Should i unblock my ex girlfriend

[sleeper123]

Hi all,

This is my first time posting anything on forums about my ex relationship. its took a while to educate myself on what has been going on so i would like to start of by saying a quick thank you to everyone who posts/supports on here.

My story is a long story but i wont go into all the details and keep it basic to avoid boredom. We have been on and off more than i have eaten hot meals in my life time. its been a difficult journey with all the direct communication loss after a breakup (when she blocks me). Ive always been a person to sit down and resolve any issues face to face and find a solution and move forward, but this was never the case with my ex. What we discussed and agreed one day would be forgotten the next day. Its all come down to us being indecisive of us getting engaged. Long story short its come to an end her side once again but this time its involved her mom telling me to stop contacting her daughter. its been a solid 3 weeks when i havent contacted her, one occasion i happened to bump into her and she was extremely dramatic with "leave me alone" tears etc etc. i was like, just calm down, relax...stop this and you will find it easier to talk your way through your emotions. After this, she messaged my mother, yet bringing in another person into the drama expressing that the relationship was over. I blocked her after this as i was disappointed yet again in the outcome.

She has kept me blocked. But its come to a situations now where i have now unblocked her as i feel a lurking burden that she is blocked. Im curious to ask, with me unblocking her what does this demonstrate, i hope it doesnt appear as if i will be chasing her like i have always done. Maybe keeping her blocked shows her i wont chase her. These back and forth thoughts are driving me crazy to what i should or shouldnt do. This breakup is different, before she used to spam my phone with a 100 abusive messages about how much she hates me, this instance her mom was involved with 0 hate messages. Since its always been on and off it makes me wonder if this is the end or not. When we was together we only really argued about one topic which was engagement, and we loved each others company and didnt really argue that much. She means a great deal to me and i know alot of people would be like get out of there but i love her alot emotionally and physically.

i guess the overall question is that, would keeping her blocked make her episode subside quicker or should i unblock her and when she is ready to message me? any questions to help understand my situation is welcome.


Any advice would be appreciated.

Kind Regards

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[sleeper123]

I last posted the above message on the 17th, 7 days have passed and i have not made contact with my ex. Even though i am blocked from every source i have not gone to her house or work place to get an understanding of what has actually happened.

Our relationship has always been on and off. The cause was always "are you going to get engaged to me or not" i would always respond that we need to address our issues before and work through them. She would respond that i am just making excuses. I went to the point of even purchasing her a ring when we broke up a time before, she responded with "i always have to push you to do something".

From my perspective, i dont see logic in getting engaged to only seperate. This time her mother came with news that her brother was not happy about us dating and i was messing her about. Keep in mind that i am always there for her, not the sort that goes out parting or what not, always try to plan with her.

Anyway, the way im feeling now is horrendous, i crave nothing more than to see her, speak to her and just laugh with her. The total time of no contact has now been 5 weeks, i assumed i would have moved on by now but the fact that we always broke up and got back together leaves that false sense of reality that the relationship will reignite once more.

I dont know how to emotionally process these feeling, i sometimes crave to knock her door and just have a chat. But here's the thing, if she has blocked me then its a clear sign to stay away. Now...the irony is that all the times before when we broke up it was always the same pattern... argue, she blocks, i go down in 3 weeks and its all fine.

When we broke up this time, she was in hysterics, screaming, crying...telling me how hard it will be to leave me etc etc. Then her mother finally got involved and ended the relationship, she even messaged me and said dont contact my daughter.

Worst pain...

[Ozzie101]

I'm so sorry, sleeper!

You're not alone. If you've looked around the boards at other posts, you'll know that many other members here have experienced or are experiencing the same thing.

Break-ups are painful in the best of situations. Throw in BPD and it can be even more painful and bewildering. We've actually got an article on it here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

I know it's painful, but you're doing the right thing by keeping quiet. The message has been clear. Your ex wants/needs space. You're giving her that by not reaching out, not going to visit. Respect the signs.

The truth is, you may never get an explanation. Or at least not a satisfactory one. And that's something you'll need to process for yourself. Not easy, I know. Some members have found therapy really helps with that.

In the meantime, I would suggest you focus on yourself. Practice self-care. Spend time with friends and family. Indulge in hobbies. Go for walks. Eat your favorite foods. You may not feel like it, but force yourself. Over time, it will start to get easier.

And keep posting here. We understand what you're going through.

 

[sleeper123]

Thank you for your kind reply.

I am have a morning of turmoil today. The last time me and my partner spoke she is in extreme hysterics. screaming, crying, shaking etc etc. I have successfully established no contact for 4-5 weeks. I still have belongings with her, for obvious reasons i cannot message her as i am blocked from all sources. I would like to ask for them back but i dont want to trigger her episode again as she may have another reaction when receiving such a message. Obviously i would love to see her and have a sophisticated conversation over a coffee, but we all know that this wont happen. Any advice? 

[Ozzie101]

If you're completely blocked, then, yes, that makes getting your belongings tricky. Is there anything there that's time-sensitive? Valuable (monetarily or sentimentally)? Or are they things you could let go -- at least for now?

She may reach out to you when she returns to baseline -- or may at least unblock you. In the meantime, you really can't do anything but wait. That's painful to be in limbo, I know. That's why self-care is so important.

Also, learning more about BPD and communication techniques. We have a LOT of information here on this site that's been eye-opening for me and for others. I was unaware that things I was saying to my H were actually making our situation worse, when I was trying to make it better. When you learn more about the disorder and how your loved one's mind works, it can make you stronger and improve your communications with her should she choose to unblock you. If you'd like, I can help point you to some places to get started?

[sleeper123]

Thank you for your reply, I have written 3 pages worth of text, explaining our relationship and proof of all the allegations made against me. The email doesnt contain any pleading or begging and meerly demonstrates grattitude from my perspective into self growth. We all know BPD will disgard this any closure is something that shouldnt be provided by the partner but i find that all the blame that was put onto my side evaporates when reading the essay i have written. Screenshots have been included which demonstrates one reality to the actual reality. I havent sent this yet, and sending this wont provide closure or comfort and essentially i will be breaking NC. I dont expect a response back

[once removed]

I have written 3 pages worth of text, explaining our relationship and proof of all the allegations made against me.

hi sleeper123,

im sorry youre having a hard time. my ex and i had a lot of rows, so when we finally broke up, i wasnt expecting it either, and the limbo drove me crazy. i had good council from friends and family when it came to reaching out.

i would really encourage you not to send the letter you have written.

in this kind of situation, the anxiety, the what ifs, it can make us feel as if we need to act, to do anything, even just to stop the anxiety.

usually doing so can complicate things. in this sort of situation, it is likely to make the situation worse.

i dont want to get your hopes up, but there is a reasonable possibility that you will hear from her when she is ready. you have a history together. sometimes relationships end badly and suddenly, but after some time to heal and let the ice thaw, thats usually not how either party wants it to end. if there is any possibility at all that she will contact you when shes ready, sending a message like that will likely make things much more challenging.

some of the advice that i got was a reminder that i COULD contact my ex any time i wanted, say anything i wanted, but that now just wasnt a good time. it helped. it made me feel a little more in control and less desperate to say "wait" rather than "never speak to her again".

hold your piece, for now.

[sleeper123]

Thank you for your kind reply.

I spend 2-3 hours a day perfecting the letter only to never send it. My fear is that have i really done everything to salvage the relationship? Should i be chasing her yet again?

It makes me feel sick that she may start to date someone else and i feel that the longer i wait the more chance she will move onto another relationship due to her biological clock.

It makes me anxious thinking that there may still be away to salvage this as i understand that i will find it difficult to meet someone with the connection i had with her.

I guess by sending this email, i hope that she would message before the new years and atleast we could hold a glass up together. I just dont want to lose the one true love of my life, and want to ensure that i have tried everything possible before closing the case.

Please ask any questions you like to gain a better understanding of the situation.

[Timberwolf]

Just let the stuff go, unless it is of great sentimental or monetary worth . .At this point they basically see you as being Satan so any communication  will be interpreted as a threat. Personally I don’t find it’s worth it but that’s only something you can decide for yourself

[once removed]

sleeper123,

believe me when i say that i can really relate to the thoughts and fears youre having. all of them, at the time, were my greatest fears. i thought maybe my ex was testing me, that i needed to chase, that i needed to prove myself. i feared her finding someone else. i feared i had screwed up with the love of my life.

like i said, i had very good council at the time.

it has been nearly ten years since my breakup. i am long over the pain of it, and moved on.

but to this day, i look back, and im thankful that i handled the breakup the way i did. that i didnt chase. that i didnt act on anxiety or impulse. id done those things in past relationships, and if i had again i might to this day be kicking myself a bit.

one of the things that i nearly did was drive an hour to leave her a note where i poured my heart out, while she was in another town starting a new relationship. it would have gone unanswered, i would have looked weak, and then i probably would have wanted to do something else to reverse that feeling, take it back, say "screw you". if you send that message (working on it as a means of venting is another thing) you will regret it.

breakups are generally not a time for desperate measures or grand gestures, or hail marys. anxiety can tell us that they are.

in some situations there are specific things we can do. in virtually every case, giving space, and getting back to the cool, confident, upbeat person our partners fell for in the first place is the best strategy.

this is a more challenging situation given that her mother has gotten in the middle, and given that you are blocked. there is not really a communication you can send that will be well received, that will better your situation, that will make her see the light, other than showing that you respect it, and are level enough to heed it. and believe me, that does send a message. there will come a time where she has similar thoughts and fears, wonders what you are up to and how you are doing. thats human nature. and not telegraphing those things is a strong move, about the best card one can play.

the other card we can play, and its easier said than done, is to do exactly that. to (try to) get back to that cool, confident, upbeat version of ourselves, when all we might do is feel like crying (which is okay too, but self defeating to wear on our sleeve). as hard as it is, the more you are able to do it, the better position you will be in when/if you hear from her, and that will matter.

schedule something for new years. dont wait on or expect her, take it out of the equation. it will help. youll feel more in control. you may have a lousy time, but youll feel accomplished.

if your anxiety is overwhelming, you might see about either checking in with a doctor for a short term prescription, or trying some of the herbal supplements i used at the time. they dialed my ruminations way back, and made me feel more myself, much less like i had to act, or else.

getting out of your head, getting away from the day to day of waiting, and striving for a sense of normalcy and routine, passing the time, those things are going to be your best friend.

[sleeper123]

Thank you for your kind reply.

one of the things that i nearly did was drive an hour to leave her a note where i poured my heart out.

This is something i was/am tempted to do, its close to new years and for the past week i have been writing a letter to attempt to send to her and make her see sense about our relationship as i truly believe that she is the one i will spend the rest of my life with.

You start to have a internal battle go on, do i send it do i not?

1st perspective

> "If i send this letter maybe we can rekindle and spend the rest of our lives together"
> "Send the letter before new years, if you dont she will move on"
> "I miss her so much, send the letter to win her back"
> "You better send the letter now before she meets another guy"
> "If you dont send the letter you wont see her ever again."
> "You have broke up before with her and still rekindled the spark, so you can do it again"
> "She has blocked you before, and when you went to see her she was happy to see you"
> "If you lose her, you will struggle to find a person you love just as much as her"

2nd perspective

> "wait, why should i send it?"
> "she blocked me from everywhere"
> "Her mother has texted me that she doesn't want me to see her daughter again"
> "My Ex texted my own mother and said she doesn't want to see me"
> "If someone blocks you, surely it means they dont want you to contact them"
> "How can you contact someone who has blocked you, they have made it extremely difficult and moreover clear that they dont want to be contacted."

And i guess, this is the curse of dating someone with BPD or well assumed BPD as she has never been diagnosed. On the flip side, having a civil conversation where the opposite party doesnt block you or spam you with hateful message is something that might be defined as "normal".

This life style can become almost hypnotic, the chase, the win the constant problem solving > Feeling great when things are going fine, hitting the low and reaching the top.

The feeling that your ex will be with another guy is a feeling of defeat and i guess trying to prevent these events from happening it what "may" drive a male to become obsessed.

I personally, still have this inner battle, the fear that i will lose her, the fear that i wont see her again, the fear that its all come to an end. The letter is almost a salvation letter, to revive what once was.

But then after all the above has happened you ask yourself. "Do something different".

On four occasion i would chase her, even when i was blocked i would arrive at her home and talk with her, each instance she was never in a good place and was extremely depressed due to the relationship.

Ironically, the relationship issue was always "will we get engaged" and every time we got back together it would be a moment we would agree that it would happen.But i guess there were always unresolved issues.

I am still debating to send the email, especially before new years and it would be amazing to hold a glass together. and ofc, the fear of never seeing her again will always be lurking in the back of the mind.

Before this happened, we discussed what will happen in our relationship. And mutually gave a timeline to when we would end the relationship if we never got engaged. We was supposed to get engaged before the end of the year then her side of the family were cold.

[once removed]

the engagement conflict is a significant, long standing issue.

if you got back together, its one you would need to resolve.

its one you need to be in a centered place, in order to think about whether its resolvable, or intractable conflict.

my ex and i were in a similar place. i wanted to marry her. i believed that i would marry her. "but how can we get married given how dysfunctional our relationship is? how would we raise children together when we fight like this?".

women tend to be a little bit more sensitive to the fact that for many of us, our biological clocks are ticking. when they sense the relationship is a dead end, they begin to grieve it. men (generally) are a bit more inclined to stay, and kick the can down the road. i realize now my heart wasnt in it, and was never going to be.

i dont know if that applies to you or not. but the conflict you have experienced is pretty common. and it does ultimately split relationships.

thats not a hint that you should propose to her or marry her. that would be impulsive. and if you did it right now, it would look desperate and likely be rejected.

its a suggestion that there is significant and protracted conflict between the two of you. if you got back together, it would need to be resolved. its a suggestion that on some level, you havent accepted that; havent radically accepted the relationship as it is. youre waiting for things to get better before you take that leap. the important questions are can they, and if so, how?

because the goal isnt just win her back at any cost. that can end in even more pain than youre in now.

I am still debating to send the email,

bottom line: if youre going to reach out, you really want to do something light and upbeat. a heavy, long letter, that rehashes the relationship conflict, she is not going to know what to make of or do with.

its risky either way given the circumstances, but just keeping it short and light yields you a far better chance of a positive response, or any response.

if you want to do that, id encourage you to do so here and get some feedback.

[sleeper123]

Hi,

Just an update, today i collected my final belongings. I approached the situation calm and collect. When i arrived, i posted a brief letters expressing i wanted my belongings back due to restricted communication.

I get unblocked through whatsapp and we begin to communication what belongs are required. Belongings are returned with a hesitant weary approach. She asked what i also wanted to do with the desk, i said for her to keep it. She replied that she will either give it away or recycle it. So i said thats fine, if you dont need it i will take it.

Once the desk was returned, i asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. She replied and said are you trying to convince me again to get back together. I replied and said i dont have that intention at all, i just would like some closure. How did this happen? My family adore you, and all you talk about is that i have wasted 7 years of your life when we can spend another 50. I just dont get it...

She then replied and said the next woman you date, make sure that you dont mess her about for 7 years as i am now over 33. I said how did i mess you about, i was always there for you etc etc blah blah.

She then replied, without you i have no anxiety and feel as if i know where i am going in life. With you everything was always uncertain. I replied and said i have said that we should purchase this flat 3 times and we still havent. When you mother arrived we was supposed to finally get engaged and again some more drama happen.

She said she doesnt want to see me again and its over and closed the door.

The end

It seems that every time we split up. Its because of something i have done. I can never be the best version of myself. Its always constantly something i am doing wrong and i feel like a dog chasing a ball tied to my head. In essence, everytime we did get back together i would grant her what she required but she says she always had to split up to do something and it shouldnt be like that. I tried numerous of times to talk to her on a level, she would agree then the next day completely disagree.

The email i have is no longer required. It would probably be used to show another guy 5 years laters how much one of her exs used to love her. I guess i still cannot accept that it is over and just cant wipe it out of my mind that the situation is dead in the water.

My friend said to me today, when he had his first argument with his missus he left her. I asked why? he said the way she reacted when we argued, blocking.. etc... was something that he could see escalating down the line.

In my situation, she did the same on our first argument and now look... still happens. 

[sleeper123]

any thoughts

[Reggie55]

Hi Sleeper,

While I've done my share of blocking in the past, nowadays I think that feature is better left unused.  I think it's sending the wrong message to the other party.

Based on your last description, I think your ex is still angry at you.  She doesn't seem ready to have a calm discussion just yet.  While it may seem difficult to do, I think you need to relax and let things unfold in due time.  Any further discussion at this point would be perceived negatively.

I feel your pain and I'm sorry for the situation you're going through.

[once removed]

mess her about for 7 years as i am now over 33.

she has a lot of resentment over your hesitancy to marry her.

as i mentioned, women (generally) feel a lot more keenly about this than men do. people with bpd traits, even more so.

its taken as a sign. they feel strung along. they feel not good enough, or, good enough to be a girlfriend, but not to marry. a person in that position might try a few things...trying harder...threatening to walk away...eventually (anyone), they will grow resentful. and eventually they will see the relationship as a dead end, and begin to grieve it.

there are two things to strongly consider going forward.

the first is why you were hesitant to marry her. on some level, you felt the relationship wasnt healthy enough to proceed or more deeply commit. thats reasonable. but just staying in a relationship hoping and waiting for it to get better can be a dead end, and unhealthy.

one of the hardest lessons i learned from my relationship is that one has to ask themselves if they are capable of taking a radically different approach to a relationship, whether that alone would be enough (if your partner didnt change at all), and if not, being prepared to walk away from a dead end relationship.

if she came back tomorrow, things might be good, briefly. would you be prepared to lead the relationship in a radically different direction, would you be able to lead it to a place that works for you that youd be willing to take that next step? or is it a dead end that would mean more pain for both of you?

the second thing to consider:

closure conversations work best when we focus mostly on listening, really hearing what our ex partner is saying.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

arguing their perspective wont typically get us anywhere. if anything, it will just make them more certain of their position. this wasnt about the flat, or you being there for her. its about a slow boiling resentment over a long period of time.

this conversation, or some version of it, may happen again when the ice has thawed. use it to listen. reflect, dont react.