I thought I was OK..I am not OK

[Blueskyday]

Hey all,
I have been quiet for a while. I thought I was coping and coping well. I have been isolating. Even so I thought I am OK.

I just met the volunteer co ordinator after work. I have a virus and drank loads of coffee. I left that meeting with all but panic. I talked non stop for 30 minutes. I over shared. I felt weird. I felt I acted weird. I was so not myself.

I think I feared rejection and that caused me to unconsciously over sell myself. I was so nervous.

I am not used to a post mortem on my behaviour so this has caused anxt.

I can see how much pain I am in from being rejected by my dtr..Not just the discard but the whole of last year.

I can see that I felt so exposed by that chat. I feel the toll  of the isolation.

I felt like breaking down and crying. I was so consumed by how she perceived me as I walked to the car.
The overwhelming thought what if she doesn't want me?

I know what the root of this anxt is.I am estranged from my child. There is no one, no other adult in my life.

I am so sad and so isolated. I feel so weird! I am usually so cool calm and collected.

Time will tell but reaching out was worse than I had imagined.

I feel like I am in a glass box..

I feel she may see beneath my bravado exactly where I am.

That was not me but maybe it was more me than I care to admit

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Resiliant]

Hi Bluesky,

Please don't be so hard on yourself, you have been through a lot!

I'm sure the volunteer coordinator has a heart or he/she would not be doing what he/she does.  I'm sure this person recognizes that everyone has their ups and downs and struggles and may have been happy to be there to listen. 

What matters is what you think about yourself, not what others think of you.  What are the things you like about yourself?  From what I have learned, you are a great cook, a loving grandmother and a person who is willing to volunteer her time to help others.

What else do you like about yourself, Bluesky?

 
R

[twocrazycats]

As Resiliant said, please don't be so hard on yourself. With our BPD children, everything we say is wrong. Other people are usually more understanding or at least don't judge us quite so harshly. You are looking to volunteer. They probably need all the help they can get. I would imagine they don't care if your presentation of yourself was perfect.

I'm glad you came out of isolation. I've been looking for you here every day. I don't feel so alone myself when I see people on here that I recognize. We may not qualify as other adults in your life, but we are here for you. You've got this.
2CC

[Blueskyday]

Dear lovely ladies,
I think I had a panic attack.
I felt so weird.
I fell asleep after I wrote and woke up me, albeit a bit emotionally bruised.

She emailed me and said it was lovely to meet me and hear my story . Of course I left out the BPD child part. She followed through with the forms etc . I am on the rota for Christmas night.

I felt like a fraud hiding the awful truth of estrangement. I felt such a fear of rejection..I was not prepared to feel the loss I felt as I tried to fill it.

Two cats, me too. I feel better when I see people I recognise here. I will try not to isolate so much.

 Maybe the pain is going to have to come out. I am in grief I guess and was in denial about it. I co parent that kid. Its like a divorce.

Thank you both for being there

[Etsy]

Hey Bluesky,
I feel your pain, and can relate to many aspects of your post. The over talking ... I do that, when I have had professionals to the house over the years, I have even followed them to the car, still talking, practically till they drive off! I think it is a mix of things ranging from anxiety, fear, have they listened... truely listened...  that is listened to understand. So many listen but dont hear. Then when you do get someone who hears, that can become overwhelming, so tears of relief. I could have tears because of frustration if not being heard. It is so emotionally draining and it does take its toll. I am so sorry to hear DD has become estranged. The carers of loved ones with BPD are so emotionally vulnerable, we have exposed and beared our souls, so many times, in the never ending hope that one day it will get better. Perhaps even wake up one day and find out it has been a hideous nightmare!  ... it gets to stage, where you really do doubt yourself, like being in an earth quake, desperately trying to keep your balance. What scale earth quake! Can I hold on? But we do, i guess some quakes just take a little longer to get over!  Constantly recharging our emotional batteries... hopefully before we get too low! Sending you a big virtual hug x ps I do kind of go into waffle mode at times, so I hope above makes sense ! my words just bottleneck as there are so many things I want to say, all trying to get out at the same time ... sometime with what I feel little coherence! Takecare

[Blueskyday]

Ohh Etsy,
You are so right!
I never do that, this.
It leaked out.
I still feel anxt.
Yes we have bared our soles.
Sending a huge hug back xx

[Blueskyday]

I realised all of this coincides with my progesterone phase of HRT. I am effectively artificially pre menstral . I am very relieved. It means although its all part of the estrangement  I won't be panicky forever. It will all calm down


My poor Grandbaby told me last night. Her Mother got drunk Sunday. She promised her a movie night and a good time in the cab on the way home. She was taken to a bar ..She then switched and had a fight with her about not eating the french fries she got her in the pub fgs..She said she was taking 2 weeks pocket money from her. When she broke down sent her to bed. She then got her out of bed, apologised and played a game with her drunk..She said Grandma I have never ever been that upset..She was ordered not to tell me..Poor kid.

She said it may not have happened if she ate the fries. I explained it was not about her and not about the fries. Nothing could have prevented some form of row as it was the alcohol and her being drunk that caused the problem. Yeah but Grandma, she can be like that when she's not drunk.

Tomorrow is her last day of school and she was being left again..sent to bed early so as not to bother the friend who was babysitting. It was sprung on her. Poor kid is so good, so kind. Her nails are bitten to the quick.

My dtr does not care a stuff about her. I said I will go collect her from school tomorrow and she can stay with me. Otherwise she would wake Saturday and fend for herself all day while she sleeps it off..The house smells like a city dump and there is not one clean dish.

I feel bad for not having her Xmas day but if she chose me her Mother would have made her pay.

She also told me she heard her Mother 3 weeks ago, maybe more saying she was ruining her life and holding her hostage by refusing to sleep in strange houses. She also heard me say its important she feel comfortable where she sleeps. Its important her feelings are acknowledged. She said it made her very sad .

Too much for an 8yr old. I will make sure she has fun the next few days.

I wish she would just give her to me.

[twocrazycats]

My heart breaks for your granddaughter. She is so fortunate, so blessed, to have you. (I know I've said that before, but I believe it's worth repeating.)

I've read that what a child needs is at least one parent or caregiver who consistently gives them unconditional love and is there for them. I'd say you are that person for your granddaughter. No matter what mess she finds herself in at home, you are her anchor. She can contact you. You are her connection that reminds her that there is a world out there that is good and cares about children. So that she knows that mothers aren't supposed to do the things her mother does. And so that when she grows up, if she becomes a mother herself, she will want to be like you, not like her mother (at least the way her mother is now). I know how this feels, in a way, because my grandmother was that person for me growing up. So as a parent, and as an adult in general, I have always tried to be like my grandmother, not at all like my mother.

So I think what you are doing for your granddaughter is really important. You are an amazing grandmother, and I'm sure she will remember it forever. Fifty years later, I treasure my fond memories of my grandmother.

Take care of yourself. Stay strong. We are all here for you.

2CC

[Blueskyday]

I know I am all emotional and hopped up on progesterone but I really love you guys...This forum, y'all have held me and sustained me through some of my darkest days.

Please remember that we can't, simply can not be what they accuse us of being if we help and care for one another so much.

[Blueskyday]

I picked the child up from school. I am taking her to the theatre tonight. I had asked she pack a nice outfit.

In the bag was a lemon strapless summer dress I bought the child for Florida and a pair of black tights. This for December in the UK. Her Pyjamas are too small and are raggidy. The clothes smell like the house, Like a city dump.

My dtr has bought reams and reams of outfits for her nights out, lives in taxi cabs and on take aways. The childs gloves are filthy and falling apart to the extent she asks me to cut the strings unravelling. They cost about £1.00 a pair.
I bought her some Pokemon gloves and a hat which are in her stocking. They will of course be lost in the chaos of her house.

Not even a call from her to the child yesterday. Not a did you get her OK? The irony of course is that I am a bad Mother.
 She really could not give a stuff.

[Etsy]

 Hi Bluesky, have you heard of NEA BPD ? I completed an online teleconference course, back at the beginning of the year - 12 weeks 1 ½ / 2 hours a week about 12 or 13 of us including 2 facilitators. It's based in America  but there were about 5 of us from the uk (since doing the course they have become  established in the uk, 25 people trained up in may, so that means no time difference to coordinate,  like I had to.) it was fantastic  very educational, with a wealth of electronic information to back up your learning. I highly recommended it. It. I found it did alter the dynamics in the house and there was less arguments (although I could do with a refresher - as things have been very tough lately. With rudeness, disrespect, and some violence) Here is the link https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/ the course was developed by highly skilled and qualified professionals ..  I think it is affiliated with McLean hospital and based at Harvard university. The facilitators on my course were superb, and had loved ones with BPD, so really do understand. Takecare

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Resiliant]

Hey Bluesky,

I don't want to take away from what Etsy just posted to you, because I think it is very valuable, but I have been thinking about you lately and felt the need to reiterate what 2CC said. 
She said

I've read that what a child needs is at least one parent or caregiver who consistently gives them unconditional love and is there for them. I'd say you are that person for your granddaughter. No matter what mess she finds herself in at home, you are her anchor.

Bluesky and 2CC, I feel the same way!  2CC, you might have read the same thing I did years ago and I never forgot it.  It was about a study that was done where they followed several people from all walks of life, from early childhood to adulthood and they found that for people to become successful there was one predominant factor.  It was not whether they were rich or poor, where they grew up, if they were religious or not and what kind of parents they had or didn't have.  The one thing that stood out at the end of the study and the one thing that made a difference was that the person had at least ONE person in their lives that believed in them.  It didn't have to be a parent or even a relative.  Like 2CC said, you are that person for your granddaughter.  Not to put pressure on, you're already that person. 
We love you and cheer for you!
 
R

[Blueskyday]

Awwe, I do hope I can be her anchor.

I bought her a box of fidget toys which arrived today. Squeeze toys and a few stress balls. She was very taken with them. She said her stress turned to happiness, played with them all evening. She took them to bed.

She came up with a tear in her eye and said can I go home Grandma I miss my Mum. The fact she can tell me lets me know I am doing OK. I am not making her feel she has to hide missing her Mother . Poor kid added don't tell her I cried or she will say "You can't even sleep over at Grandma's".

I explained it's late and we can't be sure she is in. She went back down and the dog went too..

Poor baby, I will miss her on Christmas eve and Christmas day. First Christmas we have not been together.

[Resiliant]

So sweet that despite everything she still misses her mum.

I feel like that is a positive thing. 

So innocent

[Blueskyday]

She is such a good kid. She wants her Mum to love her. Not a lot to ask.

Talk about taking the P**.
After midnight a wotsapp arrives. Me and the little one are asleep. After saying I need her home Monday she doesn't want her !

We wake up to take her home and the dtr rings..I am working from home you don't need to don't bring her back. Did you get my message?

I know there's probably some random Tinder bloke still in the bed. She actually thinks I am stupid. She wouldn't have found out at midnight she was working from home at 9am..Poor kid !

I told her she wanted to go home at 10pm . She asked to have her home ans we woke up so she is coming home. The response was What at 9am? Erm yes! I felt like saying you haven't clapped eyes on the kid since Friday morning .

I am fuming. I looked at her from the door of the house and I am disgusted. She is a bloated drunken mess. Bags of dog poop thrown out of the door littered the front .The dog would die before she soiled my house but my dtr is so mean to her she does it either from fear or spite.

I walked away heavy hearted leaving the pooch and the kid to her mercy

[Blueskyday]

Merry Christmas to all.

I will spend the day alone but volunteering at the shelter tonight.
Tomorrow the babe and the pooch come.

Its not so bad. I don't at all miss the push and the stress from my dtr.
I miss the babies but otherwise I am quite happy.

I had to go to the A&E yesterday as I have a bad chest infection. I had to work so couldnt see a Dr any other way
My lungs are so painful. She gave me some antibiotics.
The good news is the virus is probably the main cause of the panic attack. The Dr said even tho I had it for 3 weeks it could hang around for another 2.
It will pass..

Much love to all xx