Conundrum with marriage

[Karin]

Hello,
I'm new to this group and a bit nervous to share this information. But, I need as much help as I can get right now. I'll do my best to explain my situation. So, my husband of 16 yrs and I have a teen daughter.  Husband has had blowups and strange behavior that confused me and made me question my sanity within a couple of months of knowing him.  But most of the time he was a doting, loving man and of course, I thought after time and talking things would get better - we'd figure each other out.  I read walking on eggshells this past month and there are SO many behaviors that fit my husband. It amazing- he's never been diagnosed with anything. I've been in alot of therapy and my confidence is way up now, it wasn't previously.  He's been in therapy about 3 years and there's been alot of improvement in his behavior .  However, about a couple of months ago, he laid into our sensitive daughter for being "rude" to him.  She was a bit snarky - but nothing that deserved how he handled it.  There have been other incidents as well . He doesn't scream and yell, but he name calls and speaks very sternly and has a loud voice and then goes off on how he isn't part of the family and nobody likes him and he doesn't deserve this and etc etc. Long story short, she was ready to leave home and was horribly distraught.   I brought this up with me and my husbands counselor and the counselor let him know that his behavior isn't ok and if he's miserable at home he has the choice to leave.  He has had a very good relationship with our counselor .  He went into deep depression after that for a while and just now things are getting back to "normal" at home, but he won't see the counselor.  For me, I need to do what's best for our daughter and myself. When I try to talk about it - I get defensiveness from him.  I'm trying to figure out what approach to take.  I think I need to talk to him about things that he must do to improve his behavior - because it will happen again - but I feel like I've tried and tried so much to help things, but it doesn't truly get better. Do I stay? go? I don't like feeling lonely and unsure in this relationship..but I've been in it so long and don't want to cause more problems for our daughter.  I know this was long...hopefully good idea to put this out there. Feedback would be appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm so sorry you are facing these heavy questions in your family.

I am glad you found us, because I can assure you that we "get it".  

I had the exact same reaction to reading stop walking on eggshells (SWOE) and I remember questioning my sanity.

It's good that you have professional counselors involved...very good.  Have they given you advice about the questions you have raised?  Can you share it here?

Communication is important, yet I hope you can appreciate that "how" you communicate with a highly emotional person might be just as important as the actual content of what you say.  We can give you some pointers and things you can discuss with your counselors.  

How does that sound?

I'll come back soon to check your reply.

Best,

FF

[Karin]

Hi FF,
Thanks for replying    I totally freaked that 40 people viewed my post...anyhow...  Even the way you wrote your reply had the mirroring skills I need to learn better.  very nice.  Our - now my - counselor has given the option of leaving because of how things are - esp now with how things are going with my daughter.  She has taught me many tools on how to speak with my husband too, since I haven' left.  One thing I have a problem with when he acts angry or kooky is that I get scared and get quiet and I walk away often.  Sometimes I feel strong and can speak assertively. I'm making myself do this now for my daughters sake so I'll be a good role model and so she doesn't feel like she needs to speak up, but it's hard! I understand the more I do it, the easier it will be - but that fear of his reaction is hard wired into me now it seems.  I find it VERY hard saying things like "I hear you're angry that I didn't buy you sliced turkey"  because of the fear and I get so angry at his over reaction - esp. if I'm tired.  How do you get to the point where you see it's worth it to speak with those "i" statements when what spouse is saying is so mean or ridiculous?