Hi Maggie22,
I too am new to the site been here for around two weeks, there is such a wealth of information on here, and people have been very kind pointing out where to get relevant and useful information. My DD 's father quiet clear has BPD, although I believe he is unaware of it (certainly wasn't aware of it when we were together) My DD received her diagnosis one day after her 15 birthday, after I got over the initial shock and began to process and understand the complexity of the condition, there were constant light bulbs going off in my head, everything began to make sense. Which Including the failed push pull relationship with DD"s father (we broke up years ago when DD was a baby). The diagnoses made a big difference to us. Prior to that DD thought she was going crazy especially with the dissociative side of the condition, suicidality, and self harm (... oh and temporary psychotic phase due to being put on meds that were inappropriate) I guess for us it was a case of when you know what you are deal with you can deal with it, prior to that, it was fear of the unknown.
Early this year I did the family connections programme with the NEA BPD, based in America, but lots of branches worldwide
https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/ this was via teleconference over 12 weeks, which was very supportive and very educational (I put myself down on a waiting list, which took 2 or 3 months. The facilitators were excellent and were very relatable having loved ones themselves who have BPD.
I want to help him, but I don't know how. He is self-medicating with alcohol and nicotine. I am dying inside...watching him dying inside. I don't know where to go for help.
I can so relate to your words, the pain is often unbearable, as mothers we want to be able to fix the problem, and the trouble is this complex condition is not a quick fix, but holding on to hope, educating ourselves, and the kind words of other people who understand is a good starting point.
Takecare and best wishes