BPDgf and my Family Christmas Party

[strugglingBF]

Well, in true BPD form my BPDgf is creating all kinds of chaos leading into one of my family get togethers.  My family Xmas party is today, and she started the chaos last night.  It started when she saw the Xmas card my parents mailed me and compared it to the Xmas card she got from them.  My card was a specifically picked out card that addressed me as "son" inside, has some heartfelt words inside.  Her card was a cookie cutter bulk card.  I basically had to listen to a 10 minute lecture about how my parents are selfish for sending me a different card.  Selfish?...not even sure how that would apply to the situation.  She gathers steam as she goes, and I did make the mistake of explaining that my parents have become much more sappy since they lost one of their sons (my oldest brother at the age of 25) back in 1998.  I should know better than to explain.  That comment slowed her down for a second (she got quiet for probably 60 seconds), then she was back at it with vigor.  I finally empathized with her because she is probably feeling less important.  Honestly, my parents treat their relationship with her with a little bit of caution due to what they know about some of our past BPD-related situations.  They still push through and treat her like they do any of the other daughter-in-laws (I have two other brothers). 

This morning, I made our daily good morning phone call and she immediately started in.  Putting all of my family members down...their clothes, their personalities, their kids, even their dog.  It was on onslaught of negativity and put-downs.  This is where I am really tested because inside I am fuming.  I didn't reciprocate (as I have immaturely done in the past).  I did however ask some questions like, "why do you feel the need to put the clothing of all of my family members down?  Why are we focusing on what people wear?"  Well, that didn't go well either. 

It is almost like she creates more chaos the more I do not respond.  I sometimes wonder if she is just determined to cause a blow up so I tell her to stay home and not attend the party.  Thing is, she hates being left out of ANYTHING.  She would create a situation that she is not prepared to handle.  If she stayed home, she would text me ALL DAY...asking if people are talking about her, telling me I am a crappy person for leaving her at home, telling me she wants to break up, etc.

Love weathering these crazy storms before every family event of mine.  I guess at least I am getting better at it and trying not to participate or "take the bait" as my therapist used to say.

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[strugglingBF]

One thing I want to add to this.  With the Xmas card situation it was a little easier to try to see things from her side and figure out what could be at the heart of her outburst.  This mindset has recently helped me calm my GF down in many situations.  However, when she is being mean, just for the sake of being mean, putting my entire family down in almost every way possible...I struggle to get to the heart of these outbursts.  To me, she is just being a judgmental a-hole and is genuinely just an ugly person inside.  Hard to explain, but the stuff that comes out of her mouth would not be tolerated by the majority of the population.  I struggle to slow these outbursts down because they are hard to empathize with.  How do you empathize with simply nasty or ugly words and behaviors with nothing seemingly at the heart of them other than to put people down that are close to me?

[Butane]

Hi strugglingBF,

My H has also put my family down (usually there is a grain of truth, but the comments can be over dramatic, seemingly pointless and just mean).

Sometimes it's delivered as a long lecture on all the ways they fall short and caused me to be like them. Sometimes it's in the form of a short, angry outburst that comes across as jealousy.

Try to remember that to a person with BPD traits, feelings = facts. So, can you think what feelings might lie under her complaints and irrational statements and monologues?

I'm having success using SET (SETUP) which stands for communication that starts with Support, moves to Empathy, and leads to Truth. The UP part is for Understanding and Perseverance.

I've experienced way less "drama" since starting. Still learning of course. I listen to my audio book every day to practice and absorb the techniques.

[GaGrl]

Constant and hurtful complaints about your family could be an opportunity for boundary-setting.

What is your value regarding your family? Can you state that cleatly? Example -- "I love my family. I treat them with respect and expect my friends and loved ones to do so also."

When your value statement is clear, you can then define your boundary and the consequence of someone violating that boundary. If your boundariy is that you won't listen to unfounded complaints about your family members, then the consequence might be that you exit the conversation.

Just don't participate. Don't listen. Don't explain.