I'm scared

[Maggie22]

I don't really know where to start.  Background I guess.  I have prayed this day would never come.  My ex-husband and his mom have displayed behavior that has led multiple counselors to suspect they might be suffering from BPD.  Neither of them will seek out counseling.  Through family stories shared by my ex-mother-in-law, her father also showed characteristics of BPD.  I didn't even know what I was dealing with until 7 yrs ago when his dad divorced me. When counselors told me that there was genetics tied to this disorder I prayed our son would not be the next in line.  My son has had a very traumatic childhood and slowly but surely he started to show signs of wear and tear. It seems like it was around 8th grade that he started having difficulty in all aspects of life. Up until the last 3 months, I kept hoping it was just hormones and being a teenager, but now I am seeing signs all the time.  He is now almost 17 yrs old.  I want to help him, but I don't know how.  He is self-medicating with alcohol and nicotine.  I am dying inside...watching him dying inside.  I don't know where to go for help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Thank you for writing in to us and welcome.  Is your son amenable to going to a therapist to get a diagnosis? 

[Maggie22]

Not today.  That's how it is, one day he's begging for help, the next he says he has no issues.  I'm trying to reach out to a counselor to see if they can help me because this is making me question my sanity.

[Swimmy55]

Usually under 18 years old constitutes a minor child, however I am not sure if this is true where you live.  Meanwhile reaching out to a counselor for him is great.  What about for you ?  Sometimes we need our own therapy as well in order to obtain coping mechanisms.   In addition, please read under the "tools" drop down box up at the top of the page. Have a look around the website.  Write back here as often as you need to.  Can you still communicate with him or has he shut down?

[Maggie22]

 It's hit and miss, there are days when he is sad and says he wants help and then there are days when he says he's not interested in any more counseling.  I have found a counselor who specializes in BPD and I will see her the first week of January.  Hopefully, I will learn the tricks of dealing with this disorder more effectively.  Then when J is in a place asking for help I can get him in right away with another counselor in the office.  This site has already helped me emotionally.  Thanks so much!

[Etsy]

Hi Maggie22,
I too am new to the site  been here for around two weeks, there is such a wealth of information on here, and people have been very kind pointing out where to get relevant and useful information. My DD 's father quiet clear has BPD, although I believe he is unaware of it (certainly wasn't aware of it when we were together) My DD received her diagnosis one day after her 15 birthday, after I got over the initial shock and began to process and understand the complexity of the condition, there were constant light bulbs going off in my head,  everything began to make sense. Which Including the failed push pull relationship with DD"s father (we broke up years ago when DD was a baby). The diagnoses made a big difference to us. Prior to that DD thought she was going crazy  especially with the dissociative side of the condition, suicidality, and self harm (... oh and temporary psychotic phase  due to being put on meds that were inappropriate) I guess for us it was a case of when you know what you are deal with you can deal with it, prior to that, it was fear of the unknown.
Early this year I did the family connections programme with the NEA BPD, based in America, but lots of branches worldwide https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/  this was via teleconference over 12 weeks, which was very supportive and very educational (I put myself down on a waiting list, which took 2 or 3 months. The facilitators were excellent and were very relatable having loved ones themselves who have BPD.

I want to help him, but I don't know how.  He is self-medicating with alcohol and nicotine.  I am dying inside...watching him dying inside.  I don't know where to go for help.

I can so relate to your words, the pain is often unbearable, as mothers we want to be able to fix the problem, and the trouble is this complex condition is not a quick fix, but holding on to hope, educating ourselves, and the kind words of other people who understand is a good starting point.
Takecare and best wishes

[Maggie22]

Thanks for the kind words of support Etsy.  I had a daughter who was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer when she was 16 yrs old.  This is similar to how I felt when they told me of her diagnosis.  I'm scared I guess because I've seen what a grown man with BPD can do to those he supposedly loves, and in turn what it has done to him.  I guess I'm feeling like this is a death sentence of sorts.  I'm waiting for the shock to wear off, and then start working to help my kid.  I already have an appt. for me to talk with one of the counselors who specialize in this disorder. Again, thank you for being so kind.  I will get my name on the list for the class.