Am I just fighting the inevitable?

[strugglingBF]

Sometimes I wonder if all of this work I put in to attempt to have a healthier relationship with my BPgf is just slowing an inevitable process.  Her BPD (and her daughter's suspected BPD) have already split the house that we were trying to build together.  We each have 2 children from previous marriages and we tried to blend families.  We lived together for 3 years and no longer do due to an blow with her daughter (20) where she assaulted my son (13).  This event, and the fact that my GF discovered my therapist (also our ex couples therapist) highly suspected BPD, has seemed to trigger much stronger BPD episodes in my GF moving forward from that time.  So we no longer live together, which is tough at times and an absolute blessing for me and my kids at others.  I would like to get on a path to living together again someday, but I honestly don't know when that will be.  Her suspected BPD daughter is 20, has absolutely no drive, can't hold a job, can't stay in school, is constantly involved with unhealthy relationships, is drinking excessively (she recently totaled her car drunk driving and has yet to receive her punishment), has no car (so she has to be driven by my GF to and from work everyday).  I NEVER will live with her daughter again.  Her daughter dwarfs the BPD episodes I deal with from my GF.  That being said, I have no idea when her daughter will ever be stable enough to live on her own.  And even when that does happen, am I just waiting for another explosion in her life that will drive her back to wherever her mom is living?  So what if I move back in with her mom (my GF), and her daughter wants to move back in because she cannot get out of her own way in life?  Would I be a hearless a-hole for standing my ground and not allowing it?  I do love her daughter and want the best for her, but at the moment she is helpless and a lost cause until she takes some ownership over her own life and makes better decisions. 

Also, living is separate houses from my BPgf means less time to connect in general.  Less cuddling on the couch, we don't sleep with each other or wake up together most nights, etc.  And, due to the fact that her BPD seems to have strengthen after moving out, I just don't look to talk to her as much or share the struggles of my day.  Mainly because I have no idea what will set her off.  They (pwBPD) almost train you to be more introverted because many times a simple conversation will turn into a black/white stance on her part that triggers anger.  It isn't worth it.  So we grow apart a little more because I share less about my day (unless I am fairly certain it will be a surface conversation that will not trigger anything).  For example, I am hesitant to share any stories that might involve my 14 year old son maybe testing his limits like all kids his age do, maybe talking back a little bit or something, because my son is a repeated target for my GF and I know she will take a very harsh stance with him. 

I guess sometimes I wonder if I am on an irreversible path that is slowing running its course regardless of the effort I put in to reverse it or better my relationship with my BPgf.

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[Gemsforeyes]

Hi SB-

I’m sorry, and I see you’ve started a lot of threads lately, I can see you truly are struggling.

But this thread, I got lost when I saw that your BPDgf’s adult daughter assaulted your child, your 13-year old son.  You seem to gloss over that event, although that does seem to have caused you to separate your households.  Good job on that.  And then you move on to your feelings.  The lack of “togetherness” with your BPDgf now that you’re living apart.

How’s your son doing?  What kind of therapy or help is he getting?

I’m not trying to ignore your feelings, but we’re the caretakers of our children.  They rely on us.  And rightfully so.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[strugglingBF]

Aside from the initial shock and cut behind his ear, my son handled it very well.  We had a family discussion after the incident (me, my son, and my daughter (11) about what just happened and why.  My son actually spoke up first and said he is not mad at my GF's daughter and understands she acted out because of her hatred for me in the moment.  I was a little shocked of his awareness of what caused it to happen.  That being said, my son has lived with my GF and her kids for 3 years at that point so he was well versed in my GF daughter's attitude, instability, and lack of respect.  Maybe i should have got him in therapy after that, but he just seemed to handle it so well. 

My GF's daughter by the way has never apologized to my son.  While that irks me, I understand that she is just not wired that way.  And for her to apologize would mean she has to admit to herself the magnitude of her actions and the fact she did something really wrong.  The version of the story she tells everyone is much different than reality.  It was criminally violent behavior, PERIOD.  She plays it off like an accident.  So why would she apologize for an accident (in her head).  My BPDgf (her mom) backs her story up even though she didn't witness it.  It is absolutely insane, which is why I chose not to bring the incident up and move forward in a positive manner.  Both my GF and her daughter are severely emotionally immature.  It is like beating my head against a wall.  This girl (my GF's daughter) has physically attacked me, her mom, her biological father, and now my son.  She is straight up unstable when angry.  And none of her family will get her counseling.  She was in counseling while she was on probation (for the assault) and stopped immediately after probation ended.  Coincidentally, she has turned back to alcohol and weed, totaled her car while driving drunk, and she still doesn't learn.  What kind of daughter attacks her mother physically and tears clumps of her hair out while said mother is on the ground balling and begging her to stop (not fighting back because it is her daughter...and she herself doesn't want to get in trouble with police if her daughter claims assault).  And the daughter just pulls harder.  I witnessed this all over the phone one night, and her son witnessed in person.  All because my GF took her phone away as a punishment for disrespectful behavior.  Her (my GF) entire family is scared of her daughter.  Nobody will speak up about her actions.  I did and was turned into an enemy for it.  Even to this day my GF parents her daughter out of fear.  She gets away with everything, all while learning there are zero consequences for her actions unless the legal system is brought into the equation...which will happen again eventually.