The inability to let go...

[crushedagain]

The feeling - the delusion - that an email from her would somehow make me feel better, like she holds some sort of magical key to my heart or happiness. I am feeling weak during this holiday season. It's been 2 years but sometimes it feels like 2 weeks. I know I must be healing but it seems I take steps backwards.

My anxiety has been terrible lately. It is something I struggle with. The worst part is the physical symptoms, particularly the heart palpitations I get. My mind is playing tricks on me, telling me "RUN, GRIZZLY BEAR DEAD AHEAD!" when I am in the comforts of my own home. Ugly. Ironically, I never shared my history of anxiety with her, because she was never a confidant. It was all about her.

[SinisterComplex]

"It's been 2 years but sometimes it feels like 2 weeks. I know I must be healing but it seems I take steps backwards."

If anyone ever meant anything to you this kind of feeling will persist. It doesn't matter if it were a friend or romantic...its the same kind of feeling and process.

It is normal and it is ok. Just continue to do the best you can and make the effort to live your best life.

Cheers!

-SC-

[Lucky Jim]

The feeling - the delusion - that an email from her would somehow make me feel better, like she holds some sort of magical key to my heart or happiness.

Hey crushed, Right, it's a delusion, yet the feelings are real.  I suggest you acknowledge the feelings and let them pass through you.  The reality is that you are better off out of an unhealthy situation.  As SC notes, these projections are normal, so observe them and move on.

Ironically, I never shared my history of anxiety with her, because she was never a confidant. It was all about her.

I can relate, as I was uncomfortable sharing my history of depression with my BPDxW, for the reason you suggest.  Plus, I was walking on eggshells and lived in fear of her next emotional explosion.

LJ

[crushedagain]

"It's been 2 years but sometimes it feels like 2 weeks. I know I must be healing but it seems I take steps backwards."

If anyone ever meant anything to you this kind of feeling will persist. It doesn't matter if it were a friend or romantic...its the same kind of feeling and process.

It is normal and it is ok. Just continue to do the best you can and make the effort to live your best life.

Cheers!

-SC-

Thank you.

[crushedagain]

Hey crushed, Right, it's a delusion, yet the feelings are real.  I suggest you acknowledge the feelings and let them pass through you.  The reality is that you are better off out of an unhealthy situation.  As SC notes, these projections are normal, so observe them and move on.

I can relate, as I was uncomfortable sharing my history of depression with my BPDxW, for the reason you suggest.  Plus, I was walking on eggshells and lived in fear of her next emotional explosion.

LJ

Yes, I was walking on eggshells and it was all about her, all day, every day. My feelings mattered zero. My logical brain tells me I am so much better off without her. She was toxic. But my illogical, emotional side longs for her. It's very odd and confusing.

[Rev]

Ironically, I never shared my history of anxiety with her, because she was never a confidant. It was all about her.

There's the hook right there - and it's not ironic.

PTSD like symptoms that "send us back" arise in the gaps of our psych-makeup.

You did right not to confide in her - you would be so much worse off if you had.  But I am assuming that had you found in her a suitable mate (one who cared for you properly as you cared for her) then you would have.

And so, there's the loss - not her - but the desire to have a mate with which to properly confide.   And that's where I would suggest that you focus your efforts.

Can you share more about what it's like to live with your anxiety day to day? What are your coping mechanisms? Are some healthier than others?

Get to the bottom of these questions -- and you'll be free of her.  It's not her you miss.

You got this.

Rev

[Lucky Jim]

My logical brain tells me I am so much better off without her. She was toxic. But my illogical, emotional side longs for her. It's very odd and confusing.

I think it's normal.  The head and heart often have different agendas.  I would add a third level of inquiry: your gut feelings.  What is your gut telling you?

LJ

[Jbombjas]

Love this post. I can relate. 6 1/2 months out of crumbs at best and I still get sad and miss him. I still reach out perdiocially hoping to hear from him. And I know hearing from him would make my moment. Until it wouldn’t.
I’m in therapy now. It instigated it but moreso for this pattern of missing what I know I shouldn’t. It’s trauma therapy. Thursday I will actually do my first EMDR session. I didnt suffer any huge trauma as a child. But something is there to create this attachment disorder that still Longs for a man that was barely there. It has never taken me this long to get over anyone. He has dipped back in for seconds a couple times but it lasted days at most. I still long. I still miss. I still contact. And I don’t want to. And it wasn’t love. Not in an “in love” kinda way.
Your feelings (and mine) were described to me as such (and I’m going to get it wrong) -one is logic the other the emotional attachment.  They are stored in two different parts of the brain. Usually these two feelings in many things in our lives (or mine) match up. They talk to each other.  But with attachment they do not align. So no matter how much I know I do not want him or his abuse or horribleness in my life, all I do is long for the day that I will hear from him once again. And in between I go crazy trying or get depressed bc I haven’t.
I think these feelings are related to trauma. It doesn’t have to be big stuff. Just things and attachment needs we (or I) had as very tiny babies and toddlers that weren’t met. And now we are repeating the patterns tryinfto meet them but failing bc we are finding the wrong partner familiar to our primal past.
Hope this helps. It doesn’t make the sadness and trauma any easier. But we will see what the EMDR does. Knowledge is power. It isn’t him I miss. And it’s not her you are missing. It’s somwthing much bigger. Fingers crossed for EMDR. I’ve tried everything. I’ve been like this since I’ve been tiny. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the pattern. I’m tired of longing for someone who does not want me and isn’t worthy either. Contacting them. Chasing them. Doing things I know and wish I didn’t. I’m tired of that deep seated loneliness and sadness that tells me things I know aren’t true. Good luck.

[SinisterComplex]

Yes, I was walking on eggshells and it was all about her, all day, every day. My feelings mattered zero. My logical brain tells me I am so much better off without her. She was toxic. But my illogical, emotional side longs for her. It's very odd and confusing.

You were trauma bonded. Additionally...it is essentially like you were a victim of fractionation. You had a virus embedded into your defenses.

Don't feel bad or feel confused...it can happen to anyone and the best of us. The best way to deal with it...some people just suck. You survived and now you are choosing YOU and to live your best life from now on. Focus on living a drama free life and make yourself a Bullsh*t Free Zone. If someone cannot reciprocate or doesn't show you equal effort then they do not get your best and move forward and leave them in the dust. Your time matters and you will be respected!

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[Lucky Jim]

Focus on living a drama free life and make yourself a Bullsh*t Free Zone. If someone cannot reciprocate or doesn't show you equal effort then they do not get your best and move forward

Agree w/SinisterComplex: Suggest you strive to be authentic.  I ignored my own gut feelings and got burned.  Now I know better.  You do, too.  Get in touch with your deepest self, which is always there, like a pilot light on an old stove.

LJ