Rough today I feel alone, no one else sees the person he turns into at times

[Vivian01]

Hi, first time to this site. I’ve been married for 12 years and I’d say about 8 months ago I was searching YouTube on how to be supportive to a spouse who has depression. Somehow along this search I came across a seminar talk clip of Randi Kreger talking about her book Stop Walking on Eggshells. As I listened to her describe her relationship with her mom and her experiences, I found myself feeling like she was describing my entire marriage of what I had experienced for years. As I kept listening I started crying...a lot. I felt this huge relief and support that I was not crazy or alone. I knew I could never tell my husband I thought he had borderline personality. So, I kept it to myself and started getting guidance from her book and researched everywhere.  I gave it my everything. Several months later I knew I couldn’t do this alone. I told him it didn’t get well received at first. Several days later he agreed to open up to the possibility. I found a therapist who specializes in BPD. Well after a couple of visits, I opened up about behavior he had and started to talk about it. Because we were going there to share and get to the bottom or be open about what I was experiencing. I had believed that he was a high functioning borderline. Only myself mostly and the household are ones who would see the different personas (what I call them)he had or becomes at times. He became very uncomfortable in the session, was denying things and reactions he had to the particular subject I brought up, trying to make it like what happened was not a big deal and didn’t really say those things. I was blowing out of proportion. He walked out.

I still go to this therapist. It helps me. He would drink a lot. Sometimes 1/2 bottle of whiskey straight. We have children. The highest percent of when the borderline behaviors surfaced was when he drank. Later down the road skipping ahead. It got bad and I just didn’t want to be apart of this destructive behavior, I felt like if I didn’t speak up no one would do it for me. I told him that his drinking altered his behavior and how he was. That if affected me and the girls and it made us very uncomfortable to be around him that way and to see him do that to himself. That if he wanted to continue drinking that was his decision but we couldn’t be a part of that. I presented a choice not an ultimatum like I’ve read many places to not do that. Skipping a little ahead, he said he didn’t want to lose us and have us resent him or end up hating him. He said he also didn’t want to hurt himself. So, he sounded sincere stopped drinking. Well his birthday came up a couple or so weeks later. He came to me and said he’d like to have a drink or two because it was his birthday and that’s it. We went to dinner it was nice, I listened as he talked about how he wanted to be better and what his plans were to achieve that. A few weeks later we go to a fair and he says he was getting something to drink, I thought he meant beer. (Hard liquor is what triggered certain behaviors) He came back with whiskey. I say is that whiskey. He said yes. I said I thought you weren’t doing that anymore. His excuse/reason, we are at the ren faire it’s a special event.  Then a couple of weeks later I notice in our closet an almost empty whiskey bottle! I didn’t bring it up because I wasn’t sure how long it had been in there and I didn’t have the energy it would take to bring it up. He came home that same night from work and fixed 1 whiskey. I said your drinking? He said yes I’m not going to be a teetotaler! I said we had this conversation a few weeks ago and I thought I made it clear that the girls and I don’t want to be apart of that because of how you become when you do. He said I never agreed to that. I am not an alcoholic and I can control how much I drink. I said really, if that’s the case then why didn’t you over the past 12 years when you got really out of control with your behavior. I dropped it after that, because I said what I needed and it was really late and he would just keep making excuses. Well last night I’m cleaning the kitchen and trying to be done because we have a little one I have to keep a routine for. He had texted earlier, but I was doing things for the kids and couldn’t respond. The text really didn’t seem to warrant a response. He comes in the kitchen and says did you get my text? I said yes but I am trying to feed the girls, I had to eat and then get the kitchen done. I haven’t had time to respond. Well that sets that off, and says how I don’t know s**t about him and he’s never had someone by his side. I said I’ve been by your side through everything in our entire relationship. He says, you had no other choice! (I’m a stay at home mom for 11 yrs) I said people always have choices. More hurtful things said by him. I thought how strange his behavior, that persona I only see when alcohol is involved. I haven’t seen him drinking. I went to my room because my younger one needed a bath and so did I. I searched my room for whiskey...after a short search I found an almost empty bottle in his bag.

I confronted him today about his behavior towards me last night and the drinking and how it’s hidden. He said I didn’t mean those things. I said this is the first time though you’ve said almost the exactly the same thing. It turned into an argument and he said I don’t take responsibility and he was only reacting to my several days of treating him badly. I said I don’t talk down to you and say these ugly things to you. Anyways I stayed in the argument way past the time, because no matter what I said it was me treating him badly, almost all the time he says.

He has left before, only 2 times 2 days only each time. He said he isn’t happy, I treat him badly and so on. I said yes I don’t want to be with you anymore. I have 3 kids at home I take care of. He tells me to leave. I said I take care of them. He says when I can pay him the equity in the home he’ll leave.

All of this is a lot. It is really hard to put down in one sitting everything I’ve been through and dealt with for 12 years. Days like today I feel alone because no one else sees the person he turns into at times. Thanks for listening.

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[Ozzie101]

Welcome to the family Vivian!

While I'm so sorry for what brings you here, I am glad you've found us. No need to worry about people understanding or believing you here. We get it.

You've got a lot on your plate: three children and a husband who's drinking, disregarding your feelings, making threats. I know how painful that can be.

What you describe sounds so familiar. The accusations that you don't support him (been there), the denial of a problem with drinking (you'll find other members have experienced the same thing), the displacing of blame (onto you). And pwBPD can be VERY good at putting on a mask, only for it to slip when they're with their loved one. One of the worst dysregulations my H ever had came mere seconds after our friends left our house. It had been building all night, but it didn't come out until we were alone.

I'm glad you're still seeing the therapist. If it helps you, keep it up! But other than that, how is your support system? Even if you don't tell people details of what's going on (and I've learned from hard experience that sometimes it's better if you don't), having friends and family you can go to just for quiet support or a time to relax can be so invaluable. This forum can be a support for you, too, of course.

You're not alone. I promise.

[Wrongturn1]

Welcome, Vivian - your husband sounds similar to my uBPD wife.  She drinks every day, typically 3 to 6 glasses of wine and tries to conceal it oftentimes by hiding empty bottles/containers at the bottom of the trash can.  Good for you confronting him when needed; that takes courage...I'll need to find a way to gently raise the drinking issue with my wife sometime soon as she can become mean to herself, me, and our kids after a night of drinking.  Please keep us posted on how things are going with your situation.