Things have only become worse

[capn zed]

 Its been over 5 months now since she left. She still tries to talk to me every single day. Every time i respond, another little piece of me is damaged.
 I have been diagnosed with ptsd, depression, and anxiety. Ive fallen so far down that I dont leave my house anymore. All my friends have abandoned me. Im falling deeper every day into depression. This has never happened to me before. I was always the strong one, the one no one thought could be knocked down. Yet here I am, isolated, in a great deal of emotional pain and i have no idea where to go from here.
 I had to find a new therapist because the old one tried a therapy on me he wasnt experienced in and it caused a severe ptsd episode that involved seizures and flashbacks so intense I didnt know where I was at the time. I ended up in the back of an ambulance and spent the day in the hospital. I have no actual memory of the incident.
 I need to shut her out of my life. I cant let this go on.

 I havent posted in a long time because of the shame Im feeling for having allowed this to happen to me in the first place, and for being stupid enough to still harbor feelings for her, in spite of the damage she has done to me because of it. This isnt about love for her anymore. I dont know why I cant let go. Id give anything to erase the last 7 years from my memory.
 How long does it usually take to reverse the damage they do to us? What kinds of therapy should I be seeking? How do I find my way back from this and still have the capacity to love someone and to find trust again? My head is filled with unanswered questions, and a need for closure Ill never have.

[once removed]

we are here with you, friend. i had feelings for my ex for months after.

what sort of communication is going on between the two of you right now?

[Lucky Jim]

Its been over 5 months now since she left. She still tries to talk to me every single day. Every time i respond, another little piece of me is damaged.

Hey Cap'n, If you two have parted ways, why are you still speaking w/her everyday?  It sounds like an unhealthy dynamic to me.  You likely need time apart to get centered again and begin healing.  It's not up to her, my friend.  It's your call.

LJ

[capn zed]

She messages me every day, teasing me with hope and then ripping it out from under me. I know I shouldnt talk to her but i cant say no to her. Its like she has some sort of spell on me that makes me go stupid when I hear her words or see her. Ive tried multiple times to cut ties, but she always finds a way back into my life.

[Teddy007]

The spell you are talking about is the trauma bond. Read up on it. Worst fu#kin nightmare i been through in my life!

[SinisterComplex]

Zed, she doesn't find a way back into your life. You enable her and you allow it to happen. You can say no. However, do not misinterpret what I am saying here. I understand how you feel and I do understand how you think and it is so hard.

With saying that though...please do not allow yourself to be subjected to any further pain. You are allowing the toxic poison to continually drip into your bloodstream like you have an IV attached. Teddy is right in his assessment...this is trauma bonding.

You have to nut up though and say to yourself and I am not letting this person dictate my life any further. I am the master of my own domain!

Lastly, definitely do your due diligence on therapists. They do not realize the power they have and unfortunately some of them abuse it or are not as equipped at helping people as they think they are. With great power comes great responsibility. I am truly sorry that you had to go through an unfortunate incident because of a wannabe's negligence.

Please continue to vent and post and I hope you start to get better and have a breakthrough and get past all this.

Cheers and best wishes!

[I Am Redeemed]

How long it takes to heal depends largely on whether or not you continue to let yourself be re-traumatized.

I understand that in some cases, as with parents of children, there is a need to have some contact with the ex out of necessity. However, even in those cases, it is recommended that contact be kept brief and relating only to parenting.

What kind of therapy did your T try on you that he was not experienced in? Was it EMDR? I say that because some EMDR therapists use hand motions or flashing lights, so when you mentioned the seizure that is what came to my mind.

As for what kind of T you need, I would suggest a good, experienced trauma specialist, and be sure to tell him or her about the episode you had with the other treatment.

[Timberwolf]

That’s unfortunate but perhaps not meant maliciously; perhaps  your bpd  is now  mirroring  the new crowd she is with. Also  keep in mind that this is a very selfish disorder. Good verses bad, up verses down and out  of sight means out of mind. They only think in terms of how  immediate needs are being met. Since someone else now meets those,fit There is no  energy left to  behave even as a human being.. This means everything that you say and do will be seen in a “bad,” possibly “evil” context even if you truly do have good intentions. They resent having to expend even a second thought on you because remember it’s all about them. They do not care about you, as you have no value to them right now. This will not change until something happens in which you do, sad to say. I know it sucks and feels crappy to be on the receiving end of this but it is not your fault or theirs really .Just simply a function of the disorder.

[capn zed]

Im coming up on 6 months in a couple days. Ive been 100% no contact. While there are no new incidents with her, the old pain is still present. I have been severely depressed and isolated. Im just kind of treading water these days.
I started with a new therapist last week. We are still getting to know each other a little before we begin EMDR to counteract what the previous therapist did.
I am still having issues sleeping, problems with nightmares and anxiety attacks, and depression.
I am hopeful that the longer I go no contact and see the new therapist, the better I will get.

[SinisterComplex]

Zed, you will get better. I know you wish the process would speed up, but take solace in the fact that the beauty is in the process. You will get and be stronger. Your process was unfortunately stunted. To be honest with you...it really pisses me off how you were essentially screwed over by someone whom is supposed to be a professional.

I truly wish you the best. Please by all means stick with it. Believe in yourself. Additionally, keep coming back to this forum as necessary and vent all that you need to. I will chime in if you ask for me to do so. Otherwise I will observe your progress. I truly support you and I hope you get the help you deserve.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Teddy007]

For me it has been almost 5 months. She has charm me many times. I have fallen in her trap many times. The pain is still present and some days or moments i just feel so empty and so depressed. But it is not as much anymore as in the begging.

On Friday when i was driving in town i saw her going to her car. She freezed and looked at like she saw a ghost. It was really painful, like a knife going in to my heart. I started feeling really bad but after a few hours it was better.

Today i really miss her. And i am feeling really lonely. Trying to remember all the bad things she has done to me. All the lies and cheating, but sometimes it´s just hard and the mind goes back to all the good times, the love bombing stages of the relationship.

When i look back on the progress of healing i feel much better when looking back how i felt for the first few months. It was totally black and the pain was almost unbearable.

Now i sleep better, i eat better and i manage to get through the days even have moments when i feel good. The pain is still there but the sting is not as powerful anymore.

What you need to do is to go no contact. Cut her of and stop all communication. A wrote a post already about the trauma bond, and this is what it is. You need to start going out and get exercise. Start doing small things for yourself to heal. Your friends will understand, just get back in contact with them and be honest so you get your support network going.

Trust the process and just take at it day by day or even hour by hour. This has been for me by far the worse experience in my life. I have never been so depressed and felt so bad. And at one point i thought it would never end, that the pain would never go away.  But as i said it has gotten better, today is one of the harder days  and still i am grateful that this is the worst it gets. No panic attacks anymore and i am so happy they are gone.

This became a long post but my point is that you will manage and you will get better my friend. You need to trust the process and  the most important thing for you to do RIGHT NOW is to GO NO CONTACT! Cut of all communication this second!