, how much do you want to be close to them?

What matters more is what you think of yourself and how the people who really know and love you feel. I know that's easier to say than it is to really believe and internalize, but I believe it.

[strugglingBF]

As always Ozzie, great points and advice.  You seem to comment on all of my posts, and I appreciate the time you take out of your day to support me.  This isn't an easy road to walk, and honestly I have no idea if I will make it for the long haul.  But if I don't, I want to be able to say I did everything I could to improve my relationship.  I just commented on someone else's post that if I have a day without some kind of BPD eposide (small or large), I cherish those days.  I sleep better after those days.  Those days honestly should be the norm, not the exception, but they seem to be few and far between at the moment. 

[Ozzie101]

You're not alone there. All relationships (not just those involving BPD) go through tough times. But BPD can make those times more extreme. My H and I are in a more difficult phase at the moment thanks to some major external stressors, so I very much know what you mean about cherishing the good days.

Keep doing that. Practice self-care. Get rest. Eat healthy. Spend time with your kids and your friends and family. When you're strong and centered, it's easier to weather the storm.