My Husband, His BPD, and Me -- The Monster

[1st Circle]

Help me. Please, please, help me.

I finally have to post. My husband threatened to leave me tonight. I am in agony.

I don't even know why. This is not normal for him. He was getting better for a while, but now he is getting worse again, and it scares me more this time. I am actually starting to wonder if I'll even be able to remember how things progressed. I know I remembered the chain of events in the conversation for about the first two hours, but then it kind of faded away. I think my brain has literally started to block out these memories when these things happen, at least temporarily. I just know that I did everything I could to not be the monster he sees me as, and it all failed.

I would say what the conversation was, but somehow I'm terrified he might read it. It's asinine. I am the one who reads about BPD. I am the one who studies by the hour and meditates on any little thing I could have done differently. I am the one who takes it upon myself to learn to understand him ... he does not look it up. I know I'll never read it. Somehow I'm still afraid. Not that he'll get physically violent -- he doesn't. But there are a whole lot of other horrible possibilities, aren't there?

This evening he brought a sensitive subject in our marriage. The same subject had been bothering me, but I had been avoiding mentioning it for several months, because I've gotten to the point at which I have stopped trying to fix anything for fear of just how bad it could get. I've never been the the type of person to stop communicating, but I simply had almost no hope left of any of our issues being fixable, at least at this time, and pretty much had just decided to accept it how it was, no matter how unhealthy it felt (yes, I am very codependent, but I couldn't see another option). I told him I was glad to hear him say what he was saying, because apparently we were both needing the same thing in the relationship. And I -- extremely stupidly -- thought perhaps it was a moment that I could open up to him a little bit, too, after so long of shutting myself off from him emotionally for the sake of his (our?) happiness. So, carefully, I told him part of what I thought the problem was in this issue he'd brought up, and offered some suggestions about things he and I both could do differently to solve it together. He began to twist my words around, at which point I (stupidly again), attempted to clarify. I tried to tell him what I meant -- something positive, actually, should actually be proof of how much I love him, how much I enjoy his company, how much we have in common. It didn't work. It somehow wound up being proof of how "everything he does is bad" and so, so much more. It devolved until he basically told me he was going to leave me.

Let me try to explain something: I am very careful. Extremely careful. RIDICULOUSLY careful not to say things in a "bad" way. I have a running monologue in my head when I speak of how he could interpret everything I say. I choose my words very thoughtfully, and mention every few sentences that I love him (he has asked me to do this, and it is true). I do not raise my voice -- I learned my lesson about that. I do not use a harsh tone -- learned my lesson there, too. I monitor my facial expressions to try to make sure my face is calm, caring, and open. I am very careful about body language, too -- not to take a step away from him or move my hand off his arm at the wrong moment, lest he think it means I despise him and am abandoning him. Even shifting my weight away from him or furrowing my brow could be a cue for him to think I've decided he's the scum of the earth. I am VERY careful. I was very, very gentle, objectively speaking. I swear.

I don't know how at this point. I am terrified to speak. I am terrified not to speak. I am terrified to let him live under false assumptions about what I think and mean, but also terrified of what will happen if I try to clarify. The pain is excruciating. Almost four and a half years now I've tried to be the one to help. I'm totally and utterly lost. I'm lying in the dark in the freezing rain in a ditch by the side of a road I once paved with all my love in the belief that it would lead us to healing. I was trying to carry him. Even when I was sure I would collapse with my next step, I always somehow found the way to carry him just one more step. But I am so weak at this point, and I am so afraid, and I am so tired, and right now I can barely remember how to stand.

Obviously, for all of my study into BPD, all of my self-reflection and work on my own issues, all of my efforts, everything that I have done to try to understand and change how I relate, I am doing it wrong. If it gets any worse, something terrible will happen, I am sure. He will start drinking again, maybe. Maybe he'll be reckless and get terribly injured. Or maybe he will just leave.

Please tell me -- people can't really be truly, utterly broken, can they? Surely, there's got to be something I can do if I go about it the right way?

Help me. Please, please, please help me if you can.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Stillhopeful4]

Good morning 1st Circle,

Welcome to our group!

I don't know how at this point. I am terrified to speak. I am terrified not to speak. I am terrified to let him live under false assumptions about what I think and mean, but also terrified of what will happen if I try to clarify. The pain is excruciating. Almost four and a half years now I've tried to be the one to help. I'm totally and utterly lost. I'm lying in the dark in the freezing rain in a ditch by the side of a road I once paved with all my love in the belief that it would lead us to healing. I was trying to carry him. Even when I was sure I would collapse with my next step, I always somehow found the way to carry him just one more step. But I am so weak at this point, and I am so afraid, and I am so tired, and right now I can barely remember how to stand.

I can relate to your story.  This part speaks to me.  First and foremost...you need to take care of you.  You sound a lot like me...always wanting to make others happy.  It's taking me some time, and I'm still learning, but I have realized if I don't take care of me first..I wouldn't be able to take care of anyone else.  Take a peek at the tools section.  You will find some great tips to help you to reconnect with your hubby, if that is what you want.  It will also give you some ideas on how not to JADE.  This one is important.  I'm still trying to learn it.  It's important to try and reduce the conflict and try and listen and not react.

Please tell me -- people can't really be truly, utterly broken, can they? Surely, there's got to be something I can do if I go about it the right way?

Take a peek at the tools section.  You will find some great tips to help you to reconnect with your hubby, if that is what you want.  It will also give you some ideas on how not to JADE.  This one is important.  I'm still trying to learn it.  It's important to try and reduce the conflict and try and listen and not react.

Please post often and post some exact examples so members here can walk you through what could have gone wrong and what you could have done differently.

Your H sounds very similar to my W with "knowing" what I am feeling (which is usually wrong).

Again welcome,

SH4

[Ozzie101]

Welcome to the family, 1st Circle!

I'm so sorry for the pain you're experiencing right now. Unfortunately, it's not unusual around here. In fact, this time last year, I was experiencing many of the same feelings you are: the hopelessness, the fear, the pain, the feeling of being utterly lost. I felt like I must be the worst wife in the world and that I had utterly failed. And my H, too, threatened divorce -- more than once.

Fortunately, you've come to the right place. We understand here. We know where you are. And we have a lot of experience behind us and a lot of tools and skills.

Has your H been diagnosed (it's OK if he hasn't)? Are either of you in therapy?

Are people ever truly broken? I'm not sure. If they refuse to seek any kind of help, then they can't be fully mended. But, even in the most seemingly hopeless cases, there is hope. My own situation was pretty dire. But we're on much firmer ground now. Has it always been easy? No. Is it all perfect and fully fixed now? No. But it is better. And we continue to work on it.

So, there is hope for you. As I said, it's not easy and there are no guarantees. It takes a lot of effort and patience and energy, but it can be done.

There's a lot of info about BPD and it can get overwhelming but we can help you walk through it and find the skills that will help you the most.

It sounds like you've been carrying the weight in your relationship, trying so hard not to set him off, trying to pull him through the rough patches. You probably know this, but that's something you need to work on stopping. It won't do anything but leave you exhausted and him enabled. That's easy to say, I know, but it's true.

As Stillhopeful said, self-care is of the utmost importance. You can't function effectively if you're completely spent. Do you have friends or family you can spend time with? Hobbies you enjoy? Something as simple as taking an hour to sit and read in a quiet place with a favorite beverage can do a world of good.

Another thing Stillhopeful pointed out was JADEing (Justify Argue Defend Explain). It sounds like you did that in your example conversation, trying to explain what you meant and where you were coming from. It's something I did A LOT and yet, it's a big no-no with BPD. It does not go over well. There are other communication methods, like SET (Support Empathy Truth) that are way more effective. I'll post a couple of links here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

When you have a chance, I hope you'll take a look and see if those are helpful at all.

Anyway, there's more to share and say, but that's probably more than enough for now. Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing!