New member, bpd mother screaming on phone episode #9999 with a twist

[3rdaughter]

My 83 yr old mom screamed ADT me yesterday on the phone not uncommon- that she can't handle the computer things any more and she is tired,  then that she is going to jump out the window,  -new one but ive been waiting for years for it-.. then hung up on me. - normal.  Shes a witch waif.

Im done with the relationship for a break or 4 ever i don't know yet.  I have processed and have peace if she dies while i break from her we are good. Ill be sad of course but that's real about loss of a loved one.  

 I dropped my expectations of her being my mom or meeting my needs over 20 years ago when i did my own therapy. I have just seen her as an old woman who i could help out and we had some good laughs and sweet times and some rough spots. But this is the limit for me. It sucks.  I had hoped to kind of fake it till she dies but this boundary is a non negotiable for me. Knowing she won't hold it.. i have to figure out what or if i stay in contact at all. Any other human i would call the cops for wellness check and block ashl contact and be done. So will see.

So I joined this group tonight and thank you.  Thanks for being here and being real.  I Have been reading tons of your posts. I Wrote the letter for myself like you said, cancelled the Christmas visit with her,  holding my boundaries,  staying present in my family of creation, got a pedicure today,  talked w good friend, my 2 sisters--daughters 1 and 2, they totally have my back..
Mom hasn't contacted me to apologize so probably wont for a while.. my skipping Christmas wil ramp up things... I already screen her calls,  ill do the same w email and texts now too. My sister's will help me.  

Any other thoughts recommendations for getting through Christmas? I guess ill put her gifts in the closet.? Seems stupid to send then.   Awkward.

Thanks for listening

[Harri]

Hi!  I am glad you posted.  We definitely get it here and lots of us are facing similar challenges so you are not alone.

I am sorry this is happening in your life and that you have been dealing with it for so long.  It sure isn't easy. 

I dropped my expectations of her being my mom or meeting my needs over 20 years ago when i did my own therapy. I have just seen her as an old woman who i could help out and we had some good laughs and sweet times and some rough spots. But this is the limit for me. It sucks.  I had hoped to kind of fake it till she dies but this boundary is a non negotiable for me. Knowing she won't hold it.. i have to figure out what or if i stay in contact at all. Any other human i would call the cops for wellness check and block ashl contact and be done. So will see.

What is the boundary you refer to above?  Her saying she will throw herself out the window or something else?

From the rest of what you shared, it sounds like you are doing well with self-care and I can't think of anything else to add in that regard.

If you could share more about the boundary you have and how your conversation went, including how you responded it would be helpful to give us a better ides and possible recommend some communication techniques that can help you cope better and may help prevent or even reduce escalations on the part of your mom.

I hope to hear more from you soon.

Again,

[3rdaughter]

Hi thank you so much for your kind words. 
Yes the boundary i am referring to is the one I set for myself that if she started using the threat of suicide of suicide, I would shut off her access to myself and completely or close to that.

Im still fleshing out how/and if any access looks best for me. There are grandkids I may email stories about.  I don't ever have to visit,  nor do I have any financial or health decisions to do for her that's good.

Again thank you l

[Harri]

Hi.

So this was the first time she mentioned suicide?  Do I have that right?

[3rdaughter]

So now today the emotions have broken through. Im sad,  crying,  hate the borderline tendencies in me,  and yet still feel peace and set free with decision to cancel Christmas w her.  It was just 2 hour visit.  I still have my celebrations w my family of creation.  I think it will be years of this grief and peace, anger and re reading ashl the good books.. trying to fall asleep is the worst.  But talking to people who don't have bpd loved one about setting this relationship w mom is the absolute worst.  Today i am doing more self care,  deep breathing,  staying in present of good things.  Tks for listening.

[3rdaughter]

Yes first time to as a threat then hang up on me.  She may have said it to siblings before.