I've got to focus on fixing what I can

[Lost Sailor]

Hello everyone --

I'm new here -- new to understanding what I've been unable to grasp for seven years, new to understanding that I'm in over my head, new to looking for help and guidance from strangers, and new to voicing all of these things "out loud" -- to strangers or anyone.

I've read the 2nd edition of Eggshells twice in five days, and it has been an overwhelming whirlwind of seemingly contradictory emotions -- terror, panic, relief, sorrow, hope, despair, affirmation... I was rattled and in tears by page 19 ("Even reading this book may seem like a betrayal of the person you care about. It's not."), but I am also committed to this relationship as I have never been to anything else in my life prior.

My partner and I have been in individual and couples counseling for about two years now, with some (surprise) very mixed results.  I went in to my session yesterday, feeling somewhat empowered and ready to initiate practicing some of the communication techniques of Chapters Six and Seven, through role-playing with my therapist, who was acting as the BP.  But I had clearly overestimated my own resolve and underestimated the cumulative effects that years of naivety and unresolved conflict have had on me -- and I completely broke down and lost it less than a minute into the exercise.

I'm no clinical psychologist, but I am convinced (resigned?) at this point to believe (accept?) that I am in a relationship with a Higher Functioning Invisible BP; enough of the clinical criteria are there, and more than enough of the behavioral symptoms and dialogue contained in the myriad quoted testimonials are spot on -- many being verbatim things I have heard myself or my partner say out loud.

I need to become better at setting and maintaining my own boundaries and limits, as well as communicating those and most other things far more effectively -- and I certainly need a methodology for practicing them. It was suggested to me that, being a musician, it's somewhat akin to practicing my instrument -- solidifying muscle memory and a bag of tricks that can be called upon immediately and instinctively when I'm under pressure, instead of floundering under the weight of perceived emotional danger. I need to learn how to be as relaxed and confident in the face of my partner's fury as I am on a stage in front of a thousand people -- strange as that might sound to some, I know.

I am also grappling with the guilt of keeping this revelation a secret from my partner, but I see no alternative -- there's no possible way to address these things openly that would result in anything safe or productive right now, or in the foreseeable future. I can't worry about that now -- I've got to focus on fixing what *I* can, to replace the ineffective (if not downright counterproductive) things I've been doing with others that will hopefully begin to break this predictably awful pattern that we've fallen into.

Thanks for being here -- for offering a little sense of sanctuary, and for reading this far.  Every journey begins with the first step, and here is mine.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Lost Sailor-

What a beautifully written first step you’ve taken.  Welcome to our community.  I’m very sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you’ve found us.  You’ll find many souls here who truly understand your journey toward improving your relationship with your uBPD (undiagnosed Borderline personality disordered) partner.  I am one of them.

It sounds from your work to date, that you’ve gained some understanding of the work and compassion that this journey will take.  One very positive point is that you’re both already engaged with a T (therapist).  What would you say have been the “positives” so far in couples therapy?

I found this site in about May 2017 when I searched the phrase “unprovoked rage in men”... and wow, just wow...  My uBPDbf and I have now been together for over 6 years.  We have made amazing progress.  Still have conflicts but the other day HE spoke of “unconditional love” for me.  I was nearly floored.

This site has wonderful tools to help you better communicate with your partner, and to better understand what lies behind her behaviors.  To pwBPD (people with bpd), FEELINGS = FACTS, so it seems they will alter the narrative to match how they feel.  This can make your head spin until you catch onto what’s happening.  The “why” remains a mystery, but it’s usually due to some element of their inability to either accept accountability, or be BLAMED for being “bad”.  If they feel they’ve done something bad (criticism, even perceived), they interpret that to mean they’re BAD, AWFUL, UNWORTHY and don’t deserve love.  And you’ll feel like you get the blame for everything they cannot explain.  Try to silently not accept that blame. There’s a LOT they cannot explain.  Understanding THIS concept solved so much for me.  And improved our relationship a thousand percent.

It’s all in how you communicate.  I would begin with learning NOT to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  PwBPD are very sensitive to this type of communication and do NOT want to hear it - it goes nowhere fast and spins out.  Next I would look at Validation.  And when using the validation tools, use care NOT to validate “invalid” things.

My friend, I don’t want to overwhelm you anymore than you already are.  Please take yourself to the TOOLS, WORKSHOPS sections and scroll down to the JADE and VALIDATION sections.  Sorry, I don’t know how to link.

This is a very safe space for you.  Please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Gemsforeyes]

One more thing I wanted to say...  this is a slow, gentle walk.  Try and show the same amount of love and patience you do for your pwBPD for yourself.  Self-care is vital. 

Keep your friends and family close.  They don’t need to know all that is happening in your relationship, but you need and deserve support, too.

Nothing changes until something changes.  We cannot love our partners to wellness, but we CAN effect changes in our own behavior that can bring very positive results from our partners.

And Sailor - what do YOU need?  Please talk about this... let’s talk about this.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Lost Sailor]

Thank you -- your reply was EXACTLY what I needed!

 

The primary consideration was to simply begin the journey, so that and your suggestions have already done a world of good for my spirits. Dunno that I can post again before Saturday, but I will.

<whew>

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Lost Sailor-

Please take care of yourself and come back when you can.  Remember your journey.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[2Loyal2Long]

Gemsforeyes, what wonderful suggestions about progressing in this learning curve.  I’m going to search the tools as well.

Lostsailor, what an eloquent, authentic, and beautifully articulated post.  My hat is off to you for for seeking to make your own changes.  I learned a lot from your post.

Both of you have partners who are fortunate to have you in their corners.  You’re both inspiring.  I’m new here and am still thawing out.

I’m going to continue to follow this thread, much to be learned.