A chip off the old block

[AskingWhy]

I am sitting here in a cold rage.  I have every right to be angry.  My uBPD H has been angry with me all day over chores that were not done on his time table.  I am not tolerating this abuse and speaking my mind.  The book by Lundy Bancroft, "Should I Say or Should I Go?" discussed the role of healing anger in moving forward once one realises one has been the target of abuse.

I have been away from the boards.  Work has been consuming.  

It's two days from Christmas, and many small threads need to be tied up:  phone calls made, gifts sent, checking the pantry for holiday food, etc.  Like a spoiled brat of a child, H refused to kiss me good night.  He literally crossed his arms over his chest and turned his head.  I laughed in his face and told him I hope he enjoyed the opportunity to reject me.  H took his pillow and blanket. stalked off and slept on the couch.

H has been getting more and more silent and seething with rage as the chores are going undone.  H is personally projecting all the rage he has ever felt for anyone onto me, including the rage he has toward his uNPD X W, the one who cheated on him and left to marry her lover, taking all of the children with her.  H is also angry at his uNPD F who managed to treat himself to expensive golf clubs and hunting trips, and never gave anything of value to his W of almost sixty years.  (MIL died a few years ago.)  

I am reading an interesting book by Patricia Evans, "The Verbally Abusive Man - Can He Change?: A Woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go."  The book describes the BPD man word for word.  Reading, I was finding things as if she knew my H!  A man who negates and invalidates his W, calls her "c**t" without a second thought, rages, threatens divorce, etc.  I know just how petty and hurtful my H can be.  It has been several years since my H lost the ability to emotionally hurt me with his mean words and threats.  

I am more ready to face a divorce more than in any other time in our twenty year marriage.  I know I was never the first priority in his life, that he is in covert incest with his adult children, especially his Ds, and I am really getting tired of the mood swings of being married to a BPD. When H starts to reject me and rage, it's like I really don't care any more.  There was a time when H had the ability to reduce me to tears, begging him not to divorce me.  Now I really don't care.  Being second to his children (buying them lavish things while I was given only trinkets for special occasions) really drove home just how little this man cared for me.  He was really married in his heart to his children, hence the term covert incest.  He gets this crazed, enamoured look when one of his children visited, hanging on their every word, even when they smelled like drugs or alcohol, got fired from a job for mouthing off at the boss, or had a DUI (his S is often homeless and addicted to drugs and alcohol.)

The Evans book talks about the origin of the verbally abusive man, and it discusses how a man gets this way from having a cruel, absent or invalidating father. Bingo:  my FIL!   My FIL is uNPD and is as self absorbed as they come.  I have seen many times how this man would make his patient, elderly wife the butt of his jokes.  I never liked the man.  
Twenty years into the marriage, H is finally seeing this, but then splits and defends his F.  Evans says even a loving and supportive M cannot negate the effect on a boy/young man of having an invalidating father.  My FIL was always a lazy man, being barely employed, and putting his wife to work at two jobs so he had his golf time, hunting and fishing.  He "took" her places, that is, on his hunting and fishing trips and "letting" his W clean and cook whatever he caught.  

Another things about my H is the "second best" syndrome.  My H's older sibling was the favourite son and the F and his S went fishing and hunting as bests mates.  H was more cerebral, reading books and more interested in repairing clocks and mechanical items.  For irony, his B is now a barely employed, drug and alcohol addicted loser.

More on "second best" for BPD men:  

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-almost-effect/201406/male-borderline-personality-disorder-being-second-best

The more I get a handle on this illness, the more disgusted and annoyed I am at H's antics and tantrums.  Again, I am falling out of love with this man.  I would not miss their whole dysfunctional family.  

I feel stronger than I have ever been in this marriage. I no longer fear the divorce threats and name calling.  I speak my mind when my H says cruel things to me.  I know deep inside my H is a pouting, mean spirited child. He is too immature to be in an adult R/S, let alone a marriage.  I feel so stupid for staying with him for 20 years.  I have now compartmentalised what I feel for him. In some ways, I feel sorry for him because I know his F is such an a$$, but I will no longer tolerate the emotional abuse.

 

[Cat Familiar]

1. Do you have a “redline” in your relationship—something that if it happened would compel you to seek a divorce?

2. Are you actively preparing to get a divorce?

[AskingWhy]

1. Do you have a “redline” in your relationship—something that if it happened would compel you to seek a divorce?

2. Are you actively preparing to get a divorce?

Cat, I have consulted with an attorney and now know my rights.  All I need is a "green light" to start the proceedings and paperwork.  

It's really hard to say if there is a "redline" (apart from physical violence or H raising a fist to me, which he has not done in 20 years) but sometimes there is a straw that breaks the camel's back, and that straw comes out of nowhere.  One of Evans' books talks about a woman seeking a divorce from a verbally abusive man.  It was nothing catastrophic, and was really a straw, a seemingly small thing.  One day, her abusive H threw away a stack of magazines she had not read without telling her.  That was the last straw.

I think my case is like this.

Today my uBPD H is in full, screaming Hyde-mode.  He is on a company break until January, and he is driving me crazy in the house all day, micromanaging what I do with my time, even monitoring what I am doing and when I go to the bath room!  If I am not doing "usable" work (something to benefit him, an NPD thing), such as cleaning or sorting items to get rid of, H is raging.

Just now, H gave me another divorce threat, and threatened to fly to his Ds for Christmas.  

BPDs often become reactive near the holidays for a number of reasons.  H is probably responding to what happened to his X W, who is uNPD.  She would jerk him around the visitation of the children when she cheated and left to marry her lover.  BPDs feel all their hurts as fresh as yesterday, and now H is using me as a punching bag for what his X W did to him almost 30 years ago.  I wasn't having it.

He told me he was going to give me all of my Christmas gifts and leave, presumably to fly across the country to see one of his Ds and her family.  I told him to go right ahead. I told him his D and her in laws (and extended family) would love to see him because H pays for everything when he is there:  all of the meals and groceries (several hundreds of dollars), all the gas, and even all of the pet food.  H is so insecure that he has to suck up to everyone by paying for expenses and meals, which the D, SIL and his parents and siblings are more than happy to accept.

H is a coward. He is terrified of others' disapproval, especially his adult children.  Just one word of criticism from them and he starts shivering with fear of abandonment.  He will pay an untold amount of money to them (or their families) to keep in their good graces.  It really is humiliating to hear him talk on the phone with them, and then conclude that he is sending money, always in the amounts of hundreds of dollars.

Not so with me. I am his mule and emotional punching bag.  I am getting tired of it.

At this latest divorce threat (I had not received on in several months), he inferred he was leaving me when he retires in two two years.  I laughed at him, again telling him to do what he wanted.   Then I turned away and closed the conversation.  I am now ignoring him.  I gave him the drama he craved for a short while, then shut it off.  BPDs are like NPDs in that ignoring them is the worst thing you can do; it cuts off their narcissistic "supply."  They feed off the drama they generate and starve when they don't get it.

So, I don't know of any "redline,"  I only know that at some point there may be that proverbial straw for the camel.  

[Notwendy]

Often these situations require self examination. You are angry and you have a right to be angry. But unless you are planning to exit this relationship soon, I think it is important to examine if your own responses are helping the situation or making it more hostile.

I have also read Patricia Evans' books on verbal abuse and think they are excellent. She has good advice about how to respond, or not respond, to verbal abuse.

I haven't seen this sort of thing though: I laughed in his face and told him I hope he enjoyed the opportunity to reject me.

This would actually be considered verbal abuse, and she doesn't advise one to be verbally abusive in return.

So, he refused to kiss you goodnight. That may be irritating but it isn't in the moment, physically or emotionally harmful. In fact, if the love in your marriage is lacking on your part, why would the two of you kiss each other? Maybe he wasn't acting like a bratty child. That's your interpretation of his actions. Maybe he doesn't want to kiss you and he was being honest. I don't think you like him and he probably knows that.

You could have instead, just ignored it. Your response may have felt good to you in the moment, but it was full of hostility and instead of de- escalating the situation, was likely to result in another  reaction from him- so he took his pillow and slept somewhere else. This is actually an appropriate response- if he was upset at being laughed at, he needed to be alone to calm down. He didn't rage at you- he went off to calm down. He didn't want to escalate the situation.

I don't doubt what you say about his behavior. He can be an enmeshed, stingy, creep, who is verbally abusive, but your own responses can either add to the hostility or calm it down. Like I said, maybe it wouldn't matter if you were moving out tomorrow, but you aren't. Since the two of you are under one roof, examining your own responses might diminish the drama. I am not suggesting you repair your marriage if you don't want that, but you can choose to act in ways that don't escalate the hostile behavior.

[formflier]

I am sitting here in a cold rage.  I have every right to be angry.  

How have you figured out that rage is helpful for your health or the health of your marriage?  Who advised you about this matter?

Best,

FF

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear AW-

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time.  We do have to examine our own behavior and how we may be contributing to some downward spirals in our relationships with our BPD partners.  I know I’m constantly looking at what I’m doing/saying.

This is MY home my uBPD BF comes to; yet despite that, it’s unsettling to him if things are “out of order”.  I sometimes drive myself nuts putting things away before he arrives.  I shouldn’t, but I do.  The environment, clean and neat, seems to settle his mind... so I do it.  It’s worth it to me, and if I need his help, I ask.

Something I’ve observed that you repeatedly bring up is your H’s exW.  The uNPDexW who cheated on him while he was overseas in the military and took his young children and left him for her lover.  That was 25-30 years ago. 

My understanding is that pwBPD suffer from a LACK of object permanence.  This pretty much means “out of sight, out of mind”.  So unless you’re constantly reminding your H of what his exW did to him, he is NOT thinking of that.  Are you doing that? 

Once we know our BPD partners’ deep “hurts”, we can help them heal or we can use those hurts to inflict greater pain.  That is a choice WE make during an argument.  It’s our choice to keep an argument about the small thing we’re really arguing about.  It is our choice to NOT be cruel, even if he cannot help himself.  My bf is learning to argue less cruelly, less “personally”.  There IS hope if you WANT it. 

You have to want it.

My uBPDbf has three kids (all adults now) from a long ago marriage who he has NO relationship with.  It is his most painful topic and I don’t know the truth around any of it.  I won’t push it anymore.  He’s said all he can.

In current times, when my BPD bf erupts it mostly has to do with his horrid mother (awful enmeshment).  I listen, reflect, validate.  That relationship is in his face.  It’s current and painful and she twists him inside out.  I don’t “blame” him or bring up other crappy things when he’s in a heightened state.  And believe me, sister, that often takes enormous control on my part.  I want to SCREAM sometimes.  I scream when I’m alone.

AW- you know there are tools available on this site to improve your relationship with your H.  There are tools to reduce conflict and improve communication.

If your H is still going for an evening kiss, why do you want to reject him?  Are you finished with your H?  Are you finished with your marriage?

Your resentment is hurting your H, and it’s also really hurting you.  Waiting for the moment when you hit your “red line”...why?  How does that serve you, my friend?

Please talk about you.  Not your H, not his exW, not his F, not his kids.  You.  How can YOU feel better about yourself.  Not resentful, not smug, not righteous anger... but calm, giving, even happy with choices you make on a daily basis.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[AskingWhy]

How have you figured out that rage is helpful for your health or the health of your marriage?  Who advised you about this matter?

Best,

FF

There is such a thing as righteous anger.  The book, "Energy Vampires, " by Christine Northrup, M.D. discusses how pw NPD or BPD, through their disregard for their partners, causes partners to be angry.  She states there is nothing wrong in being angry over being abused.  The book discusses BPD and NPD in brief, but mostly advises the reader to be proactive.  Owning and embracing the anger is healthy and healing.  Bottling anger when someone has abused you is counterproductive.

NW and Gems, I know that sometimes my H's behaviour is the last straw.  The way her treats his adult children, especially his daughters (in their 30s), is stomach turning.  They scream, insult him, blackmail him using the grandchildren, and demand money.  She smiles and takes it all like a coward.

I don't do one chore and H explodes. 

That day, it was my turn to set the record.  I don't regret it.  When someone turns you into a doormat, eventually the doormat will rise up.

[Notwendy]

There is such a thing as righteous anger. You have every right to be angry at your H. You have every right to tell him off, poke at his own hurts, hurt his feelings. You can do all these things with the reason that he’s done awful things to you too. He may even be a disordered enmeshed jerk who might deserve it .

We aren’t questioning that. I’m asking - how is this working for you in the long run since the two of you are living together. Is this helping you feel better? Is it bringing you more peace ?

And if you dislike him so much - why are you angry when he won’t kiss you goodnight ? If someone said the things about me that you say about your H- I wouldn’t want to kiss them. If he’s so awful why would you want a goodnight kiss?

If you didn’t live together there would be little reason to snap at each other like you do. But you choose to live with him. The focus is on you , not him, because you are the only one you can truly make changes on.

I’m not sure what your goals are with this situation. Is it to have more peace for you ? Is it to exercise your right to be angry at him and act on it? Does this work for you?

[townhouse]

Hi AW,
Is it possible that you still love him? The old him the nicer him.
Is is possible you emphasise the bad things in the spirit  of how you feel at that moment in time? Faced with a real break up you choose to stay together, and that’s fine, 20 years is a long time. Remember the tools here, talking here, listening to good advice is all to help our relationships.

I do know what you mean by your H taking out all the rage he felt for his ex on you especially at this time of the year. My BPDH does the same thing, which is why the holiday time is always so emotionally charged. Sometimes, I think he thinks I am still his ex giving him a terrible time. However, with my strategy of giving him time alone/staying out of sight as much as possible ie visiting people,  working, shopping, making food...radical acceptance, validation, kindness including not expecting kisses goodnight...he comes back to me after a couple of hell weeks as the dear mixed up old soul that he is.

And they are hell weeks because I go through the usual thing of him wanting to “split up”, he feels he “doesn’t want to be with me”, “wants to live on his own.” I go through anger as well. I go through a period of self talk saying “this is it” “I can’t stand it any longer” but underneath it all I know I would be very sad without him so I hang in there and hope that this time isn’t “it”. It’s very hard I know.
With ours being a second marriage and being together 20 years, we also have step children issues as well. He doesn’t like my son’s and has no contact with his daughters. I put up with his attitude towards my sons and it is a boundary of mine that they are allowed to come to our home when they want, even if he’s dysreg after. Sometimes he stays their whole visit in his workshop room. Mind you I don’t talk about them much, only if he asks. As far as he and his daughters... well I just think that it is nothing to do with me. We are different to your relationship, and I can understand how hard it must be... at least they are his children and he doesn’t have someone else in his life. I think we are actually the lucky ones. When I read here of the addition of a third person into a relationship already straining at the seams dealing with BPD, then my heart truely goes out to those people.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I am feeling your anger and confusion. All best.

[AskingWhy]

Hi AW,
Is it possible that you still love him? The old him the nicer him.
Is is possible you emphasize the bad things in the spirit  of how you feel at that moment in time? Faced with a real break up you choose to stay together, and that’s fine, 20 years is a long time. Remember the tools here, talking here, listening to good advice is all to help our relationships.

NW and TH, thank you for comments.  Yes, I love the "old" H, the one he presented to me when we were dating.  The false mask he showed me.  It took about six months after we married before he started the abusive behaviour of name calling, punching walls etc. and ignoring me in the presence of his children, who were still all under five at the time.  I should have left then in the first year of the marriage.  As my own FOO made be think abuse was normal (one parent a uBPD), I felt confused but did not identify the abuse for what it was.

Right now, my uBPD H is in the "punitive" mode.  He punishes me with little things like not leaving a snack bar out for me when I go to work (only taking one for himself) and other "little" things like that.  His messages are clear.  And the anger in me wells up.  I have to go back to Lundy Bancroft about the anger being a message that one is awakened to the abuse.  When one is numb and still trying to get the partner to be "nice," one still has not come to terms that one is being abused.  Being codependent is a part of still not being quite ready to face the abuse.

His uNPD XW treated him like trash:  insulted openly him, cheated on him several times, eventually divorcing him to marry a lover, taking the children in custody.  I do ONE small thing to displease H and he goes into the divorce threats.  

As for his children, they learned while with their mother, since childhood, that threats to withhold affection from their father resulted in thousands of dollars in gifts.  This went through teenhood and into adulthood.  While living with their M out of state (X W threatened to withhold visitation), the children (on the very expensive cell phone he bought each of them), they would screen and deny his phone calls each weekend.  Each time, he would say in a whiny, weak pleading voice, "Hey, you guys, it's Dad.  I just wanted to talk to you and say how much it love you and miss you.  I hope all is well with school and your friends.  I love you all.  Take care.  Smooches!"  It was stomach turning to hear him beg and whine.  His children must have laughed at each of his phone messages.  They had several expressions for him when he expressed he wanted to see them or talk to them.  They mocked each of these.

I am depressed from all of the anger I have been suppressing.  His children treat him like a cash cow and punching bag, and they get all the gushing attention and money. I get verbally abused and emotionally abused (withholding affection, etc.) and fall further into depression.

I am almost finished with making excuses for the way H treats me and puts me last in his priorities.  I see how crazy-insane he gets when one of his children calls him (his son wants money for bail or a daughter wants to share a grandchild on face time) making goofy, sappy faces and voice inflections, and then after the call ends, turn on me with silent treatment, slamming doors and divorce threats.

Just yesterday, in a fit of rage, he called me "b%tch."  I laughed at him, saying, "I was waiting when you would call me 'c&nt,'"  as he often did.  He said, "No, I called you 'b&tch'!"  as if that was still a way of addressing one's wife.

You can't make reason out of the insanity of BPD.  Try as I may to SET and do other things, it just-won't-work, and I am getting tired of it.  There was a time when I would cry for hours when H would leave the house, name-calling and slamming doors, punch holes in walls and break things.  Now it does not affect me like that.  Maybe I am used to it.  Maybe I just don't care.

All I know is that H is a hollow, empty BPD man, blaming me for all (yes, all) of his life unhappiness from his abusive uNPD X W and horrid uNPD F.  He even tries to use me as a punching bag when his children become abusive or treat him poorly.

https://www.doorwaysva.org/our-work/education-advocacy/the-facts-about-domestic-violence/types-of-domestic-violence/

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear AW-

It appears from this post that your “red line” has been crossed.  I’m sorry and from your prior posts, i can see it was bound to happen.  That’s been pretty clear.  It also seems that you have contacted an attorney to understand your rights.  No one needs to grant you permission for happiness.  No one except you.

Have you contacted the organization for which you provided the link?  It appears they assist with services (financial and otherwise) for women seeking to leave abusive marriages.  

Perhaps A call to these people may be in order.  A new year, a new life?

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[AskingWhy]

Dear AW-

It appears from this post that your “red line” has been crossed.  I’m sorry and from your prior posts, i can see it was bound to happen.  That’s been pretty clear.  It also seems that you have contacted an attorney to understand your rights.  No one needs to grant you permission for happiness.  No one except you.

Gems, thank you.  I said earlier that I think my marriage will end when a final straw has been triggered.  My marriage is dying a slow death.

I still have C-PTSD from the years of rages and punched walls and broken furniture.  H would rage at me and then, suddenly, break a wooden chair on the floor, sending shards of broken wood all over the room.  One time, he tore a light fixture out of the ceiling, glass and wire and all, within inches of my face, screaming at what a horrible person and wife I was.  I would be in my home office and H would throw open the door (while I worked) punch a wall, rage and me and scream how much he hated me, hated being married to me and wanted a divorce.  My nerves are shot.  When I am in a room like the laundry room, or in a bathroom doing my hair, part of me still fears he will fling open the door and rage at me.

I have been reading, "The Battered Woman," by Lenore Walker, and she discusses abusive men in general.  Oddly she talks about the strange sexuality of an abusive man.  I know how gender patterning is important in a child, and my uBPD H had a horrid, selfish man for a father who is likely uNPD. (Patricia Evans discusses how an invalidating father will often cause a boy to grow into an abusive man regardless of how supportive his mother.)  H was very close to his mother, but she was an enabler who was also emotionally abused by her own H.  Walker also discusses the seductive or incestuous R/S these men have with their Ds!  My H's adult Ds talk openly about their sex lives, including one D stating how a rubber kitchen tool looked like a s%x toy!  I was aghast!  This D, now a married mother of young children, once saw me as her romantic rival for her F as a teenager and young adult, wearing skimpy braless halter tops around her F and going on "dates" with him after which she smugly told me her father loved her more than me, the W.  

I know much of the rage my H feels is really directed at his less than stellar F, his cheating first W, and at his codependent M.   I am understanding that I don't need to be anyone's punching bag, or need my H's approval to survive.  If my H is such a hollow, bottomless pit of a BPD, then it's not my place to be his doormat.  I needed his approval for so long, and now I really just don't care when H rages and leaves the house, nor sucks up to his adult Ds and S.

The link I posted does not served my area, but I am sure I can find resources.

[Gemsforeyes]

Aw-

I have a very very genuine question.  Are you afraid of how your H will react if you were to actually leave?

You know his behaviors, current and past.  You know what the books “say”.  However applying the books’ words to real life can be difficult, dangerous at times.  We know that.  Disordered people can be very unpredictable.  Especially when faced with drastic changes.

So I’m asking you.  Are you afraid for your safety?  Is that what truly keeps you there?  Do you need more help than you’re letting on?

Warmly,
Gems

[AskingWhy]

Aw-

I have a very very genuine question.  Are you afraid of how your H will react if you were to actually leave

So I’m asking you.  Are you afraid for your safety?  Is that what truly keeps you there?  Do you need more help than you’re letting on?

Warmly,
Gems

Gems, I am very upset at how my H's BPD dysregulations are escalating with his aging, his children growing up and becoming a grandfather (his identity is largely based on their opinions of him), and his impending retirement.

I ripped into him this evening after he started drinking heavily.  He was out with his military buddies, and he usually has several drinks with them.  In the past, he has driven drunk at least twice after these social get togethers.  Both times I knew he drove drunk I gave him a piece of my mind.  I have no idea how much he was drinking this evening, but he had two cocktails when he came home after drinking beer.  Then I brought in the fact that his incarceration should he get a DUI or hurt or kill someone would affect his children (they were all teens at the time.)  That got to him as they are the most important people in his life.  His ability to pay the child support would have stopped.  He splits his children white and his wife (me) black.

I told him that his excessive drinking affects his health (his triglycerides are very high) and I told him he needed to curb his drinking for the sake of his health.  He also has a beer belly from the alcohol and poor diet he has.  H raged at me and told me just how worthless I was to him as a wife, and the only thing I do for him is look after his health.  He screamed at me and ordered me to shut up, slamming door of the den.  (He has been sleeping in the den for the last two months, claiming the dog and cat, who sleep with us, keep him awake.  We got the dog and cat six years ago, so H is only making issue of it now for some reason.  I think the hollow emptiness of the borderline is getting to him with his fear of aging and impending retirement.)

(He was oblivious to the fact that health is the only thing money can't buy, even from his military retirement pay and current company management job.)

His company is on a three week annual shutdown, and he's in the house with me all day, criticising, micromanaging and being in a foul mood.  I pretty much told him I'd be happy if he left the house and went out to visit one of his Ds out of state.  I can't stand when he projects his own unhappiness about himself into me. 

I really don't know how he will take my leaving.  He made divorce threats last night and complained about how much he'd lose (half the equity in the home, half of his social security, etc.) and I simply said that is the law.  I made no attempt to say I did not want a divorce, or made any inference I valued him.

Ignoring an NPD or a dysregulating BPD is the best thing you can do to shut them down.  I did not give H the attention and drama he wanted to stir up.  I left to do other chores in the house.

It's past midnight where I live, and I am sure to get blasted tomorrow morning when we are awake.  I will keep you all posted, but H monitors what I do during the waking hours.

More and more I don't want to be a part of this unbalanced man's life.  I want a sane husband.  I have been reading books on divorce and entering social life again.  His uNPD X W divorced her second husband (the one she cheated with and married). is in her 60s, and is now on her third marriage to a much younger man who appears to adore her.  I know better men are out there who would be happy and proud to call me his wife.

But this will have to wait until I get out of my current mess.  I know we love each other on some level, but love is not enough to keep two people together. 

[Notwendy]

Breaking furniture is scary. Is he doing that now?

It seems to me that both of you are not happy. Your behavior with him is also hurtful “lit in to him for drinking”. Yes the drinking is a problem but yelling at someone for drinking isn’t usually effective.

Your reason is from a caring perspectIve. You care about his health.

For everyone who posts here - the question is - what is your part in this ? At this point you are angry over things like not giving you a goodnight kiss and not leaving a snack bar out for you. And you are reacting with this anger.

Again - yes you have a right to be angry but is this behavior working for you ?

It seems you want him to change his behavior but is there anything you can change about yours that will help make this less hostile?

Have you considered alanon to learn about how to deal with a spouse who abuses alcohol ?

[GaGrl]

If you are seriously thinking of separation of divorce, you might want to post on the Legal board -- you'll get a lot of practical info and guidance there (for example, your husband's Social Security payment will not be diminished by divorce and any claim you make -- you are able to claim your own SS payment based on 1/2 of his SS amount, or your own SS calculation, whichever is more. Now, depending on how long you were married during his military career, you could get a portion of his military pension. And, there is always the question of alimony for X years.)

Although, I  must say bluntly based on reading your postings since you joined, I don't think you are ready to leave this dysfunctional marriage. There is something keeping you in this anger-infested marital situation (anger on both your and your husband's part). It would serve you well to focus on why you choose to stay.