I am a 45 yr old woman who has a BPD mother and its literally killing me

[T24]

Hi all-
Thank you for listening - this is all so hard. As short and to the point as i can be - my sister and I have grown up with a BPD mother, but she wasn't diagnosed until 3 years ago (she's now 73 and my sister and I and 45 and 50). Our father is a WONDERFUL, positive, joyful human being who has put up with her abuse since we were infants apparently. He left 3 years ago because it's been like beating a dog - it will only cower so much before it snaps back at you. So this has also sent her into a tailspin.

We grew up with her being this very loving a pleasant woman, whom outsiders see as wonderful - and she is, until the dark side takes over. You never know what will trigger her. Growing up her and my father would fight, she would attack him, he'd try to block her swings and she would do things like throw herself down the stairs and act unconscious. Also would take tranquilizers often and threaten taking full bottles. Every holiday or event we would just wait for her to have an episode, which she always does.

She blames everyone else for her lack of happiness. Is pretty much totally selfish and if things aren't the way she wants, she turns it on us. She pulls you into any drama she is having and then manipulates it into being your fault. It is CONSTANT and is taking a massive toll on my sister's and my health, our marriages and even our jobs.

She sees a therapist, but like most BPD, she manipulates him as well, making herself look like the victim and not telling him the truth about the episodes she has on us. We've hand countless blowout with her, trying to explain how her words and actions are cruel, unwarranted and to hopefully let her be seen SLIGHTLY accountable for her actions. To no avail.

The entire family has to walk on eggshells with her and is also creating massive strain within the family - all due to her.

I need some help (i do see a therapist but am seeking a new one), on how to handle her. It is so engrained in me from childhood to have this fear of her, yet its also been such a mind*ck with her being so wonderful and loving the rest of the time. My stomach is always in knots, even when i am aware that she is on the rampage with someone else, because i know it will turn on to me. I try to set boundaries, but she calls them out and uses that as a guilt tactic. I feel helpless and hopeless. I need to be able to put it aside in more of a "oh boy, here she goes again" lighter way, then it constantly being so heavy and stressful - again, its all i know. Thanks for listening!

[WoofMeow]

     I read your post and I could have written virtually the same thing. I have no siblings however and my dad is still with my mom as he is her caretaker. But, he is at his wits end. Tomorrow, she will be released from medical care for the third time after abusing her medications. I called him while he was at the state police post getting rid of the medications she did not need anymore. He is tired and defeated and admits he doesn't have much hope she will change. I am starting to have low level anxiety in advance of our visit at Christmas. She will either keep quiet and stay in denial or try to cause drama. There will always be a couple of digs at me at least while I prepare all the meals. (Which I don't mind but she acts like she's entitled to that instead of saying thanks for doing everything.) My mom was not violent but I knew there was something wrong in my childhood and I did everything possible not to upset her. Now that I know what is wrong with her I am trying to help me and my Dad cope but I am so very angry. I'm tired of feeling this way and it's not fair to us.

     Therapy helped me a lot, even before I had a name for what was wrong. I went into therapy with the goal of not turning out like my mother. It terrifies me. My dad and I rely on each other. I am 250 miles away and that's the only thing that has kept me sane. I've learned to ignore what she says and does and vent later. Responding just fuels the fire and prolongs the whole episode. If you haven't already read Walking on Eggshells I recommend it. It does have some tools for defusing the outbursts. You have to remember you are the adult (you probably were from the age of 15 like I was). If the abuse gets to be too much, walk away, even if temporarily. You are not the problem, she is, but she had your whole lifetime to make you think you are in the wrong.  I'm sure there will be good advice for you here. Hugs.

[T24]

Thank you so much for your response. And I am so sorry for what you are going through as well. I have gone to therapy, but am looking for a new one (my current one is very textbook and we just aren't connecting like I'd hoped), and I am going to start looking for someone who also does EMDR - i hear that therapy really helps to calm the anxiety and stress when an episode occurs as well as the CONSTANT anticipation of the next one coming on. And I very much understand the fear of becoming like them - my sister s always worried about that because the more my mother wears us down, the shorter fuse we have and it FEELS like you are almost acting like her - but know you aren't. MY main focus this coming year is to try and heal some of the damage she has done to my psyche and stop living in constant fight/flight mode which is always accompanied by headaches, fatigue and a massive knot in my stomach. Like you, I luckily live about 150 miles away which is a saving grace. Unfortunately my sister lives only a town away and my mother and her have developed a far most hostile relationship and she goes after my sister far more than myself.

The constant guilt she throws at us for nothing caring, abandoning, ignoring her is so difficult, because essentially, that is what we have to do in doses to protect ourselves. On Sunday night, she lured my sister over to her house because she was in need of pain meds - when my sister got there, she tried to immediately give her the meds, and she just put them aside and said "come sit" - a toal Hansel/gretel situation to draw her in to vent and essentially turn on my sister again. When my sis started to get up to leave, my mother panicked and threatened to take all of the meds (8 oxygen), and luckily my sister had to strength to just say "ok then.." and left. OF course she didnt take them, but then calls my sis the next day acting like nothing happened. And if you dare call her out on her recent action, it will just bounce her back into the "dark place". This time my sister showed she was clearly upset and when my mother finally  said with a bit of annoyance "whats the matter?" My sister told her that its absolutely not ok to keep threatening suicide at your children and how incredible wrong and cruel that is. Of course my mother just got defensive and made excuses. She just doesnt get it not sure she ever will. Sadly it's things WE need to do to manage it - which is exhausting.

I've also found a spiritual healing group that really does wonders for me as well. They are hard to find, but I was lucky enough to have a medium I went to introduce me to the one they run. I suggest trying to find one of those as well. I've tried to find actual groups to go to for this, but unfortunately there are none near me.

Please feel free to vent to me as well. I love being able to have people to talk tabour this to help each other get through each day, each episode, and this world we have to live in. Trading coping techniques and tactics help! Thank you again.

[WoofMeow]

      It's nice to know we are not alone. I am the same age as you and I am beginning perimenopause. I would get white hot angry for no reason and it kept happening. My cycles were off and I knew what was going on. My mom was psychotic during her change. I almost busted the door down of my gyn. She has treated me for 23 years and knew what I needed. (Mirena, almost immediate relief mentally.)  She prescribed anti depressants when I needed them as I am depressive also but that has been controlled through therapy. I think anti-depressants saved my life but therapy was a foundation that allowed me to build my own coping mechanisms. But, it's hard to find someone to mesh with. My gyn suggested my therapist also. She is my age and we clicked well. I have not been to therapy in a long time but after Christmas I may have to go back!
       This is going to be my husband's first Christmas without seeing his family and I'm already forewarning him that there is going to be some over the top behavior. She's coming home today but still needs help in the bathroom. But medicare tosses them out after 20 days. My poor Dad. What your sister went through he has been through so many times. Now he just says "take the whole bottle but wait until I leave". I've assured him that I will not blame him if something happens which is what he worries about most. Detachment is the best way I've coped and it works until the drama starts again. She doesn't push me too far because she knows I will walk out the door. She will try to make little barbs and digs but I just ignore them. She wants me to blow up and I will not give her the satisfaction. Your main job is supporting your sister and coming up with ways to defuse the bomb.
         And what you said about confronting her with her behavior, exact same thing. "You made me feel bad." And then the crying starts. But she can sit there and say, "Well, I never lost a dog to cancer" after my golden died. My husband looked at me like "Oh sh*t" when she said that. But, I said nothing. Just keep in mind she is in hell in her own mind already, don't let her drag you down with her. One last thing, if you are having physical symptoms of stress you need to get something. I'm not a pill popper and I seen what abuse of Zanax does but when things get really bad medication under direction from your doctor is better than the wear and tear on your system. I drink wine (not advocating that but full disclosure) but I had to cut back for health and weight loss. I baked cookies last night while I talked to my dad, having to concentrate on something else helps! I bake for gifts so I have a full schedule to the end of the weekend (with a glass of wine here and there.) Chin up!

[T24]

Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas - I know this is a HARD time of year for people like you and I so I will be thinking of you as well and sending good vibes to you that all goes fairly smoothly - cuz you know how it's a crap shoot! Stay strong and I'm sure we'll catch up after the holidays. Hugs.

[WoofMeow]

I will be thinking of you as well. Good luck. I am going to focus on finding joy and humor in this situation. I'm mad at myself for letting her get to me again but I am maintaining my boundaries and if things get too awful I will just leave. Happy holidays!

[Methuen]

Hi T24

She blames everyone else for her lack of happiness. Is pretty much totally selfish and if things aren't the way she wants, she turns it on us. She pulls you into any drama she is having and then manipulates it into being your fault.

Yep

We've hand countless blowout with her, trying to explain how her words and actions are cruel, unwarranted and to hopefully let her be seen SLIGHTLY accountable for her actions. To no avail.

Yep

The entire family has to walk on eggshells with her and is also creating massive strain within the family - all due to her.

Yep

It is so engrained in me from childhood to have this fear of her, yet its also been such a mind*ck with her being so wonderful and loving the rest of the time. My stomach is always in knots, even when i am aware that she is on the rampage with someone else, because i know it will turn on to me.

Yep

The constant guilt she throws at us for nothing caring, abandoning, ignoring her is so difficult, because essentially, that is what we have to do in doses to protect ourselves.

Yep

When my sis started to get up to leave, my mother panicked and threatened to take all of the meds (8 oxygen), and luckily my sister had to strength to just say "ok then.." and left.

It's a different situation for me, but I see a parallel in this and my situation.  My mom is 83 and frail to an extreme (physically).  She has been assessed at extrememely high risk for falling (assessed by a home care team).  Yesterday, she told me she didn't need her bath bench anymore, and asked me to take it back.  I said "ok", and just kept on stirring the gravy.  Out of my periphery vision I could see her just looking at me in disbelief, but I did NOT get pulled into a conflict.  If she asks me again to take it back, I will.  I will also be telling her home care team what her decision was, so she can't accuse me of taking it away from her.

It sounds like your sister used the same strategy when your mom threatened to take all the pills.  Don't get drawn into the conflict is my new mantra.  I'm not sure if it always applies to suicide threats though...

OF course she didnt take them, but then calls my sis the next day acting like nothing happened.

Yep

And if you dare call her out on her recent action, it will just bounce her back into the "dark place". This time my sister showed she was clearly upset and when my mother finally  said with a bit of annoyance "whats the matter?" My sister told her that its absolutely not ok to keep threatening suicide at your children and how incredible wrong and cruel that is.

Good for your sister.  This is setting a boundary, which is healthy.  I am learning to do this with my mom too.  It is so hard to do.  But it is necessary.

I'm glad you are searching for a new T.  I went through 2 before I found my current one, which is an excellent match for me.  My H also comes along to the sessions, both because he wants to support me, but also because he recognizes he needs to learn how to navigate his BPD MIL.

I've also found a spiritual healing group that really does wonders for me as well.

It's great that you've found another human source of support.  I don't have that where I live, but I've an online meditation app that really helps me.  The more tools and supports we can find, and the more positive people we can surround ourselves with, the better.

You've got this

 

[GaGrl]

One of our members had a social worker tell her that her parent was cognitively "competent to his own had decisions." You might keep that phrase in mind to help from getting into a spin about your mother's decisions.

[T24]

thank you all for the responses! Methuen - i understand what you mean with with "decisions" they make. My mother also recently has spinal fusion therapy last month in which me, my is and her mom's 2 sisters has to take shifts to care for her 24/7. She also has OCD in terms of her house - as in, it is SPOTLESS. So between her also being like " i dont want the shower chair" (cuz it was "clutter") and her stubbornness - we are learning to just say "ok", and thats it. She is a grown adult and we are learning that alllllll of decisions she makes are HER choice, not ours. Helps in terms of boundaries. Xmas went fine, as i knew it would (she only really has episodes with me, sis, dad and her sisters (not as often as me, sis and dad though). But when she around others, she's fine. It's just that if something happens in those public moments - she'll hold onto it and then go off about it later. It's just annoying that she ALWAYS has to have episodes before every holiday and completely ruins the holiday season leading up to that day. Because it always ends up going as plan, so why do we have to go through all of that?

I literally have to call her in 30 minutes too, cuz I haven't talked to her since xmas eve. But she has a get together with friends today, so I usually try to plan my "check in" calls around her social schedule, because she's usually in a good mood those days. Watch me have just jinxed myself...Of the games we all have to play!

[zachira]

It is so confusing when you have a mother with BPD that at times is nice to you and when she is in a bad mood she mistreats you. My mother with BPD is deceased. I am wondering if you feel like maybe she actually does love you when she is being nice. It is so normal to want to be loved by our mother, the only one we will ever have. You are setting some healthy boundaries with her. If you are not doing it already, you might want to avoid being alone with her and try to be in the company of someone she will not act out in front of. My mother with BPD always had episodes at Christmas which I attribute to her fear of intimacy and not being able to keep up the joyous holiday facade. You are smart to time your calls with your mother when you think she will be in a good mood. You are learning and with time you will think of more things that limit how her bad moods affect you. Yes, it is frustrating to have to play these games!
Keep us posted on how you are doing. We get it here.

[Methuen]

Xmas went fine

so glad to hear this!

But when she around others, she's fine

This might have a lot to do with her being concerned about her image.  My mom is obsessed with her image.  In my entire life, she has sought out moments when I am alone, to rage or rampage at me.  I am sure this is about keeping the monster side of her secret.  To the outside world, she presents as a gregarious, spontaneous, zaney, fun-loving person.  I was married almost 31 years before she "lost it" (with/at me) while my FIL was visiting, and our daughter was also in the room.  Neither had ever witnessed anything like it in their life.  I was just relieved to finally have a witness so someone could "believe" me after having their eyes opened.

So I agree with Zachira, that it is a good idea to have someone else around with you, during high risk periods.  Of course we can't always have someone with us, and my mom will pick times when I am least expecting a rampage, so one can't always predict these things.  The challenge for me, has been learning to manage my fear.  My T is helping me with that.

Like you, our family had certain times that were predictably tougher because of mom's blowouts.  Christmas was always one, but so was right before a family holiday, or if she was inviting company for dinner, or if there was any kind of big event.  Also, if life was moving along smoothly for too long, she would create a crisis out of nothing.  I have a childhood memory of my dad (who was a saint), often asking her "why does there always have to be a crisis?"

I have two thoughts about this (supported by T's current and past).  One is that she can't handle stress or pressure of any kind (Christmas, getting ready for family holiday's, putting on a dinner for guests).  The other is that the family she grew up in was so dysfuctional (her father was physically, sexually and emotionally abusive and terrorized the entire family 24/7), that living in that emotional state became her "normal", so anything outside of that became uncomfortable, and she would need a crisis.  Hence her making mountain's out of molehill's all the time and creating "crises".

Over the last 10 years, I have had 3 T's.  I really must give them the credit for helping me to see these things.  They all also told me that despite my mom's abusive behavior, she did love me, and that is why sometimes she could be nice.  But then the disease would take over and she would also become abusive.  When she's had a recent rage, I can never believe that she could love me.  Her behavior is just so hateful and hurtful.  But that's when she is dysregulated.  Once she has self-soothed, she carries on as if nothing ever happened.  It's bizarre, and for me, hellish.  But after time has passed, I recover, and she is as normal as she is capable of, I sometimes remember the T's assuring me that she does love me.  Two of them strongly made the point that she did the best she could as a mother (which we all know isn't very good).  Their point is: "she did the best she could" given the dysfunction she grew up in, and her subsequent BPD.  None of that really changes what we live with as children of BP's, but since every human being has some expectation of a "mother's love", I guess it's something we all have to reckon with in our own way.  I actually can't say if I believe my mother loves me.  She just seems way too obsessed with herself to be able to love anyone else.  All the things she did for me as a child that were nice, also brought her some benefit, so I don't really know.  But I do understand that she probably did the best she could.

But she has a get together with friends today, so I usually try to plan my "check in" calls around her social schedule, because she's usually in a good mood those days.

T24.  It sounds like you are navigating your mother, as we all must learn to do. I hope the peacefulness lasts a while for you.

 

[Daughter of Bpd]

@meuthen
You have so many great responses! How do you  Get past the resentment of them acting like nothing ever happened? Or also them continuing to bring up what they don't understand about facts that you try to bring up that bother you? This is where I get stuck!