2nd hand knowledge of a visit from out of town uBPD sibling, how to handle?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My last post was a couple weeks ago,  so I will recap a little to set context. My uBPD sibling and I moved to opposite ends of the country as young adults, and when my parents needed increasing help several years ago, they moved to be close to me, and made me Medical POA, ( I am a physician). We are joint trustees for finances and the family trust.  My parents lived a few doors down for several years and then moved into an assisted living as their health declined a few years ago. Because of proximity, a lot falls on me, which is understandable, but she tends to dramatize everything, challenge decisions, and has been verbally abusive. As a people pleaser, I contributed by always trying to make her  and my parents happy ( they wanted peace); I recognize how much I enabled the drama, set poor boundaries and allowed myself to be victimized.  Though well intentioned, I recognize my parents are also enablers and contributed significantly. My father passed away 3 years ago, and it was a very painful time. All of the conflict is my fault from her perspective; not until recently did I recognize her uBPD and start approaching things differently. My mother had a serious medical setback over the summer, which triggered a lot of amplified BPD behaviors, conflict between us, arguments which were verbally abusive resulting in damage to our relationship.

I am empathetic to her situation: how hard it is to be far away, I understand that she has an underlying anxiety disorder, was fearful of my mother dying and feels out of control. ( she characterizes it as I am controlling and intentionally excluding her). Fortunately my mother is doing a lot better and we are out of the woods, but my sister continues to project many of her feelings on me.  I have been trying to validate her more often, be more brief and create time and space between contact. After several rough months I thought we were getting to a better place. With advice from this site and working with my therapist, we transitioned to LC,  I am setting better boundaries and have stepped back and stopped investing so much energy into the relationship. We experienced an extinction burst initially and then things settled down. It has made a positive difference( for me).

She was (and may still be) upset when I didn’t invite her to stay at my house on her last visit ( which she told me about less than a week before hand,) then limited the time I spent with her ( I actually canceled several  plans but it wasn’t enough). Most recently, she was very upset when I shared that I was having elective surgery, but didn’t share the details with her and asked her to respect my privacy.  She also said I hurt her feelings when I did not invite her and her family to visit for the holidays. (over the last 20 yrs,  we have hosted her twice for Christmas, and she has never invited or hosted us). After my surgery 2 weeks ago,  I texted  her immediately after surgery to let her know I did well and thanked her for her prayers. Afew days later, she told several people that I wasn’t returning her texts and emails. When I just reviewed my texts and emails, I realize there was a lapse but during that time I was recuperating, mostly sleeping and taking pain pills and totally off the grid, no one heard from me.   I sent her a conciliatory note to acknowledge her concerns and shared some updates on my mom and our family. Her responses to my last 3 emails over the last 2 weeks have been singular short sentences. For me it is easier to deal with “I am glad you are recovering”, then the 15 point accusations, demands and expectations messages from a couple months ago, but forgive me if I interpret it as insincere. I further interpret it as her  “punishing me” for the several days I was off the grid. Am I being over sensitive or over reacting?

Today, while visiting my mom, the  assisted living director mentioned my sisters upcoming visit, which I was not previously aware of. On one hand, it is good for her to spend time with my mother, but on the other hand, given how poorly the last visit went (no advanced notice, stayed at a hotel, and was angry when I didn’t drop everything for her),it is not something  I personally look forward to. I am trying to figure out how to mentally prepare, whether to ask her about the visit, and how to mange what I had hoped would be a positive time with my young adult children at home for the holidays and plans with friends, with her visit. I would like things to better with us, don’t want to repeat what happened last time, but I also don’t want to allow her to upset me or to waste a lot of mental energy on unnecessary drama.  The director said she would be visiting my mom on the 30th.  I don’t know when she is flying in, where she is staying, if her husband and/ or son are coming (since it is during the holidays) and if it is a day or a week.

Questions:
Do I pretend I don’t know?
If I inquire, how do I do so?
How do I handle it if she wants to visit and/or see my family?
Do I continue LC or consider NC? ( NC is hard at least now  as we have shared accountability for my mother; I fantasize about that possibility in the future)

[Mommydoc]

My last post was a couple weeks ago,  so I will recap a little to set context. My uBPD sibling and I moved to opposite ends of the country as young adults, and when my parents needed increasing help several years ago, they moved to be close to me, and made me Medical POA, ( I am a physician). We are joint trustees for finances and the family trust.  My parents lived a few doors down for several years and then moved into an assisted living as their health declined a few years ago. Because of proximity, a lot falls on me, which is understandable, but she tends to dramatize everything, challenge decisions, and has been verbally abusive. As a people pleaser, I contributed by always trying to make her  and my parents happy ( they wanted peace); I recognize how much I enabled the drama, set poor boundaries and allowed myself to be victimized.  Though well intentioned, I recognize my parents are also enablers and contributed significantly. My father passed away 3 years ago, and it was a very painful time. All of the conflict is my fault from her perspective; not until recently did I recognize her uBPD and start approaching things differently. My mother had a serious medical setback over the summer, which triggered a lot of amplified BPD behaviors, conflict between us, arguments which were verbally abusive resulting in damage to our relationship.

I am empathetic to her situation: how hard it is to be far away, I understand that she has an underlying anxiety disorder, was fearful of my mother dying and feels out of control. ( she characterizes it as I am controlling and intentionally excluding her). Fortunately my mother is doing a lot better and we are out of the woods, but my sister continues to project many of her feelings on me.  I have been trying to validate her more often, be more brief and create time and space between contact. After several rough months I thought we were getting to a better place. With advice from this site and working with my therapist, we transitioned to LC,  I am setting better boundaries and have stepped back and stopped investing so much energy into the relationship. We experienced an extinction burst initially and then things settled down. It has made a positive difference( for me).

She was (and may still be) upset when I didn’t invite her to stay at my house on her last visit ( which she told me about less than a week before hand,) then limited the time I spent with her ( I actually canceled several  plans but it wasn’t enough). Most recently, she was very upset when I shared that I was having elective surgery, but didn’t share the details with her and asked her to respect my privacy.  She also said I hurt her feelings when I did not invite her and her family to visit for the holidays. (over the last 20 yrs,  we have hosted her twice for Christmas, and she has never invited or hosted us). After my surgery 2 weeks ago,  I texted  her immediately after surgery to let her know I did well and thanked her for her prayers. Afew days later, she told several people that I wasn’t returning her texts and emails. When I just reviewed my texts and emails, I realize there was a lapse but during that time I was recuperating, mostly sleeping and taking pain pills and totally off the grid, no one heard from me.   I sent her a conciliatory note to acknowledge her concerns and shared some updates on my mom and our family. Her responses to my last 3 emails over the last 2 weeks have been singular short sentences. For me it is easier to deal with “I am glad you are recovering”, then the 15 point accusations, demands and expectations messages from a couple months ago, but forgive me if I interpret it as insincere. I further interpret it as her  “punishing me” for the several days I was off the grid. Am I being over sensitive or over reacting?

Today, while visiting my mom, the  assisted living director mentioned my sisters upcoming visit, which I was not previously aware of. On one hand, it is good for her to spend time with my mother, but on the other hand, given how poorly the last visit went (no advanced notice, stayed at a hotel, and was angry when I didn’t drop everything for her),it is not something  I personally look forward to. I am trying to figure out how to mentally prepare, whether to ask her about the visit, and how to mange what I had hoped would be a positive time with my young adult children at home for the holidays and plans with friends, with her visit. I would like things to better with us, don’t want to repeat what happened last time, but I also don’t want to allow her to upset me or to waste a lot of mental energy on unnecessary drama.  The director said she would be visiting my mom on the 30th.  I don’t know when she is flying in, where she is staying, if her husband and/ or son are coming (since it is during the holidays) and if it is a day or a week.

Questions:
Do I pretend I don’t know?
If I inquire, how do I do so?
How do I handle it if she wants to visit and/or see my family?
Do I continue LC or consider NC? ( NC is hard at least now  as we have shared accountability for my mother; I fantasize about that possibility in the future)

[Panda39]

She hasn't said anything to you directly so I would let it be, but be aware she is coming and prepare. 

If she does contact you and want to see you and your family, do you want to see her at all?  If not then just say no, or your busy. If yes what kind of boundaries could you set?  Maybe take her out to dinner instead of inviting her to your house. Would she likely behave better in public? Have her meet you there so you each have your own vehicle to go home in.  A dinner would limit the length of the time spent together.  If she goes off the rails you can, take a bathroom break and give her time to cool down, if she doesn't you could leave.

What ideas do you have?

Panda39

[Harri]

Crossed with Panda!

Hi!  I am glad all went well with your surgery.  

I further interpret it as her  “punishing me” for the several days I was off the grid. Am I being over sensitive or over reacting?

She could very well be doing this out of a sense of hurt.  Leave her be to self soothe and don't take it personally is the best advice I have for this.   It is childish on the surface at the very least.  Not sure what you can do or say without enabling it though.  Are you okay with letting it go?

I am trying to figure out how to mentally prepare, whether to ask her about the visit, and how to mange what I had hoped would be a positive time with my young adult children at home for the holidays and plans with friends, with her visit. I would like things to better with us, don’t want to repeat what happened last time, but I also don’t want to allow her to upset me or to waste a lot of mental energy on unnecessary drama.  The director said she would be visiting my mom on the 30th.  I don’t know when she is flying in, where she is staying, if her husband and/ or son are coming (since it is during the holidays) and if it is a day or a week.

Do you already have plans set with your friends and family when your sister will be here?  Even if you don't and she still does not tell you directly, I would go ahead and make any plans you want as if you did not know she was coming.  You can always invite her to participate in any plans you do have when she is here so she won't be excluded.  How she interprets that is up to her.  Just be you, be natural if/when you do speak and let her know when she can visit you.    Sister or not, estranged or not, strained relationship or not, if someone does not give sufficient notice of a visit there are limits on what we can do right?

That is my take on things.  What do you think?

If you do not feel comfortable acting like you do not know you could always say "Oh, the director told me you will visit mom on the 30th.  That is great she will love seeing you".  You can leave it there if you want and see what she does.  If she says yes and she wants to visit you, I would do what I said above and invite her to any existing events you may have planned (assuming you want to).

Thoughts?

[GaGrl]

How does your mother do one-on-one with your sister? Are you concerned about that interaction?

[Mommydoc]

This board is amazing. In the past this would have thrown me into a tailspin, contingency planning each scenario and distracting me from things that are more meaningful. Thank you for the support.

Looking at your responses and talking through it with my husband, has lightened this for me. Instead of trying to manage the situation and the fall out that is inevitable, I am trying to accept it and manage my response to her and the situation as it unfolds. I am confident I can manage myself.

Panda39, your approach is exactly where I landed. Do nothing but mentally prepare. On the last visit, I made sure we were in public spaces. She is extremely socially aware, so it is a great deterrent. Having my kids around also prevents her behavior. At that time, she was pretty amplified however, and she started fairly quickly in on me. I can handle the mean words but I get triggered when the shrill raised voice kicks in and even in a public space it happened. When I told her I would leave, she took her own time out, and when she came back she insisted on going outside. That was a mistake, she re-engaged, I was freezing and it went on for hours. This time, staying in a public space or with my family around will be key.

Harri, you are  dead on. She is hurt, and she knows from the past that I am a rescuer. When I sense hurt, I want to soothe, make it better. It is particularly hard for me to allow someone I love to suffer and I love her. Objectively, I know that she has to heal herself, and yet I struggle with responding in a way that is different from how I know I would respond if I knew I had hurt someone else.  I also have to recognize that my intent in all of this has been positive. I didn’t tell her the details about my surgery to protect myself. I have no psychological safety with her, and it isn’t safe to be vulnerable with her. It was never intended to hurt her. The only reason I mentioned anything was because I was going to be off the grid, not able to visit mom or provide updates. I just needed space to recover. I didn’t share details with my mom, due to the risk of a slip. I know she is trying to make me feel guilty, and I have to resist getting drawn in. I have a right to privacy and shouldn’t apologize or feel guilty about it.  I accept that it is not practical at this point to go NC, but I do look forward to having that as an option in the future.

One time a few years ago, she planned a trip ( which she told me about), but the first day here ( while I was at work), she had a party for my mom, invited her friends ( many of whom are my neighbors). It was intentional to exclude me.  She used my housekeeper to coordinate and prepare most of the logistics. For me it was fine... of course people thought it was odd, of course they made me aware, but it was fine.  I get plenty of time with my mom and I want her to have as much time as possible. I never said a word.

As I think about this,  it is similar. She does well with and is very dedicated to my mom. The best thing for my mom is for her to visit, spend time with her, and for me not to be a part of it. The best thing for me, is for her to come and go, and for me not to know. I think she wants a connection with me, so not sure what will happen, as this is uncharted territory for us.  One thing she really loves is seeing my kids, but they may be gone by the time she arrives, as they both have out of town plans for NYE. If she arrives before they leave, I would probably include her in something with my family.  Without details, hard to plan, but for once I am OK with that.

[HardTruth]

Hi Mommydoc.  I can really relate to how you describe your sister, and also your responses to her.  And I'm a doc too! 

Its been helpful getting on this board again, and I found your posts very helpful.  It's great that you have created some boundaries with your sister, such as letting her know that you are getting elective surgery, but keeping the details private.  My sister, also, is never satisfied with what I do for her, how I accommodate her, reach out to her and her family, etc.  She is like a hungry ghost.  Until she learns to feed herself, she will never be full.

I hope your NYE goes better than last year.  Looking forward to hearing about how it all went.

[Mommydoc]

Thank you for the encouragement Hard Truth! I like the analogy of a hungry ghost, who will never be full until she learns to feed herself.  Very helpful!    

As it turns out, she didn’t actually come over New Years, which in retrospect is not that surprising as she makes and changes her plans constantly. So glad I didn’t waste a lot of time worrying about it! We have had only minimal contact for the last few weeks, but what contact we have had has been remarkably pleasant. I was beginning to think that things had settled. 

I found out today that one of my mom’s best friends died, who happened to be  the mother one of my uBPD sibling childhood friends.  We  grew up with her and so I wanted my sibling to know.  I ended the text with “ l love you” and that ( I assume) triggered a series of mean accusatory, berating texts about  how “ my actions  make her feel like I wish she did not exist. The accusations are about things that happened months ago, many of which have nothing to do with me, but are blamed on me.  We have had many conversations about her complaints, and yet her conclusion is “ I ignore her concerns” as she only sees her own pain and perspective. She ended the text string with “ I hoped you would change but I accept that you won’t”.   No concern expressed for how my mom is coping with the loss of a lifelong friend.  I think there were 5 or 6 texts.  I only responded once with  “ I do love you”.   

She is clearly wounded and nothing I can say right now other than reinforcing that I love her and stepping away will work.  I attempt to validate and empathize while setting boundaries.   It is impossible to have a two way conversation.   Texting tends to escalate her, so my plan is to respond by email later this week.  I have a  busy week at work coming up and don’t want to let this distract me.

We are at the lowest amount of contact we have ever been.  Haven’t talked on the phone since Thanksgiving and then it was a group call.  Mostly email.  My mother is doing well and there is nothing that requires us to be in frequent contact now.  ( Not always true). LC is working for me, so I don’t want to change it, but wondering if anyone can speak to the fact that it may be contributing to my sibling feeling a greater sense of abandonment.  Her son is going away to college later this year, and not sure things are going well in the marriage, so it is possible that some of those things are also triggering her.  I am empathetic and sad she is in pain, but very clear that she has to heal herself, and I can’t make it better for her. I do hope she will find peace.   Advice appreciated.

[HardTruth]

Hi MommyDoc.  My sister also says that I ignore her concerns.  No amount of validating or empathizing will satisfy her if what she really wants is that I agree with her version of things.  For your sister, it could be that the "I love you" feels false, because she may feel that, "if you really loved me, you would do x,y,z" or you would agree with me on "x, y, z" - ie you're not doing enough for me, I'm a victim, or whatever.

For us, "I love you" may mean unconditionally - I care about you even if we disagree or I don't like everything about you.  But for your sister, everything might be conditional.  She may not truly understand unconditionality...you know what I mean? 

If she's having trouble in her marriage, and is feeling abandoned that her son has gone to college, then she could be triggered because she isn't getting what she wants, and she has no control over that.  Thus, she may lash out more as she is decompensated.  It could have nothing to do with what you say or do, simply that you're engaging with her at the wrong time or with the wrong topic. 

[Mommydoc]

Thanks for this reality check HardTruth. I was traveling for work today and wrote a response to her today which I know my husband and therapist will say is too kind/ conciliatory. I have not sent it. I am struggling. My core values include authenticity, courage and compassion and one of my core tenants is to assume positive intent and to support those who are suffering.  She is so cleverly suffering and that is hard for me. I feel out of whack with my values, though; I don’t believe I am authentic or courageous in my dealings with my uBPD sibling due to lack of psychological safety.  I assume positive intent, and am empathetic to her circumstances but these may be strengths overused with my sibling and it is not serving either of us well.  Help!

[TelHill]

Thanks for this reality check HardTruth. I was traveling for work today and wrote a response to her today which I know my husband and therapist will say is too kind/ conciliatory. I have not sent it. I am struggling.

Hello Mommydoc,

It’s like you’re darned if you do and darned if you do. I feel the same with dBPDm. I tend to play the heroine of my FOO- rescue, smooth things over, responsible/highly capable, stand up for truth, compassionate. I’m the golden child brain with a scapegoat’s clothing.  I could be wrong but, do you sometimes feel you play the  scapegoat role to your uBPD sister? 

Detaching from her rages and settings boundaries are helpful for her. It may nudge her to self-soothe. It’s helpful for you, too. Being the target hurts. 

Venting with a trusted person or journaling may be a good way to let off steam.

My core values include authenticity, courage and compassion and one of my core tenants is to assume positive intent and to support those who are suffering.  She is so cleverly suffering and that is hard for me. I feel out of whack with my values, though; I don’t believe I am authentic or courageous in my dealings with my uBPD sibling due to lack of psychological safety.  I assume positive intent, and am empathetic to her circumstances but these may be strengths overused with my sibling and it is not serving either of us well.  Help!

Me, too. It’s very hard for me change my behavior - it’s on auto-pilot. The myth of Sisyphus is helpful in dealing with my mom if I have contact.  I expect the bpd to do the unexpected emotionally.

I hope that things have quieted down for you. Take care!