Hi new here, a single mum with 16 year old, diagnosed with BPD

[Etsy]

Hi, I have a 16 year old who gas been symptomatic of BDP for year, but she official had her diagnosis 18 months ago, which came from out of area (London) as our local authority simply does not recognise that adolescent can have BPD. It is frustrating to see that the skill set/expertise does not exist, which includes validation - they gave written to saying we have explained the rational to you, and we dont diagnosis this in this age group. At a recent meeting which was recorded, the clinical lead actual spoke the words "it is not help to diagnose in this age group, as they will he stuck with the label for life" the fact that my health authority paid for a second opinion which came from a renowned London hospital and professor at Kings college appears to mean nothing to them. We were referred to London as my daughter has experienced and continues to experience dissociation (for over 4 years,  which she finds distressing) - which we found was symptomatic of BPD, along with all the other criteria she had been displaying, self harm, suicidality, emotional disregulation, self sabotage, self esteem, unstable self (constantly dying hair and looking to change image) severe depression, social isolation, unable to tolerate busy environments, at worst highly sensitive to sounds and light. etc etc  - our health authority were quite simply unable to put the pieces of the jigsaw together! And as such they accused me of emotional abuse - abandoning my daughter in hospital after the 5 admission when I refused to take her home as nothing was being done, a&e had become a revolving doorto us. As such they requested child protection! Now we have a diagnosis and things make sense, I have asked and stated the following ... "we all know what happens when a parent is accused of emotional abuse, but what happens to a system that emotional abuses a mother and child?
I feel like I am constantly trying to dodge hand grenades, and am trying to be mindful of validating techniques, easier said than done, when we use words such as, "go on you'll be fine" etc ... sort of counter intuitive, stopping yourself in your tracks... sometimes mid sentence, to think acknowledge the feeling.
It has been such a long and exhausting and isolating journey. So much more to type but I guess that is a good starting point.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Isanni]

I'm so sorry to hear what you and your daughter have gone through. It's exhausting, frustrating, painful and so stressful. Nothing is worse than seeing your child be out of control and crying out for help and getting nothing but accusations.

How did she react to learning she has borderline traits/diagnosis? Is she open to help - dbt, cbt, etc.? Do you feel you are getting enough information to be able to create a family environment to at least not make her traits worse (validation, boundaries, etc.?)

I have found this forum very helpful to learn and vent. I hope you can too. We parents kinda suffer from pstd from all that we go through with our kids, so it's important to take care of us too.

[Etsy]

Thanks for your reply Insanni, very true after years of self harm and presenting in a&e, PTSD is a consequence, I first read about it in this commissioned report https://www.wcmt.org.uk/fellows/reports/how-work-teenagers-presenting-emerging-borderline-personality-disorder-lessons-hype  which deeply resonates with me.
Ha ... as I was just typing my daughter appeared over my shoulder ... that looks very shady what ever you are doing, you should never post on forums"

My daughter was put on respiridone, sertraline and clonazepam at one stage for 3 months, which made her dissociation worse and produced psychotic behaviour (which she had never had before or since) which was scary and in turn on one occasion lead to her being hand cuffed in our own home, and then blue lighted back into a&e ... they put her in a general childrens ward, and had to wheel out all the other children, the notice board above her head was covered in drawing pins, of which on her discharge I had to advise "considering my daughter was in for self harm,  not a good to have access to drawing pins. "
The diagnoses was bitter sweet, finally we had an answer to years of unexplained behaviours, she no longer thought she was crazy. We were both in shock. ( of which there was a lot of acting out and out burst of anger from my DD) My anger was different it was controlled and against the system that had allowed my daughter (and self) to suffer for so long, I needed and still need answers! And when I have the strength will deal with this at the highest level I can) there are children out there suffering, and families need to be tought the skills to help their children, and hopefully help to reduced conflict, to what I once thought was bad behaviour! We now had an avenue of proposed therapeutic help, with reported good outcomes, especially considering age ... and whilst the brain is considered malleable! Unfortunately, the support mechanism around that which was to come from the child and adolescent mental health system was not good, and after completing 2 modules of dbt, the nurse delivering the single session went sick with no replacement, new people appeared on the new module and my daughters anxiety got the better of her ... running a mile away from the centre that was delivering the DBT. No or very little attempt was made or given to get her back on the course, and she subsequently discharged herself, say she would make herself better. This was probably music to the child and adolescent mental health team, as previously mentioned the dont think or believe  that adolescents can have BPD. Lately she fluctuates between she will fix herself, or that there is nothing wrong with me. Or of course shifting all blame on to me. Which I try hard to keep in mind that blame is someone else's way to discharge their pain and discomfort (easier said than done, because I think our automatic response is to defend ourselves!)

[Resiliant]

Hi Etsy,
I just want to say welcome to the group and I am glad you found us!
My sister went through the same thing when trying to seek help for her daughter.  The therapist pointed an accusing finger at her and her husband and said "which one of you...".

I'm so glad that you have a handle on this at her age.  I tried so hard when my son was young and I got nowhere.  Then he got to the age where I couldn't get him to doctors or therapists anymore.

It is so hurtful to see our kids suffer.  I just want to say to him "CHOOSE HAPPINESS!"  but it can't be done.  The social isolation that you mentioned is so hurtful.  I pray for him every night.

This site is wonderful, there are so many great parents here and also such a wealth of information.

I had a situation recently that put me into a fog, but when I wrote about it two other moms took the time to respond and got me to see things the right way again.  Exactly what you said at the end: 

blame is someone else's way to discharge their pain and discomfort (easier said than done, because I think our automatic response is to defend ourselves!)

All the best 

[Etsy]

Thanks resilisant, are you in the uk ? Our local health authority is hopeless with this diagnosis, how old is your child?
We desperately need mediation !
 Just having an extreme few days of it, dd telling me what an awful mother I am, I dont care, she has the flu at the moment and is feeling rough, have been out to the shop for her as she fancied almond croissants, then made her avocado and poached egg on toast, then she wanted me to watch a movie with her, when I got on the room 25 mins later, angry with me that I wasn't there immediately and had started watching it, then she rudely told me to get out of my lounge, called me a fat ugly toad, the insults have been firing at me all day long including profanity, my words are being twisted and what feels like purposely misunderstood... can't do right for wrong, pushing pushing.  Feels like - how can we wind up mum. Cant comfort her, with offer of a hug, as she has now decided she is not a tactile person (always was growing up) it is just incessant, like a woodpecker constantly pecking away ... so so draining. Self preservation is so hard when you are constantly in the firing line. Constantly knocked off balance !

It is so hurtful to see our kids suffer.  I just want to say to him "CHOOSE HAPPINESS!"  but it can't be done.  The social isolation that you mentioned is so hurtful.  I pray for him every night 
... for the longest of times I have said It would be better to be a little less intelligent... and trade it off for happiness ... you have your happiness everything else  :wee:will fall in to place.

[Resiliant]

Hi Etsy,

It would be better to be a little less intelligent... and trade it off for happiness ... you have your happiness everything else  :wee:will fall in to place.

Isn't that the truth!

I'm not in the UK, although several other parents here are from the UK.  I'm in Canada, in a somewhat rural area where it's really hard to find good help.  My son is now 31 years old.  When he was young the only diagnosis was ADHD and LD.  The LD part stands for "Learning Disabled" which is a joke because he tested in the 98th percentile for spacial sense.  Therapists said he had trouble at school because he was smarter than his teachers.  We tried everything available at the time including bio-feedback training, energy related therapy, summer camps for ADHD kids, and various therapists etc.    I tried a therapist who was also a mediator a few years ago but got nowhere, although he did help me feel better about myself.

I was originally thinking of starting my own support group, before I found this site and I may still do so once I retire or we sell our business because as you said there are so many other people suffering with no idea where to turn or what to do.   With mental disorders like this you can't just drop your kid off at a doctor or hospital and expect them to get better or "fixed".   As you said families need to learn the skills.  The therapists can't do this on their own.

Cheers
R

[wendydarling]

Hi Etsy and welcome  

I'm so sorry what you and your young DD have been through! It's so unfair the coverage of good and appropriate mental health services across the UK. We need a clear pathway for our young children. I'm in London my DD was 26 when she fell into crisis and was diagnosed in 2015. A years wait to get into DBT. I'd call regularly to see where she was on the list, they knew she was in crisis and I wasn't going away! So keep the pressure on Etsy, I know it's exhausting. I admire you, you are teaching your DD for the future, how to advocate for herself and that she has rights, is entitled to support, that you love her. She's not crazy, life can get better as I and parents here learn, through the Family Connections DBT based skills, tools and lessons available here at  bpdfamily.

Dig deep here and stay with us  

WDx